How can you get a girlfriend if you have aspergers syndrome?

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rdos
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26 Apr 2015, 4:45 pm

Konnect Life wrote:
This is either someone who doesn't fully understand pua or someone who has received extremely limited info on it and formed an entire opinion based on that misinformation, or they ate simply focusing on the wrong instructors or advice.


I thought it was rather spot-on.

Konnect Life wrote:
The material they teach is BY FAR

FAR

WAAAAAY MORE HELPFUL AND BENEFICIAL

than anything I've seen so far in this forum and other similar forums and Facebook support pages, etc.


I don't follow.

Konnect Life wrote:
Another thing is I am in my mid 30's and have tested a lot of these pua tactics, the stuff I've chosen to make a natural part of my personality, on women of various ages. It works on ALL ages, since humans have been designed to naturally respond to certain things in certain ways, regardless of age. If this wasn't true, then no one could find a way to call it "manipulation."


No, it doesn't work on all women all ages. It only works on SOME NTs.

Konnect Life wrote:
Now, there is a DOWNSIDE of PUA, as was described in the quoted post. The downside is that if you are socially awkward and already don't know what you're doing (in addition to being the type to take everything too literally), it will, more than likely, backfire if you learn this stuff and do it the wrong way. These pua instructors and DATING GURUS also warn you that the stuff they are teachcing needs to be used IN A PROPER MANNER, and I capitalize that to stress the importance of using the material properly, and in a way that's congruent to your natural personality.


No way. PUA is a NT-fling, and there is no way it can ever become congruent to my neurodiverse personality.

Konnect Life wrote:
Therefore, of course you're going to look sketchy if you're learning these things and don't know how to implement what you're learning and do it in a correct manner. It's like someone who took acting for the first time trying to succeed in a Broadway play or some type of movie the next day or week and expecting to look right.


I refuse to "act" in any way in the relationship area. For me, a healthy relationship can never be a social game you need to play all the time.

Konnect Life wrote:
You SIMPLY HAVE TO KNOW (OR LEARN) HOW TO ATTRACT WOMEN AND DO THINGS THAT MAKE THEM FEEL GOOD, COMFORTABLE, AND SEXUAL around you.


No way I would ever want to learn that.

Konnect Life wrote:
This is another one of the many reasons pua exists. Many people simply just do not understand the complex, multidimensional nature in which humans have been hardwired to operate, and this is where pua can come in handy to teach the psychological dynamics of social and romantic interactions.


That's precisely why it won't work for or on neurodiverse people.



sly279
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26 Apr 2015, 6:28 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
I would not reject a potential boyfriend for having low self-esteem, hell I know how that is so if anything it might be a point of being able to relate....sure that's not a great thing to celebrate but connecting isn't just about having good things in common, at least to me it wouldn't be. Besides having emotional support actually can help build self esteem, and having a boyfriend or girlfriend ideally should provide emotional support.


well thats the thing though. most nt women never suffer from low self esteem. so they only view it as a horrible thing that one never comes back from.

people who suffered from any disorder or illness will be able to relate to others. but those who haven't won't.and they will never get us.



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26 Apr 2015, 6:29 pm

Diningroom wrote:
\

** it's unreasonable to expect anything from a partner that you're unwilling to do yourself. If you're a super-fit and stylish gym goer who is 20, expecting the women you date to be super-fit and stylish gym goers who are 20 is reasonable. If not, it's not. If you're a pudgy, 27 yo your minimum standard for dating should be the same. By all means, make the most of what you've got looks-wise... but if you're WantToGetALife magnanimously stating that he'd be willing to date an early-20s girl with only a sorta pretty face provided she had a supermodel's body? When he's no supermodel body himself? Well, consider how that relates to his status as a 27 yo dateless virgin.


please do go tell the women of the world this though you probably agree with them in that this doesn't apply tot hem they're women so they can be hypocritically.

also don't remember wanttogeta life saying he wants super model body women just that he is jealous of young couples. so there you go again assuming we are all single cause we want super hot women.



sly279
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26 Apr 2015, 6:32 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
autismthinker21 wrote:
And what I hate the most, is women calling me cute. I am not cute. To cute, it gets old. Whatever the chance is. Women want to much and we suffer with pain pills until god takes our life.I honestly hate when god makes human beings to f**k up s**t. It is god that made mistakes and cause nothing but problems. If eve didn't eat from the tree, there wouldn't be humans. God made humans to f**k up. Because god is stupid.


ya there are times I have hated that before in the past from girls that I was attracted to back, because I feel if they really thought I was cute, they would have dated me or slept with me, now don't get me wrong, i'm not saying they owed me, because they did not, I am NOT owed anything from women, but still, it was like a rub in the face.


there's handsome/good looking and there's cute. the first is romantic/sexual. the later is puppies and friendship.
so when a girl says you're cute its just like being a puppy or kitten. doesn't mean anything to do with relationships. don't think I've ever heard a woman refer to her bf as cute.



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26 Apr 2015, 9:54 pm

Konnect Life wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Lol @ PUA, yeah wonderful if your goal is to get laid....not so wonderful to actually get a serious relationship with a woman, unless this woman is also just as shallow and the relationship is built on a kind of disdain for each other, but from what I can tell those relationships aren't pleasant.

I hang out with plenty of guys....and I guarantee they aren't looking at girls they 'pick up' to get laid as potential romantic interests...they don't say 'yeah I'm going to go bang my girlfriend, or me and my girlfriend where banging and...' but that is how they'll talk about one night stands or people(some people I know are gay/bi and/or don't identify with their physical sex so not always females) they just got together with for sex and no other reason....granted these girls probably talk about them in a simular way. But point is a girlfriend and someone to bang are not the same thing the latter usually does not turn into a genuine lasting relationship.

I would almost say anyone could get a one night stand if they wanted to...And sure I could be wrong but, I think most woman who aren't under 18 are looking for a little more than PUA tactics, if a woman is after some fooling around and sex but nothing serious they'll make it apparent.....but I imagine approaching a female without such interests with those tactics is likely to backfire, especially from a 'creepy' autistic person, not to be mean but isn't it true sometimes people find us off putting/creepy at first, imagine that trying to act like a pick up artist I feel like that would be worse than approaching a woman and seeming like a shy/akward nerd/geek for instance. And that is not just for guys mind you I have had people tell me I am creepy or even look scary(though that is more if I am dressed more goth/metal) until they get to know me.



This is either someone who doesn't fully understand pua or someone who has received extremely limited info on it and formed an entire opinion based on that misinformation, or they ate simply focusing on the wrong instructors or advice.

I won't even spend too much time replying to things today, but I will at least say this: There are a huge variety of different instructors teaching different things for all kinds of situations. It's not all about getting laid. It's MAINLY about how to make yourself more attractive to females. Of course, they will try to promote it in such a way that it somewhat comes across as "get laid quick" material because they are running a business and that is a technique that works to grab the attention of the audience they are trying to target. HOWEVER, the bottom line is that they teach men how to attract women and increase their odds of finding a mate, and it's up to the men to choose if they want a one night thing or a temporary fling or date casually or get a girlfriend and get married.

The material they teach is BY FAR

FAR

WAAAAAY MORE HELPFUL AND BENEFICIAL

than anything I've seen so far in this forum and other similar forums and Facebook support pages, etc. As a matter if fact, I can guarantee with confidence that everyone who has come here to find help and advice probably came here, spent time reading and left without any real advice or help or anything useful to change their situation.

Another thing is I am in my mid 30's and have tested a lot of these pua tactics, the stuff I've chosen to make a natural part of my personality, on women of various ages. It works on ALL ages, since humans have been designed to naturally respond to certain things in certain ways, regardless of age. If this wasn't true, then no one could find a way to call it "manipulation."

Like I've said, I've had a girlfriend , and I do thank PUA for helping me get her, in addition to helping me normalize myself to the point where I also successfully made friends and got into the dj business and find a job and be able to interact normally with coworkers and keep the job....

Now, there is a DOWNSIDE of PUA, as was described in the quoted post. The downside is that if you are socially awkward and already don't know what you're doing (in addition to being the type to take everything too literally), it will, more than likely, backfire if you learn this stuff and do it the wrong way. These pua instructors and DATING GURUS also warn you that the stuff they are teachcing needs to be used IN A PROPER MANNER, and I capitalize that to stress the importance of using the material properly, and in a way that's congruent to your natural personality. As far as me trying to explain how to do this in the form of text without actually being there to show you in person, that is something I cannot do. This whole thing can get complicated, especially when you're dealing with a developmental or social disorder that affects your social skills and affects the way you perceive and learn things....

Therefore, of course you're going to look sketchy if you're learning these things and don't know how to implement what you're learning and do it in a correct manner. It's like someone who took acting for the first time trying to succeed in a Broadway play or some type of movie the next day or week and expecting to look right.

I'm sorry that I did not post anything that could specifically help anyone directly, but the truth is that the kind of help we, or some.... Or most people here need is not something that can be taught through text. Therefore, in many ways, seeking help on an online forum is usually useless, although there is the possibility that someone could answer with links that direct you to a page or someplace where you can find the specific help you need. But as far as getting online and posting a bunch of lists and things to do, like dress better or go to the gym or start feeling better and confident or just be yourself and wait or keep trying or try harder, etc., not only will that not get anyone anywhere (and I cannot understand why people still even think to post this type of crap, which I just saw on reddit), but it can be more harmful than PUA advice itself! At least PUA is teaching you SPECIFIC guidelines and techniques to tackle various situations women can throw at you then hold against you if you respond to the situation the wrong way!

A pua instructor (the good ones, at least) would also never say go to the gym more often and buy more clothes then have you going out and spending hundreds of dollars on new outfits only to realize that this does nothing for you, in most cases. You SIMPLY HAVE TO KNOW (OR LEARN) HOW TO ATTRACT WOMEN AND DO THINGS THAT MAKE THEM FEEL GOOD, COMFORTABLE, AND SEXUAL around you. Of course you could just make them feel good or comfortable without making them feel sexual and have them see you as only a friend to talk to and buy them things while they make love and commit to other guys who know how to make them feel sexual, but I'm sure most guys don't want that.

This is another one of the many reasons pua exists. Many people simply just do not understand the complex, multidimensional nature in which humans have been hardwired to operate, and this is where pua can come in handy to teach the psychological dynamics of social and romantic interactions. The funny thing is most people are completely ignorant to how social dynamics work, even to the point where the people who complain about pua material don't realize that they themselves respond to and are attracted to THE EXACT SAME THINGS THEY TEACH! The people who complain about it are usually the same ones who would reject a guy for being his real weird self while on asperger support pages and forums asking why they can never find a good guy.

Lol

I even got kicked out of a support page online for pointing this out!

I will just say this:
IF YOU TRULY WANT TO FIND A GOOD, HONEST NICE GUY, YOU WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN!

LASTLY, it is a proven psychological fact that most men go by looks while women focus more on personality. Therefore, no one can get upset over a man saying they want a good looking female when women have blatantly shown that they want a normal acting guy. Men and women both have the right to reject what they don't like, as you can see... I notice that no matter how good I look, I am still held back due to my aspue traits slipping out. The moment I slip up and say or do something that isn't right, according to social standards, I usually do not get a second chance with women, or I'm immediately limited to "just friends" or something. If it's true that a real, mature woman doesn't act like this, then I can only assume, based on REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE, that I haven't ran into any non shallow female, with exception for two, in my 34 years of life. ...... Then people wonder why generalizations and stereotypes exist, lol.


I suppose I just don't see why everyone goes after this very narrow definition of a normal/attractive women...sometimes I get the impression some people here or elsewhere people are just trying to be attracted to what they have been conditioned to think they ought to be attracted to. I mean if normal is really what people want, I suppose normalizing them-self to the best of their ability and using generalized tactics meant to work on most stereotypical females isn't so bad. I suppose I just have the perspective of being a weird misfit of society...so naturally I think I'd do better in a relationship with someone similar in that way....than say pursuing some narrow image of 'normal'. I guess I am also getting sort of used to guys who won't be clear of their intentions....or tell me things I'd have liked to know sooner. Like this one recently he could have just said he's got a couple interests and just wanted to hang out and fool around a little but wasn't ready to commit to anything....but instead plays it like I am the only one he's seeing and later on tells me he's already into someone else so we can't have anything long term, well if he was planning to date this other chick....why the hell did he go and hook up with me and not even mention there was a good chance it wouldn't go any further. I likely would have been fine with that...but it was the telling me after sort of acting as though we where forming some kind of relationship that bothered me.

But are you saying this PUA thing some of you speak of does not encourage misleading females?


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27 Apr 2015, 6:01 pm

alien91 wrote:
I hate to be cynical but most of us (aspie men) are going to have an extremely hard time finding girlfriends/wives . The only aspie men who have good luck with women are ones who are rich or have good looks.


I have neither and I have been married for 15 years, to a woman who is definitely not "bottom of the barrel." Many people tell me she is quite attractive. Her best ability, thought, is mate selection :D



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27 Apr 2015, 6:08 pm

AspieOtaku wrote:
Ignore them and they will come to you I know it seems weird but it seems to work especially when it comes to NT women


Not always, I ignored them and they pretty much ignored me back. If they are interested in you, but you ignore them, they will pretty quickly get the message that you're not interested so they will find someone else. That probably happened a few times to me. I wasn't really ignoring them on purpose, I just had social anxiety.



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27 Apr 2015, 6:15 pm

Professor John: You're a good guy to let Aspies know that it's not all a "lost cause."



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27 Apr 2015, 6:18 pm

sly279 wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
I would not reject a potential boyfriend for having low self-esteem, hell I know how that is so if anything it might be a point of being able to relate....sure that's not a great thing to celebrate but connecting isn't just about having good things in common, at least to me it wouldn't be. Besides having emotional support actually can help build self esteem, and having a boyfriend or girlfriend ideally should provide emotional support.


well thats the thing though. most nt women never suffer from low self esteem. so they only view it as a horrible thing that one never comes back from.

people who suffered from any disorder or illness will be able to relate to others. but those who haven't won't.and they will never get us.


Either that or if they do suffer from low self esteem you'd never guess it.


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27 Apr 2015, 6:45 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Professor John: You're a good guy to let Aspies know that it's not all a "lost cause."


You would probably be even better, since it sounds like you had a better go of it than I did. Hope your're having a great Monday. So far the only good thing I can say about today is the rest of it has no where to go but up.



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27 Apr 2015, 6:53 pm

That's a good way at looking at it.

I haven't had a great two weeks myself. I got laid off from my second job (fortunately, I still have my first).

I think you've turned the corner as to regretting your past. Which is something which you really NEEDED.

You've had a great career path; not many 48-year-olds attain Full Professor.

You're a good role model--because you've experienced both the bad and the good.

So have I--but I've remained a clerk all my life, despite getting my Bachelor's.



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27 Apr 2015, 6:58 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I haven't had a great two weeks myself. I got laid off from my second job (fortunately, I still have my first).

Sorry to hear that, kraftie.



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27 Apr 2015, 6:59 pm

Thanks, Ann

Thems are the breaks!

I hope to get another one soon. I've only had one interview in two weeks. I've taken two tests, though.

How's everything going with your program? How's that new apartment?



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27 Apr 2015, 7:04 pm

Fingers crossed for you.

kraftiekortie wrote:
How's everything going with your program? How's that new apartment?


I've got the big stuff moved in, still have to take a few boxes. I'm trying to move in increments. This is the last full week of classes; next week we have job trials. So I'm a little stressed, but I'm trying to do one thing at a time.



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27 Apr 2015, 7:13 pm

Of course, Ann.

But at least you're moving forward and making progress.



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27 Apr 2015, 7:18 pm

Yup. :-)

The landlord says there are ghosts in the building. So maybe I won't be so lonely.