Autistic parenting of autistic kids

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I've noticed that some of the regular posters in this forum have ASD themselves, and presumably have kids, so maybe you can tell me about this. I'm NT, and both of my kids are autistic. I've recently been wondering if my husband may have AS... but it's definitely not official and he would definitely tell you NO WAY. But what I was wondering about is his connection with our kids.

When our first child was young, he did not interact with other people at all. I would do everything the therapists told me to do, for example they said one person should sit with him on their lap and physically make him look at the other person/operate his arms for him, and the other person interact and throw a ball to him. Make him throw it back. He wouldn't do it on his own, so you'd have to physically move his hands together and he wouldn't look and it was just a disaster...

But that was like the most he would interact with me. My husband, however, could lie on the floor with him (he likes to roll a marble back and forth in front of his eyes for hours) and our son would look at him and watch him. Whereas if I lay on the floor, he'd totally ignore me. If I tried to join the marble-rolling he'd scream. It used to make me so jealous. I kind of assumed he was just a better parent than I was.

Now that I'm wondering about this Asperger's thing, I was also wondering if this connection he had when nobody else had a connection could be evidence that he does. Or is it just a fluke? (Or maybe he is just a better parent, but if that's the case, I don't want to know, LOL).

I think there are times when people on the Spectrum could relate to others on the Spectrum somewhat better than NT's relating to those on the Spectrum. I would take advantage of that.

I seriously doubt it's "just that he's a better parent".

I have AS and find connecting and understanding my AS son significantly easier than I ever have with my NT daughter. None of our stories are as obvious as yours, however.

When my son was a baby, he liked to be held where he could push his legs up and stand. And then, he'd refuse to look at anyone to an almost comical degree. That's probably the closest we had to what you describe. My son no longer has any eye contact issues whatsoever.

I can relate to having difficulty relating to one of my kids--with my NT daughter. As a baby, she did not like to be held (I assumed sensory issues, as I was the same way as a baby). Even though I also cannot handle very much human touch, that still made me sad. When I nursed her, she would scoot her little body away as far as humanly possible to minimize touch while she ate. As she got older, either the sensory issues disappeared or it was me she didn't want to touch.

Now, she likes to do fantasy play and asks me to join her. I'm pretty awful at it (me: "I put all the brown horses in that room" ). For the most part, we do more structured activities together. She has been learning to play violin for almost a year, and I take her to each lesson and we are learning together. After her lesson each week, we go to a coffee shop for a drink and snack and she gets to tell me about school and she has my undivided attention. It's a very special part to my week now. So, I'm good at teaching her things, doing violin practice with her, and listening to her talk. I'm awful at fantasy play, even when she tries to "teach me how". Her father has a completely different, more fluid, relationship with her that I sometimes envy.

In my *very limited* experience, it seems easier to connect with those who you are more neurologically like, but it can't mean that that's all there is. Afterall, I married an NT.

Excellent point.

I agree it has nothing to with who is a better parent. I would not say every AS parent is going to have that kind of rapport, with their AS kid, either. There may (or may not) be things that one parent has insight on, and sometimes being the same neurology can help. Just like you could have two NT parents and one parent is more similar in personality to the child and has the same way of looking at things. There may be a very subtle mutual empathy thing going on. Aspies/Auties are often good with patterns and maybe your son recognizes a pattern. At such as young age, it is hard to say. Based on your reading do you think your husband is an aspie?

So, I don't know if your kid has aspie-radar and can figure out something about your husband that he relates to. You can also have aspie traits and not be full-on aspie-- Sometimes kids just "take" to one parent for unfathomable reasons, too. I would be careful not to read too much into it.

Both my husband and I are undiagnosed. (I have kind of an unofficial diagnosis, but nothing remotely formalized) We learned so much about ourselves when our son got diagnosed. I am more aspie than my husband. Sometimes there are things I get that my husband doesn't because of that; But even when he does not get it, he tries and that is the main thing. They also bond over little boy kind of humor, too. My husband has a little boy kind of humor, anyway.

Not having the same neurology does not mean you won't understand him. It can take time, and effort even for aspie parents to -get it.- Aspies/Auties do not all have the same array of qualities, and can also have issues understanding things about their child. There are tons of questions I have posted about things my son does that I did not get and hoped others would recognize.

I rambled, and probably did not answer anything you wanted to know. LOL

I'm autistic. So is my mom. I hate my mom. No bond whatsoever. I love my dad. He is definitely not autistic.

I have had many difficulties with my son on the spectrum. When I stop and really think about it, I can really understand him. But it takes tremendous effort to come out of my own head to get into his. For me, trying to accomplish a goal (e.g., get him to stop playing the iPad and go clean up his mess) while simultaneously trying to understand how I'm appearing to him in my approach to be most effective and give him what he needs emotionally, is like trying to paint while playing the violin. Sometimes I can pull it off, but many times I feel like I really suck at it. Plus, the thinking on my feet skill--really bad at it. I'm getting better at it though, but the effort required feels like climbing Mount Everest. Come to think of it, maybe Mount Everest is easier LOL.

But I love my kid with every cell of my being. And when I do manage to get things right (however infrequently, it seems), it really feels like I'm on top of the world. And I would guess it probably feels even better than having climbed to top of Mount Everest.

I like to think that I am a better parent than both of mine.

I see that I am quite like them both and I am always disturbed by this recognition.

When I analyze what I know of my grandparents and their behavior as parents, I find that I pity my parents and can forgive them for things they did that hurt me. In fact, I think they did remarkably well and I am grateful.

My sense is that in the last few generations of my family, each generation has done a little better than the last. I hope to continue that progress and hope that someday my children will do the same.

Autistic traits don't make some of it easier, but they don't make it impossible. From what I have seen of dysfunctional families, NT and otherwise, other personality factors are more important.

I think if you have a lousy personality for a parent and on top of that your autism makes you oblivious to the emotional impact of what you do and blind to the needs and inner life of others, then you will be a truly lousy parent--but if you have a lousy personality and are deeply sensitive to the emotional impact of what you do and a keen observer of the needs and inner life of others, you might just be more effective at being a s**t.

I think that if you mean to be positive, kind and loving, you can do better than the ones who came before. Each generation can do a little better, make a little progress and together we can make the world a better place.

My husband is most certainly the "better parent" - he has INIFINITE patience and is the "fun parent", but interestingly enough, I strongly suspect that *he* is on the spectrum himself whereas I am most assuredly not (I have other challenges, however). I think what makes him so much "fun" is that he is not "driven" to help our son progress. He wants to enjoy him as he is, and we often clash because I am pushy and want to see him "catch up" developmentally. I am almost certain that my husband was a late talker, too. His earliest memories are from age 6 and my MIL is dodgy on the subject when he said his first words. I talked at 9 months, and never shut up, so this speech delay isn't coming from me. Hubby does not make a big deal about the slow language development - he tends to take it "as it comes" and that kind of drives me NUTS.

This is not to say that he does not care, he has accepted that our son has significant challenges, but he also enjoys him in a way that I can't. I sometimes wish I could take this whole situation as calmly as he does. But then maybe it is better for the child that one parent is so aggressive and pushy - if both of us were the calm, laid-back type, he probably wouldn't get "pushed" much, if you folks get what I mean ?

Hi, HisMom,

Hows everything?

Just wanted to say hi.

Does their advice help or make it worse?

Honestly, one of the problems I always had is that they will insist that even if it doesn't work, one should soldier onward, b/c in the long run it somehow will work. If it makes it worse in the short run, well, that is part of the process. Well, how long are you supposed to wait it out, before admitting it does not work? Trying something else amounts to just a variation of the same non-working strategies.

I never got that.

My husband has always been a go-with-the-flow kind of guy when it comes to our kids too, and he never really seemed as bothered by how delayed they were as I was. I was the one who went to all the meetings and did follow-up exercises from therapy with the kids while he got to be the fun parent, and maybe that's why he was more drawn to his dad when he was young. I'm pleased to say that we have a connection now though.