My best friend is in love with me

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AnniPierrot
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07 May 2013, 3:56 pm

My best friend is an Aspie as well.
We talk from the second both of us are awake to when one of us has to go to bed.
He's always the first person I go to whenever something happens, good or bad.
I'm the only person who motivates him and makes him eat (he's anorexic).
When I get meltdowns/panic attacks he stays on the phone with me until I calm down.
I do the same for him.
We both feel little to no empathy for people, yet we do for each other perfectly.
It's fair to say we are inseparable and we have a special bond.

He's always told me he didn't find me attractive and he would never love me.
I was fine with it, because I don't love him and I didn't care about what he thought of my appearance either.
Yesterday he told me he loved me, and he did find me attractive.
I was upset that he lied because I hate liars.
But I understand he wouldn't have lied to me unless he absolutely had to.
In this case he didn't want to lose me so he lied and stayed friends with me.

I don't know what to do, I am unable to process what's happening.
He is the nicest, most understanding and caring person I know.
I'll never find anyone better.
I like him but I'm not sure I like him more than a friend and I certainly don't love him.
He said it's fine if I didn't love him, he'll just restrain himself.
I feel so guilty, because he's been so caring, understanding. protective and supportive.
I just never saw him like that, either as my best friend or family.
I don't know what I should do.


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Zodai
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07 May 2013, 4:09 pm

I think I was in a similar position to the guy when I confessed to my now-girlfriend back in December.

I'd say give it time - I'd advise against trying to cut off contact with him. Emotions do take time to develop - maybe thinking about it will get you to fall for him anyway ;p

I'd say just stay with him, and see how things turn out.

(Or you can PM my now-girlfriend about it, if you so desire. I met her on WP :3)


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redrobin62
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07 May 2013, 4:12 pm

Well, hopefully you learned a lesson from this experience.



Zodai
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07 May 2013, 4:19 pm

redrobin62 wrote:
Well, hopefully you learned a lesson from this experience.


Um...

I don't see it.

o_O


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Moridin8
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07 May 2013, 4:24 pm

redrobin62 wrote:
Well, hopefully you learned a lesson from this experience.


hmm. nor me.

You've lost me here.


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AnniPierrot
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07 May 2013, 4:47 pm

I think it's kind of different for us.
My ex and I were together for 2 years and we were about to have a child together.
That was love, but it turned bitter when the child's gone.
I don't feel what I felt towards my ex when we were in love.


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appletheclown
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07 May 2013, 4:52 pm

AnniPierrot wrote:
I think it's kind of different for us.
My ex and I were together for 2 years and we were about to have a child together.
That was love, but it turned bitter when the child's gone.
I don't feel what I felt towards my ex when we were in love.


Anni, you will never feel for another person, what you do for another, especially when talking about boyfriends/girlfriends. No body you will be partners with will ever make you feel the same as the last, it is what defines them in your memories.


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JanuaryMan
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07 May 2013, 4:55 pm

AnniPierrot wrote:
I think it's kind of different for us.
My ex and I were together for 2 years and we were about to have a child together.
That was love, but it turned bitter when the child's gone.
I don't feel what I felt towards my ex when we were in love.


There you go then. You're not in love.

With this best friend of yours it would be a relationship built on guilt and pity.
That will eventually turn into anger, frustration and blaming him. Not how you'd want a valuable friendship like this to end.

Continue to be a good friend to him but cut down on the contact just a little. You're only giving him "signs" in his mind that you feel the way he does. If he said what he said, now has changed his mind and wants to be with you either he's with you for convenience and wanting not to be alone, or he lied to you in order to get your relationship to this point where it might result in dating him. Neither of those are very positive .



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07 May 2013, 4:56 pm

I can only say what happened between me and Alpineglow here on WP- she opened her heart to me and I knew that if I didn't respond appropriately to her that likely I would have blown my absolute last chance for love in this lifetime. I was tormented by the fact that i didn't wanna be the one to break somebody else's heart. but I was very scared to leave my hermit comfort zone, to the point of paralysis- so I had to take a deep breath and just jump in even before I felt completely ready to make the change in my life. but am I ever glad I did :D I can only suggest to the OP to not let this chance slip through her fingers, that another person's love changes the game totally. there is nothing wrong with love, not one thing. when one finds it in whatever form, one should gracefully take it and run with it, cherish it and conserve it. savor it, revel in it. above all, NEVER ignore it!



redrobin62
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07 May 2013, 6:18 pm

What I'd meant by learning from the experience is what JanuaryMan posted. He said it better and more eloquently than I would have.



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07 May 2013, 6:22 pm

I'm kind of in the same position. I'm currently with a guy and it's very serious, we lived together for a bit now, but my female friend who is one of only a few friends I have has been letting me know pretty forwardly that she is into me. However, she has also been very respectful of my relationship and seems to understand that all she can expect from me is friendship even though I'm into women in general. Even if I weren't taken things with her would just not be like that, like the OP said, it's just not there, I don't love her only care about her as a friend.

She is a great friend to me so I would not dismiss her friendship on the basis that she feels something for me that I don't return, as long as she's willing to accept that. As far as I'm concerned it's up to her whether we can make it work on those terms, and she seems cool with it.

I've been in this position before too, sort of, except it was mutual with that girl but for various reasons it just would never have worked for us to be together. Sadly I got burned bad because we talked about it and agreed to still hang out and she said it wouldn't be awkward, but then she just stopped returning my texts/calls and much later I had to hear through the "grapevine" that she decided it was too awkward after all =/ That sucked to say the least. So if you care at all about this person, don't be like that, give it to him straight but nice and don't just cut him off, because it's mean and cruel.

Anyway I guess that's the question I would ask the OP then, is your friend willing to keep being friends with you and respect your lack of returned love? If so I'd say even if it's uncomfortable right now, you shouldn't cut off someone you're obviously so close to, you know? Talk to him about it and tell him how you (don't) feel and ask what he thinks about going on being friends and then give it some time-- if you need to be more distant for a while or the nature of your friendship changes, that can be okay too, maybe things can't be the same as they were but you can still know each other. But if it doesn't work out and he won't respect the sitch, or doesn't want to go on being buds, then you can tell him you don't wanna see him anymore and at least you'll know you gave it a try.



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07 May 2013, 6:27 pm

Also, just to add, from what you said I'd really think hard about why he's saying this now and what your relationship is like. Based on how you describe your friendship it sounds like there are some pretty strong codependency warnings there-- him depending on you to eat and you relying on him to be there when you panic, etc.

Since he said before that he didn't like you romantically, maybe there are other issues going on like he is afraid of abandonment and wants to keep you close. That's not the nicest thing to say I know and it sounds like you really care about him and the same vice versa, but it also sounds like if this did go on to a romantic relationship it could be a pretty unhealthy one.

Maybe both of you need to get to know more people and stabilize your lives more (I know I know, easier said than done when your aspie, trust me I get that, lol) before you should even think about dating each other or whatever. Or things can get ugly and both of you hurt which is bad (duh). And if you do go there, I'd say take it real slow, don't just jump in to "I love you and you're the only one for me," see how it goes first, you know?



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07 May 2013, 7:09 pm

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AnniPierrot
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08 May 2013, 12:48 pm

He told me he had to lie because he thought if he made it romantic I might abandon him. He had to tell me because it was weighing on his conscience so much, and he also decided that if I loved him back we should be go out, but if we didn't we could just stay as we are.
I do fancy/like him, but I don't love him, which is why I'm getting so frustrated!
2 years ago I was doing the exact same thing with my ex, going to a meeting to decide whether I loved the person or not. I still have no answer, unlike 2 years ago. It felt wrong to say I don't love him, but that's just as wrong as saying I do.


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08 May 2013, 1:06 pm

AnniPierrot wrote:
He told me he had to lie because he thought if he made it romantic I might abandon him. He had to tell me because it was weighing on his conscience so much, and he also decided that if I loved him back we should be go out, but if we didn't we could just stay as we are.
I do fancy/like him, but I don't love him, which is why I'm getting so frustrated!
2 years ago I was doing the exact same thing with my ex, going to a meeting to decide whether I loved the person or not. I still have no answer, unlike 2 years ago. It felt wrong to say I don't love him, but that's just as wrong as saying I do.


If that's how you really feel, why don't you just go on some dates or hang out as more than friends but say you aren't going out.
You don't have to "love" him already to go out with him. A lot of people that date or friends that start to date don't know til after a few.
Dating world isn't that black and white. Dating doesn't equal love and love isn't needed to start dating. Just start dating him, THEN decide if you want to be bf/gf or stay as just friends :)

Have fun!



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08 May 2013, 1:28 pm

JanuaryMan wrote:
AnniPierrot wrote:
He told me he had to lie because he thought if he made it romantic I might abandon him. He had to tell me because it was weighing on his conscience so much, and he also decided that if I loved him back we should be go out, but if we didn't we could just stay as we are.
I do fancy/like him, but I don't love him, which is why I'm getting so frustrated!
2 years ago I was doing the exact same thing with my ex, going to a meeting to decide whether I loved the person or not. I still have no answer, unlike 2 years ago. It felt wrong to say I don't love him, but that's just as wrong as saying I do.


If that's how you really feel, why don't you just go on some dates or hang out as more than friends but say you aren't going out.
You don't have to "love" him already to go out with him. A lot of people that date or friends that start to date don't know til after a few.
Dating world isn't that black and white. Dating doesn't equal love and love isn't needed to start dating. Just start dating him, THEN decide if you want to be bf/gf or stay as just friends :)

Have fun!


This sounds like the most probable idea. It's kind of like what I said - keep going and see where it turns out.

Mine was kind of different because we live too far away to actually see each other (Oh why must fate be so cruel ;-;) so the aspect of dating hadn't crossed my mind.

Good luck!


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