Ladies: when do you disclose to a boyfriend? (IF at all?)

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Did you reveal Asperger's to your boyfriend?
Yes, before our first date. 38%  38%  [ 6 ]
Yes, on our first date. 0%  0%  [ 0 ]
Yes, but after we had known each other for a couple of dates 25%  25%  [ 4 ]
Yes, but only once our relationship became serious 31%  31%  [ 5 ]
No, I didn't reveal it 6%  6%  [ 1 ]
Total votes : 16

Coralie
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07 Dec 2013, 11:37 pm

I am interested in posting a profile on some online dating websites. I've never dated anyone before, due to a lack of luck rather than a lack of interest. I always wanted to find a boyfriend through natural means, i.e. not online, but I am tired of waiting...and waiting...and waiting. If you've had a boyfriend, when did you share that you have AS? I am conflicted, because while I don't exactly think I should advertise on my profile "Hi there, I have Asperger's Syndrome!," I don't want to enter a relationship with someone who won't accept this fundamental part of my identity. I can camouflage my Asperger's during brief encounters, so people don't automatically know that something is different about me, but it does tend to manifest itself more strongly when I am nervous. (And I am positive I will be very anxious on my first date!) Most people just conclude that I am just a bit of a quirky girl, and some of my friends find this appealing, but I know in a date situation I might be under more intense scrutiny. How should I breech the subject of my Asperger's? Is it wise for me to reveal it at some point?



Woodpecker
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08 Dec 2013, 3:07 am

My advice (I am a man) would be for you to not tell the gentleman/man/bloke/boy/whatever you call males now on the first date or super early in the relationship, the fact that you have AS is a deeply personal matter. While some people with AS might be happy to yell it from the rooftops, others value their privacy.

I think it would be best to tell him slightly later in the relationship, I would say that before the relationship becomes "physical" that you should tell him about it. I would say a good test is, if what you are doing involves removal of clothing, hands reaching under clothing or other things which are very intimate (things the typical adult would not do on a park bench bench in front of their parents or a police station) then the relationship is "physical".

Best of luck, I hope you find a decent man who makes you happy.


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Diagnosed under the DSM5 rules with autism spectrum disorder, under DSM4 psychologist said would have been AS (299.80) but I suspect that I am somewhere between 299.80 and 299.00 (Autism) under DSM4.


yellowtamarin
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08 Dec 2013, 4:11 am

I haven't had a boyfriend since my diagnosis, but I've generally told my dates before we meet, if we are meeting from online dating. It doesn't seem to have had any impact on my dating experience, except that I don't feel like I'm hiding something that they probably should know / would want to know.



metaldanielle
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10 Dec 2013, 12:29 pm

I told my bf before we met. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle falling for someone then being rejected when I brought it up. If they've got a problem w/ it, I'd rather know upfront.


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coffeebean
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10 Dec 2013, 4:25 pm

I think it would depend on how noticeable Asperger's is and to what extent it (negatively) impacts a woman's life. Someone with a lot of behaviors NTs view as unusual might be better off telling their boyfriend or even their date early on why they act the way they do instead of letting them guess. I can afford a bit more privacy, which I like, and bring up the subject later into the relationship when I'm more comfortable talking about personal things.



nebrets
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10 Dec 2013, 9:58 pm

When highly stressed (especially in a social/public way) I do not blend well. Even when totally relaxed and at my most "NT" behavior I have a HIGH geek/nerd "vibe".

Therefore I put it on my dating profile online. Not the first thing, but in there. I said I have AS, this does not mean I am lacking in a sense of humor as I love (Monty Python, etc, etc) or am (what ever bad preconceived notion about AS or that people make about you). It just means that I rock back and forth in my seat when I am anxious (like on a date) or excited (like on a date), I do not always make eye contact ....(yada yada public behavior symptoms).

I got many messages, few people were put off by it. I may not have received the most messages, but bleh, I was going for stable nerd. I found him and we are engaged.

NOTE: I was very scrupulous about my pictures, being me doing things, smiling, occasionally with people etc. I looked up the data mining reports from OKCupid trends to see what they had to say about what makes a picture more likely to receive messages (especially from your demographic). I also responded to most ever message even if it was a "thanks for the interest but no thanks" nonsense, this means that my profile showed that I was an active responder and guys would not feel like they should not try.

Edit: more detailed stuff on what AS is and the specifics of how I am affected came after we had a rapport.


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