The Fadeaway, Or When People Reject You W/O Rejecting You

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In case the title wasn't clear enough, here's a song that sums things up pretty well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzrKi-QNnzA

So I feel like every girl I meet thinks this is the best way to end things, at least in the early stages of dating. Needless to say, that kind of behavior is pretty frustrating for a person who isn't great at picking up on social cues, or even a person who's just optimistic enough to overlook obvious signs when hoping for the best.

That said, I can understand why people do it. You don't want to risk starting a fight or prolonging an unwanted relationship as the other party begs for a second chance, so you make a classless move just because it seems like the best of several bad options.

Anyway, what do you guys think? Is the fadeaway an acceptable way to handle things, or are people who pull it just emotional cowards? What, if anything, would you prefer?

what I would prefer very strongly is for you to change your avatar picture - I find it very upsetting.

Why you insist on having it when clearly it's very disturbing and is bound to upset other people really doesn't compute with me. Perhaps you are very self absorb and don't care about anyone else's feelings? if that is the case, then it is perfectly understandable why people would rather fade away than confront you and risk being disturbed by you further. Sorry. I mean that in general as well.

It's just a photograph that's been burned with a cigarette, as depicted in a classic film. I don't see what's so upsetting about that.

you dont have to see it to accept its upsetting someone else. I am really very upset by it and had to cover the screen with one hand to avoid seeing it in order to see and respond to your message. This is the last message you will get from me and now I will take steps to block you so I wouldn't accidentaly see this distressing image again on other threads you may choose to post on..

This is just so you can't claim that everyone fades away. This is me not fading away but telling you that your presence and lack of willingness to accommodate my needs has driven me to obliterate you from my life.

all the best to you.

Ha ha, yeah, I guess that does kind of prove that the fadeaway can be the less annoying option

I agree, I also find the avatar picture kinda disturbing.

But as for the topic.
I've had it done to me, and I've done it myself. Many people have a tendency to avoid confrontation.
Maybe it is emotional cowardice, but rather than provoke emotional outbursts with a direct confrontation, sometimes the fade away, or blowing someone off is the better option. Even if it isn't a possible situation of an emotional outburst, a discussion of the situation could result in continued association with the person that you'd rather not be around anymore.

I wouldn't know either. It doesn't help that no one bothered to explain why it's supposed to be disturbing anyway…

I hate to say this, but I find the photo disturbing as well. Thanks for the explanation of what it is (I couldn't really tell at first that it was a photograph of a burned photograph), but sometimes it's not about what something is, so much as what it looks like--to me it looks like the guy has some major facial disease or disfigurement, which I find upsetting.

With regards to the topic itself, I've been a victim of the fadeaway--then he simply disappeared and I didn't hear from him until he reappeared with another girlfriend several months later. I think he thought that it would be easier to do it that way, but in my opinion it's quite cowardly and disrespectful. If I could have a mulligan (do over), I'd want him to have been blunt with me. Just rip the band-aid off, OK?

Bluntness works better for me, because I struggle with the unwritten social cues.

I have done this to girls, and girls have done this to me.
The best explanation I can give for this behaviour is unfortunately being honest with some people (no matter how polite) will only result in drama from the other person if they can't handle rejection.
It's usually expected that with enough ignoring the person being ignored would take the hint and move on.

"Unfortunately I don't feel the same way about you."

Polite, to the point, leaves them in no doubt about where they stand, is honest, and above all is no more painful than a rejection inevitably is. Problem solved.

I dislike being on the receiving end of this, so I try not to dish it out myself. The only time I will is if I've communicated directly to the person and they still don't get it after many different methods (which is fairly rare, in my experiences).

I've tried the "unfortunately, I don't feel the same about you" thing, and it often gets taken as a challenge. Frequently, the guy says "fine, we'll just be friends," and then proceeds to inundate me with messages, emails and/or phone calls. For me, the core of a romantic relationship is about the mental connection. If I don't feel the mental connection, I'm not going to ever feel anything else. There have been times when I've felt a spark of initial connection, but it has faded quickly once I've gotten to know the person better. That's an uncomfortable situation, and the hardest to "turn off." Sometimes I feel like my only option is to say, "listen, you irritate me, I don't want to hear from you anymore!" But it would be almost impossible for me to be openly mean like that, so in those cases, I *will* just fade away.

These are NT men, mostly. This was my experience when I was on POF several years ago.

Conversely, I'm pretty sensitive to feeling like I'm unwanted (lifetime of experience, perhaps), so it doesn't take much for me to drop it if someone fades away on me. It's possible there are times when I'm a bit too hasty.....although what has happened more often is that the person I've been talking to has found someone else temporarily more interesting/willing/whatever, and then when that doesn't pan out for them, re-opens the dialogue with me.

Because I am an aspie (I need people to explain their behavior and motives to me), I go the exact opposite way. I make too much of an effort be honest and open about why I am dumping the person. I don't think that everybody needs that or cares for all of that information. In fact, the times when I just gave a short, general statement and leave it at that, things usually go better. I think that is what most people expect.

What is the difference between a friend of the opposite gender and a romantic partner? What are the expectations of an opposite sex friend in regards to how often to make contact or what to talk about? I have never understood the difference. To me, a girlfriend is simply a close friend of the opposite gender who I have sex with. That's what I expect out of a romantic relationship.