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aspiemike
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27 Oct 2013, 8:35 pm

PunkGuy brings up some good points.

However, there is a reality here. She has made it clear that she feels uncomfortable. What I would like to know after my one post here is... is there any faith that a relationship with this person can succeed? And can you list some qualities about him that you like and find attractive?


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Your Aspie score: 130 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 88 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


punkguy378
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27 Oct 2013, 9:05 pm

aspiemike wrote:
PunkGuy brings up some good points.

However, there is a reality here. She has made it clear that she feels uncomfortable. What I would like to know after my one post here is... is there any faith that a relationship with this person can succeed? And can you list some qualities about him that you like and find attractive?


I like this idea.

I mean I know that at a certain point you have to let the relationship end even if he ends up hurt. It is a difficult thing. And I know it is difficult for many of us aspies to deal with a break up.

I mean if you truly are not meant for each other and you are not happy then ending it is okay. I just think that maybe if you talk to him and give him a chance. If you can then try but at a certain point you may have to give up.

Basically I wish I ended my last relationship sooner because it would of saved me a lot of suffering. I dragged it out. And my relationship ended in a total blowout. It got pretty nasty and there was a pretty heated exchange which I totally regret. I saw the signs months before but I was staying in the relationship for selfish reasons. I though I was in love but I think I was confused.

Anyways, I hope my other messages did not come on too strong. I am a very opinionated person and this is kind of what got me into trouble with my last girlfrind. (who was also an aspie).

Good luck with this and maybe try to talk. This message is meant for the OP obviously although I am responding to someone as well. Just so no one gets confused. I thought it was better than making multiple posts.



Keyman
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28 Oct 2013, 11:09 pm

@madbirdgirl, Your boyfriend seems like a clear aspie. You have to express your needs in a non confronting manner and listen carefully to what he says. And the message is what is said, not body language.

He's probably like a white man in Africa without a map..

As for making others act in a way that makes you feel loved and being their partner. It's usually something one has to take care for oneself. Love yourself. That doesn't preclude that you can express the way you would like your partner to treat you in a non-demanding way.

Many signals from people with aspergers are wrongly interpretated. Try to find common interests. Be physical not chatty, ie more direct. And if you want sex, well then show explicitly that is what you want otherwise he might just feel that it would put you off.

Perhaps you may have to explain what you mean by emotional support and reassurance.

..and take one thing at a time because the other person may have to comprehend not just what you said but the whole concept.



punkguy378
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28 Oct 2013, 11:59 pm

Keyman wrote:
@madbirdgirl, Your boyfriend seems like a clear aspie. You have to express your needs in a non confronting manner and listen carefully to what he says. And the message is what is said, not body language.

He's probably like a white man in Africa without a map..

As for making others act in a way that makes you feel loved and being their partner. It's usually something one has to take care for oneself. Love yourself. That doesn't preclude that you can express the way you would like your partner to treat you in a non-demanding way.

Many signals from people with aspergers are wrongly interpretated. Try to find common interests. Be physical not chatty, ie more direct. And if you want sex, well then show explicitly that is what you want otherwise he might just feel that it would put you off.

Perhaps you may have to explain what you mean by emotional support and reassurance.

..and take one thing at a time because the other person may have to comprehend not just what you said but the whole concept.


I agree with the whole "love yourself" thing because relying on others for your happiness is not healthy. It means you probably have insecurities that need to be addressed. Sometimes through therapy. And this seems to be needed in situations where it is deep rooted in you.

The other person should love you and respect you while at the same you also love and respect yourself.

I know all this from experience. I am an insecure person that has found it difficult to love myself the way I should. The last woman I dated I was trying to get my happiness from her. When my expectations were not met I was left resentful and angry.
Needless to say the relationship failed which gave me a valuable lesson in that I need to work on myself and find my happiness from within. Something I already knew but just ignored. I always have to learn the hard way. lol. I tend to do things that are not healthy for me because I think it is rooted in the fact that I somehow think I am no good and not worth anything.



Keyman
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29 Oct 2013, 4:37 am

Getting love (care) from others something, one sometimes need. But the setup that one needs to convince someone that you are "worth" loving just makes an assumption about the decision process that ain't there. "See here, I have evidence X, Y, and Z that you should love me. Dear judge now rule fairly! I have stood in queue long enough!" But there's no judge or rulings. Just circumstances. Some of them will make someone to behave in a pattern that most people will consider as love.

So I would rather call this the reciprocity of love map triggers. Be it economic wealth, great body, looks, parent background, social network, manners, hormone phase, life experiences, luck, or deeds. Don't ever forget nature set it all up to optimize for reproductive purposes, nothing else come first. The right triggers will make people respond in certain ways. Some call a subset of those responses "love".

The culprint is that humans have brains powerful enough to outsmart these more basic brain parts but not everyone will make use of this capability to see through the triggers or impede them. A practical example is acting on visual attraction cues. Now they will feel right. But the higher part of the brain, if you allow it to act may actually figure out that the impulse sent out doesn't have the appropriate substance to back it.

Therefore don't try to prove or convince that you are worth loving but change those attributes that makes people love you instead. Asking people about this usually yields no comprehensive answer because their brain plays tricks with them.



octobertiger
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29 Oct 2013, 6:27 am

All this logic. All this needing fairness. And all this inherent "I deserve this and that, just by breathing".

It's like building a map of a country when one only has an experience of walking around at midnight with a torch. Taking bits from people and experts who pretty much have done the same - only in a different metaphorical country. And then sticking to the map, when it might be better saying "There is no reliable map, there are no generalisations, I'm going to keep my senses tuned in and fly by the seat of my pants, and keep myself open to whatever happens"



punkguy378
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29 Oct 2013, 7:49 am

I never got the idea of social status as far as how many friends you have. Having 300 friends on facebook does not mean anything. How many of those so-called friends will be there to help you when you break down in the road! I would guess almost none! Because they are just people that you know because your friend has friends who has friends who has friends. Send out requests everyday of people that are recommended. Most people just click accept every time they get a request.

The same goes for friends you see in person. Only close friends count really in my mind. The rest of them are just filler to make yourself look better.

I mean the bottom line is it seems to me that woman see how many friends you have and if you only have a few they think something is very wrong with you. It is total hogwash nonsense.

I have 28 friends on facebook. And they all are actually people I know in real life! Or at least have had some contact with! The exception was my ex- Long distance girlfriend. I do not generally accept friendships with people I do not know unless they are vetted in some way or i know them in real life. I have to at least have talked to them somewhere. I don't want complete strangers seeing my page. I am somewhat private and do not want the whole world to see what I post.

I currently have deactivated my account because of the break up with her. And I blocked her. And she most likely blocked me.



punkguy378
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29 Oct 2013, 7:50 am

oops I think we got completely off base on this thread.