Guys' chance to help girls avoid misunderstandings

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biostructure
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05 Feb 2007, 6:47 pm

A while back there was a thread in the General Autism Discussion section asking female members whether they attract stalkers, and it turned into a discussion of how different types of guys come across to women. Several people mentioned that the thread was getting off-topic, so I decided to start a separate one here for that kind of discussion.

So guys:

Give the ladies (both AS and NT, but especially the NT ones, who are less likely to "get" us) some tips on how to interpret your behavior and communicate with you, in order to better avoid misunderstanding and the stress, fear, and disappointment that can result from it.


-How can girls/women let you know clearly when something you are doing makes them SERIOUSLY uncomfortable, so that you can tell it apart from the initial feeling of shyness or reluctance that almost anyone feels when starting a relationship or sexual involvement with someone?

-What signals do you give them when you want a sexual/romantic relationship as opposed to just being friends? Of course if you stare at their breasts all the time that isn't a sign of friendship, but if you want to be more discreet, what are you likely to do?

-What female signals are you likely to misinterpret? For example, I tend to interpret a girl smiling at me whenever I start talking to her as a sign of possible interest in me, when in fact some do that just to be friendly.



ahayes
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05 Feb 2007, 7:43 pm

Quote:
How can girls/women let you know clearly when something you are doing makes them SERIOUSLY uncomfortable, so that you can tell it apart from the initial feeling of shyness or reluctance that almost anyone feels when starting a relationship or sexual involvement with someone?


Say: [whatever the thing is] is making me seriously unconfortable, do [you put something here] instead.



ahayes
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05 Feb 2007, 7:44 pm

Quote:
How can girls/women let you know clearly when something you are doing makes them SERIOUSLY uncomfortable, so that you can tell it apart from the initial feeling of shyness or reluctance that almost anyone feels when starting a relationship or sexual involvement with someone?


Say: [whatever the thing is] is making me seriously unconfortable, do [you put something here] instead.



05 Feb 2007, 9:10 pm

I know that i had posted something before about how we might be misunderstood, or to seem creepy to girls.



biostructure
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05 Feb 2007, 11:07 pm

To get this discussion going a bit, I will give my own answers to some of the questions.

Quote:
How can girls/women let you know clearly when something you are doing makes them SERIOUSLY uncomfortable, so that you can tell it apart from the initial feeling of shyness or reluctance that almost anyone feels when starting a relationship or sexual involvement with someone?


You should just say that my behavior bothers you, making sure that I know what bothers you. For instance, if I touch someone lightly on the arm, is it how I touched that bothers her, or is it the fact that I would try to touch her at all?

Quote:
What signals do you give them when you want a sexual/romantic relationship as opposed to just being friends? Of course if you stare at their breasts all the time that isn't a sign of friendship, but if you want to be more discreet, what are you likely to do?


This is one that's really tough for me to do. If I'm interested in a girl, I will walk up to her and try to start a brief conversation whenever I see her, ask lots of questions, and most importantly smile when she walks by, etc. I do sometimes stare at girls' bodies, though I try to do it discreetly.

I don't typically have female friends, and so my behavior toward girls I'm attracted to is definitely different than toward random ones (whom I usually at most say "hi" to unless either they start a conversation, I wish to ask something specific, we're involved in some activity together, or I know her from somewhere). However, I worry that my behavior is no different from how the average guy acts toward ANY random girl, so it won't be noticed.

Quote:
What female signals are you likely to misinterpret? For example, I tend to interpret a girl smiling at me whenever I start talking to her as a sign of possible interest in me, when in fact some do that just to be friendly.


I've already partly answered this question, but any girl who seems to go out of her way to talk to me, and acts happy or excited when doing this, will seem interested. When I say "go out of her way", I mean that we aren't in a class or other group together, and she doesn't seem to have any particular reason to talk.



7on
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05 Feb 2007, 11:20 pm

biostructure wrote:
-How can girls/women let you know clearly when something you are doing makes them SERIOUSLY uncomfortable, so that you can tell it apart from the initial feeling of shyness or reluctance that almost anyone feels when starting a relationship or sexual involvement with someone?

Obviously vocalize it.
Quote:
-What signals do you give them when you want a sexual/romantic relationship as opposed to just being friends? Of course if you stare at their breasts all the time that isn't a sign of friendship, but if you want to be more discreet, what are you likely to do?

I'll initiate touch. I can be something friendly like a touch on the shoulder or it can be something simple where I'm sitting close and our legs are touching. I have that thing where I don't like touch, and I know if I can build up a familiarity with you getting into a relationship where there will be LOTS of touching I need to know I can handle it.
Quote:
-What female signals are you likely to misinterpret? For example, I tend to interpret a girl smiling at me whenever I start talking to her as a sign of possible interest in me, when in fact some do that just to be friendly.

I have no idea whether a woman likes me unless she vocalizes it. I don't pick up on flirting ever, unless it's vocal. It has to be something like "I like you" or along those lines. That's also why I appear needy in relationships, I have to know how the woman feels. I'm working on it though (but I feel like I'm blind when I don't know if the lady likes me or not).



spacephrawg
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06 Feb 2007, 2:05 am

Ok. Here's my take: Women are atracted to confidence. They often fall hard for it. However women all to often misread a man as confident when he's really just being an as*hole. This is why all of the as*holes get the girls - because they dont care. This is how women end up with abusive men. As a kindhearted (although right now ironically but justifyably bitter) individual who actualy has respect for women but rarely gets any, I have to sort of bitterly laugh at the greater female population, especially those who have passed me up for as*holes and are now unhappy.

Smoothness, confidence, charm, even, do not mean the person is good quality. One has to judge such things as a facade. In fact one has to judge common interests as a facade. look past that and judge how the person act's towards you otherwise. It may take a long time, like several meetings or more before his real personality become aparant. It may even take a lot longer.

Take things slowly and get to know a guy like you're trying to be friends. If at any point you're not comfy with what he's doing, you dont have to go along with it to be polite.

Above all, feel no obligation to be with the guy as if he's the only one availible. "Man Poverty" as I supose you could call it, is in your head only. To put it very bluntly, unlike men, the only thing a woman needs to do to get laid is say "yes" any night of the week. If the guy you're with at the moment isnt exactly what you want, drop him. You have to learn to say no before you can learn to say yes.