Need to stop taking things personally

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nessa238
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24 Apr 2013, 8:05 am

I try and devalue the person who's said whatever it is that's bothered me in my mind as in, "Who are they? They are not more important than me so their opinion is not more important than my own"

I do take things very personally but I find that logically I can dismiss things as being the result of the other person being ignorant or nasty. I will imagine what if that person thought I was fine, what would it be like being their friend? and I realise that it would involve having to listen to them endlessly judge and cristicise others in an unpleasant way and who on earth would want to be around a person like that?

I still remember all the bad things people have done to and said about me in excrutiating detail but I know that thinking about these things is a form of self-torture and if I feel bad from thinking about it, it's essentially my own fault as I could dismiss it and think about something more pleasant/interesting instead.

I take mental notes of the fact that however perfect a person seems to be, however successful, they will still have problems with other people ie it happens to everyone in some form or another, not just me



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24 Apr 2013, 8:13 am

I tend not to filter and hold back my normal, everyday emotions like other people, so I often appear to be taking things more personally than I actually am. And then, when something does deeply affect me, I withdraw emotionally, so it seems as if I am not bothered. I don't do this on purpose -- it's just that usually my biggest emotion is that of confusion. Fear, anger, sadness all come blazing out of me, but when something doesn't make sense, I'm speechless.



LovingTheAlien
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24 Apr 2013, 9:37 am

Yes, PrncssAlay, but then again, how do you stop holding a grudge?

My point is, that I am looking for a good neurological explanation. People generously pour out all kind of suggestions as to what you can 'just' do or think. But what I would like to know is, how the neurological pathways are arranged.
Is it even possible to modify those thought-patterns or behaviours? Are there neurological pathways that make this possible? And - most importantly - is there a difference in these pathways between autists and non-autists?

Since autists have less well-functioning (pre-)frontal lobes, maybe that can account for the lack of ability to modify behaviour and thought-patterns?

Is there a neurologist present? :-)



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24 Apr 2013, 9:45 am

if you are in a relationship then it is difficult to not take things personally because their reactions and words are directed at you. I don't know how to make most things bounce off me. It would be nice if I knew upfront what they are doing or saying is actually wrong and what I know and feeling is right.



nessa238
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24 Apr 2013, 10:09 am

LovingTheAlien wrote:
Yes, PrncssAlay, but then again, how do you stop holding a grudge?

My point is, that I am looking for a good neurological explanation. People generously pour out all kind of suggestions as to what you can 'just' do or think. But what I would like to know is, how the neurological pathways are arranged.
Is it even possible to modify those thought-patterns or behaviours? Are there neurological pathways that make this possible? And - most importantly - is there a difference in these pathways between autists and non-autists?

Since autists have less well-functioning (pre-)frontal lobes, maybe that can account for the lack of ability to modify behaviour and thought-patterns?

Is there a neurologist present? :-)


I think a lot of it is due to our intense focus on things - we ruminate on things and try to solve them like a problem but there often is no solution so it's wasted brain effort

Then, the fact that you've thought about the same occurrence over and over means it gets committed permanently to memory

The best thing is to dismiss thoughts of the event from your mind and not think about it iver and over, so then it won't become a memory.

I once practiced associating a more pleasant image with a bad event and it worked

I was standing outside the cinema after seeing the Beatrix Potter film 'Miss Potter' with a friend. As I stood there waiting for a taxi, a loud group of yobs walked past on the other side of the road and made insulting comments about me to each other.
I tried to think of a nice image from the film instead of this occurrence and thought of one of the drawings of a rabbit lying by the fireplace. I wasn't able to wipe the bad memory out of my mind but whenever I think about it the image of the rabbit comes into my head as well, so I was able to attach a good memory to a bad one.

If you think about something that happened a number of times after the event, espcially if you have accompanying strong emotions of hurt, anger etc, you will fix the memory in your head, so the less you return to that occurence in your head the better as you are then less likely to commit it to memory.

The Amygdala in the brain stores memories of painful, upsetting things as a form of warning system.



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24 Apr 2013, 12:20 pm

LovingTheAlien wrote:
If someone stabs you in the hand, you can't just tell yourself not to feel pain, and then it won't hurt. It will hurt regardless of whatever you try to tell yourself. So how should emotional pain be any different???


I think the difference is this: When someone stabs you in the hand it's clearly their fault. "What's wrong with you? Why did you stab me?"
When someone verbally attacks many of us blame ourselves. "What's wrong with me?" instead of also putting the blame back on the attacker and realizing it's just a different weapon.
I think the analogy also carries over that if you're physically skilled then you have a better chance of fending off a knife attack, if you're emotionally skilled then you have a better chance of thwarting a verbal attack.



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24 Apr 2013, 12:23 pm

I'm this way too. Also I hate hurting people so I can remember all the times when I hurted someone and sometimes I ruminate it when it's things from like... five years ago ! ! I tend to get told I take things too much to heart. And my strong empathy makes it hard not to feel upset when people around me are upset, even when I know it's not my fault.


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nessa238
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24 Apr 2013, 12:32 pm

Tori0326 wrote:
LovingTheAlien wrote:
If someone stabs you in the hand, you can't just tell yourself not to feel pain, and then it won't hurt. It will hurt regardless of whatever you try to tell yourself. So how should emotional pain be any different???


I think the difference is this: When someone stabs you in the hand it's clearly their fault. "What's wrong with you? Why did you stab me?"
When someone verbally attacks many of us blame ourselves. "What's wrong with me?" instead of also putting the blame back on the attacker and realizing it's just a different weapon.
I think the analogy also carries over that if you're physically skilled then you have a better chance of fending off a knife attack, if you're emotionally skilled then you have a better chance of thwarting a verbal attack.


I think the attack with a weapon analogy is a very good way of looking at it



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24 Apr 2013, 4:40 pm

loner1984 wrote:
Im a bit surprised, if you age is correct you still have this problem.

Maybe everyone doesnt learn to ignore stuff like this.

I was like this, at a certain point, i just didn care anymore. Its actually really important to learn to not care about everything, i might be to much over to the do not care about anyone. but thats another story.

I know i have limited mental energy cant go around wasting it on pointless stuff like this.

I remember i would go around apologizing for everything. It was quite crazy, i see that today.

Maybe its something you can get help to or something, its definitely not viable, because it can lead to all sorts of bad stuff, stress, depression.


In my opinion, not caring is neither a good strategy. At the end, you don't care for anything or anybody, you lose your empathy, you connection with people, you lose your circles and you become alone. Yeap, it hurts less, but, is this a life to live?

At the end of the day, we're living inside a community, surrounded by people. I don't think the solution is not caring about them, but to have confidence in your choices. If you think that what you're doing is right, that's what matters, and nothing else that anybody could say should count. But not because you don't care, but because you made a choice and you go ahead with it. If other people are upset, well, do your best to make it easier, but don't feel guilty.

I think there's a middle point between feeling guilty for everything, and not feeling anything at all.


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24 Apr 2013, 4:46 pm

Greb wrote:
In my opinion, not caring is neither a good strategy. At the end, you don't care for anything or anybody, you lose your empathy,

But not caring about (or at least distancing yourself from) people who intentionally hurt you seems fair enough, don't you agree?



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24 Apr 2013, 4:49 pm

PrncssAlay wrote:
Greb wrote:
In my opinion, not caring is neither a good strategy. At the end, you don't care for anything or anybody, you lose your empathy,

But not caring about (or at least distancing yourself from) people who intentionally hurt you seems fair enough, don't you agree?


Nope. Not caring is not a solution even in this case, because those people will keep hurting you. You must defend yourself, or maybe trying to understand why they act as they do (though sometimes people are just as*holes). But you must do something.


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24 Apr 2013, 4:55 pm

Greb wrote:
PrncssAlay wrote:
Greb wrote:
In my opinion, not caring is neither a good strategy. At the end, you don't care for anything or anybody, you lose your empathy,

But not caring about (or at least distancing yourself from) people who intentionally hurt you seems fair enough, don't you agree?


But you must do something.

Sometimes distancing is the only healthy option. Your first loyalty needs to be toward your own mental health.



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24 Apr 2013, 4:57 pm

nessa238 wrote:
LovingTheAlien wrote:
Yes, PrncssAlay, but then again, how do you stop holding a grudge?

My point is, that I am looking for a good neurological explanation. People generously pour out all kind of suggestions as to what you can 'just' do or think. But what I would like to know is, how the neurological pathways are arranged.
Is it even possible to modify those thought-patterns or behaviours? Are there neurological pathways that make this possible? And - most importantly - is there a difference in these pathways between autists and non-autists?

Since autists have less well-functioning (pre-)frontal lobes, maybe that can account for the lack of ability to modify behaviour and thought-patterns?

Is there a neurologist present? :-)


I think a lot of it is due to our intense focus on things - we ruminate on things and try to solve them like a problem but there often is no solution so it's wasted brain effort

Then, the fact that you've thought about the same occurrence over and over means it gets committed permanently to memory

The best thing is to dismiss thoughts of the event from your mind and not think about it iver and over, so then it won't become a memory.

I once practiced associating a more pleasant image with a bad event and it worked

I was standing outside the cinema after seeing the Beatrix Potter film 'Miss Potter' with a friend. As I stood there waiting for a taxi, a loud group of yobs walked past on the other side of the road and made insulting comments about me to each other.
I tried to think of a nice image from the film instead of this occurrence and thought of one of the drawings of a rabbit lying by the fireplace. I wasn't able to wipe the bad memory out of my mind but whenever I think about it the image of the rabbit comes into my head as well, so I was able to attach a good memory to a bad one.

If you think about something that happened a number of times after the event, espcially if you have accompanying strong emotions of hurt, anger etc, you will fix the memory in your head, so the less you return to that occurence in your head the better as you are then less likely to commit it to memory.

The Amygdala in the brain stores memories of painful, upsetting things as a form of warning system.


That is just heartbreaking. I'm so glad it worked for you. I've read (this is a very simplified version, I can try finding the article if you want) that people with good memories are more prone to anxiety as every painful instance is remembered which makes you cautious/anxious as you subconsciously compare current situations to situations that already occurred that led to unwanted things. So then you have found a way to lessen your anxiety overall.



Last edited by Anomiel on 24 Apr 2013, 5:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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24 Apr 2013, 5:03 pm

PrncssAlay wrote:
Greb wrote:
PrncssAlay wrote:
Greb wrote:
In my opinion, not caring is neither a good strategy. At the end, you don't care for anything or anybody, you lose your empathy,

But not caring about (or at least distancing yourself from) people who intentionally hurt you seems fair enough, don't you agree?


But you must do something.

Sometimes distancing is the only healthy option. Your first loyalty needs to be toward your own mental health.


I think Greb is talking about fighting back instead of distancing but I'm not sure? Both your points are valid.
There are different natural reactions that happen when under stress and different people will have a different default in different situations (the key-word here being "different" :D) - it's the fight/flight/freeze-response, and even though maybe "fighting back" (from any kind of assault) would be preferable in some situation that's not gonna happen if you get one of the other 2 responses and it's not something to be ashamed/shamed of.
That is of course different than making a conscious decision to react in a certain way, beforehand, but not everyone is comfortable using the same strategy then either.

Funnily enough I just found this quote while searching for another quote by the same person and think it applies:
Quote:
I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.
- Elie Wiesel



Last edited by Anomiel on 24 Apr 2013, 5:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

nessa238
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24 Apr 2013, 5:28 pm

Anomiel wrote:
nessa238 wrote:
LovingTheAlien wrote:
Yes, PrncssAlay, but then again, how do you stop holding a grudge?

My point is, that I am looking for a good neurological explanation. People generously pour out all kind of suggestions as to what you can 'just' do or think. But what I would like to know is, how the neurological pathways are arranged.
Is it even possible to modify those thought-patterns or behaviours? Are there neurological pathways that make this possible? And - most importantly - is there a difference in these pathways between autists and non-autists?

Since autists have less well-functioning (pre-)frontal lobes, maybe that can account for the lack of ability to modify behaviour and thought-patterns?

Is there a neurologist present? :-)


I think a lot of it is due to our intense focus on things - we ruminate on things and try to solve them like a problem but there often is no solution so it's wasted brain effort

Then, the fact that you've thought about the same occurrence over and over means it gets committed permanently to memory

The best thing is to dismiss thoughts of the event from your mind and not think about it iver and over, so then it won't become a memory.

I once practiced associating a more pleasant image with a bad event and it worked

I was standing outside the cinema after seeing the Beatrix Potter film 'Miss Potter' with a friend. As I stood there waiting for a taxi, a loud group of yobs walked past on the other side of the road and made insulting comments about me to each other.
I tried to think of a nice image from the film instead of this occurrence and thought of one of the drawings of a rabbit lying by the fireplace. I wasn't able to wipe the bad memory out of my mind but whenever I think about it the image of the rabbit comes into my head as well, so I was able to attach a good memory to a bad one.

If you think about something that happened a number of times after the event, espcially if you have accompanying strong emotions of hurt, anger etc, you will fix the memory in your head, so the less you return to that occurence in your head the better as you are then less likely to commit it to memory.

The Amygdala in the brain stores memories of painful, upsetting things as a form of warning system.


That is just heartbreaking. I'm so glad it worked for you. I've read (this is a very simplified version, I can try finding the article if you want) that people with good memories are more prone to anxiety as every painful instance is remembered which makes you cautious/anxious as you subconsciously compare current situations to situations that already occurred that led to unwanted things. So then you have found a way to lessen your anxiety overall.


I would say I have a terrible memory generally, I just have excellent recall of every negative experience with other people!
I think these events are stored in a different part of the brain to general information. I can watch a film I've seen before and it's like a new film as I don't remember most of it and I frequently forget stuff people say they've already told me once, so my working memory is terrible!

I find my anti-depressant medication makes it easier for me to dismiss things from my mind and the long term use of them is probably what's made my memory so bad generally. So I forget the good stuff and most general stuff and just remember the bad things! lol

I generally think the Bhuddist saying 'Life is suffering' is very accurate - if you bear that in mind it makes bad stuff seem normal ie you don't feel hard done to about it as to expect life to be wonderful all the time is unrealistic and also, compared to the suffering other people endure, mine is not so bad.



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24 Apr 2013, 5:35 pm

nessa238 wrote:
Anomiel wrote:
nessa238 wrote:
LovingTheAlien wrote:
Yes, PrncssAlay, but then again, how do you stop holding a grudge?

My point is, that I am looking for a good neurological explanation. People generously pour out all kind of suggestions as to what you can 'just' do or think. But what I would like to know is, how the neurological pathways are arranged.
Is it even possible to modify those thought-patterns or behaviours? Are there neurological pathways that make this possible? And - most importantly - is there a difference in these pathways between autists and non-autists?

Since autists have less well-functioning (pre-)frontal lobes, maybe that can account for the lack of ability to modify behaviour and thought-patterns?

Is there a neurologist present? :-)


I think a lot of it is due to our intense focus on things - we ruminate on things and try to solve them like a problem but there often is no solution so it's wasted brain effort

Then, the fact that you've thought about the same occurrence over and over means it gets committed permanently to memory

The best thing is to dismiss thoughts of the event from your mind and not think about it iver and over, so then it won't become a memory.

I once practiced associating a more pleasant image with a bad event and it worked

I was standing outside the cinema after seeing the Beatrix Potter film 'Miss Potter' with a friend. As I stood there waiting for a taxi, a loud group of yobs walked past on the other side of the road and made insulting comments about me to each other.
I tried to think of a nice image from the film instead of this occurrence and thought of one of the drawings of a rabbit lying by the fireplace. I wasn't able to wipe the bad memory out of my mind but whenever I think about it the image of the rabbit comes into my head as well, so I was able to attach a good memory to a bad one.

If you think about something that happened a number of times after the event, espcially if you have accompanying strong emotions of hurt, anger etc, you will fix the memory in your head, so the less you return to that occurence in your head the better as you are then less likely to commit it to memory.

The Amygdala in the brain stores memories of painful, upsetting things as a form of warning system.


That is just heartbreaking. I'm so glad it worked for you. I've read (this is a very simplified version, I can try finding the article if you want) that people with good memories are more prone to anxiety as every painful instance is remembered which makes you cautious/anxious as you subconsciously compare current situations to situations that already occurred that led to unwanted things. So then you have found a way to lessen your anxiety overall.


I would say I have a terrible memory generally, I just have excellent recall of every negative experience with other people!
I think these events are stored in a different part of the brain to general information. I can watch a film I've seen before and it's like a new film as I don't remember most of it and I frequently forget stuff people say they've already told me once, so my working memory is terrible!

I find my anti-depressant medication makes it easier for me to dismiss things from my mind and the long term use fo them is probably what's made my memory so bad generally. So I forget the good stuff and most general stuff and just remember the bad things! lol

I generally think the Bhuddist saying 'Life is suffering' is very accurate - if you bear that in mind it makes bad stuff seem normal ie you don't feel hard done to about it as to expect life to be wonderful all the time is unrealistic and also, compared to the suffering other people endure, mine is not so bad.


I assumed that you have good memory as how you described that event and how you think about from time to time was very clear. Then it sounds like PTSD, being haunted by things. Though I'm just pointing out the similarities. There's some curious things that happen in the brain when you have PTSD related to memory and the amygdala and all that but you probably already know it. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181836/