I wish I were never born

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I'm in constant anguish from gender dysphoria. Even after almost 5 years of hormones, I'm basically nowhere in passing as female. I have severe depression as a result, and seeing a psychiatrist for antidepressants and a therapist doesn't help much at all.

I just want the pain to end, but I don't have the courage to off myself. I keep wishing I were never born, so I wouldn't have to feel this pain.

Berth girl breath, I have met many trans of different ages and gender transitions. They all feel this..you need to breath. I bet you are beautiful and a great person just in a bad spot right now. PM me and let's talk.

I'm not beautiful. I know this objectively from various things, including being called "sir" always.

I've been in a bad spot for years. I just don't want to exist anymore. I give up. I'm so tired of trying.

We all have to play the hand we are dealt. I can only imagine you have a very unique perspective on life. Each person is different so don't waste your time on people who think we should be "cookie cutter" clones.

I'd recommend expressing your feelings to people you trust as much as you can. Understanding that your feelings are acceptable and that people will not hate you for them is helpful with depression, and having someone to talk to at any time is as well.

I'm sorry you feel so awful. I care about you and I hope you can find a way to be happy. I'm sure there are others on here who care about you.

I've had gender dysphoria to an extent and I know it must be torturous to feel that way all the time and very intensely.

I´m sorry. I completely understand how you feel. I feel the same, many times I wish I have never been born (for other reasons than you do, though). So I totally understand and share your pain.

But then you wouldn't be able to find out what your reason is.. as everything happens for a reason, even you, even me. If you hang around long enough you might be lucky enough to figure out what you were put here for and live it. Can't do that if you were never born!

I get the frustration, I do, but maybe you just need to stop looking in the mirror and judging yourself so harshly based on some set of appearance criteria you've decided you should meet. Stop obsessing about that and free yourself. Do what you do, be who you are, look outward around you and enjoy the joys the world has to offer, and when you're enjoying yourself you'll be putting off good vibes in all directions and you'll catch others enjoying your presence regardless of what you look like so long as you're exuding positivity all around you.

Since we're talking about appearances, have a look at people/kids who've been horribly disfigured in a fire, accident, or war.. they still have fun, smile, and can make others around them smile and enjoy life just as well or better than anyone else can - better because there will most certainly be "aesthetically-typical," people out there who might be caught off guard at first glance, but once they realize this person is still just as valid & valued as any other soul, they'll come around to reacting just the same way as they would to anyone else' smile. It's got to be more challenging for someone who's been disfigured to put on that smile all the time and go at life with a can-do positive attitude, but they still do it, especially kids - because kids haven't been so conditioned by years of marketing by tv/hollywood that convince people they've got to fit a certain mould or they're defective. Kids will adapt so much easier and just be kids - and ditto goes for other kids around them accepting them as equals. There's an awful lot we could learn about how to treat ourselves and each other by observing a group of kids at play.

And in finding comfort on common ground, have you ever attended a gay pride parade event? I've only ever checked one out once, but I've gotta say the best and most valuable part of the whole experience was just watching everyone around (hundreds of thousands of people) just Being Free - being exactly who they are, feeling comfortable, acting however they like, dressing however they like, expressing themselves however they saw fit & w/o fear or worries or anxiety about what anyone else around thinks. That was truly a beautiful thing to witness, and if you've never experienced it I suggest you do - it might just change your perspective on things, especially if/when you find others exactly like yourself attending for the exact same reason.

I just want the pain to end. I don't want to be spending several hours of each day crying alone from gender dysphoria.

I just want it to be over.

Where are you with your social group.

Do you have friends--even online friends--who recognize you for the woman that you are? Do you have a person--any person--who will be there to reaffirm that no matter what the outside looks like, you are a woman with a difficult burden to carry?

If you can find that one friend, that may be the first step away from crying alone.

I do have friends who accept me as my true gender. However, if I kept telling them how I'm crying and all, they'd probably get annoyed. This has happened with other friends. =(

I'm sorry you're feeling bad.

I frequently dress feminine so people think I want to be a girl. I'm not a girl. This is extremely difficult because I don't like being called a girl. People say, "If you're going to dress like a girl and wear make-up, then what do you expect?" as if I don't have a right to be recognized for who I am. I understand that most people have a concept of "girl" and "boy" but that doesn't mean that I have to suffer because of their paradigm. People's view of gender NEEDS to be shaken up by individuals like us. They need to understand what gender really is and isn't.

It's a daily struggle for me; I constantly feel pulled in different directions by people (or any gender dichotomy I encounter) as to how I should act and dress. I will stand before my closet and try to choose between "girl" clothes and "boy" clothes. Some people don't have the courage to address me as "he" when I'm dressed feminine. They get embarrassed and it's extremely hurtful. You know what? Screw them all. I don't tell everyone else to change in order to fit MY worldview. I try to understand where they're coming from, even if it's extremely difficult.

Btw, I stopped organizing my closet to fit gender. I have it organized by color now.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my story to show you that you're not alone.

Hands down goldfish21 covered wonderful areas on this topic. Respect to that,
Listen to tha gold feesh!