Advice for a woman dating borderline Aspie

Page 1 of 1 [ 12 posts ] 

luna777
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 7 Feb 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 5

08 Feb 2013, 1:34 am

I say borderline aspie because the man I'm dating clearly has some very strong asperger qualities, even though I don't think he'd be officially diagnosable. This isn't the first time I'm attracted to the asperger type, I've dated other men who have strong asperger qualities. I think because I have certain aspects myself and yet I am super high on the empathy scale and have a lot of insight into the minds of others... maybe that would be my obsessive topic! ha. I have always been attracted to "oddballs" because I have always felt like I have an unusual way of seeing the world and I have more fun with asperger type people. We share the mutual dislike of normal social rules and normal communication styles, preferring straight honesty and originality.

Here's the problem though. He does not seem to experience attachment and bonding in normal ways. I know he's in love with me, and he says so, and yet, when I moved out of town, he acts like he's fine and doesn't really miss me. He says he misses me, but I feel like it doesn't matter that much to him. And yet, this man has not dated anyone for 8 years because he has found dating too difficult, and he was thrilled to meet me and he says he's "crazy about me." He says he pretty much gave up on the idea of marriage and a steady relationship until he met me and I've totally inspired him again. When I ask him if he feels "attached" or "bonded" with me, he says, yes, but not in the way I feel toward him. He says that he has faith in his feelings for me so he doesn't need to feel attached. For a non-Aspie (or a non-Buddha or Jesus person) that seems really hard to fathom. He says I'm creating problems out of nothing, and he's starting to distance himself from me for the time until I can stop feeling hurt by the feeling that he's not that attached. Obviously I'm really important to him or he wouldn't be thinking of me as marriage material, and when we are together we have so much fun and we both let down our guards entirely and the love flows. I know he feels bad about our misunderstandings.

I'm hoping some people with aspergers might help me to gain some insight into this.

Luna



ripped
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jan 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 651

08 Feb 2013, 3:29 am

Depends how many times and how badly he's been hurt before.



B3dsage
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 3 Feb 2013
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 128

08 Feb 2013, 3:33 am

Actually this sounds a lot like me and the complaints that I have received from women with whom I've been involved. I too definitely want a marriage, but at least have not yet felt this sort of attachment even with the two or so women I considered possible marriage material. I get to give myself an easy pass on those two because we had irreconcilable religious differences. But, I am sometimes afraid that when I do have that spiritual connection with someone and am ready to marry her, I will still not feel that attachment. Don't get me wrong- it doesn't make me feel lonely or anything. I just don't want my non-attachment to cause someone I love to feel lonely. And if being attached feels good, then I don't want to miss out on that experience.

But I am like this with other people as well. I have had very few close friends in my life, and I do not miss them if I don't speak to them for years at a time. For me, when I see them again it is as though no time has passed at all. Also, I have two cats that I love very much. They live with my parents now and I have gone 6 months without seeing them because I was living on the other side of the globe. I was not bothered by that at all. Actually, I am soon moving long-term again to a place that is a 10 hour flight from my nearest friends and family. Being away from them, only speaking to them once a month or less, seeing them only every few years... although I care for them, this simply does not bother me. I do not notice the time that passes between contact.

So really, I'm sorry that I have not been able to give you much of an answer. I wish that I could, because then I would have more insight into myself as well. At least you know you're not the only woman feeling frustrated with this.


_________________
My Aspie score: 119 of 200
My neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 92 of 200
I seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits


B3dsage
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 3 Feb 2013
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 128

08 Feb 2013, 3:38 am

ripped wrote:
Depends how many times and how badly he's been hurt before.


I disagree that it has anything to do with this. I could be wrong though. In support of your theory, I will admit to having been hurt many times over and rather badly, especially during my adolescent and formative years.


_________________
My Aspie score: 119 of 200
My neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 92 of 200
I seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits


luna777
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 7 Feb 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 5

08 Feb 2013, 1:08 pm

Thank you for your replies. In response to both of you:
He actually was very hurt before, and that's why he hasn't dated in 8 years. 8 years ago he finally got engaged to someone after a long period of dating her (7 years), and she cheated on him and then left him for someone when they were ready to move in together and get married. He also had a situation with a lady friend since then. He never really dated her, but to make a long story short this lady friend got married and still maintained a strong friendship with him. And when she started cheating on her husband, he took this very hard, as if he himself had been cheated on. I hear that people with Aspergers can sometimes be traumatized by dishonesty in others, even when the dishonesty isn't directed toward them. So he said he has felt betrayed by love and so he has a lot of fear still. He explained to me that when I moved away (even though I moved away with the idea that we would visit and possibly be back in a few months) it made him feel like he had to step back and be extra cautious. He explained that his former fiance was cheating on him when they were living at a distance for a time, and so that made him feel extra cautious of this situation. For me it just felt like he took a step back and was less open and romantic with me. It felt like he wanted to "just be friends", and he assured me this was not the case, and that he just wanted to focus more on the friendship and the "soul connection" while I was away because it was safer and could grow the trust between us. I couldn't help having my feelings hurt still.

To B3Dsage, it actually does help to know I'm not the only one in this situation. I think it's a combination of what both of you have shared. Because if he wasn't hurt so badly he may not have the fear that caused him to start communicating with me differently, and we could still be sharing the romantic connection on the phone and in messages. Because I have some insight into the asperger type, I may have been OK with his more vulcan (non-attachment) qualities if he didn't feel so cautious and afraid of my moving away. I am writing here because I am hoping it will help me understand and I can relax and trust the situation more. The fact is, I was hurt very badly myself while being engaged for 7 years too, so this situation has just brought up a lot of heartache in me that I'm trying to get over. He knows I am feeling hurt so now he's obsessing with his work and not knowing how to communicate with me. Maybe that's what needs to happen right now. If I can trust this situation more I can allow us to take a step back and grow our trust the way he would like to do.



Zodai
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Oct 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,023
Location: Walnut Creek/Concord, California

08 Feb 2013, 1:22 pm

While I'm not sure about your previous relationships, this one does sound like an Aspie.

Regardless, if he says he's truly attracted to you/in love/etc, he probably means it. He just has a hard time showing it outside of flat out telling you. (Which is generally why you don't seem to be "Feeling it".) He probably is also getting different signals on your thoughts on him.

As for the distance thing, that seems to be an Aspie thing - too much socializing can be a bit stressful. I know it's difficult ( I live 12 hours away from my GF D: ) but keep at it.

Maybe Skype with him in the meantime?


_________________
If you believe in anything, believe in yourself. Only then will your life remain your own.

Author/Writer


LoriB
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 15 Oct 2012
Age: 53
Gender: Female
Posts: 317

08 Feb 2013, 1:27 pm

My personality is similar to yours. I am not at all Aspie... I am quirky and odd at times but very social and outgoing and I read people VERY well and accuratly. I never realized it was Aspie traits I was attracted to until recently but the two relationships that I was most happy are the one with my bf and the guy I dated before him. Before I realized he was AS I felt much like you did. Something hard to explain to someone who has not had this type of relationship but I KNEW he loved me but I didn't FEEL he loved me. I use to have such a hard time because I felt I couldn't read him. I thought he didn't "show" anything. He would smile and make eye contact and say I love you from time to time and often 8 or 9 times in a row with say a 5 or 10 minute pause in between. I just thought he was beeing sweet but now I know that was his way of showing me. If you know in your gut he loves you quit overthinking him. Just trust it and realize that you love Aspie men and you can't expect them to behave the way an NT guy would in any situation especially a relationship. It doesn't mean the feelins are not there... it doesn't even mean they are not the same feelings it is just he expresses them differently than you are use to. I can also share from experience that the more you question him the more likely he will be to just agree with you and let you go. I have been there too. One day he told me "don't tell me how I feel because you don't know and if you think you do there is nothing I can do to change your mind and I wont try" again this was before I knew about the AS. They constantly have people questioning what they "feel" because most people expect them to fit into a particular mold. Start paying more attention to HIS behaviors. How does he react to a fun situation, a silly one, an upsetting one. In time you will learn to read HIS body language and expressions. This site is great for learning what an Aspie feels and how they express it. The people here have changed my relationship for the better. 6 months ago I would have said my bf has very little show of emotion, facial expression, telling body language... now I know HIM and I just don't know how I didn't see it all before. I went from going crazy because he was the only man I couldn't "read" to being able to read him very well... in the last few weeks we have started finishing each others sentences and when deciding to do things have been exactly on the same page. I can not tell you how many times either of us has said "I was going to say that exact same thing" It is so hard to put aside NT "emotional thinking" but once you learn how to and evolve into the more logical AS thinking you will learn so much about yourself and your bf



luna777
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 7 Feb 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 5

08 Feb 2013, 8:44 pm

Thanks, your replies are helpful. It seems like we're kind of taking a "time out" at this point because it got overwhelming with the emotions that came up just when he's starting a super intense creative project he has to finish this week. He said he wanted to Skype "soon" when we found a good window of time and that was a week ago. All he's done since then is send me a cute photo of something. I guess that's his way of saying he's thinking about me. I know it must have been hard for him to see me react in a hurt way and withdraw myself. I think he's waiting for me to be light and playful again like I had been with him. I think that would happen if we were physically in the same space for about 5 minutes and I could feel his energy. I'm kind of like a cat with no whiskers now... a bug without antennae. I'm super "feeling" oriented so I do well with being in someone's physical presence. It's his birthday Monday so I sent him a little gift. I think he needs to take some space right now. Maybe I do too... get myself together and calm. I must say it's not easy for me to trust what people say because I've felt so betrayed in the past, but I'm working on letting go of the past. Your advice is helpful Lori. I also read something about making sure your AS partner feels like he has the freedom to focus on his work or creative projects without his space being encroached on. So I am doing that. Normally I'm really good at that because I'm a super creative person too and get obsessed about my projects. This time its a little harder because we stopped talking right after an emotional upset and some insecurities. We did end up our last conversation with super sweet, loving words though. He always says he likes to live in the moment and let things flow naturally. I am like that too... I guess I just have different insecurities than he does.



LoriB
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 15 Oct 2012
Age: 53
Gender: Female
Posts: 317

08 Feb 2013, 10:06 pm

You sound like a perfect match for an Aspie. You understand his needs. It is not always easy for us emotional thinkers. I live with my bf... We have a 2 1/2 year old together and I still have those days where i feel like you do right now and even telling yourself over and over it is just what he needs right now and we are fine I still get my feelings hurt or feel lonely. I just don't let myself act on it or bring it up to him. I do not get an attitude or withdraw. I just let him do what he needs to. He always comes back being super affectionate. I think when the guys know they are free to be who they are and not have to force themselves to be "on" all the time they start to feel more comfortable with us. I have learned now when it is time to ask him to give me what I need and when I need to suck it up and let him do his thing for a while. It will make him feel more secure in you nd build a stronger relationship



ripped
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Jan 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 651

09 Feb 2013, 3:41 am

luna777 wrote:
Thanks, your replies are helpful. It seems like we're kind of taking a "time out" at this point because it got overwhelming with the emotions that came up just when he's starting a super intense creative project he has to finish this week. He said he wanted to Skype "soon" when we found a good window of time and that was a week ago. All he's done since then is send me a cute photo of something. I guess that's his way of saying he's thinking about me. I know it must have been hard for him to see me react in a hurt way and withdraw myself. I think he's waiting for me to be light and playful again like I had been with him. I think that would happen if we were physically in the same space for about 5 minutes and I could feel his energy. I'm kind of like a cat with no whiskers now... a bug without antennae. I'm super "feeling" oriented so I do well with being in someone's physical presence. It's his birthday Monday so I sent him a little gift. I think he needs to take some space right now. Maybe I do too... get myself together and calm. I must say it's not easy for me to trust what people say because I've felt so betrayed in the past, but I'm working on letting go of the past. Your advice is helpful Lori. I also read something about making sure your AS partner feels like he has the freedom to focus on his work or creative projects without his space being encroached on. So I am doing that. Normally I'm really good at that because I'm a super creative person too and get obsessed about my projects. This time its a little harder because we stopped talking right after an emotional upset and some insecurities. We did end up our last conversation with super sweet, loving words though. He always says he likes to live in the moment and let things flow naturally. I am like that too... I guess I just have different insecurities than he does.

You girls are way stronger than us guys are emotionally.
It is like the roles are reversed.
If all of the relationships in his life are somewhat screwed, and he gets his heart ripped out first try, then there may not be that much trust left in the tank.
But you have invested heavily in him. The only guess I can venture is make sure you take you next holidays together and go somewhere close to nature. The further away from everything the better where you can both reconnect to your primal roots together so to speak.
You sound like he needs to get some perspective on the value of your relationship for its own sake.



luna777
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 7 Feb 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 5

09 Feb 2013, 11:48 am

Yeah... I think women are definitely more "naturals" at relationship. And men are in heaven it when they are welcomed into a loving space by a woman they love, but they sometimes sabotage it because they get fearful (of course that can happen the other way around too). He shared with me that meeting me was like reminding him of what he had always wanted and yet forgot about it and had lost faith that it was possible. And yet he questions whether he's worthy of that at this time but he wants to be. I realize that having AS does not mean that someone is a good or bad person... they're just as varied in that sense as everyone else. But when I meet someone on the spectrum who is a good person, there's a purity and an innocence that I find really precious. He and I both shared a dislike of the idea of "flirting" and "dating" and certain socially expected styles of communicating. He told me he'd rather we connect like "two 5 year olds in a playground" and that feels much more exciting to me than any soap opera like dating scene. It's like, when we meet, we're on a brand new territory that never existed before he and I stepped onto that space... like anything could happen. Has anyone seen that movie "Benny and June"? I love that character that Johnny Depp plays, and he seems like a serious AS case to me... one of the more creative ones. I think all AS people are creative, but some of them haven't found that expression yet.



luna777
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 7 Feb 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 5

09 Feb 2013, 12:01 pm

and yes the nature... primal roots thing... totally agree.