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Nambo
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22 Mar 2013, 9:49 am

Nicoleminnie wrote:
but he just turns it over to how it makes him feel having a wife that could just go with anyone. .


Just as people who tell lies find it difficult to believe what other people say, because if you cannot trust yourself, how can you trust anybody else.

And people who are completely honest can be a bit naive, because deception is so alien to them, they expect it to be the same in others.

etc, etc

People who cheat are automatically going to think their partner will be just as inclined to do the same.



Nicoleminnie
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22 Mar 2013, 10:43 am

And he's saying that if I leave him he is going either stab or starv himself to death which is bullying I told him he's bullying me but he just doesn't listen



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22 Mar 2013, 10:55 am

Nicoleminnie wrote:
And he's saying that if I leave him he is going either stab or starv himself to death which is bullying I told him he's bullying me but he just doesn't listen

Get the authorities involved if you do leave him. They won't let him do that to himself.


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League_Girl
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22 Mar 2013, 1:19 pm

Nicoleminnie wrote:
And he's saying that if I leave him he is going either stab or starv himself to death which is bullying I told him he's bullying me but he just doesn't listen



f**k him, if he wants to do death threats and be manipulative, you are not responsible for his death or whatever he does to himself if you leave him.


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Adamantium
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22 Mar 2013, 1:36 pm

Anecdotes are evidence of nothing and predict nothing, but I know of a slightly similar situation* and the NT wife did leave the autistic husband despite the suicide threats.

He is still around, so it only seemed like the end of the world. She is living a new life now and much happier.


*he was not a paranoid controller, but refused to make any sort of signs of physical or emotional affection.



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22 Mar 2013, 1:50 pm

Nicoleminnie wrote:
And he's saying that if I leave him he is going either stab or starv himself to death which is bullying I told him he's bullying me but he just doesn't listen


If he says that you really should get in touch with a suicide hotline/mental hospital/something of that nature. This goes whether you think he is sincere or not - you can't be sure, and either way it's for the best. If he was really in danger, you've prevented it; if he was being manipulative, he needs to see that such manipulation has serious consequences; if it was a cry for help (but not a serious threat) he will still get the help he needs.

Generally when I can't tell where a person is really coming from (which, since I'm autistic, is most of the time) I look for a response that covers all likely possibilities...



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22 Mar 2013, 2:41 pm

This man is being emotionally abusive. He is not your responsibility and if he chooses to harm himself it is his choice and his choice only. Most people who make threats like this do not carry them through. However, if they do, it is not your fault. You have explained to him how you feel and Aspergers will not prevent him understanding this now you have made it clear. If you decide to leave, then inform his healthcare provider of the threats and walk away with a clear conscience. If you decide to stay, please seek support for yourself.



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22 Mar 2013, 2:45 pm

A big sign of Spousal Abuse is: one spouse won't let the other go ANYWHERE without them. In fact it is the number one thing health professionals are trianed to watch for. Even my wife has been asked. lol. We just like being together. we let each go places separately all the time. I just have an ...easier... time scheduling doctor's appointments than she does.

Get out now! Go to a Womens Shelter! Go to Counseling. Before he turns violent. You are being emotionally and mentally abused. Get out now!



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22 Mar 2013, 2:55 pm

This horrible behavior will not get better. You need help figuring out how to LEAVE. You need to talk to a professional. This isn't about fixing him or making him feel better... it is about freeing you from living with him.


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Callista
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22 Mar 2013, 6:44 pm

Yeah. Asperger's is beside the point. This guy is threatening to commit suicide if you leave him? Big red flag. If it were just that he were constantly scared that you were cheating on him I'd say, okay, maybe this is salvageable. But I didn't realize the extent to which he was monitoring you, isolating you, and trying to manipulate and control you. Manipulating people like that doesn't come naturally to someone with AS--I think that the fact that he's doing it, and has AS, should say to you that this is pretty darn serious. Maybe he doesn't have particularly severe AS, and so manipulation isn't so hard for him as it is for many of us, and granted, threatening suicide isn't exactly subtle--but still, it's not exactly a good sign, is it, that he thinks he can control you like that.

We see this here sometimes at WP: Someone will come here and say, "My spouse has AS," and the actual problem is that their spouse is abusive. Much of the time, they won't have AS at all; sometimes, they do but they're also being a jerk. I guess people mix up "lack of ability to read others' emotions" (an AS trait) with "lack of ability to care about what other people are feeling" (not an AS trait--we do care; we're just clueless sometimes). Abusive spouses are not necessarily stereotypical drunks who beat you over the head with a beer bottle. They can be anxious, possessive, frightened people; or people whose anger gets the better of them, who never learned how to relate to someone in a positive way. The only thing that they all have in common is that they habitually mistreat their spouses.

Autistic people are unusually vulnerable to abuse, maybe because we tend to be isolated or naive; many of us here are abuse survivors who have been mistreated by spouses or by parents, so we know what we're talking about when we say we see some red flags in what you're describing. Being controlling and manipulative to the point of threatening suicide is not something that happens in a healthy relationship.

Take steps to protect yourself and any pets, children, or other vulnerable people living in your home. I don't know whether you're in physical danger--you know that best--but what he's doing to you isn't right, and unless he realizes that there's a problem and takes steps to correct it--and I mean real steps, not just apologizing and saying he'll never do it again--he's going to keep hurting you.


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Nicoleminnie
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23 Mar 2013, 8:09 am

He still won't admit to what he has done , he thinks people on the Internet aren't real and that they are in another country , what???? So he's saying the person he done disgusting things on the Internet with Is imaginary and that he's never going to meet, but there not real, that doesn't even make sence and he blames his autism for it. I just want him to admit to what he done, why can't he instead of making up crap that doesn't make sence.



naturalplastic
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23 Mar 2013, 9:13 am

Its not Asperger's related.

Are you saying that he is even afraid that his own MOTHER is going to set you up with another man!

Do I understand you correctly?

I think that he is a paranoid friggin nut case.

A lady friend had a boyfriend like that many years ago- constantly jealous- and imagining her having affairs all of the time. This obsession became a type of emotional abuse. She finnally left him.
Not aware of that guy being an aspie ( i doubt it - he mightve been- but even if he was aspergers is not what was relevent). But even this bf of my friend wouldnt imagine that his own mom was getting dates for his gf!



Last edited by naturalplastic on 23 Mar 2013, 10:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

Callista
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23 Mar 2013, 9:28 am

Ugh. Blaming stuff on your AS is so not cool. I mean, yeah, you can say "I do this because I have AS", but that doesn't mean you just sit around and let whatever-it-is hurt people. Like, when I cluelessly insult someone without meaning to, and find out what I did, I don't just go, "I can't help it; I have AS!" I ask what I said, why it hurt, and what I should have said instead. I apologize for my mistake and I add it to my mental things-not-to-say list.

Stuff on the Internet is real--but your husband's idea that it's "not real" somehow is a common one. On the Internet, anonymous, people seem to feel free to do things they'd never dare to do in real life. But the interaction is real. I'm more aware of that than most people, because for me, interacting online is a pure exchange of information that bypasses many of the non-verbal complexities of face-to-face communication.

I want to shake this guy and tell him that "not physical" doesn't mean "not real".


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Nicoleminnie
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23 Mar 2013, 9:29 am

Yeah his own mother , I've talked to her a little about it but I haven't told her just how bad he is because he's very good at making out I'm the bad guy and he tells his friends that I hit and shout at him . I've never hit him.



Callista
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23 Mar 2013, 9:39 am

Sooo he's trying to trash your reputation too?

This guy sounds like a douche.


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naturalplastic
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23 Mar 2013, 11:58 am

Nicoleminnie wrote:
Yeah his own mother , I've talked to her a little about it but I haven't told her just how bad he is because he's very good at making out I'm the bad guy and he tells his friends that I hit and shout at him . I've never hit him.


Maybe Im fixating on something that is off-topic, but I have to ask.

What does he imagine is his mom's motive for trying to hand you off to someone else?

The least insane scenario would be that he thinks that his mom does not approve of you and is trying to marry you off to someone else so he can find someone classier that she approves of for him ( she is trying to break up the marriage to benifit him).


Or does he imagine that his mom is out to hurt him? Or is she out to help you at his expense ( ie loves you more than she loves her own son)?

The more I think about it the crazier it seems.



Last edited by naturalplastic on 23 Mar 2013, 12:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.