how do people take time off dating to focus on themselves?

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plant14
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11 Feb 2014, 3:57 pm

I find it astounding when people say they are going to take a break from dating to focus on themselves.

It shows they have a lot of things I don't have:
-A firm sense of "me" to focus on in the first place
-Enough social or personal stability to stay stable without having some sort of partner to hold onto
-Being able to go suddenly from having a person there to not having them there, a transition I find shocking
-Having friends

I guess it takes having friends to just take a break from dating. and It is SUPER hard for me to make female friends who are not Aspie. Most of my Aspie friends are flaky (not their fault) or in other states or shy or otherwise really bad at hanging out a lot.

So I mostly do the female Aspie thing and have one major friend who is my boyfriend.

I just get upset when these secure people are capable of doing something that makes no sense to me. To me taking time out to focus on myself seems like a terrible idea and something that would lead to catastrophic isolation and depression and having to call my parents a lot.

I end up looking like the weak one since I can't just drop any relationship as easily as they can, but they don't know how hard it is just getting through life with this from day to day.



starkid
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11 Feb 2014, 4:15 pm

I think the people who do that are able to do so because they are strongly motivated by the understanding that it would be unfair or even impossible to have a relationship for which they are not fully prepared. It is a matter of courtesy and integrity.

I'm assuming that you don't have anything going on in your life that you consider would make you a bad partner; hence you lack that motivation.



MjrMajorMajor
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11 Feb 2014, 4:16 pm

I gave up dating with no issues, and it actually reinforces that "sense of me" you are referring to. My first relationship was such a train wreck that I was leery about repeating the same mistakes. I didn't have friends, but I had a full time job and a kid to keep me busy.

Staying in a relationship over a fear of being alone isn't going to lead you to a good place. Reaching out to family is okay, and search out other means of support(such as WP :) )Losing that fear of being incapable will give you some grounding that you seem to be searching for.



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11 Feb 2014, 4:33 pm

My biggest asset in being able to happily spend time alone is that I have many things that I enjoy that can be/are best done alone.
How are you in that regard?


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plant14
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11 Feb 2014, 4:38 pm

I think it is mostly that while I've been happy living alone and being single at times and can keep myself busy, if I am dating or living with someone I get addicted to having touch available. It feels like being able to temporarily call "time out" on stress and go into this blissful state. (I also have sensory issues and deep pressure/hugs and like drugs). So stopping dating means putting myself through immediate withdrawal.

I suppose I could use beanbag tapping if I ever needed to adjust to the touch withdrawal after a break up, but it's not the same.

But yeah, no major reasons for me to take time out from dating because I do a pretty good job of communicating and being a good partner and haven't had any major issues that would require being on my own to resolve.



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11 Feb 2014, 4:43 pm

The people I know who have taken time off from dating usually have had either a really long string of bad luck meeting people in terms of not meeting, bad luck in terms of the people they meet, or have realized there is something about them that either would destroy a possible relationship or reduce their odds. These could range from being overweight, to looking to make a career change in a new area.

Usually the people who say that aren't in love. I don't' know of anyone who has been in a loving relationship and just said they want to take time off from dating.



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11 Feb 2014, 4:46 pm

Dating is too much effort and fakeness.



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11 Feb 2014, 4:49 pm

thewhitrbbit wrote:
The people I know who have taken time off from dating usually have had either a really long string of bad luck meeting people in terms of not meeting, bad luck in terms of the people they meet, or have realized there is something about them that either would destroy a possible relationship or reduce their odds. These could range from being overweight, to looking to make a career change in a new area.

Usually the people who say that aren't in love. I don't' know of anyone who has been in a loving relationship and just said they want to take time off from dating.


Yes.



The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Feb 2014, 4:53 pm

plant14 wrote:
I find it astounding when people say they are going to take a break from dating to focus on themselves.

It shows they have a lot of things I don't have:
-A firm sense of "me" to focus on in the first place
-Enough social or personal stability to stay stable without having some sort of partner to hold onto
-Being able to go suddenly from having a person there to not having them there, a transition I find shocking
-Having friends




No no, not necessarily, I for example took a break because it's not working, not with my current self, so it's pretty logical to take a pause and do adjustments and prioritize other things before trying again, If I ever find the motivation again.



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11 Feb 2014, 6:48 pm

Actually just last night I decided that I wasn't going to get into a relationship for quite a while.
I had gotten out of a 9 month relationship about a month and a half ago, and during that time I just felt... I don't know sort of numb. I didn't care about relationships but wasn't sure if I wanted to be single for a long period of time.

After this time has passed by, I was thinking about all the stuff I'm going to have to do concerning school, work and improving my health and then realized that I felt no desire to be in a relationship. I don't feel lonely, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything, I don't feel like I'll never find someone.. I'm actually truly content with being single. I don't want to be in a relationship even if there was someone that I knew that I liked a lot and got along with.. I'm just not ready right now.

Honestly, I don't want another girlfriend until I graduate college, but I kind of doubt that'll happen, but we'll see. I may date a woman here or there in a few years but an actual girlfriend? No, I'm going to try to avoid it.

I need to focus on myself and get my butt through school with great grades, get a part time job to help pay for it and eat a better diet as well as exercise for at least an hour every day for health reasons.



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12 Feb 2014, 3:05 am

Strange. I find it easier and easier to focus my time, energy, and efforts on myself & self improvement in every sense of the word. Physical fitness, mental stability, finances etc etc. I'm doing all of these things for me and enjoying doing them. It's become completely natural to be not only content, but happy, in my solitude and quest for self improvement w/o any sort of codependence on even friends for happiness. I do have friends that I see that make me happy and relax me when I'm stressed, but it's very rare that I feel a Need to see them in order to feel good about myself anymore. I just do what I enjoy and continue working away on myself and my goals. It's taken a couple of years of concentrated effort to become more and more like this, though. Perhaps you just haven't given yourself a realistic amount of time to make these adjustments in your own life yet?


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13 Feb 2014, 5:35 pm

plant14 wrote:
-Enough social or personal stability to stay stable without having some sort of partner to hold onto
-Being able to go suddenly from having a person there to not having them there, a transition I find shocking
-Having friends


OP, these are the reasons WHY people take time away from dating to focus on themselves. Everyone needs to have enough "social or personal stability" to make it without a partner. People need to have friends outside their dating relationships. It's extremely unhealthy--and DANGEROUS--to let your social life revolve entirely around one person: believe me, I know this from experience.

The one in the middle--being able to go from having a person there to not having them there--I think most people find that transition shocking. That's another reason why they take time on their own.

If you don't have friends and a life outside your relationship and you can't make it on your own--if you need someone else to be happy--you should not be dating. That's the point of this.



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13 Feb 2014, 6:02 pm

diniesaur wrote:
If you don't have friends and a life outside your relationship and you can't make it on your own--if you need someone else to be happy--you should not be dating. That's the point of this.


Why is it acceptable to need friends, but unacceptable to need a partner?



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13 Feb 2014, 9:06 pm

I'm in a relationship if you can say that. Been dating her for about 3 months now. I'm heading out of town this weekend for some down time... .without her. and me and her both know that I need the time away from this city for a couple days and some time away from eachother. Doesn't mean it's over either, not by a long shot. But we don't want to lose our sense of self in our relationship with eachother either.

Couples do take time away from eachother to focus on things that need to be done away from eachother. If you are unable to do this in a relationship, you never truly enjoyed your time alone to begin with IMO


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Bodyles
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14 Feb 2014, 9:48 am

What I want to know is how people start dating on a regular basis.

Take time off?
Most of my life has been time off dating.

I've never really had gfs on a regular basis.
I wouldn't even know how to make such a thing happen.



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14 Feb 2014, 10:04 am

plant14 wrote:
I just get upset when these secure people are capable of doing something that makes no sense to me.
...
I end up looking like the weak one since I can't just drop any relationship as easily as they can ...

Just bear in mind that people work in different ways. If people work some way that you don't understand and could never imagine doing, it doesn't necessarily mean that their way is better. If however you're working is doing you well, then that's just fine, there's no need to feel inferior. In fact, I would be compelled to think that if you don't need a break from a relationship then you're actually doing pretty well-off compared to them.