Page 1 of 1 [ 9 posts ] 

mrsprocrastinator
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 25 Nov 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 7

26 Nov 2013, 11:04 am

Please don't judge me, but I'm in an early pregnancy and trying to decide whether or not to proceed or terminate. I'm 43, 30 lbs. overweight, and depressed. Prior to conceiving, I had a physical exam and was told all is well except for a severe Vitamin D deficiency. Surprise surprise and a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant before even taking any supplements.

My husband is the best, and we have a wonderful relationship. He is 40 and in good health. Together, we never decided to have a baby or not. We toyed with thinking it would be nice since we both have no living immediate family left, all are deceased so it's just the two of us. But we never made a decision since we are both procrastinators.

Well, now that I'm pregnant, we have been consumed with trying to make a decision. Again, since we have no family to depend on or speak with, it would just be the two of us. And together, despite our age, we are quite immature and used to our freedom with very little responsibility.

We are scared to death of having an autistic child, because we don't think we could handle it well. All early ultrasounds and bloodwork came back negative for any problems like Down's syndrome and the like. But there is no test for autism detection. Here is why we are so afraid:

-Both of us are over 40
-I conceived while being deficient in Vitamin D, and I still am despite supplements
-I am overweight
-I am depressed and in need of therapy, and possibly medication
-I am pretty sure both my parents had some degree of Aspergers
-husband has a learning disability, as did one of his parents and one of his grandparents

Doesn't all the above put us at a much greater risk of having an autistic child? I'm hoping to hear some opinions and get some much needed guidance and advice. Thank you all for reading my dilemma.



BuyerBeware
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,476
Location: PA, USA

26 Nov 2013, 11:31 am

That is, frankly, impossible to predict.

IF, indeed, you/he are somewhat autistic, then you have a higher-than-average probability of getting a child who is somewhat autistic.

That does not mean that it's necessarily going to happen...

...and you don't even know, for sure, if there's any history of it.

What you do know is that you're depressed.

What you need to ask yourself, at this point, is not "What kind of kid am I going to get??" That's impossible to predict in ANY timeframe, and impossible to talk about in any depth in the timeframe that is laid out by your question (ie, "Abort or continue").

What you need to ask yourself, at this point, is "Do I want to take the risks inherent in raising a kid, ANY kid, or don't I??"

The relevant question is: What are you going to regret more?? Continuing this pregnancy, and potentially raising a spectrum kid (or not)? Or aborting this pregnancy (no matter what the coat of whitewash we put on it, killing a very small child because it might be other than typical) and never knowing for sure what would have been??

My personal opinion?? Unless you just plain flat out don't want to deal with a kid at all, have the baby. You've said that, on the whole, you both like the idea of being parents-- so have the baby. No one, ever, has any guarantee of a "normal" child-- and I personally suspect that, one of these days, we're going to find out that there is no such actual thing as "normal" anyway.

My further personal opinion?? The idea that a kid with some form of autism is a fate worse than death, and any elevated risk should be grounds for abortion-- that's SICK. It's a myth, a lie, a destructive bunch of horsecrap propagated by a certain small but vocal "advocacy" group, which a lot of us hate, and which isn't advocating for ANYTHING other than validation for their own hurt feelings.

I have to struggle with this stuff too-- so this isn't a judgment against you. I look at myself-- really a pretty good, generally functional human being-- and my own kids-- really very good little human beings-- and because of the attitude that has been propagated by the media and especially said "advocacy" group, see beings that are undesirable because they are imperfect.

A therapist is making a lot of money helping me fight that attitude.

I'm probably not helping you at all.

Let it be said that I really don't think you should allow fear, depression, and a goddamn self-serving media smear campaign take you would-be child from you. But-- it's not my uterus, not my would-be child, not my life, and not my decision.

It's up to you and your husband.

Whatever you do-- I wish you all the best.

**hugs**


_________________
"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"


mrsprocrastinator
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 25 Nov 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 7

26 Nov 2013, 11:50 am

Buyer Beware, Thank you for the hugs, and yes, your post did help me think more about this. Unfortunately our next door neighbors are a couple with a low functioning autistic child, about 7 years old. They complain constantly about him, as he is non-verbal, self-abusive and requires so much attention from them. The mother has stated many times that she feels her life has been ruined. Seeing and hearing them has put an incredible amount of fear in us about having this baby. We are in a constant state of fear ever since knowing of this pregnancy, no joy at all.



EMTkid
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 22 Mar 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 269

26 Nov 2013, 2:51 pm

You have maybe a few percent more chance than anyone else, maybe not at all. None of us have any guarantees. my mother had every risk factor in the world and I was the only one of three that was autistic. MY ex husband on the other hand had zero risk factors and left me and our son because he couldn't deal with an autistic wife and autistic kid, then fathered two more. more severely impaired autistic children.

I understand that your neighbor's child has put this fear into you, but you can't transfer their situation onto you. When I was regnant with my son, I had an irrational fear that he would be born deaf. But it was no more likely than any other.

And no, you should not abort. Particularly if you are prone to depression. IT is a decision that will haunt you for the rest of your life and if you are already prone to depression it will make things much, much worse. I had a close friend that aborted because she was having severe problems with depression and family issues. After it was over, she regretted it so badly that it consumed her. She overdosed on her husband's blood pressure medicine eventually and died. Moral judgements aside, this will do things to you that you may not be ready to comprehend now or handle. Do not do it.



ASDMommyASDKid
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Oct 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,666

26 Nov 2013, 3:09 pm

I tried to post before but it seemed to disappear into the ether.

A perinatalogist is going to be a better source for percentage chances and that kind of thing. I do not know if you were referred to one for all your testing, they often are when there are risk factors involved such as age or genetic predispositions. They won't be able to give you a "yes" or "no" either but it will put the probabilities into perspective.

Also, keep in mind that autism is a spectrum with a range of outcomes, ranging from so mild as to escape diagnosis to much more severe. I don't know if they can give you odds related to severity or not, but it is something to keep in mind.

I think for your own welfare, you should get the depression addressed. The side benefit is that once you start addressing this some of the cloudy thoughts will clear, and you can make a better decision for you and your family.



cyberdad
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Feb 2011
Age: 56
Gender: Male
Posts: 34,146

27 Nov 2013, 7:26 pm

The OP appears to be posting the same topic on different threads?



thewhitrbbit
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 May 2012
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,124

30 Nov 2013, 6:16 pm

Considering no one knows the cause of autism, no one can say if you will have a child with autism or not.

Some things you can try if you decide to have the child:

1.) Make sure you are getting the vitamins and minerals your body needs.

2.) Cut out as much junk food and synthetic chemical food as possible.

3.) See about working with a personal trainer who has experience in working with pregnant women.

4.) Start seeing a therapist to work on your depression.



BuyerBeware
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,476
Location: PA, USA

30 Nov 2013, 11:25 pm

AMEN to working on the blessed depression.

Hubby SWEARS (sometimes literally, as in "in four-letter words here replaced with asterisks") that depression has caused us far more problems than Asperger's.

I SWEAR (with an equal number of four-letter words) that I wouldn't have the depression if I weren't hopelessly and profoundly screwed up...

...and he SWEARS that's the depression talking.

Round and round and round we go...

...but, in the end, he's probably right.

Whatever you do with this pregnancy, for your own sake, do something about the depression.

I will further add that depression is a terrible place to have to make a life-altering decision from. And abortion is every bit as much a life-altering decision as having a kid.

Check this thought-- and, yes, I realize it's going to sound cavalier at first glance, but think about it.

Suppose you have this child, then realize you can't cope with it.

Somewhere out there, someone is so desperate for a child to raise that they'll be thrilled to have the chance to raise him/her. Somewhere out there, someone raises profoundly autistic kids and loves doing it. So, if you have this child and realize that you just can't do it, really can't do it, absolutely can't do it, that option is still on the table.

Loves every minute of it?? Not so much-- anyone who tells you they love every minute of raising ANY kid is 1) delusional, 2) lying through their teeth, 3) looking at childrearing in retrospect, 4) giving an interview to some whitewashed parenting magazine, or 5) some and/or all of the above.

Love my kids. Other than when I think I'm the shittiest mother ever and shouldn't be allowed to care for a dog, much less raise children, I wouldn't take it back. ALL FOUR OF THEM-- from the unplanned adolescent through the potentially spectrum 6-year-old and the defiant, manipulative 4-year-old, to the utterly and completely unplanned (as in, don't-believe-the-efficacy-rate-for-condoms-or-Plan-B unplanned) angelic 18-month old.

Your neighbor, God love her, is probably more depressed than you are. Her kid has ZILCH to do with your potential kid; how she handles it has ZILCH to do with how you'd handle it should you end up in the same shoes. Hey-- MY neighbor goes to church three times a week, hits on me, doesn't know you can eat raspberries, and won't help me out of a pinch; meanwhile, I haven't been to church in a month of Sundays, haven't hit on anyone since I met my husband (including my husband, unfortunately), make salads out of dandelion greens, and tend to get myself in trouble being solicitous of strangers. What exactly do we have in common?? Well, we live on the same street, in the same state, with house numbers two digits apart.

That's about it.

You find out you can do a lot of things that you never thought you could. When you're trying to think through depression, you find yourself thinking you can't do a lot of things that you've done before. Funny how that works.

Personally, I think now is a good time to start arguing about names. :wink: We always told people we'd name it Chlamydia if it was a girl, Testiclees if it was a boy...

...and for a while I did crack wise about naming the last one Lunesta (pretty darn sure she was conceived on an Ambien Date).


_________________
"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"


screen_name
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Oct 2013
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,315

01 Dec 2013, 12:20 pm

BuyerBeware, I have the same Aspergers/Depression discussions with my husband. I think each of us really want our side validated.



OP, see someone for your depression ASAP. This person can help you address your fears of having an autistic child.


For what it's worth, I have two kids--one on the spectrum and one NT--the ASD child is easier for me.