Aspergers Parent
I think that the quality of parenting by Aspie parents varies just as it does with NT parents.
If you want to become aware of some of the common pitfalls (and can take some tough words), we have a thread called "Raised by Asperger's Parent" that you can read through. But since the thread is a rough read at times, I think the following might be the take-aways:
Note that most of this comes from adult children of parents who never knew about or understood their own ASD. A parent who grew up not knowing about ASD is less likely to consider the items as potential problems, and that lack of self-knowledge is probably what turns what could have been a minor quirk easily adapted to by the child into something that fractures the relationship and stresses the child. I do not believe these things have to issues in a family where a parent is aware of their own differences.
1) A parent who doesn't know they have theory of mind issues can impose some pretty odd rules and preferences on their children.
2) ASD does not usually exist in a vacuum: there tend to be co-morbids like depression and anxiety that can make being a parent more difficult. Potential parents need to understand their own co-morbids and how they affect them, as well.
3) The rigidity and sensory issues associated with ASD can create issues between parents and children; children can be smelly and noisy and unpredictable, and trying to squash all of that isn't usually in the child's best interest.
4) ASD can lead an individual to have had a difficult childhood, and the perceptions formed as a result will shape how the parent perceives the world and raises the child, perhaps having an unusual level of distrust of other people or desire to discourage activities that allow the child to form a normal social life.
5) ASD parents can have difficulty forming the relationships with other parents that lead to play dates and invitations for their young children.
All that said, I believe we have some pretty wonderful parents here who identify as ASD. There are no perfect parents, and there are trade offs with any parent when it comes to skills and parenting ability. ASD changes none of that, it just colors which challenges are the most likely to exist.
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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
Last edited by DW_a_mom on 06 Jun 2013, 2:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
There is a thread about it here.
Warning:
All these stories are terrible. There are maybe only three good ones in the whole entire thread.
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt87678.html
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Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.
I would reiterate what I think DW is trying to say: please remember that AS has only been an official diagnosis since 1994. This means diagnoses started only 19 years ago - and all the treatments and supports we now have were barely viable at that time.
This means that the experience of many people being raised by individuals diagnosed with AS is skewed towards the negative - not because people with AS make bad parents or are horrible people, but because they lacked the support and understanding of their communities and were largely isolated and often abused. Most people who were diagnosed as children in a time that offered some reasonable supports and understanding are only just now becoming parents.
Therefore, the experiences on the threads by adult children of people on the spectrum may not be at all representative of parents with AS now. From what I read by the number of posters here who are parents and have AS, people make very good parents (but, again, that's a self-selecting group - they're coming to a parenting forum for support, which is something good parents tend to do. There's probably other parents out there, with and without AS, who are not as proactive.)
In other words, I think a diagnosis is not a predictor. This neither means I think people with AS will be good parents nor that I think they will be bad parents: I think there is evidence that shows any outcome is possible.
Thanks for the summary DW mom all points are applicable to me and I try to work through them each day. It's hard to be fair on yourself and make allowances for your aspergers whilst trying to keep up the normal parent act. I end up just being an unusual but caring parent who tries to equip my child with all the facts she will need to survive in life.
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Never, Never, Never Give Up
I haven't read the thread, and probably don't want to, not that I have an NT child or anything. But, I think the things listed apply to AS parents of AS kids as well.
NT parents have their own pitfalls to be wary of. NT people do not have as good Theory of Mind as they think they do.
I think all parents, NT or not could use some self-awareness.
My parents hit all 5 of the items in DWAMom's list: One of my parents was almost definitely AS, my other one most probably wasn't, but is a blend of something, or is at least a neurotic, OCD NT (unless probable OCD rules one out as NT)
Anyway, Aspies certainly have certain issues to be aware of, but honestly being NT (or just not Aspie) doesn't
t guarantee success.
As odd as my parents were, and as many issues as they created/exacerbated it might have been worse with "normal parents." Who knows.
Another one for the list: difficulty extracting yourself from special interest to pay attention to parenting tasks such as cooking dinner, cleaning the house and listening to children when the obsessions with a special interest are extreme. Also bombarding a child with monologue about special interest stuff is hard too.
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Never, Never, Never Give Up
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