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rastachucker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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15 Feb 2013, 4:00 pm

Hello everyone I want to post this here and I want to post this here but I want to ask to bear with me as I am typing this from a really lousy smart phone with bad spelling correction and bad touch keyboard so please bear that in mind while reading this. I wanted to post this ere because I thought that my experice my help others.
I was diagnosed with adhf at 4 and at the time my mother saisbtou could fill a room with me the way I would be all over the place. I had huge behavioral problems as a kid that in junior high I was sent to special ed and remained there till I graduated high school .I remember after being there a couple of years surprised I had not gotten kicked out yet. Then around close to my eighteenth birthday I ran from home because things are home had gotten so bad . Well after a little over 15 hours away I call home and they come and get me but I do not want go home so they x



rastachucker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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15 Feb 2013, 4:38 pm

IsLLPart 2
I run out of the police station cops chased me down put me in jabd cuffs and next thing I am on my way to a Psyche ward for teenagers and for the next year I am in and out of Psyche wards as away to escape home during one of my stays a doctor suggests to call for a conservatorship aon where I live so eventually wind up in UCLA where I spe d the next 6 months while I await the results of the hearing and continue to go to court. Itvwad there that ifot my diagnoses of aspergers. It was something I ran from like the plague I hated it. I even hated it more when they put me in regional center programs with lower functioning people. I did not believe I was disabled and to be put in with people like these oh what could I have done to sdesever this. Ijave since changed my view and really want to advocate for mental health and developmental disorders but at the the I did not want to be caught dead with these people. Now up until now all I had was adhd as diagnoses and really did not understand how that effected me. Anyway I was conserved and left UCLA and when into a group home attached to my high school at first I manage to alienate myself from everyone but quickly made friends and love it there. Until I was kicked out for behavior problems. Yet looking back now the people at the group home have been the closet I have felt to people since. Now there is like no real attachment betweenm and them. Which is sad and I for a long time thought this was a NY product of being as pies but never was a 100% on that. Anyway by the time I left there I was no longer con severed and I move into a regional center group home and quickly get kicked out because I dis liked li for behavior problems.So at one ppoint I end up in my first apartment and decid to stop the meds for adhd and I did not know it then but I know it now that is a mistake because at 21 I experimented with alcohol and love it till 27 where I when to aa fr the first time and stay sober for the first real time and just considered myself an alcoholic because I just wanted to belong somewhere but mist of the time in aa I gave rwferance to my lack of getting alone with peopl as a direct result of aspies but did not really know what it was or how or if it was effecting my life. But then at around 2 and half tears sober I began blowing up at people yelling at them cussing them out or just being blunt with them and began to alienate myselffrom rooms of alcoholics anonymous so upset alone and feeling like the biggest jerk I left as. It just became to hard to stay in rooms where people who used to talk to you ignored you and so shortly I r



GnothiSeauton
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15 Feb 2013, 5:16 pm

It's not a disability, it's how different people look at you and measure you.

Only you can really know what you feel like.

The most important thing is to believe in yourself, so that you can create your own code when dealing with life and the pain and pleasure it brings you.

You have to create patience and concentration in yourself in order to deal with what you think is bothering you in your day to day life.

Isolating yourself works only for as long as you can withstand beating yourself up with what causes you pain.

Giving into that pain makes it pleasurable and will make you go deeper into suffering.

Create something with your mind and your body that speaks of your pain, but brings you hope and make sure you don't hurt anybody in the process.

Then give that thing away to an absolute stranger.

See how that makes you feel.

If it doesn't work at first, repeat. Then repeat again and again until you understand what suffering and happiness are to you.

Finally, when you understand that, you can gift the people you care about the most with your experience and what it allows you to create.

Don't fear rejection, allow it to make you stronger.

Good Luck



rastachucker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
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Joined: 6 Jun 2010
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15 Feb 2013, 5:39 pm

d Relasped and after a few other failed attempts with people and the rooms of as I left there and la for what I thought was good and set out on the road an would spend the next 3 or four tears hiding out from people and life. Because I was disgusted because of inability to not keep quiet and spouting off all the time. So at one point on a return stay in la I got stable and agent to a mental health clinic and told them of my issue with uncontrollable verbal agression after they sat me down for a calm three hour intake I call them up to find out what is going on with my case a week later and I am told very calmly that because I was able to sit threw and not have problems there was nothing wrong with me and so my verbal aggression came out and theyrld me you cannot come here if your acting like this and I said I comming here cause I cannot help acting like this. Needless to say we parted ways because I get scared at those places of them locking me up forever if I am too honest and with the behavior I'll was experiencinf the verbal zaggression I sure I was headed that way so I cut it off. Let pause here and say about a year after I had relapsed I was on a website not this one reading about aspergers and little snippets people left there about there struggles with it and I finally got and was able to accept my aspies that and the many many failed social encounters in aa help me get there to where I was willing to accept it. Anyway that is why I start seeking these mental health places because I wanted to get better but I also knew an aspie was not my entire story I rememberwen I was down in San Diego out of desperation I put up on this website about my verbal aggression issue an. Some one posted a video clip of a talk by some doctor talking about adhhd andvrbal or psychical behavior and adhd. See for a majority of the three years I spent hindinf out I thought the issue that I was dealing with was aspers never thought that add had something to do with owjat was going on and i mean anger had been all over life from when I stopped taking meds on I damage walls got ask to leave places all because of this unexplained anger inside of me and I did not know where it came from or how to get rid of it. I still after seeing the videoclip put add ut of my mind and only focus on being an aspie and thinking I was hopeless asbtherwvis no real treatment for aspergers so I felt stuck and that is why I mean on the road for so long because I was hopeless and clueless about why I had this problem and why pray and will could not remove it. Now I back living in la again and shortly after moving here I got to experience the love of God and see the beauty of the Savior who gave His life for me and finally see the amazing love Jesus had and still has for us. Now I could see the safrice as love and fully except and give myself to Jesus and experice His unconditional love foe the first rime. Yet Eben in spite of this wonderful amazing gift of salvation the verbal agresaion remained and I am sitting out in glendal CA begging God to show me why I am like this why will this not foaway then I find my self in barnes and noble and there next to the eleclator is a nook on add I buy and been skimming threw it ans amazed at how it has me peg to why I need and crave confrontation to why I am so angry and why.I have such lousy follow threw on thing and for a long time I believe that crux of my problem was I was an aspie which to meeant things where hopeless because very pperson who was a specialist in the field wanted touch to help the but now i that I know the let biggest of the two problems is add or adhd ibknpw there is more support out there for and with the proper meds I can get better. I thought I was stuck this way. I out this here because I know others who might be like me wondering why they even feel a little different in a group of as pies may because you r dealing with something that is teumping tour aspiea. On a final note I got sober again on the road and when I got sober it was at time when I was about to kill myself and I prayed one night and I had a moment of clarity and this was pre salvationa realized two things alcohol was not my primary problem Aaron the time I thought as pies was and I forgiving did not require the person I was forgiving tone involved. Still the greatest fact of my life today is to have a personal and close relationship with Jesuswho loves and forgives me even in spite of my anger and verbal aggression. I hope if you read rhisbi apologize for know paragraphs as I not good at all on English grammar. But I hope it helps some and I still even knowing the problem need to find a solution. Thank tou



GnothiSeauton
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16 Feb 2013, 1:34 am

You fear a lot of things. But fear is not what you're really worried about, is it?

I think you want the truth about yourself.

That can only come from absolute surrender.

You want an invincible defeat.

Death is not IT.

There is enough death around you.

Have a smile and keep asking for help. Beg if necessary.

In the end you'll find what you are really looking for.