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NotMuchLonger
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29 Mar 2014, 1:44 pm

Hi,

I'm a 37 year old male, and coming up on 10 years married (to a psychologist), we have twin 8 year old boys. But lately, especially in the last 2 years, I can feel everything falling apart. And I feel like my Aspergers is to blame.

We constantly fight over "how" I say things and not "what" I say. It's always been an issue between us. I feel like we are constantly on the verge of divorce. But this week especially, we are vacationing with her family. So there are 12 of us in this house all week, which would drive anybody crazy, but especially me. Today is the last day of the trip. The first thing was that I got "stuck" on this particular idea. I had asked my wife's cousin why they were doing something, and she gave me their answer. So then I gave her two reasons of why that answer wasn't a good one. But then she gave some other reason why instead. So then I was like "you told me it was for reason 1, but now it's for reason 2?" I just felt like she wasn't giving me an honest answer and I got stuck on her first answer.

So that's how it started, but it ended with her saying she felt like I was micro-managing her. And then she said "You're acting like my father". And I said "I'm not acting like your father". But my delivery was in a way that her and her brother think that I meant to say "I'm not acting like your father, because I know your father and he's somebody I wouldn't want to act like". I didn't mean that at all, I just meant "I'm not acting like anyone's father".

Then they all make me leave so that they can cool down, because they say I'm the catalyst. My wife then proceeds to tell all of them "See, this is the kind of thing I put up with every single day".

So on the last day of our ski trip, everyone went skiing except for me. I'm sitting here alone, in bed, depressed, and fairly hopeless. I have been a psychologist for the last 5 years (since my diagnosis), but I just don't feel like she's helping me. Or maybe I can't be helped. I also saw a psychiatrist for a few years; tried many different prescriptions for dealing with life. But I didn't like the side effects of any of them so I eventually stopped taking them altogether.

So here I am, looking for some advice or help on how to save my marriage.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.



cathylynn
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29 Mar 2014, 3:48 pm

sounds like no matter what you say, it's interpreted in the worst possible way. you're being scapegoated. I wish I knew a way to help. perhaps insisting your wife come to marriage counseling with you. she needs to see that she is not the victim.



Waterfalls
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29 Mar 2014, 4:07 pm

It's exhausting and I'm not sure it's worth it or not. But if your goal is to save your marriage, that might be possible. It involves trying to take care of everybody even when you don't want to. I'm not necessarily recommending this, I'm just saying if your goal is to save your marriage and that means changing the minds of people who think negatively about you, one option is to act do that you give enough they change their minds.



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29 Mar 2014, 4:18 pm

If your wife has the attitude that she has to "put up" with you everyday I have my doubts as to wether she even thinks there is anything wrong with your marriage.
Obviously she sees nothing wrong with her behaviour going by her statement.
Some people need a scapegoat and they will not see the errors of their own ways as long as they can pass the blame.
You can't change people, at best you can hope to make them think...



NotMuchLonger
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29 Mar 2014, 6:00 pm

Thanks for your replies.

I would say the number one thing that we argue about, is the way I interact during conversations. We rarely argue about anything else. Either my answers aren't long enough, or compassionate enough, or I'm almost always thinking about something else. Some "project" that I've got going that's probably contributing to my giant mess of an office/man cave. Anyways... I just find myself wanting to be more "normal" when it comes to the interaction with my family. I can feel my boys slipping away from me already.

I have tried different medications, including but not limited to: Welbutrin, Prozac, Abilify, Valium, Cymbalta, There's some others but I can't remember. I eventually gave up because I felt like the side effects outweighed the usefulness of the drug. I really never had a positive reaction from any of those meds, either.

My psychologist is discharging me next week. I've painted a picture for her that my life has really been on the upswing. Professionally, it has; I don't think I could go any higher in my career. I landed this new job awhile back and I've felt pretty confident since then. I haven't divulged how bad it has gotten between me and my family because of my hyper focus on my job. I need to find a new psychologist actually. Someone who focuses on aspies or something. I can make this work.

I'm sure that I can be "trained" to be a better communicator, by the right person. So I think that may be my best option right now.

Any thoughts?



Ann2011
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29 Mar 2014, 6:56 pm

NotMuchLonger wrote:
The first thing was that I got "stuck" on this particular idea. I had asked my wife's cousin why they were doing something, and she gave me their answer. So then I gave her two reasons of why that answer wasn't a good one. But then she gave some other reason why instead. So then I was like "you told me it was for reason 1, but now it's for reason 2?" I just felt like she wasn't giving me an honest answer and I got stuck on her first answer.

Can you elaborate on this exchange. It's hard to know if you were justified in questioning her.

I was with my husband for 6 years and I eventually destroyed the relationship. I was undiagnosed at the time and really struggling. Our split up was so hard to get over, took me years and we didn't have any children. I think it's great that you are putting in an effort. It can be really hard sometimes because people don't appreciate how hard it is.

Also, being in a confined space with that many family members is I think a recipe for disaster. I'd be hiding in the bar. lol


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tarantella64
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29 Mar 2014, 7:47 pm

It sounds like your wife is actually being worn thin by the realities of AS, and like this is nobody's fault.

You two need some very open talks with a marriage counselor -- your wife may not be too happy about that, often people in mental health fields feel vulnerable when they're on the client side. But you guys need to figure out whether you can actually tolerate each other anymore.

You say you've got twin 8-yo boys and careers. That by itself is a tremendous amount of stress and leaves you with little time for each other. My guess is that familywise, she's all business, managing the lot of you, and wanting support, comfort, appreciation, a friend, a partner in all this. You may not be equipped to give her what she's looking for, not at that level.

This situation is temporary, but it's a long temporary -- you'll have boys in the house to raise and manage for another decade. So the question is: can you (either, both) pull back careerwise? Can there be more leisure and pleasure in her life? Does she in fact have to be managing everything she's managing (the answer may well be "yes")?

Your wife may also need to recognize a hard reality: if she's looking for companionship and comfort, she's in a bad spot. My guess is she's mid-late 30s? Men don't so much go for smart, managerial divorcees with multiple boys, because such women don't put up with s**t, they're super busy, and the boys already have dads. Realistically, her choices are you and going it alone. (DO NOT PUT THIS TO HER IN THIS FASHION.)

It really sounds to me like you guys need to take a look at where you are, what each of you is carrying, what each of you needs, and how it may be possible to get it.

As for the family weekend...don't do that, just don't go. If your wife's a psychologist, she should understand that it's just too much to ask.



Waterfalls
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29 Mar 2014, 9:45 pm

NotMuchLonger wrote:
I would say the number one thing that we argue about, is the way I interact during conversations. We rarely argue about anything else. Either my answers aren't long enough, or compassionate enough, or I'm almost always thinking about something else. Some "project" that I've got going that's probably contributing to my giant mess of an office/man cave. Anyways... I just find myself wanting to be more "normal" when it comes to the interaction with my family. I can feel my boys slipping away from me already.

Think about what you want before your next conversation. Then focus on that. Communicating is difficult enough when we know what we want, and since you want to fix things, you will need to take more responsibility for how things go.

You did not say if your wife is neurotypical, but since you mentioned feeling your Aspergers is to blame, I am guessing she is, and I understand she is a psychologist, nonetheless, you are looking for how to fix things, and she is complaining to her family about you, so recognize you may be acting in a healthier way and you may be able to shift things despite having Aspergers.

My guess is you both want, and need, the other to take care of you more. Be the one to bring empathy and support back into the relationship by shifting the focus from the details of a conversation (and their validity and relevance) to appreciating and showing your appreciation for your wife's experience and her point of view. Her family, too, if you can stand that. Do not tell them they are wrong, and if you feel it's worth disagreeing with something state what you want and why, even if it's Chinese food instead of pizza. If you lose, do not argue. Think of how you want your boys to behave if they lose at soccer, or baseball, picture them on the field, and visualize (if you are visual) the way the teams are supposed to act after the game. Then set a good example to your kids, they are watching, and elevate the level of civility with your wife, she certainly will be.

As far as your kids go, they are 8. You don't need to be normal, you just need to love them, show support for them, spend some time doing kid things with them, and avoid too many out of control meltdowns at them. They are kids, kids thrive on love, don't be afraid to give that to them.
NotMuchLonger wrote:
My psychologist is discharging me next week. I've painted a picture for her that my life has really been on the upswing. Professionally, it has; I don't think I could go any higher in my career. I landed this new job awhile back and I've felt pretty confident since then. I haven't divulged how bad it has gotten between me and my family because of my hyper focus on my job. I need to find a new psychologist actually. Someone who focuses on aspies or something. I can make this work.

I saw a therapist who made it uncomfortable if I didn't act together. Like a lot of Aspies I am pretty alexithymic, so it was a lot easier to act for him rather than admitting I had no idea what I felt. It was also destructive to me because pretending to be ok for a professional isn't something my very literal mind can do and still feel like I exist. I would either discuss with the psychologist you've been seeing about the problems between you and your wife or switch as soon as possible if it were me.

NotMuchLonger wrote:
I'm sure that I can be "trained" to be a better communicator, by the right person. So I think that may be my best option right now.

Yes, you can. Keep your focus in conversations with your wife not on who is right, but on caring.



Eccles_the_Mighty
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30 Mar 2014, 3:48 pm

It's been my experience that NT partners find that living with someone who has AS is VERY hard work. Half a dozen times I've received promises along the lines of 'it's OK, I understand and I can handle this' then a few years down the line the stress gets to be too much and you go your separate ways.

Marriage Counselling might work and it's certainly something worth trying.

What I find surprising is that your wife is a psychologist, she must have been aware of the Asperger lifestyle and its limitations before you got married and she's demonstrated a certain lack of professionalism in the way she's handled things.


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