Tips on how to tell if a man has good intentions?

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Pip
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04 Apr 2013, 12:28 am

I will be twenty this year and I am at a point in my life where I am considering the possibility of dating for the first time since high school. However, my past experiences with the opposite sex have not been great and guys who are interested for the wrong reasons do not usually openly share their true intentions. Does anyone have any tips on how to tell if someone is being manipulative?


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cathylynn
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04 Apr 2013, 1:00 am

take things slow and see how he handles it.



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04 Apr 2013, 2:46 am

If you have to change religions for him, watch out. I knew one couple where the guy was really manipulative. He got the girl to change religions, from Catholic to Church of Christ and then lost interest. Every once in a while, they would get back together for a day or two and then he'd drop her again.

Another thing to do is to look at their past history. I knew one guy who had been married several times. After about a year, he'd get bored with the marriage and they'd get divorced and he would move on. Of course, things like this may not be very clear at first.



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04 Apr 2013, 3:01 am

The most important things will be a few major things.

1) Make sure his actions and his words match up. If he says one thing, and does another more than a few times, drop him. If you are ever in doubt because he says one thing and does something else, always decide what to do based on his actions and ignore his words. I can't stress how important that is. Guys in general, and especially guys with bad intentions, will say all manner of things they don't mean which sound great but won't follow through with actions. Some of the good guys won't say much at all, but there actions will speak clearly. If you ignore their actions, you risk getting hurt (and many women do, because they like what they hear and desperately want to believe it - rather than looking at his actions which are usually very clear when they aren't interested).

2) Look for both consistency and frequency of contact and of meetings. Consistency is the best way to tell he is serious, frequency tells you how interested he is at a particular moment. Maybe sure whatever pace he sets, he is consistent. The frequency should increase naturally as you get to know each other. If he isn't consistent, drop him. If he isn't contacting you more than 2 times a week after 4 dates, drop him.

3) You need to make sure they accept and respect your answer when it is "No", especially if it's something you can't do, won't do, aren't comfortable with or aren't ready for. Men with questionable intentions will often keep going, pushing your boundary, and ignoring your "no" and will refuse to accept and respect it. It is a good test of someone's character when you seriously say "No" to them about something - watch how they react carefully, as it will tell you a lot about their character. It they can't handle you telling them "no" in a graceful manner, it's better to let them go and move on to someone else.


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Last edited by Kjas on 04 Apr 2013, 6:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

Highlander852456
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04 Apr 2013, 6:02 am

What are good intentions? Some partners may have different intentions which maybe a problem.



Stargazer43
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04 Apr 2013, 6:58 am

Beware the guy who tries to pressure you into doing things you aren't comfortable with



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05 Apr 2013, 3:19 pm

Who decides what are good intentions? Keep in mind that nobody owes you anything because you have sex with him.

The only hint I can give, is to not have sex on the first, second or even third date. Allthough many succesful relationships started with a casual fling or sex on the first date, a guy's who's in love with you won't pressure you into sex before you know him well and have been dating for a while.



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05 Apr 2013, 3:53 pm

Time.

Some guys can act nice/charming/friendly for a while, but if it's a bullsh*t act it'll become more apparent with time. Don't rush a relationship with a stranger... no need to jump in the sack right away.



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06 Apr 2013, 8:26 am

one sign to watch for is someone who tries to push you to wear certain clothes, eat certain foods, act a certain way around friends, etc. if someone is too critical of you in the early days, then it is likely that they are manipulating you right from the get-go. if they do not trust you to make decisions for yourself and you allow them to guide you quite a lot from the start, they might take more and more of a dominant role over you.


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06 Apr 2013, 8:52 am

Telling you what to wear and how to behave is more typically the woman's job.



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06 Apr 2013, 8:55 am

ArrantPariah wrote:
Telling you what to wear and how to behave is more typically the woman's job.

no, it's nobody's "job".


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ArrantPariah
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06 Apr 2013, 10:27 am

:hail:



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06 Apr 2013, 10:32 am

Pip wrote:
I will be twenty this year and I am at a point in my life where I am considering the possibility of dating for the first time since high school. However, my past experiences with the opposite sex have not been great and guys who are interested for the wrong reasons do not usually openly share their true intentions. Does anyone have any tips on how to tell if someone is being manipulative?


The culture of the Anglosphere generally calls for people to be indirect and coy regarding their true intentions, and to keep their cards well hidden.

Perhaps you could ask him straight out what his reasons and intentions are.

If he embarks on something that contradicts his stated intentions, then ask him about the contradiction.

And, be abundantly clear about your own intentions.



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06 Apr 2013, 10:40 am

hyperlexian wrote:
one sign to watch for is someone who tries to push you to wear certain clothes, eat certain foods, act a certain way around friends, etc. if someone is too critical of you in the early days, then it is likely that they are manipulating you right from the get-go. if they do not trust you to make decisions for yourself and you allow them to guide you quite a lot from the start, they might take more and more of a dominant role over you.



This is so true.
I needed this 18 years ago.


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06 Apr 2013, 1:03 pm

IlovemyAspie wrote:
hyperlexian wrote:
one sign to watch for is someone who tries to push you to wear certain clothes, eat certain foods, act a certain way around friends, etc. if someone is too critical of you in the early days, then it is likely that they are manipulating you right from the get-go. if they do not trust you to make decisions for yourself and you allow them to guide you quite a lot from the start, they might take more and more of a dominant role over you.



This is so true.
I needed this 18 years ago.


Ditto... I'd have recognized my ex as a control freak from the get-go...



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06 Apr 2013, 1:30 pm

1) Make him wait.
2) Keep track of his requests - if they seem to be pushy or asking you to behave/perform in specific ways? Run!