a small question for the girls here: how long do I have to

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eipsa
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19 Feb 2007, 4:30 am

I'm a guy but I'll answer anyway :D

Don't necessarilly insist on paying for the 'date', this totally depends on your culture (and hers). I don't know where you're from but where I'm from, women will be insulted if you insist on paying as they will think you're a male chauvanist... It's allways tricky! Where I am staying now everybody that I do meet are from other countries and so I never know what to do, some cultures (American?) like the guy to pay for everything, others definently dont.

I'm sure you can ask her out the third time you speak with her. Or even the first time, it all depends. I'm in the same predicament right now as I met someone 2 days ago at a party. Now what I will do is find out her phonenumber (I sort of know her sister slightly which is a good angle) and then very casually ask her for a cup of coffee...
Keep it light as others have also said, and phrase it like: I'm going over to <fill in name of coffeshop> for a coffee, you wanna join me?
Then after the coffee before she leaves, you get the next 'meeting', so you'd say: We should have a drink sometime, have you ever been to <insert name of favourite coctailbar> ?
Just avoid the 'would you like to go on a date with me' thing, because its easier to reject (more pressure).

Be very carefull about waiting too long!! 2-3 months is waaay too long. Surveys say a woman makes up her mind if she will sleep with you in 90 sec to 4 mins (if I remember correctly). Once you enter friend-space you can forget it... (well it *can* work in rare cases, but usually not)

Thats it! Would love to hear replies from the girls in this thread as to these tactics... 8O
Good luck!



coalbiter
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19 Feb 2007, 5:40 am

well I found out about this club about 7 weeks ago and only been to 4 meetings.
we all meet up for an hour and a half and the club organiser, an NT, talks with us
about our doings and other stuff, so I only have time to speak to her before the meeting
starts (given that we both arrive at the same time) or afterwards, when everyone get up
and go home. I did talk with her a bit about her new car driving experience :D

But later, while she sat one seat apart, I had a feeling she's looking at my general
direction. I looked her way and found her staring at me for a few seconds, then I
diverted my eyes away. Ir was strange, but, maybe she didn't look at me at all but
at someone or something behind me (?)

Yes, I think I'm rather a nice guy, I very much like to listen to people.
the club I go to is a rather small and intimate social group, and each meeting we have a round-up with each person speaks up and tells how was her/his week. So I'm sure she knows
I exist, yes. I even told the group about how I design the bookcovers for a publishing house I work in, and then in the last meeting I told them about the movie Mozart & the Whale which I liked very much :lol:

I thinks surveys can be wrong. you shouldn't always believe to what you read. other than that no one talked about sleeping with any one, :lol: I only want to know her better..
you can't decide whether you like a person in just mere seconds/minutes!
I think we're talking about a long-range process. You may not like / be indifferent in your feelings to a certain person, but things can change.



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17 Mar 2007, 8:19 pm

Rjaye wrote:
Immortal,

If a guy asked you out for a cuppa, and you had just had a nice conversation with him, or you felt comfortable after a first meeting (though I would not ever feel comfortable after a first meeting so I kind of know what you're talking about), and it was just friendly, would you consider it?

I always have a "fight or flight" response with new people, but I realized that most people mean well, and I had to bite the bullet, and push myself to accept invites to various things. Now, it took me years to be able to do that, and I still have to fight the panic, but it's the only way to expand my life where I want it.

I am not being critical, as we all have different needs and wants--I was just wondering, and of course, if you don't want to answer, that's all right, too.

Metta, Rjaye 8)


Just seeing this now...

Well, I need to point out to you that your situation is unlikely to me because other than the fact that I don't drink coffee :P (but lets say it's hot cocoa) I wouldn't go *anywhere* with a man I'd just met...even if it wasn't a date. He'd have to already be my friend. For me, getting to know the person happens first, relationship happens *later*, and dating happens after I'm in the relationship.

I am not very comfortable with men-any men-so the whole "feeling comfortable after the first meeting" situation would not happen. I would feel scared and intimidated after the first meeting. I have to know men *very well* before I trust them even in the slightest.


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calandale
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17 Mar 2007, 8:27 pm

Wait until you've had sex with her. That's the only way it works for me.



alex
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17 Mar 2007, 8:30 pm

what do you mean by "ask out" ?


isn't that what you do like after you meet a person? how else would you get to know them? or do you mean "ask out" as in "going steady" in a romantic way?


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17 Mar 2007, 8:40 pm

alex wrote:
what do you mean by "ask out" ?


isn't that what you do like after you meet a person? how else would you get to know them? or do you mean "ask out" as in "going steady" in a romantic way?


I took it to mean to ask to be part of a relationship...

Where I am from, the term "going steady" is nonexistant, and "Ask out" means to ask a person to be part of a relationship...so for example if a girl were to ask you "Would you go out with me?" she isn't literally asking you to *go* anywhere, she is asking you to be her boyfriend.


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Last edited by Immortal on 17 Mar 2007, 8:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

calandale
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17 Mar 2007, 8:41 pm

I was assuming that he meant the former. It is just so much easier to meet someone without that kind of formalism though. Going on some kind of 'date', even just coffee, makes things much more complicated for me.



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17 Mar 2007, 8:47 pm

I've only been on one actual date, and I was already in a relationship with the person...For me, dates are for couples already in a relationship, not for people in the just "getting to know eachother" stage. Why would I want to spend money, time and effort like that on someone I didn't know? Who am I trying to impress? I get to know just fine men without dating them.


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calandale
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17 Mar 2007, 8:59 pm

I don't consider them dates when I'm in a relationship (given that I usually live with the person then). I went on one real date, in the sense that the poster is talking about. I knew the girl, but not well. It was bloody awful. We went to a movie, had some fun, hung out at the bar, and she went home with someone else. Lost my pith helmet that night.



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17 Mar 2007, 9:08 pm

Pith helmet? What the heck does that mean?


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calandale
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17 Mar 2007, 10:04 pm

It's a helmet used in the desert. I wore it for snowstorms. Yes, I'm a weirdo.