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DevilKisses
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25 Jan 2014, 6:07 am

I usually change myself in the inside. Most of my inside changes aren't noticeable until a few years later. I do a bit of acting, but most of the "acting" I do is just being polite.


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droppy
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25 Jan 2014, 7:03 am

I have never "faked it". I don't know how to.
I think that if I tried it would just make it worse and look like a "creep". Whenever I'm in a good mood, laugh and talk a lot with people I know others say I am creepy and I think that if I tried to act "like others" if I knew how to I'd look even creepier.
I can't do stuff other gals my age do like dressing "sexy" and going to bars/parties getting drunk and being offered drinks by guys because I am too paranoid and I think that if I ever did that I'd end up being abused/getting pregnant since I'm slow and distracted.



BirdInFlight
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25 Jan 2014, 7:32 am

I think "fake" isn't really the right word, and I strongly relate to those who speak of having to modify behavior for survival.

When a person is forced one way or another to make their way in the world, get and keep gainful employment, get along with people because if they don't there are negative consequences that could cost them their ability to keep a roof over their head, pay bills, stay independent, etc, then there is an understandable feeling of pressure to not rock any boats.

For example, I'm self employed and much of what makes people want to hire me is not just my ability to do the work, but also whether or not they think they like me and can stand to have me around for long periods of time. When I first meet a client, if I let myself be my "real" self in however I'm feeling that day, they are very likely going to get a first impression that I'm unfriendly, depressed, don't say much, and they might also feel creeped out by me. I wouldn't be hired, even though I know I'm the same person with qualities of ethical behavior, reliability, hardworking, etc.

But people operate an awful lot on not just WHAT you can do but what you're like to deal with, unfortunately.

So, in my opinion, I HAVE to turn up the volume on the naturally friendly and outgoing parts of me that I do have inside but which might not come out so clearly if I didn't consciously push them out.

So, to me, that's not "faking" in the true sense, because I feel that the traits I "push out" are truly part of me, it's just that they need a stronger push forward, even when I'm not in the mood.

Same with things like dealing with landlords. I will never own my own home because I have never been able to have high earning power or deal with working fulltime hours. So I have to rent an apartment.

When you rent, although you have legal rights, you're basically in a lot more precarious a position than if you own your own home. You need to not piss off your landlord or managers in any dealings with them. You need to not piss off neighbors. I'm not saying you have to go out of your way to kiss ass, but you do have to mind your Ps and Qs to a certain reasonable extent.

If I really was my full real self at some of my lowest ebbs around these people too, life could feel uncomfortable for me.

With one manager of the apartment complex I was in, once, I did in fact throw a total hissy fit in his office, a very Aspergian meltdown although I had no clue that's what it really was at the time. They had claimed my rent check hadn't arrived one time (I always mailed it) and I stormed in there in full-on, unvarnished anger, instead of "faking" dealing with it like a nice, NT grown up sorting out a misunderstanding.

Guess what? This guy so hated me for that, that later when I was having problems with a noisy neighbor -- again really it's my own sensitivity to noise that got me so riled up against the neighbor -- that instead of taking my side, the manager evicted ME.

You can bet that I had lost brownie points with him right back during that meltdown where I did not handle the missing rent check with aplomb.

I lost the roof over my head because I let too much of how I really feel and react out into the open with the wrong people, who had the power to affect my life if they were freaked out by me.

So, there are situations in life where in order to survive, you HAVE TO modulate your natural reactions or behaviors. It's not faking, it's taking care that you don't incur detrimental consequences for yourself.

I was out on my own in the world very suddenly, straight from a very cossetted, sheltered life with my parents. I had to sink or swim. I had to stop being withdrawn, shy, unable to speak up for myself in the correct way, just in order to stay in work and keep a roof over my head.

It would be great if everyone in the world could just be themselves without consequences. But unfortunately even the NT world doesn't work that way, and to an extent everyone has to fake somethings in order not to jeopardize being able to support themselves.

I do agree with AsPartOfMe, however, that there are consequences to "faking," too.

Sadly that is true, there is a psychological price to pay. It's exhausting to be friendly and polite when I feel like just staying in my own world. It's draining to deal with the outside world because I need to get out there and work, when all I want to do is stay home with my special interests. But nobody's going to just hand me independent wealth, so that's what I have to do.

.



skibum
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25 Jan 2014, 8:37 am

Sometimes I fake it but most times I don't. I know that I mimic social behavior a lot but I don't think I am actually faking that because it is genuine mimicry. If that makes any sense at all. But I can get overwhelmed and exhausted socially and easily so there are times when I do fake it just to get through the situation. I try not to fake it too much any more though because that kind of fatigue adds up,


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bumble
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25 Jan 2014, 9:09 am

I don't know how people can do this. I am not able to even if I want to. Social interaction is too exhausting for me and there is no way I can keep the charade up for long enough to pass as normal. I simply get too tired and then end up having one of my upsets or going to bed due to sheer exhaustion (all I can do is sleep, I can't function even if I want to, my brain just won't process anything, even my wonderful hobbies).

I tried really hard and people say that I don't want to change but it's actually more a case of can't.

All the social interaction also really upsets my routines and I can't function without them. Even with them I can have trouble getting things done or functioning (such as remembering to pay bills, getting to appointments, getting housework done and so on).

Plus I miss my hobby time as my hobby time is incredibly theraputic for me. It can even lift my mood if I am depressed and take the edge off any suicidal thoughts I may be having. The last time I was feeling suicidal I stayed because I didn't want to leave my cross stitch collection behind before having had a chance to stitch the nearly 100 or so kits I own! Not to mention all the charts I have to work with. I know that probably sounds really weird but this is me and I can't be anybody else it seems, even if I try :lol:



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25 Jan 2014, 9:19 am

I understand and agree, BirdInFlight.

I have always known that I was different, but I thought that was to do with individual difference, not part of a larger pattern.

In any case, it was evident from early childhood that t was often best to hide the things that might draw ridicule or verbal or physical attacks.

So hiding, rather than faking, was the way I thought of this.

The older I got the more wrapped up this became in my 'normal' behavior.

When I was in high school imrealized that I would never have any friends if I didn't go against my nature and try really hard to go out into the social world of others and do the things with them that would create the situations and interactions out of which friendship can grow. I had some rules that helped to overcome my natural instincts, like never to turn down an invitation to do something with others.

So I became a social person by faking it. I met my wife in those years.

When I was in college, I realized that my relationships with professors were suffering because they did not like aspects of the way I expressed myself. This showed up in grades. So I did very carefully, very deliberately "fake it" to change my relationship with those teachers. It worked.

Later, I had to put on a professional persona in order to get a job. But in the world I was working in that was required of everybody, so that just seemed to go with the territory.

So I became an employed person by faking it. I think everyone, no exception for NTs, has to do this, to some extent. The difference is that I was layering the professional persona onto the constructed social person, hiding the whole time.

The thing is, I have now worked for decades and raised a family.

I did those things. They are my achievement, even though I have been trying to hide, faking a social nature and maintaining a professional persona.

I feel like those behaviors are tools and I am like a carpenter. Is the fine joinery not mine because I used saws and chisels instead of my fingernails?


On the other hand, I have had problems with burning out. And there have been times when I just couldn't do it. This has cost me: threatened my employment, lost me promotion. And I have had many moments of confusion about where the faking and hiding stop. I recognize something of myself in the description of those female aspies who don't see the edges of the role and the actor. I am more than a little burnt out now.

So, I have mixed feelings about this. Without faking it, as far as I can see, I would have no friends, no marriage, no children, no job and would likely have succumbed to the intense depression and suicidal thoughts and plans that dominated my life before those years of desperate experimentation in high school.

I wish I had known about autism when I was young. I think I would have been able to strike a good balance between compensating by hiding and faking and really going after my interests that would have resulted in more happiness and success. On the other hand, I have accomplished a lot by improvising in ignorance.



bumble
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25 Jan 2014, 9:37 am

BirdInFlight wrote:
I think "fake" isn't really the right word, and I strongly relate to those who speak of having to modify behavior for survival.

When a person is forced one way or another to make their way in the world, get and keep gainful employment, get along with people because if they don't there are negative consequences that could cost them their ability to keep a roof over their head, pay bills, stay independent, etc, then there is an understandable feeling of pressure to not rock any boats.

For example, I'm self employed and much of what makes people want to hire me is not just my ability to do the work, but also whether or not they think they like me and can stand to have me around for long periods of time. When I first meet a client, if I let myself be my "real" self in however I'm feeling that day, they are very likely going to get a first impression that I'm unfriendly, depressed, don't say much, and they might also feel creeped out by me. I wouldn't be hired, even though I know I'm the same person with qualities of ethical behavior, reliability, hardworking, etc.

But people operate an awful lot on not just WHAT you can do but what you're like to deal with, unfortunately.

So, in my opinion, I HAVE to turn up the volume on the naturally friendly and outgoing parts of me that I do have inside but which might not come out so clearly if I didn't consciously push them out.

So, to me, that's not "faking" in the true sense, because I feel that the traits I "push out" are truly part of me, it's just that they need a stronger push forward, even when I'm not in the mood.

Same with things like dealing with landlords. I will never own my own home because I have never been able to have high earning power or deal with working fulltime hours. So I have to rent an apartment.

When you rent, although you have legal rights, you're basically in a lot more precarious a position than if you own your own home. You need to not piss off your landlord or managers in any dealings with them. You need to not piss off neighbors. I'm not saying you have to go out of your way to kiss ass, but you do have to mind your Ps and Qs to a certain reasonable extent.

If I really was my full real self at some of my lowest ebbs around these people too, life could feel uncomfortable for me.

With one manager of the apartment complex I was in, once, I did in fact throw a total hissy fit in his office, a very Aspergian meltdown although I had no clue that's what it really was at the time. They had claimed my rent check hadn't arrived one time (I always mailed it) and I stormed in there in full-on, unvarnished anger, instead of "faking" dealing with it like a nice, NT grown up sorting out a misunderstanding.

Guess what? This guy so hated me for that, that later when I was having problems with a noisy neighbor -- again really it's my own sensitivity to noise that got me so riled up against the neighbor -- that instead of taking my side, the manager evicted ME.

You can bet that I had lost brownie points with him right back during that meltdown where I did not handle the missing rent check with aplomb.

I lost the roof over my head because I let too much of how I really feel and react out into the open with the wrong people, who had the power to affect my life if they were freaked out by me.


I agree this is not the same a being fake. A desire to be friendly and polite is part of my natural self. IE I have trouble keeping social interactions going if they go on for too long but am able to manage formal polite or even friendly/semi formal polite for short bursts before having to disappear somewhere to recharge. To me being considerate is natural to me as I don't like hurting peoples feelings, so moderating my behaviour out of consideration is not being fake or suppressing how I really feel.

I am actually very congenial or try to be as I like to see people happy and I prefer friendly peaceful atmospheres (life is too short for all the horrible drama and negativity that seems to prevail out there)

Where I fall short socially is that I cannot keep social interactions going on for long periods of time for various reasons which combine to amount to sheer exhaustion. Also, outside of formal polite, I struggle to know what I am supposed to be doing socially so can find myself standing alone and stuck...I don't want to upset people by barging in so instead I err on the side of caution which makes people think I am being unfriendly. There is not a lot I can do about this as when I do barge in I end up with people thinking I am weird instead. I seem to be damned if I do and damned if I don't and nothing I do seems to make any real difference. I always think I am giving out one signal but people are reading another which further confuses things as well. This means I am constantly shocked by peoples reactions to me which I find rather upsetting and which can trigger one of my upsets, especially when people start attacking me and I don't even know what the hell I did wrong!! !!

I know I don't irritate people on purpose. Unfortunately my social problems are a mixture of not being able to keep up with social obligations due to the amount of energy it takes out of me and a tendency to get it very wrong without realising I am doing it.

Quote:

So, there are situations in life where in order to survive, you HAVE TO modulate your natural reactions or behaviors. It's not faking, it's taking care that you don't incur detrimental consequences for yourself.

I was out on my own in the world very suddenly, straight from a very cossetted, sheltered life with my parents. I had to sink or swim. I had to stop being withdrawn, shy, unable to speak up for myself in the correct way, just in order to stay in work and keep a roof over my head.

It would be great if everyone in the world could just be themselves without consequences. But unfortunately even the NT world doesn't work that way, and to an extent everyone has to fake somethings in order not to jeopardize being able to support themselves.

I do agree with AsPartOfMe, however, that there are consequences to "faking," too.

Sadly that is true, there is a psychological price to pay. It's exhausting to be friendly and polite when I feel like just staying in my own world. It's draining to deal with the outside world because I need to get out there and work, when all I want to do is stay home with my special interests. But nobody's going to just hand me independent wealth, so that's what I have to do.

.


I am not able to support myself due to my social problems and am presently on disability. I am considering self employment but it is finding something I am able to do in regards to having to work with other people.



EmeraldGreen
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25 Jan 2014, 10:42 am

billiscool wrote:
yeah,but I come off as a college stoner


Same here! :P People just think I'm a ditz.


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25 Jan 2014, 10:46 am

The past few years, I think i'm almost there. But what I experience as me trying to be normal, trying to live and be happy, I believe others sense as me acting, and they seem not to want me around. I really try to follow the social rules, but trying harder, I bump into that there's nothing left to really care about the other person. I wouldn't want to be around someone who is more focused on acting normal than me, either. I haven't figured this out yet, but yes, I often feel I am faking it. I wonder, though, how much is my struggle, how much is that I'm trying really hard to do what people say they want, and they say they want me to act normal.

Maybe I am too literal about this. Maybe people say they want normal, typical behavior, but sense the effort and what they're really after isn't acting it's me being normal and typical. Which isn't really quite the case 100% of the time. I do sense frequently that people don't know what to do if I am different or surprise them, I do believe it is often typical people who perceive me as faking more than I do myself, when I'm trying to follow social rules, be nice, make others comfortable, connect in positive ways. And when I sense that others think I'm faking it, which happens when I seem unusual to them, I start thinking it must be the case, not really trusting my social judgment because I've heard so many times that it's off that I've come to believe that.

I don't know whether any of that made sense, whether anyone can relate to this or whether it seems at all valid?



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25 Jan 2014, 10:56 am

I'm not too sure what I do to be honest.


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25 Jan 2014, 11:37 am

This might sound a little weird, but I've never been able to "fake" being an NT. Not sure why, I just always found social interaction too exhausting to be able to keep it up for very long. :(
I can't help being me, though, so I guess it's just something you have to learn to accept eventually.


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25 Jan 2014, 1:17 pm

I think I do try and pretend to be interested when someone is telling me stuff that's like of an adult or emotional nature. I don't call that faking it though, I'd rather call it trying to be an adult when really I'm a child. I lose my concentration quick though.

I'd rather talk about my BMX.


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EmeraldGreen
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25 Jan 2014, 1:30 pm

Yes, instead of "faking it" though I would rather cal it "trying to minimize outward displays of weirdness in public or at work......." It's pretty easy to pass as NT if you don'display your true urges and feelings, right? Just shut up and be quiet. :oops:


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skibum
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25 Jan 2014, 2:26 pm

EmeraldGreen wrote:
Yes, instead of "faking it" though I would rather cal it "trying to minimize outward displays of weirdness in public or at work......." It's pretty easy to pass as NT if you don'display your true urges and feelings, right? Just shut up and be quiet. :oops:
That is great! I like that. It works too.


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25 Jan 2014, 2:51 pm

People think I'm faking it when I have trouble communicating, and then I feel I am faking it because I'm used to trying to go along, and that's how everyone starts acting---like I'm pretending, or not there at all. As others are saying, I start out just trying to make others comfortable.



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25 Jan 2014, 2:53 pm

Lumi wrote:
Not really able to.