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Rodney00
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27 May 2014, 5:11 am

My mom used to tell me she got "better vibes" from people her ethnicity, her "own kind" and when I was young, I didn't know what it meant. At school, where most kids were of two groups and I was not (I'm not non-white tho), I thought it was sheer coincidence, and that any if all racism was overt. Then I noticed in college, a lot of the cliques tended to have one particularly kind of group, like if there was a clique of 7 guys, 4-5 would be Italian OR Irish, one might be or mixed Irish/Italian, and one might be Jewish, or maybe even black or Asian, altho the Jews mixed better but still kind of downplayed it, or in some cases, tried to hide it. It also seemed like many of the Jews at my school, who were often friends with the Irish/Italian majority dated Jewish girls in the same position. Most of my friends, or the kids who came closest to friends, were usually not Italian/Irish, social not too in for other reasons, or both. The school was known to be rather homogenous.

Anyway, how much have you noticed the issue of common background, and possibly familial values, affects making friends? Does you find it makes/breaks potential friendships, or it just separates the plain friends from the close ones? I was stymied by the subtleties of prejudice and racism (two related but not identical things) and had I known, I might have tried less hard to be cool than I did.



hurtloam
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28 May 2014, 3:23 pm

Well, I think that you had the right attitude and everyone else is wrong. Race makes no sense to me. I'm just friendly with everyone. I noticed racism more as a child because of the way other school children treated me, but as an adult it seems not to be a problem. Occasionally people will comment on my accent and sometimes, not often, but sometimes they don't understand one or two words I say and that gets embarassing.

Maybe it's partly because I stopped trying to fit in and now I don't care as much anymore. Sometimes I feel a bit isolated and wish there were others of my own socio-economic background around me because I get seem as the posh freak sometimes. I was upset the other day because my acqaintance was making fun of Benedict Cumberbatch (I don't come from that kind of family, but he's like a male version of me) and I wondered how she sees me. Sometimes I feel like I talk too much on this forum about coming across as "posh", but I feel awkward about it. I don't feel posh, I am poor, but some people don't take to me becaue of prejudice. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I know, it's not racism, but I really am a foreigner living in a country that I wasn't born in.

I don't know. Your question is a good one.

I suppose people are drawn to those whom they have things in common with, so if you're from one culture you will have common interests wtih those who share your culture, but I've had friends of all sorts of backgrounds and feel richer for it.

Some of the most interesting food I've ever had was Kurdish food. I make this nice butter bean in paprika sauce with chicken dish that a young Kurdish guy taught me. Tageshti... Tageshtum.

The best meal I ever had was a buffet at a friend's house where everyone brought a dish from their own culture. There was Chinese food, Italian, Mexican, African, I forget what else, but it was a great party. I find that I get on better with those of other cultures because they don't expect me to behave in a certain way. Those of my own culture think I'm weird, but those of other cultures expect me to be different and they expect to be a bit different to me and somehow it just works.



maryshap
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30 May 2014, 11:05 am

You've probably had the experience of being a minority of some kind at one point in your life or another. Even if people aren't overtly prejudiced against "your kind," you end up feeling like you have to represent everyone "like you." (After all, if you're the only X they know, and you do Y, then Y must be what all Xs do, right?) That's a huge burden, and it's exhausting to feel like you're always being watched and judged and having to be a model minority. If you hang out with others "like you," at least you get to be an individual, representing only yourself. So that's why I think we tend to huddle together in groups.

If you really don't see race/ethnicity, and you treat people as individuals, they will most likely feel comfortable interacting with you, whether you "belong" to "their group" or not.