Horrendous Dating Experience

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OwlBeThere
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29 May 2013, 12:31 pm

Hey Everyone:

I am in the throes of getting out of a horrendous relationship. This "relationship" has been dead in the water for a long time (probably over a year). I have wanted out for a long time. The thing is, we are still stuck living together until I can find a new place. This takes awkward to a whole new level. The guy is NT but a complete dolt. He is the antithesis of me: not very smart, slobby, lazy, rude... I could go on about the levels of dysfunction but I will spare you the sordid details. I tried to break up with him a few times in the past but he would just say I couldn't and start bawling (I don't know why - crying doesn't have really any effect on me). But now, he said that he's "come to his senses" and is being very flippant with me. It's like he has done a total 180. He's very childish though and I worry that he is of the mind that it's a post-break-up contest at who can rebound faster. I don't want to have to deal with that. I have no intention of dating and I also don't want to have to deal with his lewd behaviour.

I have had a rash of terrible relationships. Because I am a bit of a lone wolf, I seek out others that are the same. Little did I know, these guys are loners because they are truly horrible human beings. I think that I am very easy to manipulate and I fall for the "act" because I can't help but trust that people's intentions are honourable. Needless to say, I have learned some hard lessons. I have totally sworn off dating now because I am convinced that I will be happy by myself. I believe that I will never meet anyone that will complement me and I refuse to keep lowering my standards and trying to be something I'm not only to impress some guy.

I am a believer that we don't need to validate our own self-worth through another person.

I just can't help but feel a little "off". I am not heartbroken or any of that nonsense. I don't think I ever loved this guy at all. I think that what is troubling me is the drastic change. I guess since I have no friends, I am mourning the loss of an ally. The problem is that I feel like I have to start over and that's not a bad thing... it's just daunting. I had been in this relationship for two years and then suddenly, the whole dynamic shifts and I don't know what I'm supposed to feel.
The part that I have always struggled with pertaining to breakups are the memories. I remember everything: places, how I felt at the time, smells, sights and sounds. This means that even the most minor thing can bring back a flood of unwelcome memories that take me right back to the time. It's kind of cool for positive memories but pretty painful for negative ones.

I am the type that likes to make a clean break. I will walk away and that will be that. But, in this situation, I am stuck living with him. I just graduated college (last month) and am searching all over the province for employment. Because I am a recent graduate, I don't have solid financials and am working part-time to make ends meet (albeit barely). It's truly an awful situation. Plus, he is being so flippant, cavalier and passive agressive towards me.

Does anyone have any advice? I know that ultimately everything will work out, but it just feels like everything is up in the air right now and I don't like the feeling of not having my feet solidly planted on the ground. It's not that I'm emotional or anything, I just kind of feel like I got knocked off my axis.

I hope this makes sense. It's not the easiest thing in the world to articulate.



Geekonychus
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29 May 2013, 1:35 pm

Makes perfect sense to me. After much retroactive introspection, I realized that part of the reason I stayed in a 5 and 1/2 year relationship was because I was too scared to lose the social support. As soon as I gained support elsewhwere (started making friends) it became a lot easier. I know you said you were a lone wolf type, I was too until I started finding "my pack." Do you have others you can lean on for social support in this time? If not, I would suggest forging platonic friendships before looking for another mate next time.



UnseenSkye
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29 May 2013, 6:16 pm

Responding to Owl..

I understand the reason tears do not move you, especially when someone has resorted to them a lot during the your time together. I is one thing for people to cry occasionally when something is intense and overwhelming to them and quite another when they cry almost constantly. I refer to people like this as "push-button criers", because they seem to have an on/off switch and use tears to manipulate and attempt to control the behaviors of others. I have been accused of being "a terrible, cold person by such people, when in fact I had been pushed about as far as I'd been able to handle and was attempting not to lose control and begin screaming at them. I believe they are sometimes really clueless and sometimes intentionally seeing how far they can push the boundaries of others before that other person flies off the hook. The fact the guy is an NT tends to arouse my suspicion about the latter possibility, so you must be very careful not to lose control.

Coming to his senses indicates he is simply trying a different strategy now that he's found the other has failed. I understand only too well the "lone wolf" preference because I also prefer solitude and it's difficult to live alone or find a person who accepts that you need time alone and doesn't take it as a personal affront. You are correct: there are people who are alone because they are nasty, abusive and sometimes really dangerous to others. There are also people who have a form or autistic or are intensely introverted, who haven't got great social skills and who happen to be really great human beings. The problem becomes how to differentiate what sort of person you are dealing with before you get in too deep. The only way I know is to watch how others react to this person -- co-workers, ex-lovers, former friends and so on. If this person has a good deal of money and these people refuse to talk, consider that they may be afraid to talk.

I also have trust issues and have been given good advice that I am taking:and will pass on to you: as much as I would like to think a person is trustworthy, I need to keep my distance and not speak about my personal life until I am very, very certain of the other person's intentions. And maybe even then, I should keep my mouth shut until I know a whole lot more about the other person. It is a crazy world when one cannot even confide with little old ladies who tell you to "call them Mom" and pretend to treat you as a member of their family until you realize that they're looking for an unbelievably inexpensive Caregiver, yard worker and pet sitter. So it is not only in the case of romantic possibility that we can be taken for suckers. When I think I've seen every kind of scam, every form of deception, along comes someone who has asked a lot of questions about me that should have aroused suspicion. When someone who is a stranger begins telling you they love you excessively because you are someone who does not use those words very often and will actually TELL a person "Love is a word that I take seriously and should never have conditions attached to it" and they begin using the word precisely as you have told them not to... get away from this person, because they are playing your vulnerabilities.

Don't lower your standards. Be who you are, but be careful of how much you are confiding in people you do not know! I have observed that people on the spectrum have a tendency to draw people who are very much opposite, although it might not seem so at first. Even Aspies with low empathy are not sociopaths. An Aspie wants to "belong" in some way -- even as a lone wolf accepted by other lone wolves. There is nothing wrong with wanting and even needing time alone. It is when people torment us and attempt to make us feel that we are defective because we want or need time alone that we are being told we are not acceptable to others as we are. You are correct that we are complete in ourselves. The trouble in this situation is that you are trapped due to financial circumstances and cannot make a clean break. This guy knows he has you in a bad spot for the time being and so is playing some very unkind games. Accept that he was NEVER an ally.

Research to see if there are counselors in your area who work with people who have issues with Post Traumatic Stress. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help you cope with persistent "memories". This will be helpful in keeping you from reliving a lot of the same pain, which can consume a lot of your energy needlessly and also will be useful for documenting what is happening and where. You don't mention whether this guy might be dangerous to you, other than being unpleasant on an emotional level. You mention that you've had a rash of terrible relationships. You've probably confided in him about some of them and even if he is not very smart, he has probably memorized some of the details and is applying them -- if I recall correctly, I wasn't bullied by geniuses throughout my life. Meanwhile, when you leave the place you're living, I recommend finding an inexpensive storage locker where you can keep personal papers and valuables just in case he decides to "try getting even" in ways that might cause you even more distress. Once you feel a increasingly secure, find reasons to spend time away from "home". This guy may changes his strategies again and you cannot predict what he might do.

You did a great job of articulating what is happening. Once you have successfully found employment that allows you to have a place that is all your own, I will recommend that you do not give it up for anyone. Remember how important independence is to you. Should you find in future a relationship that appears "perfect", please keep a place that is yours and yours alone -- regardless of words, contracts, guarantees. Trust in that which you have built for yourself and let no one else ever take it from you.



UnseenSkye
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29 May 2013, 6:16 pm

Responding to Owl..

I understand the reason tears do not move you, especially when someone has resorted to them a lot during your time together. It is one thing for people to cry occasionally when something is intense and overwhelming to them and quite another when they cry almost constantly. I refer to people like this as "push-button criers", because they seem to have an on/off switch and use tears to manipulate and attempt to control the behaviors of others. I have been accused of being "a terrible, cold person by such people, when in fact I had been pushed about as far as I'd been able to handle and was attempting not to lose control and begin screaming at them. I believe they are sometimes really clueless and sometimes intentionally seeing how far they can push the boundaries of others before that other person flies off the hook. The fact the guy is an NT tends to arouse my suspicion about the latter possibility, so you must be very careful not to lose control.

Coming to his senses indicates he is simply trying a different strategy now that he's found the other has failed. I understand only too well the "lone wolf" preference because I also prefer solitude and it's difficult to live alone or find a person who accepts that you need time alone and doesn't take it as a personal affront. You are correct: there are people who are alone because they are nasty, abusive and sometimes really dangerous to others. There are also people who have a form or autistic or are intensely introverted, who haven't got great social skills and who happen to be really great human beings. The problem becomes how to differentiate what sort of person you are dealing with before you get in too deep. The only way I know is to watch how others react to this person -- co-workers, ex-lovers, former friends and so on. If this person has a good deal of money and these people refuse to talk, consider that they may be afraid to talk.

I also have trust issues and have been given good advice that I am taking:and will pass on to you: as much as I would like to think a person is trustworthy, I need to keep my distance and not speak about my personal life until I am very, very certain of the other person's intentions. And maybe even then, I should keep my mouth shut until I know a whole lot more about the other person. It is a crazy world when one cannot even confide with little old ladies who tell you to "call them Mom" and pretend to treat you as a member of their family until you realize that they're looking for an unbelievably inexpensive Caregiver, yard worker and pet sitter. So it is not only in the case of romantic possibility that we can be taken for suckers. When I think I've seen every kind of scam, every form of deception, along comes someone who has asked a lot of questions about me that should have aroused suspicion. When someone who is a stranger begins telling you they love you excessively because you are someone who does not use those words very often and will actually TELL a person "Love is a word that I take seriously and should never have conditions attached to it" and they begin using the word precisely as you have told them not to... get away from this person, because they are playing your vulnerabilities.

Don't lower your standards. Be who you are, but be careful of how much you are confiding in people you do not know! I have observed that people on the spectrum have a tendency to draw people who are very much opposite, although it might not seem so at first. Even Aspies with low empathy are not sociopaths. An Aspie wants to "belong" in some way -- even as a lone wolf accepted by other lone wolves. There is nothing wrong with wanting and even needing time alone. It is when people torment us and attempt to make us feel that we are defective because we want or need time alone that we are being told we are not acceptable to others as we are. You are correct that we are complete in ourselves. The trouble in this situation is that you are trapped due to financial circumstances and cannot make a clean break. This guy knows he has you in a bad spot for the time being and so is playing some very unkind games. Accept that he was NEVER an ally.

Research to see if there are counselors in your area who work with people who have issues with Post Traumatic Stress. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help you cope with persistent "memories". This will be helpful in keeping you from reliving a lot of the same pain, which can consume a lot of your energy needlessly and also will be useful for documenting what is happening and where. You don't mention whether this guy might be dangerous to you, other than being unpleasant on an emotional level. You mention that you've had a rash of terrible relationships. You've probably confided in him about some of them and even if he is not very smart, he has probably memorized some of the details and is applying them -- if I recall correctly, I wasn't bullied by geniuses throughout my life. Meanwhile, when you leave the place you're living to go to work or to interview, I recommend finding an inexpensive storage locker where you can keep personal papers and valuables just in case he decides to "try getting even" in ways that might cause you even more distress. Once you feel increasingly secure, find reasons to spend time away from "home". This guy may changes his strategies again and you cannot predict what he might do.

You did a great job of articulating what is happening. Once you have successfully found employment that allows you to have a place that is all your own, I will recommend that you do not give it up for anyone. Remember how important independence is to you. Should you find in future a relationship that appears "perfect", please keep a place that is yours and yours alone -- regardless of words, contracts, guarantees. Trust in that which you have built for yourself and let no one else ever take it from you.



OwlBeThere
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30 May 2013, 5:51 pm

Thanks guys, it comforted me immensely to read your replies and put the whole thing into prespective.
It's getting categorically worse with each passing day. At this point, I am trying to find a room to rent or something just to get out of this situation.
I don't know how well I am coping with everything. He baits me by saying things and I am trying to bite my tongue but it's getting more and more difficult. He is pushing and pushing me verbally and I feel like I'm going to explode.
He and I really kept to ourselves when we were together. (We were together for two years but we knew each other when we were younger.) He doesn't really have a personality, he just picks up the personality of whomever he's around at the time by osmosis. Now, he's surrounding himself with toxic people (from his retail job) and suddenly interested in "going out". And not only is this strange because he's really quiet and doesn't like social settings, but he's flaunting it in front of me. Kind of like "Look how wonderful I am handling this!". Ultimately, he will self-destruct which is immaterial to me, but I'm just wondering how I should handle this. It's growing more and more difficult to deal with the taunting.
My brother said that it's because I'm still stuck living in this apartment. As soon as I am gone, the whole weight of the situation will hit him. In the past, he falls apart whenever he got dumped but he's almost cruel to me.
This is the most unpleasant situation that I've been in. I need all the help I can get. I am running out of energy for this.


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CaroleTucson
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30 May 2013, 8:01 pm

You definitely need to get out of that apartment and away from him.

Is there no one else you can turn to for a place to live temporarily? You mentioned a brother ... does he have even just a couch you could use?

What about looking for a roommate in the classifieds?

I'm sorry I'm not more help. But from the way he's affecting you, I think it's really important that you get out of there.



MjrMajorMajor
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31 May 2013, 1:39 am

CaroleTucson wrote:
You definitely need to get out of that apartment and away from him.

Is there no one else you can turn to for a place to live temporarily? You mentioned a brother ... does he have even just a couch you could use?

What about looking for a roommate in the classifieds?

I'm sorry I'm not more help. But from the way he's affecting you, I think it's really important that you get out of there.


+1. The relationship has been dead a year? It's past time to move out and move on. :huh: