How Often Do You Think About Suicide?

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I go for extended periods of time when I don't think about suicide at all. Then I go through extended periods where I think about it multiple times a day. It becomes very consuming and I find it hard to think of anything else at all. I'm in one of those periods right now.

My life has become very isolating and I feel that there are very few people I can be honest with. I dread leaving the house because I've become so worried about upsetting other people. I've given up trying to make friends, because over the past several years, the only "friends" I've made have turned out to be using me, or have drifted away because I was "too difficult." I understand that having Aspergers makes me hard to be around. I lack that social filter and accidentally offend people on a regular basis - I think this compounded by all those childhood lessons about honesty being the best policy. I look around me and see NT people who are selfish, greedy, and possibly sociopathic, and I wonder why these people have friends and I don't.

I have a wonderful husband, but I feel as though, because of his work hours, I don't spend as much time with him as I'd like. I spend most of my time at home, leaving the house only for necessary errands, doctors visits, and creative activities that I find therapeutic.

At this point, I can't forgive myself for all of the years I spent as a horrible drunk, self medicating before I got a diagnosis.

I thought that being honest with people about my diagnosis would help, but it has only led to ridicule and one of my so called "friends" using me (without my knowledge or consent) for an anthropologic study.

I usually live in hope that things will improve, but right now I have none.

I feel as though I'm overburdened by a few friends and family members who have severe mental health issues, and that I spend so much time looking after these people that I have no time to try and address my own issues.

It's not as though I'm at my wits end. It's more suicide seems like a logical thing to do based four years of therapy that have helped me understand myself better, but done little to improve my quality of life, and the multiple drugs I've been on that have all caused uncommon but undesirable side effects for me. Right now, I don't feel as though anyone can help.

Thank you for establishing a forum in which I can vent.

Be easier to ask how often I don't think about it.....

Well, weekly, I guess, depending on the mood, of course.

I often wonder why people like me exist in this world at all. I wish everybody would just leave me alone.

But, such exaggerated self-hatred won't help my issues after all, besides, I'm not the only one struggling.

Some people don't get food, other people never get the feeling of belonging. It's as simple as that.

Just put out three times the effort and see what happens... (half the results, but who cares?)

I am eager to "Go Home" but suicide isn't the answer.

We are each here for a reason, and everyone's purpose here in this world is unique.

I KNOW how GREAT the oneness & unity felt before I came here, but we ARE here. We are here to live. We are here to experience life.

I have to be really careful these days about missing a dose of my antidepressant medications. My anxiety goes out of control if I miss meds or sleep and I've been on the verge of checking myself into hospital to keep from self-harming. Other than that, I try to divert myself through recreational activity or exercise.

As hard as it may seem to keep going, I try to remind myself that there are others I would hurt through self-harm. I also believe that this is but one life among many that I have lived and will live and to cut it short will also cut short the lessons I am supposed to learn in this lifetime.

I have improved my life since I figured out I had ASD and went and got diagnosed.

I often felt like killing myself before that but not in the last two years.

My life is going better but it is still an effort and I worry about loved ones dying off I can not see that going well for me.


I am the youngest in my family an I am nearly 40 and still living with my parents.

I have never been able to form a relationship or a normal friendships.

So here is where I am at I am improving my life as best as I can and I am content these days.

However if I found out I had a terminal condition tomorrow part of me would be relieved.

I have never seriously thought about it, I've always seen death as a lot worse than being miserable in life because then there's no chance that things can get better.

Even though I have been feeling somewhat ok the past couple weeks....pretty much everyday, sometimes even in my dreams. Perhaps I am not feeling ok after all

There has only been one time I seriously thought of it.

But I quite often think it would have been better if I had been stillborn.

caragil

I have suicidal thoughts every day. I guess it's because I'm regularly humiliated and picked on by classmates and teachers alike in school for my unusual behaviour and inability to speak in certain situations.

Then there's the: "Will I make it to independence?" and, "What if I won't be accepted this time?" questions that haunt the back of my mind.

Been thinking about it more frequently since I ran out of meds a month ago and the whole Autism Speaks "Light It Up Blue" fustercluck is starting up now....I know that my presence in the world just ruins everything for the normal people (especially my stepmother's side of the family); I've known it ever since I was a young child, I don't need constant reminders. I hope it's a consolation to them that I don't want to be in a world filled with normal people any more than they want me in it. So there.

People can always contact The Samaritans if they feel suicidal. That goes for people outside the UK too

[email protected]
text number +44 7725 90 90 90

I work for the Samaritans here in the UK and can see week to week the difference they make just by giving people the opportunity to talk, anonymously and confidentially about how they feel

What do you have to lose? if you don't like the response then don't reply

well, lemme see. i thought about killing myself every day from the time i was about 10 until i was about 25 or a few years after that. i finally got some effective treatment for major depression at about 25 which started to relief my mood disorder after about 6 months and i began to get days - just days, mind you, here and there - when i felt better. then weeks, then months, then years. now, when i don't know how to cope with something, i still get suicidal thoughts, but i rarely (not, never, but rarely) get that way because of depression. it's almost like a default mode for my brain. if i don't know how to cope, my first thought is always one of escape, and suicide is the ultimate back door. mostly, though, i don't actually want to or feel like acting on it, or even feel that depressed; it's just where my brain goes when i'm afraid.

now, there was a time not too long ago when i was very depressed and had a plan and means, but that time has passed and left me feeling stronger, calmer, and more resilient. finding WP has been a blessing as well.

personally i think the worst thing you can do for someone who feels suicidal is try to convince them that their life is worth living, that their pain will get better, etc. if you haven't been there, you have absolutely no idea what sense of desperation drives someone to consider killing themselves, how bad it really is. i mean c'mon. it's the biggest fear most people have - dying. the fear of being destroyed is *one* of the most traumatic experiences you can have. do you really think all someone who is considering offing themselves needs is encouragement or a reality check? the psychic pain is beyond being endurable. BS it's a selfish act. personally i think it's the self-centeredness of grief of other people that dictate that point of view.

it's a desperate act, the ultimate desperation. most of us in that place just need to be heard & loved. we are in pain beyond what you can possibly imagine. i'm not speaking for everyone, i just know when someone tries to talk me out of being hopeless it just drives me further into it. it's very isolating and feels very judgemental.

and the truth is when pain is that bad, sometimes suicide really feels like the only option. i'm not saying it is, but it sure feels that way. if you can't speak to someone from a place of true understanding, and you still want to help, find someone who can understand and leave them the f**k alone. you will do more harm than good.

before i got real help with my depression, i literally had no idea what it felt like *not* to be that depressed. i'd been there that long. i had no conscious un-depressed memory. i'd been there at least since i was five years old. you could tell me life would eventually get better, but i had no frame of reference for that. no concept of what that might be like. i literally sought help only because i was terrified of dying and the desire to die was becoming overwhelming. i knew that was irreversible. i didn't want to go there, i just didn't know what else to do or how to continue to live. i had seen multiple therapists and i sought one out one last time, and i'll never forget sitting in her office and having her look me in the eye and say, 'I know you feel like you can't get better, but i've been there myself and i'm telling you, you can do it. you can change your life.' she was the first one not to talk to me out of her education but out of her life experience. she was the first person who literally had walked the talk. and because of her, i didn't give up. i had no idea why i was hanging on, but i trusted her enough to believe when i couldn't even belief in myself or my ability to heal. and eventually it did work, and i'm very grateful for that experience.

i can still vividly remember my very first not-depressed moment. it was literally like feeling the sun come out for the first time. i had a friend tell me once as an adult she wasn't re-habilitated, she was just habilitated. that's how i felt. i wasn't given back something, i didn't recover anything. i got it for the first time in my conscious memory. that is a pretty miraculous experience and one only someone who has been there will ever really have the perspective to understand.

i treasure every day i am not depressed. true depression is a soul killer if there ever was one. i lived in fear of returning there every day for decades. now i've found i can go there and come back, so i'm not so afraid of it. i know when i can bounce back and when i need extra help.

I have gone from it being a daily occurrence to an uncommon one by restructuring my life