A few questions for anyone willing to answer

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Zorrotrainer14
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22 Oct 2013, 9:18 pm

So as of right now, I am waiting to get an appointment to be officially diagnosed with Aspergers. The thing is, half my family is very ignorant on this subject. If I were to tell my dad I thinkI may have AS, he would tell me that am crazy, It's all in my head, and blah blah blah. If anyone out there has any advice for dealing with ignorant NT's, I'd be glad to hear it.

Also, I was wondering about after I get diagnosed (Yes, I'm so sure of this, that I am positive that it WILL be diagnosed) should I go about telling people about it. I mean, for those I do decide to tell, any advice for how I could go about doing so.

Thank you to anyone who attempts to answer these



cathylynn
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22 Oct 2013, 9:49 pm

I have elected to tell as few people as possible, not even all of my immediate family.



Willard
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22 Oct 2013, 9:54 pm

On dealing with ignorant NTs, who dismiss what they cannot see and have not personally experienced:

:nerdy: Present a clear, documented description of what AS is, citing respected professional sources, noting how each of the relevant criteria apply to your own life experience. Keep it relatively short, but informative and straight to the point. Do not wander off topic or use terms that are either too generic (which makes them subject to the "Oh, that's nothing, EVERYBODY goes through THAT" dismissal), nor so clinical and wordy that they sound like gobbledygook or doubletalk. I'd try to keep it to about 2 - 2.5 pages, no more than three, or they'll skim and not bother to read it all.

The reason I recommend putting it on paper is that autistic processing issues often make us horrible debaters - even if we've gone over and over our arguments a million times in our heads, when it comes time to make our case, we get stressed and overwhelmed and can't think fast enough to listen to the other person's arguments and respond logically. Often we get frustrated, our brains flatline and we just shut down. We don't lose the argument so much as we forfeit on a technicality. :oops:

As to disclosure: You really just have to make that call on a case-by-case basis.

I know from experience that when you have that official confirmation that all those qualities that have caused you so much grief and brought on so much judgement and bullying over the years are an actual neurological dysfunction and not flaws in your individual personality, the epiphany is so liberating, the impulse is to share it with everyone out of sheer joy and excitement - you feel vindicated. Just keep in mind that while you've been learning about this condition for a while now and you understand it for what it is, they don't.

You will want to tell the people closest to you, but you will likely get a mixed bag of reactions. Some will react the way you expect your Dad will, by rolling their eyes and scoffing (though few will do it to your face), some will simply stare blankly, because they have no idea what you're talking about (they think of autism as a form of 'retardation' and can't understand how anyone who isn't like Rainman can really have it), some will be convinced you're just an attention-seeking neurotic latching onto a popular imaginary ailment for sympathy, still others will get creeped out by it because they've read exploitative implications in the news media leading them to believe that people with Asperger Syndrome are psychotic and violent.

A few will attempt to understand, and be supportive, but consider yourself extremely lucky if you encounter anyone who has a realistic notion what AS is or is curious enough to read up on it. So choose carefully and be prepared for some uncomfortable moments. In most cases, you may find it's just better not to mention it unless it comes up in the course of conversation (and maybe not even then). :hmph:



nebrets
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22 Oct 2013, 9:58 pm

My family knows, as does my SO, the disabilities office at school (and some professors), my roommate, my sensei at Aikido, and a few friends. Not everyone knows, but several people up there need to know because I learn and think differently and their knowing helps. My family so they can better understand why I do things the way I do, and how to choose if/how/ and by whom, something needs to change. Also my family can be a big support when I get overwhelmed or am confused.


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Codyrules37
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22 Oct 2013, 10:00 pm

You can tell some people like your close friends or maybe your boss but don't stand on your house rooftop with a microphone shouting to the whole neighborhood you have Aspergers.



aspiemike
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22 Oct 2013, 10:22 pm

I actually walk around this world more comfortable in my own skin that I had thought. I ended up finding out that I really don't give a s**t what people think when I say "I was diagnosed with Autism" or I say something like "I have a tendency to think literally." It actually hasn't effected my friendships as much as you might think. People get pissed off over a couple things I say on occasion, or the fact I might repeat something over and over again. I actually have enough friends now that seem more accepting, and acquaintances that enjoy seeing me happy. There is enough people I see that I feel comfortable around and I am probably more comfortable being me than the average NT is at being themselves.


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ak_born
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22 Oct 2013, 10:24 pm

Other than my mom, my family was a bit dismissive. Over time, they became more familiar with the condition and had their own "ah-ha" moments where things suddenly made sense instead of me just being "socially awkward" and "weird." My dad was pretty tough on me growing up because of some of the issues and later apologized gave a very thoughtful apology that really helped to mend our relationship. All I'm saying is that if it doesn't go well with your family at first, things might get better with time.

I also strongly agree with Willard's comments.


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loosewheel
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23 Oct 2013, 12:02 am

Only the people who matter really need to know. People in general wont care. It will be whatever they make of it no matter how much you explain it. In general, just walk in and sit down like you belong there. I wouldn't bother trying to explain anything. Their opinions don't matter, and just keep it that way. If you really matter to someone, they already know you, the label wont mean anything. If there is misunderstanding, then go the extra yard if that person is worth it to you. Otherwise just be you, whoever you are. Everyone else has that right.



andrewlavigne
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23 Oct 2013, 12:16 am

I myself am awaiting official assessment (Looks like it'll be January). I told my parents my suspicions (they're more than that, but I wish not to identify myself with Autism before an official diagnosis) because, well, they're my parents, and because I need their input on my development.

I also told my professors (three of them, it's a small university and an even smaller department) that I suspect myself to be on the spectrum. But I did this primarily because I am dealing with several mental health issues at the moment (anxiety, depression, substance abuse and suicidal ideations) which have affected my studies and my attention in class, and I have finally come to understand (I think, anyway) these as stemming from an ASD. My professors are important to me, and this is a very important school year for me (next year is grad school--if I can keep it together, which I'm afraid I can't), so I felt the need to let them know. Ultimately, this worked out well, as I was able to get some relevant information in the end. It's also nice to have people who I really respect at my disposal to talk to (another benefit of a small department).

I also told my brother, because he's my favouite guy in the world. And I told my (one) friend, because he's weird and he's been through the ringer with head doctors in the past.

I realize now that I actually told everyone in my life who's really important to me. I sure hope my (well researched) hunch is right. Otherwise, I'll have to say, "Nope, I'm not autistic, just strange to the point that people have been offended by my quietness/weirdness throughout my life."

This is undoubtedly useless to everybody else, but I need to express myself somehow. I've been lurking here for quite a while, and only began posting today.



Fetika
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23 Oct 2013, 1:30 am

@ Zorrotrainer14
Euh... Before we get into all that, have you been diagnosed Aspie, finally?



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23 Oct 2013, 2:16 am

^^Not useless at all. I've been a lurker for a while and just started posting recently too. It helps to be able to talk openly about these things here when we never had the opportunity to do so anywhere else. It's nice to see people I can relate to.

Honestly, I only tell people on a need-to-know basis, unless they are both close to me and understanding. I would love to share my condition openly, but I've realized that most people don't respond the way I hope they would. I've only told two professors, and it was because of misunderstandings with how I critiqued other student's work (I was a bit too blunt and eager to offer constructive criticism, and during editing conferences there was some confusion on both sides of the table). One teacher was incredibly understanding, and the other looked puzzled and then treated me like I was mentally ret*d for the rest of the semester. Well, she gave me an A at least :roll:

I've tried an approach that involves taking baby steps when telling other people in my life. I try to get a feel for what they think of Asperger's by talking about it casually, and go from there. Some people are accepting, and some aren't. For those who aren't, I try to educate them about it before telling them, but it's hard. A list would probably help in some circumstances, as Willard mentioned. I've had success with a few people, but I decided that with many it's just not worth it. Unfortunately, this includes some family members. I do try to test the waters with most people close to me, however.



Tressillian
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23 Oct 2013, 10:28 am

Whether you disclose the diagnosis or not, the point is that there are differences that need to be accounted for. You will either say "I'm really sensitive to sound" or "I'm sensitive to sound because I have asperger's". In some cases, the diagnosis will give you the weight of medical authority. In other cases it will be a distraction and used as nothing more than a label.

The direction of conversation you have with people should be about making adjustments to make life better for you and for those around you. If you're not doing this and just randomly informing people of a diagnosis, you aren't going to get good results and informing others will be a waste of effort. So, keep an objective in mind with everyone you discuss this with. Explain to them things that you would like to work on changing and use the diagnosis as the explanation for the change.

In most cases, improvements will be very time consuming. It's really hard for NTs to understand and empathize with an aspie. A lot of communication will be required when informing other people.



pcuser
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16 Feb 2015, 8:12 pm

I didn't find out I had autism until I was 61. Of course I had it my whole life. You can't know how others will react. My biological mother was dead when I was diagnosed. However, I ended my relationship with her when I was 19. Some people are simply toxic about pretty much anything. I had to do the same with my biological brother about 10 years ago. He was toxic as well. Actually, my step-mother first realized I had autism. She encouraged me to be diagnosed and was there for verification at my diagnosis session. She had no problem accepting me. My dad was still living when I found out. He was in his nineties, but never changed his love for me. His mind was sharp until the very end. So, this was special. I have 2 step-brothers who aren't even genetically related to me. They accepted me as they always have and had no problem with my diagnosis. My sister knows. I don't know how she feels deep down about it as we aren't very close anymore. So, now my family consists of 3 people not genetically related to me who considers me family and I them. You simply never know how it will shake out. I will say that finding out was a huge relief to me as well. I'm not ashamed about having it, so I don't have any problem with sharing it when I see fit. You have probably figured this out as I came late to your party...



MjrMajorMajor
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16 Feb 2015, 8:26 pm

The knowledge of my diagnosis has provided practically nill, except with other people who relate. My mother just does not get it, and is always taking offense of things I'm not even aware of. It's very disheartening, but I am getting better at not taking it personally.



Fetika
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19 Feb 2015, 1:36 am

Concerning letting people know, I think like Richard Feynman's wife Arline : "What do you care what other people think?". I actually am proud of being like Einstein, MIchelangelo and the like (rather than like ISIS jihadists...). I actually don't think I "have" Asperger's, I think I "am" Asperger's : this is not something you acquire, this is the way you get born.

About other people's reactions, they almost always react positively when I tell them I am. Even on facebook! I guess it depends on the way I present it. My being proud of it certainly changes their reaction : many envy me. I do not see Asperger's autism as a disorder but as an unusual, minority way of being. Just like an Asian in Scandinavia or a White in Africa. I see being NT as much of a disorder as being AS. Compared to us, NTs have a lower average IQ, are less sensitive to social injustice, have much less respect for truth, are more prone to break engagements, like useless small talk and noisy places, have a much lower concentration ability... Aren't these disorders?

Yes I am "different" when compared to the vast majority of humans. I have been told so since I am a toddler, and that is many many decades ago. Yes, that made people sometimes fear me (especially when I am too "truthful") and it keeps some people away from me. Those people I don't need in my life anyways. We are Andersen's "Ugly duckling" and I feel more at ease with great swans...

During decades I knew I was different (it is the least I could do after being told almost since birth) but being diagnosed has put an official name on this "difference". And some people who were wary are not anymore. They looked up "Asperger" in Wikipedia and commented "Now I understand you a lot better!". And it eased our relationship a lot. This is particularly true about my daughter who always had some tension and this tension disappeared when she knew.

To Aspies who are afraid of telling their parents / relatives / friends, I say make very very clear that Asperger's IS NOT a mental illness, nor even a disorder, but a different way of being, actually an asset. Being Aspie or NT is like being male or female: different, but not "ill" nor "disordered". Just be happy of all being Aspie brings you! Yes, as much as most of us are geniuses in science, arts or other fields requiring a specific talent and strong learning ability, as much we are socially incompetent, stupid, inapt. So why not see Aspies and NTs as complementary and praise the Lord (or Mother Nature if you are atheist) for this complementarity?