Page 1 of 1 [ 12 posts ] 

OliveOilMom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,447
Location: About 50 miles past the middle of nowhere

08 Jul 2013, 7:21 pm

OK, I almost posted this in the haven because I'm worried about it, but it's a parent specific thing and many people there may see it from my son's perspective and not mine, and what I really need is reassurance and understanding, cause parents understand how much we worry about kids.

My youngest son who is 18 and who has never been away from home far away before without an adult is now in South Carolina. Apparantly stranded but fairly happy about it. He's the one who I think has AS because he shows lots of the same traits I do, but he definatly has ADHD and is on meds for it. He was 18 in March. He's been to Florida and Virginia and Tennessee and Ga and Ms with relatives but this time he went to SC with his best friend and his best friends mother. They took two vehicles, they were taking her ex bf his truck and were going to ride back in her car. They stayed in a condo with her ex bf for a week and had a nice vacation at the beach (apparently the mother and bf had a congenial breakup). They were coming back yesterday but her car was packed so full of stuff and her youngest son that she said my son and her son (17) could stay up there with her ex. He's buying them a bus ticket back Thursday. Maybe.

This is the bf who used to work at the mines and got her son a job there. I don't know what he does there but he's taking my son and his friend to work this week.

I'm terrified. Mainly because I do have this little secret overprotective part and I'm terrified of water and they are at the beach (son swims like a fish though) and he's not where I can check on him. He doesn't have phone minutes but has an ipod and is on the wifi from the condo so I can get an update from time to time, which are not at all very reassuring. The one this morning said "That was a hell of a night!" with a smiley face after it.

He really is the most careful of my kids and does always look out for his own interest first, and he's very aware of the medication allerigies he has but isn't likely to need medication, but knowing he could swell up and die frightens me. He also can't drive really, and he's got a temper. I'm sure he could drive, he's just never bothered to learn and the only thing he's driven is his friends car on a back road, a motorcycle and a tractor. Plus they don't have a vehicle.

I've messaged him on FB trying to sound all calm and "Carol Brady" type mom and he still says "Chill mom, I'm 18. I'm grown." Well, he may be grown but in many ways he's not. I think he's using this "Staying till Thursday" thing to break it to me that he wants to stay up there, and if so I'll have to accept it. Moving out made my oldest grow up, so it might with him, but I worry about the beach. And car wrecks.

Just reassure me please. Tell me that he's gonna be ok, I'm overreacting (which if you know me, you know I either underreact or overreact) and that there will be less rap music blasted through the house at 3am for the rest of the week.

He's had a job sort of, here and there, for years so he knows about making his own money. He is fine with roughing it on the floor on a blanket, which he's done at friends houses when he's spent the night many times, and like I said, he's careful. Always a seat belt, will never ride in the bed of the truck, refuses to help people move appliances after that one little mishap with his finger, never walks down the street with his back to traffic, etc. But he's 18. Alone for the first time with his best friend who is 17 ( but with life experience of a 25 yo) and they are staying with the friends mothers ex who has a questionable legal status. All I get when I bring that up is "MOM CHILL!! !! !! !! !! !"

Tell me it's gonna be ok. I'm forcing myself to be calm and stay calm, but if you wanna help me force this, please do.


_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA. ;-)

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com


benh72
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2013
Age: 51
Gender: Male
Posts: 338

08 Jul 2013, 7:40 pm

Oh Frances, I feel your pain.

The reality is you can't rationalise away your concern for the safety of your family members.
You know really that he's going to be fine, he's in good hands, he is responsible, intelligent, and resourceful, but he's still your little boy.
Unfortunately the only way our kids learn independence is by giving them some independence.
You just have to let him have this experience, and try to focus on something else, rather than bombard him with Facebook messages, or get too "Carol Brady" on him.
So far as the Brady reference, just think what Mike Brady would say; probably something along the lines of "well he's becoming a man, and he's only going to learn to fend for himself and be independent if you will stop coming to his rescue before he needs it".

He'll call you if and when he needs you, and if he doesn't he may still be fine, remember he has two other guys there with him to look out for him.

Even if he later contacts you and says he wants to stay, it most likely won't be permanent, and it will some experience that will help him later when he's ready to leave the nest.
If he really does stay and it is longer term, again it would be learning independence, and better that he's with someone you know or know of, than if he ran away from home or moved across the country to somewhere you didn't know, or with someone you never met.

Don't forget too, that one day he will move out permanently, and chances are he will have to share his apartment with a stranger to afford the rent; at least he's learning some valuable life lessons.
This is really a case of a fledgling learning how to spread his wings, and you wouldn't want him to fail to thrive or grow up and still be so dependant on you that you stifle one another!

BTW - I have a 13 y/o daughter, and I am almost panic stricken that she is travelling interstate to see P!nk.
- She's going with her mother, she hasn't lived with me since she was a 1 y/o, and I still worry about her - something really weird must happen to us when we become parents, because as illogical as it is, I still catastrophise whenever my daughter goes away.
She'll be dead or injured by 100 different causes in my mind before I speak to her again, all whilst she's perfectly safe with her mother.
In my case divorce may have ended the close contact with my daughter, but it's made no difference whatsoever in how much I worry about her!



Bombaloo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Mar 2010
Age: 53
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,483
Location: Big Sky Country

08 Jul 2013, 7:55 pm

I totally would be really worried if I were in your shoes. Don't beat yourself up for feeling that way. The thing about your post that struck me was that the friends mom and her ex had an apparently amicable split. this might be going out on a limb but that makes it sound like he is probably a pretty reasonable guy and hopefully mature enough to know that 18 year olds may not need babysitting but they do need some boundaries and rules. Good luck, I hope it all turns out well.



OliveOilMom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,447
Location: About 50 miles past the middle of nowhere

08 Jul 2013, 8:05 pm

Bombaloo wrote:
I totally would be really worried if I were in your shoes. Don't beat yourself up for feeling that way. The thing about your post that struck me was that the friends mom and her ex had an apparently amicable split. this might be going out on a limb but that makes it sound like he is probably a pretty reasonable guy and hopefully mature enough to know that 18 year olds may not need babysitting but they do need some boundaries and rules. Good luck, I hope it all turns out well.


It's the guys questionable legal status that I worry about. Which was why she broke up with him. I don't want my son there (or his friend) if anything goes down. But, like he said, he's 18 and can do what he wants.

It's a lot less than I did when I was 18 I guess. I married this crazy guy to get me out of the house, ran off to Georgia with him, came back, went here and there with him, got my ass beat every day, even once run over by a Volkswagon bug (which surprisingly didn't hurt me bad) and left in Phenix City. Although I do think that this being away in an all male environment (with no Mom type to supply him with clean and ironed, and mended clothes) will cause him to appreciate home a LOT more.

It's just thatdamn beach. And now there is a hurricaine out in the Atlantic, but a long way away. He isn't worried by weather so I'm sure he has no clue.


_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA. ;-)

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com


ASDsmom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Apr 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 803

08 Jul 2013, 8:30 pm

Sounds like he's quite flexible in terms of adjusting to new environments. The fact that he's had multiple home-away-from-home experiences and with adult supervision, paved him the way to feel successful on his own - with his friend - and with this shady guy. He'll be fine. Don't worry about the water. That's your fear and not his so let him enjoy his new found freedom.

I can relate too, though. The first time my son went to an over-night camp, 2 years ago, I worried a lot about him being molested by some camp leader. I panicked BIG TIME when I picked him up and he spaced out for an hour and then had a MAJOR MELTDOWN at a Greyhound depot over.. can't remember (something trivial). I couldn't help but think .. OMG, what happened to him?? What's he not telling me? The second year, he broke his arm - day 2, no one knew about it until I picked him up and sent him to emergency - a week later. I was told he fell and was bruised up but was "fine" .. ummm, no .. he was in a lot of pain!! His 3rd year is coming up in 2 weeks and I'm NOT looking forward to it. It's a special needs camp and I just have to trust that he will be in good hands. After all, he could have broken his arm at school, daycare, at home, etc ..

Soooo, preoccupy your time and try not to obsess. It's hard, I know!!



cubedemon6073
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Nov 2008
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,953

08 Jul 2013, 8:56 pm

Frances, I have read your description of him. He can handle himself in a fight by what you say. Don't worry, he's going to be okay. He's good to go.



ASDMommyASDKid
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Oct 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,666

08 Jul 2013, 9:21 pm

I totally understand. I worry about my son constantly when he is away from home, and he is only 7.

From what you say, though, it sounds like your son will do well. It sounds like he has quite a bit of life experiences for someone his age, which will help inform his judgement. I think it will be OK.



OliveOilMom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,447
Location: About 50 miles past the middle of nowhere

08 Jul 2013, 10:08 pm

Thank you all so much! He does have a lot of life experience, and actually knows more about the ex bf's sketchy legal stuff than I do, and self interest is his number one thing, so I'm sure he would be safe there. Also, he can handle himself in a fight. He's the youngest boy in a big family, and my oldest boy used to be mean to him when they were little (all siblings seem to though). He also has a very smart mouth on him which gets him into lots of trouble like that and he's had to learn how to handle himself. He's about 6-3 and maybe 160 or 180. Not big but very muscular. Looks like one of those skinny boys that sang in grunge bands in the early 90s, but he's strong as can be. He does learn from his mistakes. If you remember, last year he was helping this very friend and his mother move and they were moving a fridge and it cut the tip of his little finger almost all the way off, and it had to be reattached, and he absolutely refuses to move any appliances again since then. He knows it won't happen again, but he's not taking the chance. He did bring in a washer and a dryer for me, but he wore big, thick gardening gloves and didn't get his hands near the bottom of it, he only pushed the dolly.

He's run the gamut here I guess, since it's either feast or famine, from living hardscrabble, no hot water or nothing to eat, all the way to him having all the games he wants and stuff. Unfortunately, we can't be the kind of parents who give him everything he wants so since he's been 10 or 11 or so he's always had something going to have money. He has the skills to take care of himself, and I do know that. He's also cautious by nature about a lot of things, but I'm his mother and I just want to be able to see him before he falls asleep and know he's in the bed, etc.

He just overreacts to so much stuff and he gets so mad over stuff he has no reason to get mad over. Then again, he does get that honestly. I want to be there to try and sooth his feelings and such, but they wont ever toughen up if I always do that for him.

Thanks again folks! I will keep you informed about when he's coming back!! !


_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA. ;-)

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com


AtticusKane
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 22 Aug 2011
Age: 33
Gender: Male
Posts: 271
Location: The American Empire

09 Jul 2013, 2:29 am

From your description, your son sounds a lot like me - even more capable and experienced than me when I was 18, and I was taking crazy bus-train trips and flights across the country by myself by then. I was kind of terrified at first that I'd get myself lost or miss the last train or something, but I was careful, and everything went fine, even through the stress. Just thought I'd give a perspective of someone that can relate to the kid. It seems to me like you have nothing to worry about, except maybe that shady guy getting things done late or something.



momsparky
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,772

10 Jul 2013, 10:41 am

I know I got here late (tried to add my $.02 earlier but my computer is wonky) but I just wanted to add that I think you're a great Mom.

I think your son sounds ready to handle this stuff. I can't blame you for being worried, but it sounds to me like even you think he can handle it, you're just second-guessing yourself.



OliveOilMom
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Age: 59
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,447
Location: About 50 miles past the middle of nowhere

12 Jul 2013, 4:09 pm

Again, thank you all so much!

He called the day he had told me he was coming home and informed me that he's got a construction job there, and the ex bf of that girl got him that so he's staying there till that job is over with.

I told him it was nice of him to think of informing me. He had had the job for several days by then.

At least I know he's eating. He got phone minutes too, so that's good.


_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA. ;-)

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com


InThisTogether
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jul 2012
Age: 56
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,709
Location: USA

14 Jul 2013, 8:07 am

OliveOilMom wrote:
Again, thank you all so much!

He called the day he had told me he was coming home and informed me that he's got a construction job there, and the ex bf of that girl got him that so he's staying there till that job is over with.

I told him it was nice of him to think of informing me. He had had the job for several days by then.

At least I know he's eating. He got phone minutes too, so that's good.


Sorry I'm late.

I don't think it is possible to not worry.

The other day at work I was talking to some moms of older kids (all late teens). Their kids are heading off to college, driving long distances alone...stuff that nearly makes me hyperventilate just thinking about it.

One of the things that they said that struck me was that one of the things you have to be able to do as a mom is to not show your fear. Let them know you are thinking of them and will always be concerned for their safety. But don't let them see you cry, panic, or freak out. These are the moments that we have been preparing them for their whole lives: the day when they can become truly independent and live their own lives. The reality is that some of our kids may never make it to where your son is (because they will never be able to handle that level of independence...and that's OK), and the fact that your son is there, and handling himself is a testament both to him and to you.

So, come hear and freak out as much as you need to. Build up your energy and courage so that what he will see/hear from you is your confidence that he can manage on his own. Praise him for any wise choices he makes. Remind him how proud you are of his integrity. That will help him stay on the right path without you becoming one of "those mothers" who he will start to pull away from.

Deep breath. You can do this.


_________________
Mom to 2 exceptional atypical kids
Long BAP lineage