SO frustrated with dating, and therapy isn't an option

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diniesaur
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02 Feb 2014, 1:32 am

I've posted about this a couple of times before--my irrational fear of dating. The psycho I'd been dating for 2.5 years tried to kill me and now, almost four years later, I'm STILL afraid to date again. People have asked me to date them, confessed crushes for me, and asked why I'm single--hell, I'VE had crushes and noticed strong feelings for people. But whenever I'm confronted with the possibility of me dating I get this crippling anxiety. Sometimes I get MAD, sometimes I get panic attacks...and it has to stop.

I don't have access to therapy and I don't want to wait around suffering and bugging people--I need to DO something about this. But nothing I found on the internet has helped me. I'm not afraid of rejection or commitment; I'm afraid of being abused or manipulated or MURDERED. And I can't just expose myself to my fear by dating someone while I'm still afraid...it's not fair to me or the other person, and I can't possibly have a healthy relationship if I'm dating someone just to get over a fear. Besides, right now probably isn't the best time for me to be in a relationship.

I don't know what else to do. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this right now. My friends have all heard the rant before, and they've helped me all they can. I need some resources or advice on how to get rid of this fear in a healthy way, without having to date someone. It's been almost FOUR YEARS...this can't continue. I know people who've had much worse--been RAPED and stuff--and still gone back to dating within half a year. I'm tired of these panic attacks.

Does anyone have any advice about how to get rid of this or where to look for resources on how to deal with it? Like I said, I don't have access to therapy right now so I need something else--something safe and reputable and healthy, that will help. If you need any more information, just let me know.



hurtloam
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02 Feb 2014, 11:15 am

I think the way that you feel is perfectly understandable considering the trauma you have experienced.

One thing i noticed, which I think shows the quality of your character is that you don't want to use someone else to overcome your fear.[i] That is kind of you, but consider this, each time someone enters into a new relationship they bring their past experiences with them. No one enters a new relationship with a clean slate. The person you begin dating may not feel like they are being used. They may just like you and want to spend time with you. Everyone enters a new relationship knowing that it may or may not work out. That is why you spend that time getting to know each other, so that you can find out whether you want to continue the relationship with each other or not.

No one knows at the outset of a relationship whether it will work out or not. It is impossible to know.

If you started dating someone you didn't like at all, then that would be using them, but if you genuinely like the other person and want to get to know them better, then you are not using them.

Also don't compare yourself to other people. Others may have jumped into dating alot more quickly than you have after a trauma, but you are individuals who react differently to things. You can only do what you can do. Comparing yourself to others will just knock your confidence.

I feel like you are taking too much blame upon yourself. Don't pressure yourself. Let yourself heal in your own time.

What sort of material have you found on the internet so far? Have you tried googling resources for overcoming trauma in general rather than looking for relationship specific advice?



tarantella64
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02 Feb 2014, 2:10 pm

What you're describing is PTSD and is both serious and entirely reasonable given what you went through. Is the no therapy a function of money, distance, or what?

Rape is a strange thing. A lot of women do get over it because in some senses there's tremendous social pressure to "walk it off", also because, unfortunately, it's such a common thing. Attempted murder as a form of domestic violence, though...that's less common.

Did you have good relationships before that?



diniesaur
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02 Feb 2014, 6:40 pm

tarantella64 wrote:
What you're describing is PTSD and is both serious and entirely reasonable given what you went through. Is the no therapy a function of money, distance, or what?

Rape is a strange thing. A lot of women do get over it because in some senses there's tremendous social pressure to "walk it off", also because, unfortunately, it's such a common thing. Attempted murder as a form of domestic violence, though...that's less common.

Did you have good relationships before that?

The no therapy is a function of money and transportation. I won't have my driver's license for at least another few months. And unfortunately, that was my ONLY real relationship (although during the relationship this girl dated both of us for like two weeks and then broke up with us when she realized he was a psycho). I've had no experience with a healthy relationship.

hurtloam wrote:
I think the way that you feel is perfectly understandable considering the trauma you have experienced.

One thing i noticed, which I think shows the quality of your character is that you don't want to use someone else to overcome your fear. That is kind of you, but consider this, each time someone enters into a new relationship they bring their past experiences with them. No one enters a new relationship with a clean slate. The person you begin dating may not feel like they are being used. They may just like you and want to spend time with you. Everyone enters a new relationship knowing that it may or may not work out. That is why you spend that time getting to know each other, so that you can find out whether you want to continue the relationship with each other or not.

No one knows at the outset of a relationship whether it will work out or not. It is impossible to know.

If you started dating someone you didn't like at all, then that would be using them, but if you genuinely like the other person and want to get to know them better, then you are not using them.

Also don't compare yourself to other people. Others may have jumped into dating alot more quickly than you have after a trauma, but you are individuals who react differently to things. You can only do what you can do. Comparing yourself to others will just knock your confidence.

I feel like you are taking too much blame upon yourself. Don't pressure yourself. Let yourself heal in your own time.

What sort of material have you found on the internet so far? Have you tried googling resources for overcoming trauma in general rather than looking for relationship specific advice?

You're right that it probably wouldn't be as bad if I were dating someone I actually liked. But one of my fears is that if I DID do that, I might end up freaking out and ending the relationship because I couldn't stay with it.

The REALLY scary part is, there [i]are
some people who I'd totally date if they actually had feelings for me. At that point, I have the same problems as any other Autistic person has with relationships. There are some people who might or might not actually reciprocate feelings with me but are being nice and understanding because they know I'm afraid, and others who DEFINITELY don't. The most trustworthy ones are also the people who would never push me into anything I'm not comfortable with--like dating. For a while it was hard for me to figure out how I really felt about people through the fear, but when I really think about it honestly I do have some people I'd date even now, if only because I'd never forgive myself if I missed that chance.

Other people have tried to date me, but when they did it always REALLY freaked me out. I'd get panic attacks and suddenly start seeing all these "red flags" of possible abusive tendencies and often completely cut off contact with those people. Now I wonder if I'd do the same with anyone, or if I'd be able to move past it if I liked the person enough.

But whatever the case, now probably wouldn't be a good time for me to date anyway.

I will take your advice and look more for resources about trauma in general. So far I've found stuff about fears of dating, but those only cover things like fear of rejection or commitment; phobias in general, but those are more geared towards stuff like heights and dogs and stuff you can make a 'fear ladder' where you gradually expose yourself to the thing...and as we all know, it's not so easy with dating; and stuff about telling if a person might be manipulating you or not, which is actually helpful but doesn't really make me less afraid.