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Kaufmancab51
Pileated woodpecker
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Joined: 2 Sep 2008
Age: 31
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Location: Rochester, New York

28 Apr 2013, 2:02 am

In the huge cloud of unsuccessful smoke, there's got to be a bunch of people who have had success in the dating realm. With all the negativity that people put on themselves (being stubborn or other "reasons"), has anyone truly found success finding someone? And if so, how did things play out? That is, what lead to the two of you coming together and starting a relationship?

I'm tired of reading about people who are close to giving up (myself included). I want to read some positive outcomes and how they happened.


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cinbad
Deinonychus
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28 Apr 2013, 2:38 am

This may help you to discern the difference between the relationships of aspie to aspie. Just because you find someone who is aspie doesn't mean it will work. The key here is to like yourself and find someone who likes the aspie in them.

I met someone who I knew was like myself. We were together on and off for almost a year and a half. It was because of him that I found out what made me feel different from everybody else. I found some literature on his table one day and saw the aspie alien. I was curious so I Googled it and found this forum. I read so much about it, then took the tests just to see. It confirmed what I had been thinking for my entire life. It was liberating. He was so much more aspie than I was and I tried to talk to him about it, but he was ashamed of it. He denied it and he didn't like it either. He drank a lot and I feel it is because the alcohol makes him relax and feel "normal". I know a lot of aspies do this. Mind you, I loved him. I wanted to become so much closer. But his shame and fear (maybe emotional immaturity) kept us from getting any closer. Hating yourself, prevents anyone from loving you as anyone with maturity knows. I wish I could thank him for helping me to find out who I really am, but he made me so uncomfortable, talking to him would send me into overload.

Moving on. Almost a year after the last time I have seen him in person, I miraculously met someone else who has asperger's. The difference is, he likes this about himself. Not only that, I recognized it in just his profile. It was our first conversation. We compared our quirks and laughed about them. It was so funny, because we match... We have the same quirkiness. There is no telling where this will go, but I have more hope with him than I ever had with the first one. We point out when we are being aspie and respect each other. The chances of us finding each other was so miniscule, we treasure the fate that brought us together.

Now I am not saying you have to find someone exactly like you. But be sure she likes who she is and first you have to like who you are. This is not just an NT rule, it is a life rule. No one can love you unless you love yourself.


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My whole life has been an exercise in original thinking. While I was looking in vain for the answers in books, I found them within myself.


billiscool
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28 Apr 2013, 2:39 am

yeah, I have before. Had gf once, she asked me out, and she ask if I want to have sex with her.
and it was all good. I am 30 year old and had only one sex partner, yippie doo.



MakeItRight
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28 Apr 2013, 5:27 am

I'm mixed on the matter. I'm still young and have been in a relationship for a while, but things have been far from neurotypical between us (also, neither of us identifies as NT.) Would it be easier if I was NT? Most likely, yes. Most likely things would be completely different and we'd never even met - deliberating this point is moot.

People don't come here unless they've got a problem and need help; you're right. Coming here can give birth to a gloomy view of interpersonal relationships because for most people there's no reason to post unless they want something.

I have most of the social antennae that I need in order to engage in social contact, but I have a difficult time finding that platonic sweet spot between 'I can be loved' and 'I love and trust you'. I've been successful in just going out and indulging myself in the night life, but I've never felt the need to go after girls just for sex.



boywonder
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28 Apr 2013, 5:54 am

The times I met someone I was very fit and healthy. Good body and a happy and fit outlook.
The times when things then fell apart, were the times after the 'honeymoon phase' and I stopped being fit and healthy, due to the wrestling, that emerges, after the 3 months of hot sex wanes
So, being fit and healthy again will be when I will find love again...... I have no doubt
The question I have to ask myself is: when I find love again, what will I do with it? Repeat the pattern? or mature as an emotional being, and learn from my mistakes?

In the past I did not know I was autistic, so in the future I may be better prepared to wrestle, or be allowed to sidestep the wrestling altogether if I cry- 'I have an autism spectrum disorder! please dont wrestle with me!'

My biggest success's were when getting drunk with backpacker girls, and whilst their moms were half way around the world



EMTkid
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28 Apr 2013, 10:06 am

I have posted my story on here a million times but if it keeps one person from giving up on finding someone I will post it again. Sill reeling from a seriously ill-conceived marriage to a violent lunatic that left me a single mother, I made friends with a guy who worked for the ambulance service the next county over. He had gone through a bad divorce himself, and was in a terribly unhealthy relationship and he became my closest friend. I never once pretended I was normal, in fact, our first conversation involved me apologizing for almost spiking his coffee with lasix (a powerful diauretic... I thought it was the doctor's coffee and I owed him a good prank). For a solid week, we texted nothing back and forth except movie lines from Tombstone. Our first date was to see the midnight showing or X-Men First Class. On our honeymoon we went to see The Avengers. The first birthday I had after we got together, he got me the Star Trek Cadet Manuel and a knife we had seen on Deadliest Warrior. I told him all about my weirdness, my obsessions and if he didn't actually understand, he just went with it. Still does.

I had had feelings for him for quite a while but was too scared to say anything. I sucked at relationships. If I messed this one up, then I would lose my closest friend. But When he finally admitted his feelings for me, there was no way I could push him away. That was over 2 years ago. We are approaching our first wedding anniversary. And he still changes the channel from the baseball game so I can watch hockey or that I don't miss Bones. He gives me his sunglasses when I forget mine. And he tracks down obscure movies that I love like Final Impact, and doesn't mind that I prefer carpenter jeans and t-shirts to more "feminine" clothes.

So for my experience, I would say that finding the right person technically has the same odds as for an NT. We are just lucky because we don't have to deal with as many potential failures, as more of the wrong people aren't as interested. I always said if I guy wasn't interested in me in my Wranglers and cap, he didn't need to see me dressed in anything better. Don't try to pretend you are someone you aren't. Eventually you will find the one whole cares for you as you are, and you will be much happier than if you are trying to keep up an appearance for someone.