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Taro
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02 May 2013, 3:20 pm

Hi,


Firstly I mean no disrespect. I care very much for this individual but our relationship is making me unhappy. I want to better understand him because right now I don't and that is making me really sad. I am his first girlfriend. I should also mention that several months ago before we started dating I mentioned to him that I thought he had HFA. I made him take an online test which I myself had previously taken . He told me that he scored fairly low. I however got the second highest score.

So my boyfriend of 3 months is known for being "weird". I guess by that people are referring to his social awkwardness. He is very sweet and sincere like a child and somewhat immature at times. He is almost incapable of lying and manipulating. I believe he has tried to lie in the past but he really doesn't know how. He would prefer to avoid the topic all together than to have to get into a discussion with you and then have to lie about something. His family refer to him as "an emotional void" since he has problems with empathy. He is extremely loyal to people and doesn't hold a grudge even when someone has been a real jerk to him. He does not seem to have any temper issues (that I've witnessed) however, he does occasionally have panic attacks (very few). He does not give out compliments. I heard him compliment a girl's shirt once and he did the same for me once. This is in the year that I've known him. Compare this to my constant complimenting of him. He is also very blunt and often says things that I consider to be rude or hurtful. He doesn't do this intentionally though and usually he is very sorry afterwards. He gets bored very easily and is constantly zoning out. He also always seems to be sleepy and will either have very little sleep or too much sleep. He also likes to take naps. I usually have to initiate everything (contacting him, making plans etc.).

He was in some special class in elementary school and officially has a learning disorder (don't have more details then that). This learning disorder makes it hard for him to read and write and he hates doing those things. He is also a horrible speller and his memory is extremely poor. He also has a tendency to take things literally. He does fidget at times. There's a knee shake that he does and other times he will repeatedly poke me in the belly or something similar. He is very clumsy and usually spills food on himself or has accidents.

He grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family and was physically and verbally abused until the age of 7. I mention this because I'm not sure if that is a possible reason for some of his traits.

He doesn't have any touch issues (unless he's been hiding it from me) and he doesn't have any issues with food. I wouldn't say he's an expert on any topic but he does like computers and video games a lot. He works as an IT manager. He is polite and social when he has to be and he has friends he just doesn't really have any close friends or I guess what the average person would consider to be a close friend. Some of his friends like to go night clubbing and over the years he has gone with them and seems to like it (he likes the sh***y music they play and doesn't mind dancing). I on the other hand hate that sort of thing for numerous reasons. So at times I think, ya he's definitely on the autistic spectrum and at other times I think no I'm totally wrong.


Any thoughts on this would be helpful and very much appreciated.

Thank you



aspiemike
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02 May 2013, 4:12 pm

Possible diagnosis symptoms may include if you ask some therapist professional which isn't me btw.

Aspergers/Autism or other communication problems.
-my boyfriend of 3 months is known for being "weird". I guess by that people are referring to his social awkwardness.
-He is very sweet and sincere like a child and somewhat immature at times.
-He is almost incapable of lying and manipulating.
-His family refer to him as "an emotional void" since he has problems with empathy.
-He is extremely loyal to people and doesn't hold a grudge even when someone has been a real jerk to him.
-He does not give out compliments. I heard him compliment a girl's shirt once and he did the same for me once. him. Compare this to my constant complimenting of him.
-He is also very blunt and often says things that I consider to be rude or hurtful. He doesn't do this intentionally though and usually he is very sorry afterwards.
-He gets bored very easily and is constantly zoning out.
-He also has a tendency to take things literally

Nutrition or fitness issues
-He also always seems to be sleepy and will either have very little sleep or too much sleep. He also likes to take naps. I usually have to initiate everything (contacting him, making plans etc.).

Anxiety issues
-He does not seem to have any temper issues (that I've witnessed) however, he does occasionally have panic attacks (very few).


Possible Dyslexia and maybe Autism?
-This learning disorder makes it hard for him to read and write and he hates doing those things. He is also a horrible speller and his memory is extremely poor. He does fidget at times. There's a knee shake that he does and other times he will repeatedly poke me in the belly or something similar. He is very clumsy and usually spills food on himself or has accidents.

Possible unhealthy Narcissism traits, not HFA.
-He grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family and was physically and verbally abused until the age of 7. I mention this because I'm not sure if that is a possible reason for some of his traits.

The last paragraph is about what he enjoys to do. He at least knows how to enjoy himself as well. I will ask if he is easy to manipulate however? People who are easier to manipulate tend to feel the most drained based on my experience of seeing it and how easy it was to manipulate me growing up.



alakazaam
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02 May 2013, 4:25 pm

Does he follow rituals or routines that he sticks to and does he get frustrates if those routines get interrupted?



Taro
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02 May 2013, 4:30 pm

Hi,

Yes he is very easily manipulated. I have witnessed people pretend to be his friend but they were just using him. His sisters are extremely manipulative of him too and bullied he him as a child. He is often too submissive/polite with people. Even at work I've seen on three occasions people below him snapping and even shouting at him. He remains calm usually because he is oblivious. Someone has to point out to him that the way those people were speaking to him is rude.

I don't think he's a narcissist. My ex husband was, big time and they are polar opposites. In fact my ex used to bully him too. We all worked together.



Taro
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02 May 2013, 4:32 pm

I haven't noticed any routines. He has subway almost everyday for lunch and now he's hooked on booster juice. But I think those are maybe just a result of him feeling sensitive about his weight.



aspiemike
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02 May 2013, 4:35 pm

Taro wrote:
Hi,

Yes he is very easily manipulated. I have witnessed people pretend to be his friend but they were just using him. His sisters are extremely manipulative of him too and bullied he him as a child. He is often too submissive/polite with people. Even at work I've seen on three occasions people below him snapping and even shouting at him. He remains calm usually because he is oblivious. Someone has to point out to him that the way those people were speaking to him is rude.

I don't think he's a narcissist. My ex husband was, big time and they are polar opposites. In fact my ex used to bully him too. We all worked together.


The manipulation and understanding what it is I believe would be the most important thing for him to overcome.



BuyerBeware
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02 May 2013, 4:47 pm

I'm sorry to say this-- sorry to believe it-- but I don't think caring for him really matters.

Neither does the diagnosis, if he's not interested in exploring it or accepting it (though yeah, sounds about right).

The only thing you need to know is that the relationship is making you unhappy.

That isn't going to get better with time-- trust me. Fifteen years and four kids, and all it has done is get worse. For my husband and me both. There is love. We care for each other, deeply. There is not a functional or happy marriage. I think now all that's left is the waiting game-- are we going to be able to tolerate each other for 17 more years until the last of the kids turns 18, or will it come to a parting of the ways before then???

Don't put yourselves through that.

Outline-- very specifically-- the things about the relationship that are making you unhappy. Talk to him. Don't pull punches for fear of hurting his feelings-- it will only hurt worse later.

Decide, between you, if those things are going to be worked out or not. If it's "not," end the relationship. If those things are going to be worked out, decide how you want them to be worked out. Then both of you have to decide whether you can live with that or not. If the answer is "not," end the relationship.

Use a cynical eye, if you can come up with one between you. Hope, faith, and optimism are not your friends in this process.

Sorry to be that way-- hard experience talking.


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"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"


Taro
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02 May 2013, 4:51 pm

I always try to point these things out to him and in regards to his sisters I think he is more aware of when he is being used/manipulated by them.

My original reason for posting and wanting to know if he has something in the autistic spectrum is because of how he is with me. I want to be with this person but I am constantly wondering if they care about me. The last month or so he has become increasingly distant. When we first started dating he was clingy to the extreme. He had to see me every day. I figured it was just because I'm his first Girlfriend.

But now he sometimes ignores my texts and pretty much ignores me on Facebook. I know sometimes he gets confused about when to reply to a message but lately the FB messages have been ones that obviously need replies.

I came here because other people I've talked to think he's an idiot or a jerk or that I'm overwhelming him. I don't want to confront him and be like "So do you want out of this relationship?" If that's not the reason for his odd behaviour. I found some posts on other forums of women in a very similar situation to mine only difference being that their BFs were diagnosed.



Taro
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02 May 2013, 4:58 pm

BuyerBeware,

Thanks. I know you are right about a lot. I mean I left a bad marriage November so definitely don't want to get stuck in a relationship like that one again. I do tell him honestly when stuff bugs me and he has in the past also told me to do this. In a lot of ways I'm extra cautious due to the fresh memory of my douche bag ex husband.

I have wondered since the beginning how far could this go? I'm a very sensitive person and I have had bad relationships in the past. In a lot of ways I'm less resilient then I used to be.



fifty50t
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03 May 2013, 12:28 am

I've been closely involved with a man online who has HFA, and I wanted to make a couple of comments.

The man I'm referring to can't talk about feelings directly, and he can't express empathy in words like an NT does. Verbally, he is very quiet and doesn't like talking much. It would be easy to think he has no feelings, no care, nor empathy. However he somehow learned to communicate with me obliquely, via other mediums such as music, song Lyrics, videos, and scenes from movies. Once he realised I understood him , he really opened up. He has an encyclopedic knowledge of music and cinema, which helps him communicate so well in this medium. Its been like learning a new and intensely rich language....he thinks and feels in layers, and sometimes when he shows me some cinema to express his feelings, it will be full of multiple layers of meaning, all of which he intends to convey. I've come to understand him as someone full of feeling, capable fo expressing empathy, and full of desire for communication. Like many people on the spectrum, he's an extremely brilliant and creative man too.

The downside though is he's got a mean edge to his nature. He can be brutally controlling. I think sometimes he's been so lonely, that now he found someone to really hear him, he wants me totally in his power so I can never get away. That's something I have to really be cautious about around him...he's a good controller. But we're friends online so he can't take this too far thankfully.

Anyway, what I really meant to convey is that I do agree when people say that HFA does not equal lack of feelings, care, or emotion. Its just the vehicle for expressing these things is hard for them to find.