Page 1 of 1 [ 1 post ] 

NullCoding
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 31 Oct 2011
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 42
Location: Philadelphia suburbs

14 Apr 2013, 3:24 pm

I'm not sure if "we've all been there," or this is specific to me (because of all my co-morbidities). If it's just me, please say so, and try to do so in a helpful fashion if you'd be so kind.

My question actually stems from something that has been bothering me for quite some time, including before I even knew what Asperger's was and indeed before I was diagnosed with anything whatsoever. Needless to say, I've always had a great deal of trouble interacting with people, especially my family and significant others over the years. The only advice I've yet received is that I need to "learn how to cope" and "learn how to interact with people." I have researched and researched and asked and asked, but nobody seems to be able to say anything more than "you have to learn." Great! How do I learn? Oh, you don't know? Well, shut up until you can give me helpful advice!

Learning to understand social cues is one thing I've been told to do constantly. The problem is that I've been given conflicting advice. For example, I was told often to always be genuine and honest with people (which comes naturally) and told more recently not to be too honest or even polite to people because it will creep them out and they will avoid me. I've been told to avoid social situations entirely, but I've also been told to push myself out of my comfort zone in order to better understand how people interact. That one is really a mystery, since I love parties as long as I know most of the people there (easily accomplished while I was attending a small college). It's all very confusing and sometimes misleading.

All the while, I've been struggling to make and keep friends. I never learned my lesson, so I kept trying and trying over and over again, not even considering that it would probably fail terribly like all the times before. By the time I left college, one "friend" was scared of me, another preferred not to be around me for too long, I'd been accused of assault (by an unmedicated bi-polar individual a hundred miles away), and had the equivalent of a restraining order placed against somebody who had deliberately played on my emotional weaknesses because it entertained her. I haven't even mentioned how the professors treated me. Needless to say, even a neuro-typical individual might come away from this all a bit disillusioned...

At what point, though, do you get tired of apologizing all the time? I am used to it by now, but that doesn't mean I like it. I've gotten better at assigning blame in that I no longer automatically assume that everything is my fault, but at the same time it's difficult to blame anybody else! I have been apologizing for the way I am for years. Towards the end of my time at college (I did not graduate, I left without notice) I did not come out of my single room in my small college-owned house except for the occasional meal and to go to work (evenings, thankfully). I didn't want to subject people to my presence any more than was absolutely necessary, and I was astute enough to realize that when people said they were "busy," they really meant "I don't want to see you or be around you but I'm afraid to say that so I'll just lie."

I apologized to one friend last year quite a bit. I happened to be attracted to her, even though I knew she didn't like that. It made things very difficult indeed. Luckily (somehow) we are on good terms despite me making her put up with me all year, even when she started dating one of my fraternity brothers. I felt really guilty about feeling attraction to anybody for quite a while, since nobody ever reacted well and I was generally very lonely all the time. I realized that saying "I'm sorry, I can't help it" does more harm than good, especially at a school where men and males are painted in a less-than-favorable light!

I was always told that people like compliments. Growing up, I was told that girls like compliments, but it turns out I'm also attracted to guys. :roll: But the strange thing is that I could compliment my male friends or even my lesbian friends, but my other female friends were very uncomfortable with me saying anything complimentary - even when they knew I was in a relationship with another guy at the time!

I'm used to having to apologize, though, especially around my family. Since I had to leave college, I've been kind of a burden on them since I live here and eat their food and drive their cars and use their petrol, but until recently I've had zero income and therefore can't contribute anything in return. I start work this week, I'm told, which is a positive for sure, since I owe my mother about ten tanks of petrol.

Apologizing doesn't usually work with my family or significant others, though, because (family especially) can't just cut me out of their lives. I'm used to losing friends all the time, and my boyfriend of three years broke up with me in November because he didn't like dealing with my AS and was disappointed that I hadn't changed or improved or learned despite me saying I could and would for quite some time. I keep telling myself I can be better, but I am met with resistance every step of the way (or so it seems).

I can't quite seem to draw the line anywhere. At what point does one get tired of apologizing for having AS? I mean, I know it's not my fault, but I have it, and I know it, and I'm clearly not doing enough to cope and fit in and act more normal. That hurts a lot, because all I want is to act normal and be accepted and respected and taken seriously. I've grown rather accustomed to being treated differently, and not necessarily in a good way, and I'm equally accustomed to having to apologize all the time. I probably shouldn't even be complaining to anybody because I don't understand in the first place. I've been told that some people are miserable their whole lives, and if I'm not doing anything about it, I should shut up and deal with it. That makes sense to me, but it's very frustrating not knowing what to do or whom to ask for guidance.

Maybe having AS is my fault. Apparently, I was stubborn to a fault right from birth, where (I'm told) I refused to breathe air properly and was deprived of oxygen briefly. I was put in the neo-natal ICU but released within a day or two and given a clean bill of health. To this day the evidence linking oxygen deprivation and ASDs is shaky at best. And I was joking about having AS being my fault. I wasn't joking about being stubborn, though...:P

I'm terrified of losing the people around me because I push them away so much more effectively than I keep them close. It hurts every time, but I understand. It takes time, but I understand why they'd leave. I've never read anything saying that people with AS can have lots of friends and healthy relationships and social lives - usually it's the opposite, and that seems to confirm what I've always been told about how my life is likely to turn out. It gets hard to justify trying to make friends if I'll just be constantly worried about losing them because I will do or say something wrong and my apologies won't be enough. Friends are one thing, but sustaining a romantic relationship? I live in constant fear of alienating my girlfriend by saying something out of place or wrong, which I do more often than I'd like to admit, and it hurts so much when I do. She's starting not to entirely believe me, even, because for months I've been saying I can learn to act more normal but I don't seem to be making progress.

I hate having to use AS as an excuse, because sooner or later nobody outside my family will even believe I have it. I'm sorry this post turned out to be more like a lengthy, heavily introspective narrative. I can't control my writing. I start fleshing out a thought and I get too detailed - to the point where if I go back and try to trim it down, everything seems just as important as everything else, and I can't delete anything. Sorry if it's convoluted or anything.


_________________
fortreso intelekto

http://nullcoding.deviantart.com - Art
http://ncprime.blogspot.com - Programming