Adamantium wrote:
Rocket123 wrote:
tarantella64 wrote:
Maybe part of my "meh" about diagnosis is that I look at a list like this and think that parts, if not all of it, apply to nearly every adult I know.
I was wondering this myself. Then, when reading the diagnostic criteria (DSM-IV at the time), I thought, “this does not sound all that unusual”. As, most of those I do know (both as a child and as an adult) would be considered “social mistfits”. But, what if, in reality, we “social misfits” represent the majority. And that those who are socially “able” are the minority. But, we are influenced (by, say television) to believe otherwise. How do you know?
I thought that too, but it turned out to be bs. Denial.
You know because you see it all around you, every day. New people come into your work or class or neighborhood and connect with the people already there in a way you never could and never will. They do it naturally, like breathing.
There is a qualitative difference. Taking that onboard is part of the freedom that diagnosis can bring, though it sounds like you are still wrestling with that. I am not bothering with that anymore--
That feeling of being different that I had all my life? A valid perception.
Those moments when I felt marked out and set apart and couldn't understand why? Autism is why.
When the train would fill up and the seat next to me was still open? My clothes were clean, I had showered and brushed my teeth--so why were people just choosing not to sit next to me? Because I am a bit weird and it puts them off--no problem, that is my nature.
That conversation that suddenly stopped when I came back from lunch? Yes, they were talking about me behind my back and for good reason.
It's much better just facing it. It changes nothing, but it changes everything and mostly in a good way.
You really are at liberty to deal with reality as it is, rather than hoping that somehow, despite all signals to the contrary, you are OK, acceptable and normal.
You are not "normal," so be OK in yourself, as you are.
I wonder if we're talking about different things, then.
I have no problem connecting and making friends, and one of the things I like best about this class I'm teaching is how well we all seem to get along. Which is tough, because science kids, not the most effusive. And they started out quiet, which was unnerving. But when I walk into the room now, there's hubbub going on, and -- well, obviously, there's an age/station difference, and I'd feel weird describing myself as a friend to them rather than mentor/teacher -- but I'm part of that conversation, too, and it's fun. I like my neighbors, and am part of other communities, too. I'm aware that people see me as odd/brilliant/sometimes-rude/faintly-alarming (I have a lot of energy and -- well, one of the scientists, introducing me to another scientist, said, "This is T, she....makes things happen."). It never occurs to me, though maybe it should, that people are talking about me behind my back. Can't really imagine what they might say or that I'd be interesting enough to talk about. I mean they must, but...I don't know, that's not interesting to me.
(I don't like having people sit next to me on the train/bus, but as it fills up I grudgingly put my backpack on the floor and then the seat's filled, phooey. They always sit on my coat and want to have conversations with someone ten feet away while I'm reading. But the bus I take these days looks like it exclusively serves a research plantation.)
For me, the biggest difference I perceive between me and other people is that I have things I want to do. Like I can see them, can see how they should go, and how great they'll be, and then, a surprising proportion of the time, I make them happen. As I've gotten older and been put in more influential positions, it's been a little startling to see how much I can make happen. It's not usually the intent -- usually it's "here's a cool thing to do," and then all of a sudden it touches some very large number of people. Most people are hella uninterested in this, want a nice bit of gardening and a movie. Which is an idea I'm much more sympathetic to now than I was 20 years ago; it'd just drive me crazy as a way of life. I'm quite sure that when I look back, the thing that'll look batshit is that I've done most of this while being a single mother alone with no family or money. And the maddening thing is that the things I accomplish won't (with the exception of raising my daughter) have been the things I actually wanted to do, and am feeling increasingly urgent about. But the things I'm doing make enough money for us to live on, and the other things don't, so I have to put them off a while.
As for being okay....Long ago, I used to teach aerobics at an upscale gym, the kind of place populated by 30-50somethings with money. Often at the back of the room there'd be a new person totally swaddled in sweats, and by about 20 minutes into the class this person looked like she (or he, sometimes) was dying, because, you know, a room full of sweaty adults jumping around, it gets warm. And the new person would be both out of shape and way overdressed. After class I'd find a way to approach the person and try to be welcoming, and then make the point that, you know, you don't have to be fancy and spandexed-up for this, regular high-school gymwear will work, but it's not actually healthy to get so overheated in class, plus not fun. And sometimes the person would explain that he or she was too embarrassed to show themselves, that they were out of shape, overweight, what have you. (Must've been a fun disclosure to make to a three-pound teenager who'd just spent an hour bobbing around in front of the class.) So I'd tell them to have a look, next time, at where people were looking. People had a laser focus on themselves in the mirror. They weren't checking out other people, judging; they were totally self-absorbed. Nobody cared. Unless you're falling over other people, nobody's watching, no one's holding secret auditions for a Ms. Buff calendar. And almost everyone's self-critical.
I don't know if it helped. Usually people would relax after a few classes and wear more appropriate clothing and then I could stop worrying about their passing out. But I think it's true. As far as your being okay...I don't think anyone's that interested, measuring you. The downside, of course, is that probably no one's that interested, which sucks ox balls when you need help.
...
Sorry, this is incredibly long. I work with scientists and artists, right? And have done for a long time, so of course I'm used to hyperfocused, awkward, dorky, occasionally tantrum-throwing people who're massively competent in one or a few areas of their lives and a complete shambles in others. For various reasons, lots of them aren't much for eye contact. Or contact period. These are all people who're capable of talking for hours at a time about the thing they enjoy, whether you asked or not (and the maddening thing is they're often very smart, so you have to listen, because they're telling you something worth hearing). But what strikes me is that at this point all of them have enough sense of how they must work together, associate, and how the world works, to get by in a practical manner and have homes and families and all this sort of thing. (Though some are single people who still get the family assist.) I know this isn't most of the world. It just appears to me a non-emergency to be this way. The emergency seems to arrive when you can't make it into a world like that, for whatever reason, and are left in a perennial high school. Or when you can't sense the world around you well enough to feel how survival works, or when it's all too overwhelming to manage.
03 May 2014, 12:26 pm
about the language. Ok thanks.I probably can get diagnosis here faster since im getting it on other non related to AS forums a lot hahha.
