The Fadeaway, Or When People Reject You W/O Rejecting You

Page 2 of 3 [ 47 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3  Next

thewhitrbbit
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 May 2012
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,124

23 Dec 2013, 1:22 am

There's a few ideas here:

1.) Reschedule no more than 2 times. s**t can happen, but lighting doesn't strike twice.

2.) If she's not firm on the plans, and/or using a lot of "maybes" then move on.



JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

23 Dec 2013, 6:01 am

bumble wrote:
JanuaryMan wrote:
I have done this to girls, and girls have done this to me.
The best explanation I can give for this behaviour is unfortunately being honest with some people (no matter how polite) will only result in drama from the other person if they can't handle rejection.
It's usually expected that with enough ignoring the person being ignored would take the hint and move on.


It is easier if people say what the problem is...otherwise just being ignored leaves you feeling very confused and wondering what the hell you did wrong. It gives one no data to work with. Also people can be mistaken about things (I have had people reject me for things I have not done because they were told lies by someone else...another reason I hate the social world. Why on earth people have to do such things to others I do not know, what do they get from such behaviours?).

Either way it's easier to know what the genuine reasons are. If it is just that one is not attracted why not just say? Sometimes people are not attracted or compatible with each other. That is natural and is nothing to get upset over.

The problem arises when people choose to nitpick and find fault with the person or place blame instead of just saying "I am sorry, I do not feel we are a compatible match/I am just not attracted to you".

The nitpicking or blaming is what starts the 'not being able to handle rejection' off as not only is it going to hurt that they don't want to be with you (if you liked them that is, sometimes someone dumping you can be a relief or not much of a big deal at all) but now the criticism is going to add a second blow to matters.

Why hit someone with two blows just because you don't want to be with them?

All the same it is best to tell them. I find being ignored almost intolerable because I get confused by what is happening. It really upsets me.

I am much less upset by amicable break ups where the person was reasonable, tactful and didn't ignore or block me. In fact I remained on speaking terms for some time with some of my more reasonable ex's and I never went on any kind lets get revenge on them fatal attraction kind of spree. I am still on talking terms with several of them now, years later, I just don't see them much any more as peoples lives move on.

I hate the fade out thing. It leaves me frustrated with all the not know what the hell is going on. It drives me nuts as I become obsessed with finding out what the hell is happening and I just can't leave it alone. It's like mental torture. A simple explanation would end that and allow me to move on.


You sound like you're speaking as someone who has only been on the receiving end, and rejected. You are only taking into account your personal feelings and needs about rejection.
I'm speaking as someone who has been on the receiving end of this as well as done it myself. There is no "rule" as to why one should or shouldn't do this. Love and life can't be deduced to patterns or mere pandering to other people to stop them from getting hurt. In my case, rejecting the girl I did not want to date would have ended in them causing a lot of problems for me and a couple of family members. In the cases where I was avoided or blown off, I simply wasn't good enough or not that interesting to the girls. I've learned to live with that, and others should do the same. The thing is you could try fixing what it is the girl didn't like you for but then you're tailoring yourself for a girl that has already rejected you. It's better just to move on.



CrinklyCrustacean
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 22 Mar 2009
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,284

23 Dec 2013, 6:14 am

JanuaryMan wrote:
You sound like you're speaking as someone who has only been on the receiving end, and rejected. You are only taking into account your personal feelings and needs about rejection.
I'm speaking as someone who has been on the receiving end of this as well as done it myself. There is no "rule" as to why one should or shouldn't do this. Love and life can't be deduced to patterns or mere pandering to other people to stop them from getting hurt.

True, but I suspect that in a lot of cases the fading out or whatever is done exactly to prevent the other person getting hurt, when in fact it can (not necessarily always, I grant you that) end up causing more pain than telling them straight up, "Sorry, I'm not interested". I could be wrong, but I think this is what bumble is getting at.



JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

23 Dec 2013, 6:52 am

CrinklyCrustacean wrote:
JanuaryMan wrote:
You sound like you're speaking as someone who has only been on the receiving end, and rejected. You are only taking into account your personal feelings and needs about rejection.
I'm speaking as someone who has been on the receiving end of this as well as done it myself. There is no "rule" as to why one should or shouldn't do this. Love and life can't be deduced to patterns or mere pandering to other people to stop them from getting hurt.

True, but I suspect that in a lot of cases the fading out or whatever is done exactly to prevent the other person getting hurt, when in fact it can (not necessarily always, I grant you that) end up causing more pain than telling them straight up, "Sorry, I'm not interested". I could be wrong, but I think this is what bumble is getting at.
Yes, if the situation is such that the person they'd be rejecting is at worst going to be upset about it I don't see why someone shouldn't be honest. It's not that hard.



Hooraydiation
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 9 Nov 2013
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 68

23 Dec 2013, 8:11 am

The Fadeaway can actually hurt more. Unreturned messages and cancelled plans hurt, in addition to wasting your time. Also, it's mortifying to realize after the fact that someone was just playing along and looking for a convenient exit while you were taking emotional risks and putting yourself out there.

If you knew the exact moment someone gave up on you, you'd know when to stop and save yourself from a lot of embarrassment.

However, I don't think the worst case scenario for the fader is the other person just becoming upset. There are a lot of horror stories out there of people just throwing tantrums or even getting dangerous, and while you may be sure you wouldn't respond that way the fader might not know that himself/herself.

And ultimately they're trying to get you out of their life, so of course they'll care more about their own well being than your own feelings.



Alternative
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 29 Jun 2006
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,341

23 Dec 2013, 9:02 am

I actually chuckled at OP's name (due to my often dark sense of humour), and know where the avatar comes from. :wink:

I've had this a lot. People are nice to me, and being too scared to be honest (something I'm genuinely fine with and prefer), they slowly out me out of their life, by slowly stopping to talk to me and then just block me (if via the internet) or blank me in the real world.

It's their choice. I can hardly force them to stay friends with me, and all I'm doing is being my honest, kind-hearted self.



TheDoctor82
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Feb 2008
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,400
Location: Sandusky, Ohio

25 Dec 2013, 4:43 pm

to sum it up, it sounds like they're saying people just don't handle breaking up with others well. Got it.



Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 45,472
Location: Houston, Texas

29 Dec 2013, 6:55 pm

As for the OP's avatar, it almost looks like the tar-laden area of a smoker's lung.

It also resembles the opening credits to Bonanza, where the map of the Ponderosa Ranch area burns out from the center outward.


_________________
Who’s better at math than a robot? They’re made of math!

Now proficient in ChatGPT!


Zodai
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Oct 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,023
Location: Walnut Creek/Concord, California

29 Dec 2013, 7:13 pm

I think the issue with the avatar is that most people don't realize it's a picture and rather look at it like a horribly disfigured face.

I'd prefer just getting told, but not in any sort of a yelling way Q_Q


_________________
If you believe in anything, believe in yourself. Only then will your life remain your own.

Author/Writer


sketches
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 24 Mar 2009
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 326
Location: Everywhere you want to be

29 Dec 2013, 7:25 pm

Eureka13 wrote:
I've tried the "unfortunately, I don't feel the same about you" thing, and it often gets taken as a challenge. Frequently, the guy says "fine, we'll just be friends," and then proceeds to inundate me with messages, emails and/or phone calls. For me, the core of a romantic relationship is about the mental connection. If I don't feel the mental connection, I'm not going to ever feel anything else. There have been times when I've felt a spark of initial connection, but it has faded quickly once I've gotten to know the person better. That's an uncomfortable situation, and the hardest to "turn off."

Dittooooo. :|

Quote:
Sometimes I feel like my only option is to say, "listen, you irritate me, I don't want to hear from you anymore!" But it would be almost impossible for me to be openly mean like that, so in those cases, I *will* just fade away.

^ Ditto. :?

Quote:
[...] it doesn't take much for me to drop it if someone fades away on me. It's possible there are times when I'm a bit too hasty.....although what has happened more often is that the person I've been talking to has found someone else temporarily more interesting/willing/whatever, and then when that doesn't pan out for them, re-opens the dialogue with me.

Same. >.<;;

I have nothing further to add at this point.


_________________
~


Hooraydiation
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 9 Nov 2013
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 68

29 Dec 2013, 8:55 pm

For me, the most significant harm of the fadeaway is that you don't find out why the other person is ditching you, so it's harder to learn from your mistakes.



aspiemike
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,287
Location: Canada

29 Dec 2013, 9:36 pm

Hooraydiation wrote:
For me, the most significant harm of the fadeaway is that you don't find out why the other person is ditching you, so it's harder to learn from your mistakes.


There are a lot of people who have stated the reasons why they do it. And there are plenty of people in the world that will simply feel the silent treatment should give you the hint. They are telling you "I don't have any interest in you, but I dont want to tell you this. I'm hoping my not replying to you will give you the hint to go away." This is a perfectly acceptable thing as far as society sees it if it happens early on during the courting process.

Down the road when a relationship gets more serious, I will agree that this shows a serious lack of respect and lack of tact/social skills. If they are seeing someone else, I would argue that it shows disloyalty and a lack of integrity on their part. In return, you lose your faith in that partner.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 130 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 88 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


sepia
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jul 2004
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 346
Location: N.London

31 Dec 2013, 11:26 am

thewhitrbbit wrote:
There's a few ideas here:

1.) Reschedule no more than 2 times. sh** can happen, but lighting doesn't strike twice.

2.) If she's not firm on the plans, and/or using a lot of "maybes" then move on.


blimey twr, by your 2 rules i might never get a date again!
as well as high functioning autism, i have a connective tissue disorder and as a result, my energy levels are quite erratic.
this means that i have to leave plans a bit more open.

it is reasonable to ask for consideration though and sometimes i do also say to people that i have trouble reading between the lines and that i'd usually prefer for them to be quite upfront with me where at all possible.



MjrMajorMajor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Jan 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,714

31 Dec 2013, 11:33 am

I just assume I made a misstep, or missed something that would be obvious to anyone else. The best thing seems to just focus on other things, and accept it. :shrug:



Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 45,472
Location: Houston, Texas

31 Dec 2013, 11:40 am

To me, what's worse than the rejection is that it creates a feeling that there's something wrong with me.


_________________
Who’s better at math than a robot? They’re made of math!

Now proficient in ChatGPT!


aspiemike
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 8 Jul 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,287
Location: Canada

31 Dec 2013, 12:49 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
To me, what's worse than the rejection is that it creates a feeling that there's something wrong with me.


If I or anyone else here could help.. In what way do you normally get rejected?


_________________
Your Aspie score: 130 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 88 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie