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Xlexa
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Joined: 5 Apr 2013
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23 Jul 2013, 1:45 pm

I'm relocating to stay with my mother, although I do own a home in my city, but there's just no jobs (that pays better than minimum wage). No if/and/ors/ or buts I have to go for the money.. So I am going down there for a 40 hour (19k a yr) for 2 years, and I am also going to go to college. Long story short: Just over the phone she is like comparing me to my cousins' successful lives, probably "judge" how I live my life, my social outings, little details that don't mean anything.

I am absolutely fine with how I live with my life, and she irritates me to hell when she goes on her rants about my life. I can only do the best I can do. I am content with my life.

Still, I have to keep my calm.... so here's what I think I should do.

1. Limit the time spent with her, limit the details I give to her. Just focus on the purpose of why I am there.

(also I am going to help her with the bills too, so I'm not living there scottfree)



benh72
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23 Jul 2013, 2:08 pm

It sounds like you may have to re-evaluate your priorities and see if this is really the right decision for you.
You say you own your own home in your city, but there are no jobs that pay better than minimum wage - is that liveable? If it is, even if you are going to be doing it tight, it's still better than having a higher paid job if the cost is taking abuse and criticism from your mother.
When my first marriage broke down I was forced to live with my parents.
This was after a failed suicide attempt, and after taking a fair amount of criticism and abuse from my ex, and I had to share my visit time with my daughter with my parents.
In the end had I not met my current wife I have no doubt the criticisms from both of my parents, the emotional tug of war over my daughter, and the emotional and social struggles that go with being an undiagnosed ASD would have lead to my eventual successful suicide.

Don't put yourself in a position where you will be living with someone who will undermine your confidence, hound you with criticism, and generally make you feel worthless, there is no job and no amount of money that is worth that.
You'd be better off selling your home and moving across the country than trapping yourself with your mother, who from what you've said is only going to erode your confidence, unfairly compare you to others, and expect you to pay for the privilege.
Being your mother doesn't give her the right to compare you, criticise you, or expect you to move in with her because it appears to be mutually convenient.

The other option is stay with your mother until you can find other suitable accommodation nearby; that way you can move, get a better paid job, have somewhere to re-launch from, and not be so dependant on someone who is going to make your life unpleasant.
Much easier to manage your relationship with your mother if you don't have to live with her for too long.
You don't get to choose your family, but when you become an adult you have the right to decide the terms of the relationship with them, and the right to cut them out of your life if they make things too unpleasant. Obviously that's a last resort option, but keep it in mind; you're not a child anymore, and you don't need mother to be there to fix your problems, and draw you into her own problems.



cathylynn
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23 Jul 2013, 3:38 pm

xlexa, sounds like you have a good strategy in mind. best of luck in school.