How can you get a girlfriend if you have aspergers syndrome?
07 May 2015, 6:32 pm
1. Find a girl.
2. Introduce yourself
3. Be a cool cat.
4. (Optional) Find a common interest
5. Ask her out.
If you get rejected well repeat until you get a girlfriend. It is not an overnight process though.
Easy for you to say buddy. Counting in all of the variables, the probability of me getting a girlfriend in 2015 is around 1 in 50.
11 May 2015, 3:20 am
If you really want a girlfriend/wife, you would get one. Judging by your post however, I'm not convinced that you REALLY want one because you're convinced that you're not good enough or you don't deserve it, and you're using this aspergers thing as an excuse to not go for what you really want assuming that's what you really want. Otherwise, nothing would stop you.
So, As I've been going through this topic, I've seen an INCREDIBLE AMOUNT of reply posts that puss me off, mainly because it shows how much people are incapable of understanding what it's like to have to deal with aspergers and the problems it causes. The ignorance towards aspergers and the people who are ignorant enough to think it's an "excuse" just because they themselves don't understand or have to deal with certain issues EXTREMELY posses me off, and it's people like that who cause other people to kill themselves or attempt suicide. It's not like those people who say things like that care, because to them, any problem they don't understand or think is a big deal is no big deal, so everyone should magically just get over it or solve it in some simple magical way.
I can't believe anyone would, or could, in their right mind, get in here, see people frustrated, struggling, and desperately looking for answers; ANY answers to solve a problem and reply by accusing them of using the disorder that has been crippling them as an excuse THEN have the oddacity to say if you really wanted it, then you would get it.
I seriously cannot believe I saw that because no matter how much I try to understand it, I cannot see how that could make any sense. If it were that easy then why are so many people putting in the time and effort to create a profile to start or reply to this topic when they could've just magically fixed the problem by wanting something then getting what they want?
THEN,
this person has the nerve to pretty much criticize someone for feeling bad about themselves, basically telling them that the fact that they feel bad will only cause them to have LESS success. Never mind trying to understand what happened in their life to get them to that point where they feel bad or ever try to support and encourage them.
WOW.
But I'm not surprised because it's the people like this who bully and tease or put others down for being different or not living up to their standards of how things should be or how people should act and ruin lives with their hurtful words AND THEN criticize people for feeling bad about themselves.
It also pisses me off to see someone say that if you really wanted it then nothing would stop you. Maybe if people could just be themselves and be accepted instead of majority normal society creating all the rules on how things should be and rejecting, bullying and teasing everyone who doesn't follow those rules, things would be easier for men with aspergers.
Maybe if words like "creepy," "stalkerish," and "awkward" weren't thrown at guys who are already struggling, then yes, maybe it would be much easier for guys with aspergers or any other developmental or social disorder to just get out there and magically get what they want.
Not to mention the fact that the men who are natural at attracting women have no problems getting women, so, of course, they are naturally confident. MEANWHILE, the men who have challenges and try to learn from those who have natural skills are accused of manipulating and all sorts of crap and are criticized for trying to learn.
What kind of sense does this make? So, someone who does something naturally, it's ok, but when someone learns to do the EXACT SAME THINGS, all the sudden it's manipulating?
And yes, I did see the posts about learning PUA tactics and the people criticizing it. What's funny about that is that people criticize it, but those same things they are teaching are the EXACT SAME THINGS that women are attracted to, and since I go by REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE rather than what people wish to convince themselves to believe, I will continue to do what I've personally seen PROVEN TO WORK as oppose to silly crap like "just be yourself" or "be nice" and crap like that. Any intelligent person would realize that if just being yourself really worked in the first place, then you would never be in a situation where you had to be told to just be yourself in the first place!
ALSO
if just being yourself means being the type of guy who isn't good with women, then how the ---- is "just being yourself" going to help?
I swear, people need to THINK more often before they speak or judge others. I get criticized all the time for thinking too much and told I need to change...etc. Well, I truly believe that if more people used their brains more often then more than half of the unnecessary problems in the world, including these dating problems and the bullying, teasing, and criticizing of those who are different, would be solved. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't even have to be sitting here responding to a post like this (and the other ones I'm about to get to...!).
If more people used their brains, then less women would be attracted to jerks more women would stop rejecting the nice guys or guys who are different or have human problems and more men who have self control would stop choosing to be jerks or as*holes and doing other things to cause unnecessary problems.
THINK ABOUT IT.
I could go on, but I think I've made my point clear, despite the fact that this is just a BRIEF SUMMARY of everything I could say here.
If just being yourself really worked for everyone, then everyone would just be themselves because they wouldn't be put in situations where they felt that they had to change. I think that statement alone makes more sense than "if you really wanted something then you would make it happen." I bet if anyone acted on that advice it would suddenly be called rape. And lastly, the fact that you can't even feel bad or have low self esteem itself shows that you can't just be yourself. If just being yourself and making things happen was the solution, then no one would have low self esteem or feel bad in the first place.
God, I love this post!! Thank you! If I hear that dating should be "natural" one more freaking time, I swear! That's what Aspies do because we have to--use logic to LEARN how to be "natural." Anyone who says that crap should seriously do some research on AS--in which case why are they on this site?! Argh!
11 May 2015, 3:37 am
Well yes casual sex is the is the point of PUA. Although learning how to be confident and comfortable with yourself can get you a girlfriend; the majority of PUAs do not want one.
You do not become confident in yourself or comfortable with yourself by "learning" how to manipulate women into being attracted to you. No wonder men have so many issues these days..
Your confidence would increase regardless.
If you are using scripted routines then no you wouldn't become more comfortable with yourself. You will become more comfortable when you move past the basics and work on your natural game.
You're not making any point.. Your "natural game"? What the hell is that? You mean being yourself, and confident in that? That requires no PUA s**t.
I can't believe I'm actually replying to this crap. .
If you or anyone cannot understand the point being made here, then please continue to read it over and over again until you get it because IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE.
Another thing that pisses me off BIG TIME is when people accuse those who are simply learning the skills that other people naturally have of manipulating. How the ---- does this make sense? If the person with natural skills and the one who learned the skills are both doing the same things, then how is it suddenly and magically wrong when someone is learning it manually as opposed to doing the same things naturally?
And yes, PUA material CAN bring confidence. The same way learning how to drive better can make you more confident with driving, learning how to intervier better can make you more confident about finding employment, and studying can make you more confident about a test, PUA can make you more confident about approaching women, starting conversations and attracting them.
I can't believe I actually have to spell this crap out!
It all goes back to my first post where I said if more people would think and use their brains more often instead of being simple minded and accusing others who think of thinking too much, then many unnecessary problems would be solved.
Why the ---- do people feel the need to learn PUA anyway? Why do PUA instructors make so much money? Because all men cannot just be themselves. If that weren't true, then the words creepy, awkward, stalkerish, weird, and whatever other labels that are created and thrown at people who are already struggling and just trying to get things right would not exist. If it weren't that you had to be perfect in texting (can't text too much or too little or respond the wrong way) or with words or psychically and magically just know what to do with women and get things right all the time without risking everything that could have been simply because of a little mess up, then people wouldn't have to use or learn PUA tactics.
But, until people use their brains and realize that people are the way they are for a reason and no one is perfect and learn to accept and HELP people for who they are instead of bullying, teasing, rejecting and criticizing those who are different or trying to learn, there will ALWAYS be the need for people to learn and use PUA.
And, in addition to that, I did manage to find a girlfriend with PUA - after a previous 12 to 13 years of having no success with women just being a kind hearted, soft spoken "nice guy" who speaks proper and doesn't use slang and do all the stuff that natural bad boys do that bring them amazing success with women.
Therefore, real life experience has PROVEN that these methods work and since I go by REAL LIFE RESULTS as oppose to hearsay, I will not waste time arguing with anyone who tries to convince me otherwise just because they don't wish to admit or believe that this stuff actually works. If it didn't work, then the business wouldn't be successful, lol. Think about it. Never mind my personal real life results or seeing my friends who are naturally like this have massive success with females.
Yes, I hate the fact that these tactics work and that I have to change myself in order to be more accepted and attractive, but I am not going to sit here and rdicule PUA just because I don't like the fact that it works and that's just the way it is.
And, if I am taking something I'm learning and making it a natural part of my personality then using what I've learned to improve myself and get results I've always desired, then how am I wrong or being fake? If that's the case, I might as well had dropped out of school or any classes where I learned anything to get better at something. I guess I manipulate hring managers because I once took some interviewing courses to improve my job seeking skills. I guess I manipulate the media or audiences because I took acting classes to improve acting skills, etc.
I mean, think about it.
THINK about the bs you accuse people of before you make the accusition.
If I want to research and learn PUA to improve my skills and find new interesting ways to make myself more attractive, then I will. Once I see the results I desire from taking what I've learned and making it a natural part of my personality, my confidence will, indeed, increase, and isn't that what all of you criticizers here wanted in the first place - someone with higher confidence not letting a label hold them back?
Ok, then I should be able to "fix myself" the way I CHOOSE to do so, not YOUR way. After all, I'm already being required to follow enough of your rules to be accepted. At least let me choose the path I wish to take to improve myself enough for you to accept me and get around the label I'm using to hold myself back.
Smh[/quo
Oh no, taking classes is perfectly acceptable! You know why this self improvement isn't considered "ok" by society? Because they literally cannot FATHOM not having these skills naturally, and so therefore if you are trying to learn them then you must be "manipulating." Typical NT type comment. Because they are so spoiled and everything comes so easy, to them it's like the equivalent of an adult taking a class in handwriting for preschoolers--what, are you trying to fake/manipulate? See what I mean? It comes so easy from their comfy spot, therebut be "no other explanation." I have asked Nts these types of questions when they have brought up the "manipulating" thing ("Why would you think I was manipulating? Have I ever once manipulated or lied to you before?" "Well no." "Well, I guess it just seems like there is no way an adult wouldn't know that. . ." Aha.) and so their assumptions that have nothing to do w us get dumped on us.
11 May 2015, 4:40 am
It's all quite simple: PUA is NT s--t, and therefore not something you want to learn AT ALL. Not in the natural NT way, nor in a fake way. As an Aspie / neurodiverse person you want to use YOUR natural way of forming relationships, not copying NTs. Because even if you learn to perfect copying NTs and PUA, all you would have achieved is a fake personality, and a relationship built on being fake.
Simple as that.
12 May 2015, 10:49 am
Oh, I already have my fake personality and even that one isn't fake enough. Ha! My point was not even really so much about PUA stuff though I think that's okay, really just more that it's okay to learn social skills in general, that they don't have to be natural. and I think that should be the focus of autism awareness, not just okay yeah very obvious things like handflapping etc and it exists--but okay yes, these people may need explicit instructions and need to actually learn social skills EXplicitly vs implicitly and that is perfectly acceptable. Just think, can you imagine a world where one of us says--uhhhh what is a good response here? Remember I have Aspergers. And the person says "oh! Okay!" And then just answers the question. No crap to listen to, no opinions on how we are terrible for needing to learn. God. That would be like heaven!
12 May 2015, 11:21 am
Don't make the mistake of wearing a mask of deception or ingenuity, leading a double life won't bring you the acceptance you seek..
There is no shame in admitting that you have Autism but you have to make sure that the attraction and comfort exists first. It isn't the best idea to tell someone straight away unless they have a positive portrayal of you.
13 May 2015, 12:36 am
That one I was quoted on wasn't me, though. But yes, that's what I do exactly. It sounds good in theory and they say oh okay, no problem! And I try to be very detailed--the issue is not that. It's that (and I've asked before) they didn't understand that it was THAT big of an issue and how much it affected everyday life--until they were in it. One actually said that he just didn't understand that HE would respond so poorly to it, because there's no way to know. You have to remember, they're first timers to this, it's like saying I know what I would do if I were on my deathbed--they don't actually KNOW how they will handle it. At this point, the fake me is so ingrained by practice I dont even know I'm doing it anymore, it IS natural now. Lol
13 May 2015, 12:42 am
And you're right, there is no shame. I'm slowly getting there. I actually learned by mimicking/developing my "scripts" for how to interact lonnnnng before I realized that I'm Aspergers. I didn't know why I didn't know how to act--it just was. It just came naturally to mimic and learn with logic. I thought everybody did that until recently! Lol!
13 May 2015, 7:59 pm
I'm a girl with asperger's and I met my boyfriend on okcupid. I was lucky in that he was the first and only person I had to talk to and go out with and it's worked out very well for us. He is not autistic but he does have some anxiety and self esteem issues and he's introverted and a bit socially awkward, so he wasn't too different from me.
Here are some tips that have helped me.
1) If you can take any classes or find a group or therapist who can help you with social interactions and perhaps dating in particular that has helped me a lot with socializing. I know some people aren't able to have access to those but books or websites can help too.
2) I met a lot of friends and dates through actively participating in activities and hobbies that I'm interested in- particularly by playing in a punk band but also through art classes and volunteering at the animal shelter.
3) In the end tip #2 didn't help me find a boyfriend though so I decided to take matters into my own hands and try online dating. It was a big decision for me and I almost chickened out- first making my account and then actually meeting the guy.
If you wanted to try online dating here is what happened. Since I'm a girl I got A TON of messages from guys. Unfortunately a lot of guys have it harder as they're generally expected to be the ones messaging girls. I don't know how other girls think, especially NT girls, but here is how I chose who to respond to:
1) I didn't respond to anyone who sent me a message commenting on how I looked. If it was a sexual comment I wasn't interested. If it was a genuinely nice comment about how I looked (you have pretty eyes, you have a nice smile, etc) I still didn't reply because I'd get so many messages those ones just didn't stand out and weren't interesting.
2) I didn't respond to anyone who faked being interested in my interests. I could tell who was really interested in my interests, hobbies, opinions, etc. Either they knew what they were talking about or they'd ask me a lot of questions and were interested in my answers.
3) I didn't respond to anyone who hadn't read my profile. If you're only going off the picture and don't care about who I am as a person I'm not interested. (I could tell because they'd be older than I had said I was willing to date on my profile, smoked or wanted to have kids which I had said NO to, asked me questions that I had already answered on my profile, etc)
So basically, if you're online dating make sure you read people's profiles and message them about a shared interest or something you find interesting on their profile that shows that you care about them as a person!
Also, my boyfriend told me some weird stories about other girls he had met including one girl who only wanted to talk about serial killers! I'm very glad that he didn't give up because of a few bad dates. You just have to keep trying until you find someone you "click" with. Sometimes girls don't message you back or pursue a further relationship not because of you, but because they end up committing to someone else first.
It was really awkward and nerve wracking for me to go on a date with someone I hadn't met in real life. A lot of awkward silences and stuff but he told me that's normal because it's a weird situation and most people won't judge you too much based on that. He told me he liked me because I was weird and different so there are people out there who will love you for being different!
As for my diagnosis- I told him about a week or two into dating him but I didn't tell him right away. I tried to get a gauge on how the relationship was going first.
14 May 2015, 2:09 am
.....
If you wanted to try online dating here is what happened. Since I'm a girl I got A TON of messages from guys. Unfortunately a lot of guys have it harder as they're generally expected to be the ones messaging girls. I don't know how other girls think, especially NT girls, but here is how I chose who to respond to:
....
2) I didn't respond to anyone who faked being interested in my interests. I could tell who was really interested in my interests, hobbies, opinions, etc. Either they knew what they were talking about or they'd ask me a lot of questions and were interested in my answers.
....
So basically, if you're online dating make sure you read people's profiles and message them about a shared interest or something you find interesting on their profile that shows that you care about them as a person!
Also, my boyfriend told me some weird stories about other girls he had met including one girl who only wanted to talk about serial killers! I'm very glad that he didn't give up because of a few bad dates. You just have to keep trying until you find someone you "click" with. Sometimes girls don't message you back or pursue a further relationship not because of you, but because they end up committing to someone else first.
It was really awkward and nerve wracking for me to go on a date with someone I hadn't met in real life. A lot of awkward silences and stuff but he told me that's normal because it's a weird situation and most people won't judge you too much based on that. He told me he liked me because I was weird and different so there are people out there who will love you for being different!
As for my diagnosis- I told him about a week or two into dating him but I didn't tell him right away. I tried to get a gauge on how the relationship was going first.
shortened it to save space not to edit what you said.
so I'm bit confused you didn't like if they asked questions about your interests?
as for giving up. think there's a time to throw in the towel and stop trying. you run out of women, and it becomes clear you worthless by societies standards and most people follow that, those who don't got into relationships long ago.
18 May 2015, 12:28 am
I think she just doesn't want them to fake it. She wants them to have had the same interests BEFORE meeting her. I get that. I used to be like that when I was younger. Now I'm okay with feigned interest--at least they're trying. If you think about it, it really says a lot about how much they like you-if they are actually willing to go to THAT LENGTH to talk to you instead of just going for something easy--, they must be a really caring person who is willing to put in effort. And that goes a looonng way in a relationship.
18 May 2015, 1:08 am
Unfortunately I feel your pain. I am an aspie woman and don't see how I can find man who understands and can tolerate my moods. Men are not taught in our society that being emotionally intelligent is important.
As an aspie girl I am not attracted to many men and find sex often repulsive. The men I am attracted to are usually bastards and I don't see a way around this. Sigh. I give up for now. I have had trauma and working through this helps but not really enough 
.
It is important that all people look at them selves and see why they behave the way we do etc . I have been doing so much of this. The best thing to do I think is talk to a psychologist who knows about relationships and aspies and see if they can give you advice. Unfortunately women are attracted to men who are good in social situations and not awkward. My ex was an undiagnosed aspie and our interactions were so awkward and it was even worse as he would not admit that he is an awkward dude after I was explaining that I am this way.
18 May 2015, 3:54 am
well I actually take interest in learning about their interest. if just to learn more about them, but I also enjoy learning new things. though I suppose sometimes I do ask about things I know i dont' like, however it has been explained to me women like to talk about their interests so it is common in relationships to do/talk about interest you don't' like but your spouse does. and vice versa. otherwise wouldn't' it be kinda one sided to only ever talk about common interest. I think having everything in common would be boring.
18 May 2015, 9:46 am
Sorry I am just irritated that someone would say I cannot get in a relationship. You have no idea what you are talking about.
Why is it that a woman would hate someone based on something that affected them and caused their low self-esteem. A little understanding would go a long way. It is sad that someone would perpetuate the idea that anyone is barred from a relationship. That is a very hurtful thing to say.
This is exactly true, if you let them know that you act a certain way due to something that happened to you, they would more than likely understand you and accept it.
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