kissing a girl with AS for the first time. please help

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marsh7024
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18 Nov 2013, 9:14 pm

Hello, I am a 19 year old male dating an 18 year old female with aspergers syndrome. We have been dating for a few months now and I want to kiss her but i am not sure how to approach this. she tends to freak out when i bring things up like this out of the blue. I was wondering if anyone can help me with ways i can ask her without her freaking out. We have a date planned and i was hoping to bring it up at the end of the date. just not sure how.
We do hug, but we haven't held hands or kissed yet.



OliveOilMom
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18 Nov 2013, 9:29 pm

I'd do it the normal way. Where you are next to each other and just lean in and put your hand under her chin. If she wants to kiss you she will lean in too.



marsh7024
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18 Nov 2013, 10:08 pm

This is my first relationship and her's too. by the way
so neither of us have experience with this sort of thing



nebrets
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18 Nov 2013, 11:43 pm

I did not kiss my fiance until we had been seeing each other for about 4 months. We have also drawn the line of physical affection at kissing until we are married in about 7months. So do not rush it (and he was only the 3rd guy I had kissed and I am 26). I did not see what people found fascinating about kissing at your age.

Therefore on to advise: ask her directly. "What physical limits do you feel absolutely comfortable with?" Also ask if she has a mental timeline of when she would want to do things like kissing. DO NOT RUSH OR PRESSURE HER! Things will come in time. One or both of you may find kissing awkward at first, and it may take a good bit of time before it is comfortable and even feels good or nice. (I re-went through this awkward feeling bit with each guy). If this is so, let her initiate the kisses.

Also one tip. My fiance let me know that I was the one who had to decide if and when to first kiss him. And it was four months of seeing each other all day on the weekends (many, many hours together) before I was ready to kiss him. I found that completely romantic and comforting, as it showed that he would NEVER push me physically to go farther than I want.


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marsh7024
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19 Nov 2013, 9:06 am

I would never pressure her into doing something she doesn't want to and I intend to make it perfectly clear to her that I won't pressure her. As far as her making the first move, i am not sure she will in this case. I want to make it clear that i am interested in kissing without her feeling like she is "on the spot" and without doing it so suddenly that she freaks out. I would appreciate any advice on how to tell her i want to kiss her without "putting her on the spot."

p.s. the quotes are what she said after I asked her out on a date a couple of days ago. She said this via skype a few minutes after we had parted company.

I just don't want to just bring this question up without warning. so i guess i am looking for ways to let her know that i am going to ask the question so that she isn't blindsided.

one more thing. as far as anything more physical than kissing, I prefer to wait till marriage for that, so i draw the line there anyway and i am pretty sure she feels the same way.



thewhitrbbit
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19 Nov 2013, 11:32 am

OliveOilMom wrote:
I'd do it the normal way. Where you are next to each other and just lean in and put your hand under her chin. If she wants to kiss you she will lean in too.


I would go with this too. I think that "Can I kiss you" can be a real mood killer.



Brianruns10
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19 Nov 2013, 12:09 pm

OliveOilMom wrote:
I'd do it the normal way. Where you are next to each other and just lean in and put your hand under her chin. If she wants to kiss you she will lean in too.


But what is normal for neurotypicals isn't so for Aspies, yes? Touching her, especially under the chin, might have a backwards effect.

If she indeed has AS, then BE EXPLICIT. To hell with all the subtle BS. Tell her you like her, and then politely ask if you can kiss her. If she says yes, then do so. Simple.



Yuzu
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19 Nov 2013, 12:34 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:
OliveOilMom wrote:
I'd do it the normal way. Where you are next to each other and just lean in and put your hand under her chin. If she wants to kiss you she will lean in too.


But what is normal for neurotypicals isn't so for Aspies, yes? Touching her, especially under the chin, might have a backwards effect.

If she indeed has AS, then BE EXPLICIT. To hell with all the subtle BS. Tell her you like her, and then politely ask if you can kiss her. If she says yes, then do so. Simple.


I second this. I would prefer to be asked explicitly so I'd know exactly what's going to happen and be ready. (Or refuse if I'm not ready.)
But then this is just my personal preference because I don't quite get subtlety.



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19 Nov 2013, 5:46 pm

Your fiancee sounds really sweet nebrets.

You seem like a nice guy too marsh. It is great that you have such a kind thoughtful attitude towards your girlfriend.

I would suggest easing into the subject. Ask the question of how she feels about kissing in a discussion that is somehow related to the topic.

I hope it goes well for you two. :)