How Often Do You Think About Suicide?

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There has only been one time I seriously thought of it.

But I quite often think it would have been better if I had been stillborn.

caragil

I have suicidal thoughts every day. I guess it's because I'm regularly humiliated and picked on by classmates and teachers alike in school for my unusual behaviour and inability to speak in certain situations.

Then there's the: "Will I make it to independence?" and, "What if I won't be accepted this time?" questions that haunt the back of my mind.

Been thinking about it more frequently since I ran out of meds a month ago and the whole Autism Speaks "Light It Up Blue" fustercluck is starting up now....I know that my presence in the world just ruins everything for the normal people (especially my stepmother's side of the family); I've known it ever since I was a young child, I don't need constant reminders. I hope it's a consolation to them that I don't want to be in a world filled with normal people any more than they want me in it. So there.

People can always contact The Samaritans if they feel suicidal. That goes for people outside the UK too

[email protected]
text number +44 7725 90 90 90

I work for the Samaritans here in the UK and can see week to week the difference they make just by giving people the opportunity to talk, anonymously and confidentially about how they feel

What do you have to lose? if you don't like the response then don't reply

well, lemme see. i thought about killing myself every day from the time i was about 10 until i was about 25 or a few years after that. i finally got some effective treatment for major depression at about 25 which started to relief my mood disorder after about 6 months and i began to get days - just days, mind you, here and there - when i felt better. then weeks, then months, then years. now, when i don't know how to cope with something, i still get suicidal thoughts, but i rarely (not, never, but rarely) get that way because of depression. it's almost like a default mode for my brain. if i don't know how to cope, my first thought is always one of escape, and suicide is the ultimate back door. mostly, though, i don't actually want to or feel like acting on it, or even feel that depressed; it's just where my brain goes when i'm afraid.

now, there was a time not too long ago when i was very depressed and had a plan and means, but that time has passed and left me feeling stronger, calmer, and more resilient. finding WP has been a blessing as well.

personally i think the worst thing you can do for someone who feels suicidal is try to convince them that their life is worth living, that their pain will get better, etc. if you haven't been there, you have absolutely no idea what sense of desperation drives someone to consider killing themselves, how bad it really is. i mean c'mon. it's the biggest fear most people have - dying. the fear of being destroyed is *one* of the most traumatic experiences you can have. do you really think all someone who is considering offing themselves needs is encouragement or a reality check? the psychic pain is beyond being endurable. BS it's a selfish act. personally i think it's the self-centeredness of grief of other people that dictate that point of view.

it's a desperate act, the ultimate desperation. most of us in that place just need to be heard & loved. we are in pain beyond what you can possibly imagine. i'm not speaking for everyone, i just know when someone tries to talk me out of being hopeless it just drives me further into it. it's very isolating and feels very judgemental.

and the truth is when pain is that bad, sometimes suicide really feels like the only option. i'm not saying it is, but it sure feels that way. if you can't speak to someone from a place of true understanding, and you still want to help, find someone who can understand and leave them the f**k alone. you will do more harm than good.

before i got real help with my depression, i literally had no idea what it felt like *not* to be that depressed. i'd been there that long. i had no conscious un-depressed memory. i'd been there at least since i was five years old. you could tell me life would eventually get better, but i had no frame of reference for that. no concept of what that might be like. i literally sought help only because i was terrified of dying and the desire to die was becoming overwhelming. i knew that was irreversible. i didn't want to go there, i just didn't know what else to do or how to continue to live. i had seen multiple therapists and i sought one out one last time, and i'll never forget sitting in her office and having her look me in the eye and say, 'I know you feel like you can't get better, but i've been there myself and i'm telling you, you can do it. you can change your life.' she was the first one not to talk to me out of her education but out of her life experience. she was the first person who literally had walked the talk. and because of her, i didn't give up. i had no idea why i was hanging on, but i trusted her enough to believe when i couldn't even belief in myself or my ability to heal. and eventually it did work, and i'm very grateful for that experience.

i can still vividly remember my very first not-depressed moment. it was literally like feeling the sun come out for the first time. i had a friend tell me once as an adult she wasn't re-habilitated, she was just habilitated. that's how i felt. i wasn't given back something, i didn't recover anything. i got it for the first time in my conscious memory. that is a pretty miraculous experience and one only someone who has been there will ever really have the perspective to understand.

i treasure every day i am not depressed. true depression is a soul killer if there ever was one. i lived in fear of returning there every day for decades. now i've found i can go there and come back, so i'm not so afraid of it. i know when i can bounce back and when i need extra help.

I have gone from it being a daily occurrence to an uncommon one by restructuring my life

I chose "weekly," though right now, it might be more accurate to say "biweekly" since things are going pretty well right now.

During certain difficult periods of my life, it has been daily, or even multiple times a day. But I've never come close to acting on it, and for sure would never do it especially now that I have children.

My ideations are just that: when things are really rough, my mind turns toward the old melancholy escapist daydream, which occasionally becomes an intense rumination about death and the relief it may or may not bring with it.

I think about it all the time. Multiple times a day. Glad to know I am not alone..
I should get help But it seems it's the only thing that keeps me sane, a ticket out.
And I am quite confident that one day I am going to do it, once certain conditions are met. Or not.

Enough...And although i think that it is a really stupid thing to do, i can not tell for sure that i would not do it tommorow or some day in future.

Every day.

I probably won't ever go ahead and do it, but yes. Every day.

I've always thought about it occasionally. Life on the spectrum can be a struggle in many ways. It has been for me. I've developed full-on depression recently, so I'm thinking about it all the time. I'd never do it - I couldn't do that to my family, at the very least - but I do think about it a lot. I'm trying to build up the courage to get help. I've just gotten used to keeping a lot of what I'm thinking and feeling to myself, so the thought of letting my guard down completely is sort of terrifying. I'm working on it.

many people i know keep throwing suicide out as an option to make me value them more, and i do consider what life would be like without them, but i have not much attention for that type of consideration, so i can not be bothered to truly analyse it.
2 of my friends told me that they were going to commit suicide on 2 closely separated nights, and they did, but all i wanted to do is go home and leave them be in their mental quagmire. they could not be talked out of it by me so there was nothing i felt i could do to prevent them from dying.
die they did.

I have had suicidal ideas all my adult life, since the age of 16. Son these times I have been depressed but other times sheer frustration has done it. I think frustration is the more common emotion when I feel like this.