Romantic Feelings Towards Friends

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Hooraydiation
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22 Dec 2013, 7:30 am

Needless to say, I'm sure that most people have experienced this at one time or another. You develop feelings for another, but that person is already involved in a relationship with someone else.

My question is, exactly what is the best way to behave in this sort of situation?

I met a woman about a year ago, and in addition to finding her attractive I was thrilled to find that we shared the same sense of humor along with an array of interests. She had been and still is dating and living with a long term boyfriend, though, and so instead of expressing any romantic feelings towards her I decided to simply become her friend. I now don't have any expectation that we will ever become romantically involved, because she seems pretty satisfied with her relationship and it is such a major part of her life that I doubt it will ever end.

Now in many cases I think it's inappropriate to become friends with someone you have romantic feelings for, but I don't think that applies here. To me the problem is when one uses friendship as an intermediary step towards dating, as if the friendship. itself only had value as a means to an end. In my case, however, I really am satisfied by the friendship, so much so that even if I had the chance to date the woman I would hesitate to risk the friendship. It's really nice to have a friend who shares my attitude and passions, more so because being an aspie makes it hard to relate to people, and I wouldn't want to lose that.

However, part of me wonders if I'm not still misrepresenting myself to my friend by not letting her know that I have feelings for her, even if doing so would ruin the friendship. If you're really good friends with people, then you're supposed to know a lot about each other including how you both feel. That being the case, can two people really be friends when one of them is holding back something as significant as romantic feelings? I may not be misrepresenting my intentions as a friend, since I'm not using the friendship as bridge to dating, but perhaps I'm still misrepresenting myself as a friend.

I guess my worry is that I've met someone I really like, but that circumstances are such that I can neither date her nor become a true friend to her, even though I feel uniquely close to her. What do you guys think? When romantic feelings are involved, is friendship truly possible? Can you be a friend to someone while also concealing part of how you feel about that person?



Last edited by Hooraydiation on 23 Dec 2013, 5:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

jerry00
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22 Dec 2013, 7:59 am

Just continue being her friend, she'll probably find out on her own that you like her, you can't hide it forever.


If she's the only person you feel so close to, it's going to be quite obvious to her and her friends.

You don't have to say anything or do anything just see what happens.



Hooraydiation
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22 Dec 2013, 8:11 am

It's not so much that she's the only person I feel close to. I actually have closer friends, who mean much more to me.

It's just that the closeness I feel to her is unique. There was this spark of recognition, such that even before I really got to know her I felt like there was some important similarity between her and I. I don't know if she felt the same, though.



Marky9
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22 Dec 2013, 10:21 am

If I recall correctly, feelings of sparks of recognition and similarity can be symptoms of limerence. I have been down that path more times that I can count. I try now to just stand apart from them, allow myself to be bemused by my feelings, and do my best not to act on them unless there is clear reciprocity. If there is, I then prepare myself for one heck of a roller-coaster ride as the other person and I discover who and what we each really are.


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Hooraydiation
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22 Dec 2013, 10:51 am

I wasn't aware of the term limerence before, but now that I've looked it up it does describe something I experienced in high school and college that had a hugely negative effect on me.

I don't know that it describes my current situation, but perhaps it could at least turn into that if I'm not careful. I'll try to keep what you said in mind, so thanks for bringing it to my attention.



hurtloam
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22 Dec 2013, 4:05 pm

Not everything is black and white. I think that this sort of thing happens all of the time and no one admits it. She doesn't need to know how you feel. You are not decieving her.

The thing you need to ask yourself is are you so attached to her that it will stop you from persuing a meaningful relationship with someone else should the opportunity arise. I ask because that happened to me. I was so enthralled with this person who was not available that I missed an opportunity with someone who did care about me and who was available because I was so hung up on the special connection with this person I couldn't have.

Eventually I realised that the best thing for my mental health would be to distance myself from him. It took me years to let go, but I think I am finally able to move on to something real and more healthy for me.

I realise our situations may be different, but this is how I handled what happened to me. You need to look after yourself more than you need to be truthful to her.



Hooraydiation
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22 Dec 2013, 4:13 pm

The high school/college situation did have that effect on me, discouraging me from seeking relationships with others, but that's not the case here. I'm attracted to this girl, but since I don't expect her to become available I'm still talking to other girls and going on dates.

I also think that I'll probably be less attracted to her when/if I find someone to start a relationship with. I'm kind of lonely right now, and I think that makes me more inclined to see people as potential romantic partners even if they aren't actually available.



hurtloam
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22 Dec 2013, 4:18 pm

I think it sound like you are going about things the right way already. You're not so hung up on her that you aren't moving on with your life. You are realistic and you know that she is not available and you aren't kidding yourself about any unrealistic expectations.

If nothings broke, don't fix it.



buffinator
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22 Dec 2013, 6:38 pm

If you are anything like me than a large part of your friendship is being driven by subconscious (or suppressed) desire for a sexual relationship.
If you ever admit that and it is not reciprocated you will be blacklisted.

Just because a girl is in a relationship does not mean she is off the market, but if you are slow (i.e. no moves in the first month or so) it's extremely hit or miss if you can make a move that will stick because you will be filed into an inescapable emotional box.

2 examples: ** = thesis
best friend in college was a girl who I really liked (and really wanted to f**k). But since it was clear I wasn't getting any traction I decided to be fine with "just friends." Pass 6-7 months and I decide that I cant take it anymore and admit my feelings too her... well thats one way to lose a best friend. After summer break I tried to reconnect and she was interested in hanging out but I no longer found her attractive and... for some reason didn't find her jokes funny, stories interesting, or opinions particularly compelling... HMMMM!! ! Wonder why! After that I let the friendship drop.
** intense friendship with a crush is really just redirected pent up sexual energy.

Conversely, One of my buddies had a GF who transferred from an all-girls school to our school who I really liked. She was dropping signals now and again (including once offering to "teach me about sex" in front of her BF, who clearly didn't realize he was in an open relationship). I decided that I valued the friendship of both of them more than the opportunity to temporarily f**k her... at first. She had epilepsy and one day the guy had received a strobe light as a gift and I was walking with her to his room and she collapsed in the doorway and I pulled her out into the hall. This f*****g douche seemed to care more about his fun being ruined and my actions than the fact that he had caused his gf to have a seizure. I instructed him to either get rid of the strobe light or I would happily allow him to break up with his GF and take her: he broke up with her (WTF). I took her back to my room and thinking that she would likely have a migraine gave her some aspirin, laid her down on the bed, turned down the lights and... told her she should take a nap until she feels better... (D'OH). In my mind this was the correct behavior but I later found out that I was supposed to f**k her (from her). At the time it didn't even occur to me that that was an option due to the recent "breakup" and not understanding... anything, really. Anywho because I didnt give the right energy she thought I wasn't interested in her and when her BF came to his senses and apologized she got back together with him and they stayed together for 7 years. (she recently posted "long term relationships suck" which makes me think that they are now broken up.)
** Girls in relationships can be on the market as long as you recognize the signs and act quickly and decisively, but it's a limited time offer.



Hooraydiation
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22 Dec 2013, 7:29 pm

In this case, the girl and her boyfriend have been together for years and share a lease with each other. There's some friction between them, but they're also enmeshed in other's lives to such a degree that I'd only expect them to separate following some kind of personal cataclysm, like cheating or one of them having to take a job in a different state.

Needless to say, I wouldn't want her to go through something like that, much less position myself to be the cause of a personal drama that could leave her without a place to live and alienated from all of their mutual friends. Furthermore, I doubt that any relationship that might emerge from the fallout would be long lived.

I think the only way she and I could get together is if their relationship ended for reasons of their own, and on such amicable terms that I wouldn't have to worry about seeming like I was taking advantage of a bad situation.





Now if they'd lived separately, I would've let her know I was attracted to her within a few weeks of meeting her. That probably wouldn't have worked, but at the time it'd have seemed worth the risk.



buffinator
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22 Dec 2013, 9:19 pm

that misses the point of the second story (and left out details of the first). Sometimes us aspies are a little too empathetic / concerned for others welfare for our own good. I've learned over time that I need to be more Machiavellian because making other people's decisions for them to my own detriment is demeaning to myself and the other person. Obviously use your own judgement, but in story 2 I was convinced that there would be massive social fallout from cheating with a floor-mate's GF, but later when a guy did it few actually cared and the jilted BF lost social equity instead. (my floor was like a social club which was nice). I also thought that couple was a great match and didn't want to break it up because I thought that once the guy matured a bit they would be happy. I was concerned that I would ruin their potential for happiness by interfering, but that was bulshit because if she was truly happy she wouldn't have wanted to cheat!

Make your own decision. I don't know if I made the right decision or not. I know I made the decision within my morals and that I would have hated myself if I had violated my morals and caused harm. I know I also denied myself what could have been a very good situation for myself and that I haven't met anyone I was as compatible with as her since! In terms of my current social situation I denied myself an opportunity to develop social skills needed for LTR's and dating in general. The fact that they are now broken up makes me sad, because they lasted 7 years and their families were very upset by the breakup (yay Facebook stalking).

I feel like I played a critical role in keeping them together (later event, not detailed) but on the other hand events which are very meaningful to me are often completely forgotten by NT's (though these two were likely both somewhat aspie or at least hipster which is almost as bad). One of the main reasons I argued she should stay with him is he was skilled in her major and between him and his roomie she would have awesome resources for get a software engineering degree, whereas I was on path to fail out. She now works in the field and I'm a dropout with no clear path so idk. the other thing that this was/ would have been a college relationship which can be notoriously fickle (especially for the sexually repressed catholic school girl).

My suggestion is to do what is best for you. Do what you can live with and look in the mirror and be proud. If you decide not to pursue your crush you might say that you did the moral thing. If you pursue your crush and you do get the girl and ride off into the sunset together you can look in the mirror and see the romantic. If you falter and disrupt her life and leave yourself lonely you may not like what you see in the mirror. Is it worth the risk? What is the risk? How important are the consequences to her to you? Are you being obsessive or is there something there? Who are you? What would your mental concept of "you"ness do? Failure is a part of life and the fear of failure equates to a fear of living in my mind.

Then again it is easy to say that when the choice isn't mine and I don't have to suffer the consequences.



thewhitrbbit
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23 Dec 2013, 1:19 am

What good would sharing do other than cause stress?



FrankiDelano
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23 Dec 2013, 4:09 pm

In all honesty dude the best thing I believe you can do in this situation is just leave it to the hand of fates.

I'm going through a similar situation, except the girl I want to date isn't as into her boyfriend as the girl your talking about is. I just woke up one morning and I decided that I can't really be the one who decides if we're going to fall in love or not, it's pretty much up to her. Your girl sounds like she may have already made the decision on who she wants her life partner to be, and sadly it's not you it's him, I mean you could try to spark something between the two of ya's try to engage in a romantic affair one might say, but this isn't always the best thing to do, especially since your girl is already very in love with the other man. Now I'm going to try to convince my girl this next coming year to get rid of her current boyfriend in favor of dating me, but I would feel bad if they were going out for years, but since she's only been going out with him for around a year and has only really been seeing him only about every two days out of a week I don't feel like I'm breaking up a serious romantic commitment. But you man your in one of the most f****d situations I've seen, an I bet it just tears at you on the inside, but it's ok man your probably fighting other battles I know nothing about, this is just simply the battleground of love, the only one that can take all your positiveness and just completely f**k it into the ground. Like I said I really don't know what you can do in this situation, you're just going to have to wait it out I guess, lest you feel instant action necessary (i.e. her boyfriend is abusing, mistreating, or cheating on her), but above all man don't give up. If not her I'm sure there has to be some other girl out there designed especially for you, it's hard to believe but I have hope, hope that will you find love and conquer the battleground in the name of your own victory over the emotion of love!