Need to stop taking things personally

Page 2 of 3 [ 37 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3  Next

Anomiel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Dec 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,023

24 Apr 2013, 5:35 pm

nessa238 wrote:
Anomiel wrote:
nessa238 wrote:
LovingTheAlien wrote:
Yes, PrncssAlay, but then again, how do you stop holding a grudge?

My point is, that I am looking for a good neurological explanation. People generously pour out all kind of suggestions as to what you can 'just' do or think. But what I would like to know is, how the neurological pathways are arranged.
Is it even possible to modify those thought-patterns or behaviours? Are there neurological pathways that make this possible? And - most importantly - is there a difference in these pathways between autists and non-autists?

Since autists have less well-functioning (pre-)frontal lobes, maybe that can account for the lack of ability to modify behaviour and thought-patterns?

Is there a neurologist present? :-)


I think a lot of it is due to our intense focus on things - we ruminate on things and try to solve them like a problem but there often is no solution so it's wasted brain effort

Then, the fact that you've thought about the same occurrence over and over means it gets committed permanently to memory

The best thing is to dismiss thoughts of the event from your mind and not think about it iver and over, so then it won't become a memory.

I once practiced associating a more pleasant image with a bad event and it worked

I was standing outside the cinema after seeing the Beatrix Potter film 'Miss Potter' with a friend. As I stood there waiting for a taxi, a loud group of yobs walked past on the other side of the road and made insulting comments about me to each other.
I tried to think of a nice image from the film instead of this occurrence and thought of one of the drawings of a rabbit lying by the fireplace. I wasn't able to wipe the bad memory out of my mind but whenever I think about it the image of the rabbit comes into my head as well, so I was able to attach a good memory to a bad one.

If you think about something that happened a number of times after the event, espcially if you have accompanying strong emotions of hurt, anger etc, you will fix the memory in your head, so the less you return to that occurence in your head the better as you are then less likely to commit it to memory.

The Amygdala in the brain stores memories of painful, upsetting things as a form of warning system.


That is just heartbreaking. I'm so glad it worked for you. I've read (this is a very simplified version, I can try finding the article if you want) that people with good memories are more prone to anxiety as every painful instance is remembered which makes you cautious/anxious as you subconsciously compare current situations to situations that already occurred that led to unwanted things. So then you have found a way to lessen your anxiety overall.


I would say I have a terrible memory generally, I just have excellent recall of every negative experience with other people!
I think these events are stored in a different part of the brain to general information. I can watch a film I've seen before and it's like a new film as I don't remember most of it and I frequently forget stuff people say they've already told me once, so my working memory is terrible!

I find my anti-depressant medication makes it easier for me to dismiss things from my mind and the long term use fo them is probably what's made my memory so bad generally. So I forget the good stuff and most general stuff and just remember the bad things! lol

I generally think the Bhuddist saying 'Life is suffering' is very accurate - if you bear that in mind it makes bad stuff seem normal ie you don't feel hard done to about it as to expect life to be wonderful all the time is unrealistic and also, compared to the suffering other people endure, mine is not so bad.


I assumed that you have good memory as how you described that event and how you think about from time to time was very clear. Then it sounds like PTSD, being haunted by things. Though I'm just pointing out the similarities. There's some curious things that happen in the brain when you have PTSD related to memory and the amygdala and all that but you probably already know it. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181836/



nessa238
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jul 2011
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,908
Location: UK

24 Apr 2013, 5:51 pm

Anomiel wrote:
nessa238 wrote:
Anomiel wrote:
nessa238 wrote:
LovingTheAlien wrote:
Yes, PrncssAlay, but then again, how do you stop holding a grudge?

My point is, that I am looking for a good neurological explanation. People generously pour out all kind of suggestions as to what you can 'just' do or think. But what I would like to know is, how the neurological pathways are arranged.
Is it even possible to modify those thought-patterns or behaviours? Are there neurological pathways that make this possible? And - most importantly - is there a difference in these pathways between autists and non-autists?

Since autists have less well-functioning (pre-)frontal lobes, maybe that can account for the lack of ability to modify behaviour and thought-patterns?

Is there a neurologist present? :-)


I think a lot of it is due to our intense focus on things - we ruminate on things and try to solve them like a problem but there often is no solution so it's wasted brain effort

Then, the fact that you've thought about the same occurrence over and over means it gets committed permanently to memory

The best thing is to dismiss thoughts of the event from your mind and not think about it iver and over, so then it won't become a memory.

I once practiced associating a more pleasant image with a bad event and it worked

I was standing outside the cinema after seeing the Beatrix Potter film 'Miss Potter' with a friend. As I stood there waiting for a taxi, a loud group of yobs walked past on the other side of the road and made insulting comments about me to each other.
I tried to think of a nice image from the film instead of this occurrence and thought of one of the drawings of a rabbit lying by the fireplace. I wasn't able to wipe the bad memory out of my mind but whenever I think about it the image of the rabbit comes into my head as well, so I was able to attach a good memory to a bad one.

If you think about something that happened a number of times after the event, espcially if you have accompanying strong emotions of hurt, anger etc, you will fix the memory in your head, so the less you return to that occurence in your head the better as you are then less likely to commit it to memory.

The Amygdala in the brain stores memories of painful, upsetting things as a form of warning system.


That is just heartbreaking. I'm so glad it worked for you. I've read (this is a very simplified version, I can try finding the article if you want) that people with good memories are more prone to anxiety as every painful instance is remembered which makes you cautious/anxious as you subconsciously compare current situations to situations that already occurred that led to unwanted things. So then you have found a way to lessen your anxiety overall.


I would say I have a terrible memory generally, I just have excellent recall of every negative experience with other people!
I think these events are stored in a different part of the brain to general information. I can watch a film I've seen before and it's like a new film as I don't remember most of it and I frequently forget stuff people say they've already told me once, so my working memory is terrible!

I find my anti-depressant medication makes it easier for me to dismiss things from my mind and the long term use fo them is probably what's made my memory so bad generally. So I forget the good stuff and most general stuff and just remember the bad things! lol

I generally think the Bhuddist saying 'Life is suffering' is very accurate - if you bear that in mind it makes bad stuff seem normal ie you don't feel hard done to about it as to expect life to be wonderful all the time is unrealistic and also, compared to the suffering other people endure, mine is not so bad.


I assumed that you have good memory as how you described that event and how you think about from time to time was very clear. Then it sounds like PTSD, being haunted by things. Though I'm just pointing out the similarities. There's some curious things that happen in the brain when you have PTSD related to memory and the amygdala and all that but you probably already know it. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181836/


I know it's all linked. I find that a negative memory will just pop into my head unbidden and then if I'm in a low mood if I'm not careful one after another can start coming - that would be a warning sign of a depressed mood as in deep depression it's just constant negative memories flooding in. My amygdala is definitely overactive and seems to want to warn me to stay away from people by sending all the negative memories associated with them (and there's plenty!) I don't seem to store positvie memories at all and I don't see the point in reliving a positive memory to be honest - it isn't happening - it's just a remembrance of something that's gone - I would see that as a sad thing, not good really.

When I was a child, in prmary school, I had an accident whereby I was running down a steep hill and couldn't stop myself as running too fast. It resulted in me hitting a path halfway down and knocking myself out. I had concussion but no serious injury and stayed several days in hospital. I sometimes wonder if there was some damage done to my brain as I remember when 2 friends came to visit me with presents when I was recouperating in bed at home, I thought to myself "I should be feeling really happy now, with getting these presents, so why don't I?" and another time I told my Mother that I felt different. So perhaps something was affected in my head but not enough to be that noticeable?



Jensen
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Feb 2013
Age: 70
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,013
Location: Denmark

24 Apr 2013, 6:04 pm

Scubasgirl wrote:
I have a tendency to internalize everything that happens to me as being my fault and/or responsibility. The stress eats at me. I know that for the sake of my own health, I need to separate myself from others' opinions. It is easier said than done however. Does anyone have any strategies that have worked for them to stop taking things personally and to heart? (This especially a problem for me at work. I get stressed out by department issues that are really not JUST my issue. When friends/family get upset with me for being my self, I get so worked up that I am on the verge of being suicidal.)


Actually, I am kind of releaved to read, that I am not the only one.


_________________
Femaline
Special Interest: Beethoven


Anomiel
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Dec 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,023

24 Apr 2013, 6:05 pm

nessa238 wrote:
I don't seem to store positvie memories at all


Memories are wonderful. This is what Roger Ebert said when he got cancer and lost his ability to talk (and more) and couldn't live the life he used to.

http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2013/04/05/rip-roger-ebert-life-itself/ wrote:
One of the rewards of growing old is that you can truthfully say you lived in the past. … In these years after my illness, when I can no longer speak and am set aside from the daily flow, I live more in my memory and discover that a great many things are safely stored away. It all seems still to be in there somewhere. … You find a moment from your past, undisturbed ever since, still vivid, surprising you. In high school I fell under the spell of Thomas Wolfe: ‘A stone, a leaf, an unfound door; of a stone, a leaf, a door. And of all the forgotten faces.’ Now I feel all the faces returning to memory.

[…]

I remember everything. All my life I’ve been visited by unexpected flashes of memory unrelated to anything taking place at the moment. These retrieved moments I consider and replace on the shelf. When I began writing this book, memories came flooding to the surface, not because of any conscious effort but simply in the stream of writing. I started in a direction and the memories were waiting there, sometimes of things I hadn’t consciously thought about since.



nessa238
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jul 2011
Age: 58
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,908
Location: UK

24 Apr 2013, 6:30 pm

Anomiel wrote:
nessa238 wrote:
I don't seem to store positvie memories at all


Memories are wonderful. This is what Roger Ebert said when he got cancer and lost his ability to talk (and more) and couldn't live the life he used to.

http://www.brainpickings.org/index.php/2013/04/05/rip-roger-ebert-life-itself/ wrote:
One of the rewards of growing old is that you can truthfully say you lived in the past. … In these years after my illness, when I can no longer speak and am set aside from the daily flow, I live more in my memory and discover that a great many things are safely stored away. It all seems still to be in there somewhere. … You find a moment from your past, undisturbed ever since, still vivid, surprising you. In high school I fell under the spell of Thomas Wolfe: ‘A stone, a leaf, an unfound door; of a stone, a leaf, a door. And of all the forgotten faces.’ Now I feel all the faces returning to memory.

[…]

I remember everything. All my life I’ve been visited by unexpected flashes of memory unrelated to anything taking place at the moment. These retrieved moments I consider and replace on the shelf. When I began writing this book, memories came flooding to the surface, not because of any conscious effort but simply in the stream of writing. I started in a direction and the memories were waiting there, sometimes of things I hadn’t consciously thought about since.


I function mainly in present time. My memories are hazy at best, if they exist at all, and mainly of negative/strongly emotional things. I have some happy ones but they aren't very long or detailed and I see no point in thinking about them a lot. I could never live in memory - I need input from outside myself to be happy. I will just read a lot more books when I get older.



Greb
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 May 2012
Age: 52
Gender: Male
Posts: 964
Location: Under the sea [level]

25 Apr 2013, 2:01 am

Anomiel wrote:
PrncssAlay wrote:
Greb wrote:
PrncssAlay wrote:
Greb wrote:
In my opinion, not caring is neither a good strategy. At the end, you don't care for anything or anybody, you lose your empathy,

But not caring about (or at least distancing yourself from) people who intentionally hurt you seems fair enough, don't you agree?


But you must do something.

Sometimes distancing is the only healthy option. Your first loyalty needs to be toward your own mental health.


I think Greb is talking about fighting back instead of distancing but I'm not sure? Both your points are valid.
There are different natural reactions that happen when under stress and different people will have a different default in different situations (the key-word here being "different" :D) - it's the fight/flight/freeze-response, and even though maybe "fighting back" (from any kind of assault) would be preferable in some situation that's not gonna happen if you get one of the other 2 responses and it's not something to be ashamed/shamed of.
That is of course different than making a conscious decision to react in a certain way, beforehand, but not everyone is comfortable using the same strategy then either.

Funnily enough I just found this quote while searching for another quote by the same person and think it applies:
Quote:
I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.
- Elie Wiesel


Yeap, this is what I wanted to say.

In my experience, when somebody is hurting, there's two possibilities:

(1) It's a punctual thing, a bored as*hole. That case, it doesn't deserve the effort. Just a quick gaze full of contempt and that's all.
(2) It's a dangerous situation (socially speaking), since it can become usual bullying or it can hurt your social image. That case, you must fight it back.


_________________
1 part of Asperger | 1 part of OCD | 2 parts of ADHD / APD / GT-LD / 2e
And finally, another part of secret spices :^)


Scubasgirl
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 27 Feb 2012
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 42

30 Apr 2013, 11:39 am

How do you quote people on here and show it in a square like that? I haven't quite figured out everything on this forum.

Yes, loner1984, my age is correct. However, I don't find age to be a very good indication of where I "should be". I think for the first 28 years of my life, I was comparing myself to where NT society said that I should be emotionally and socially and economically. It is pretty clear to me that that doesn't work and, generally, comparing yourself to others doesn't seem to work for most NT's either. Money isn't happiness, etc. Really, the reason why I was seeking answers and realized I'm on the spectrum is that I've never fit into the mold emotionally like I'm "supposed to". Clearly looking at the ages of other people who this post resonated with, taking things personally is not an age-related issue. If you have found a way to let things slip off of you in a healthy way though, then I am happy for you.

I struggle a lot at work with this. Therefore, it's not so much a matter of people thinking "you need to show more facial expressions and come to our work gatherings". That does not bug me. I get that they do not quite get why I am how I am and while I get sick of being misunderstood, I have an easier time telling myself that they just DON'T get it and won't.

I DO have trouble accepting that when someone is stressed out about circumstances in our department at work that I was directly involved with that it IS not about me. My work is me in my mind. Their frustration and stress feels like a direct reflection on me and if people knew to tell me when it was and was not, that might help, but it is generally seen as my issue that I do not automatically differentiate what should and should not upset me.

I also have trouble saying no because of this. No, I can not work more hours because I the stress will break me. People have this expectation that I can just keep stretching and stretching and stretching and when I say no they seem frustrated and I have trouble not feeling like that is a reflection on me. With much reflection, I know that I simply HAVE to say no to things that I can not handle and that regardless of whether I perceive them as feeling a certain way--and I may very well be wrong as I often am--and that they'll just have to take their thoughts and go deal with them, I guess.

Stress at work has lead to meltdowns at work. I am certainly too old to have these and I worry that they could cost me my job despite me being good at it.