AS bf and talking about his ex

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Frankie123
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13 Jun 2014, 4:42 pm

Hi everyone

I'm NT and my boyfriend has aspergers. Ever since we started going out (nine months now) he tends to mention his ex quite a bit (including our first date), it's always made me a bit insecure because sometimes it seems needless or even a bit bitchy, sometimes in bed, once even after sex. We've talked about it and he said he would stop which he has on the main part. He was with them four years (first love, all that) and they were broken up nearly a year to which he was single before he met me. I've talked to friends about this and googled relationship advice etc (not exactly the most authoritative way to get advice though probably lol). Anyway the internet and my friends seem to share the same opinion that he is not over her. I find this hard to believe and accept as he is always telling me he loves me etc. I'm wondering if other people out there with AS would consider this an AS thing? Because the time I brought it up with him, he said it was his asperger's and his lack of social awareness? Maybe you also have difficulty not talking about your ex somewhat needlessly and it doesn't have anything to do with the fact you've moved on and are completely over them? And it is as he said just a mistake and lack of understanding? Let me know, I'm worried that it is more to do with them being always on their mind and him still grieving a little.



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13 Jun 2014, 5:07 pm

I personally (AS male) take a long time to fall out of love, so it would make sense that he isn't completely over her. However, a close friend of mine (NT) is still upset with his ex, despite the fact that he's had a different girlfriend for over a year now, so its not a fully AS only thing, although AS could exaggerate it. He likely didn't realise how mentioning his AS made you uncomfortable due to his AS as you note. Did he mention how they broke up, that might be relevant



thecheeseisblue
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13 Jun 2014, 5:18 pm

Personally, I would probably bring it up too often because I struggle with finding things to talk about often. To me, it would seem a valid point of comparison. Prior experiences similar to the one you are having is something that you are supposed to say. That relationship would not be relevant to this one, and is just a prior experience and point of conversation. I would likely not understand that there are additional social rules in this situation. I didn't really realize that before anyway. So, you're not supposed to bring up a prior relationship with the person you are in your current one with? To me that seems silly. Again, I don't know your boyfriend at all, but to me I would likely not understand that at all because the rules have suddenly changed. It's not something I would just "pick up on", so it's a situation with different expectations that I would be treating as a normal conversation or interactions.

Also, if I were still hung up over somebody, I would be less apt to talk about them. If I'm going to comfortably talk about a person I had feelings for, it means I'm definitely "over" them, or else I would not share. I would advise taking your boyfriend at his word. AS people tend to be very honest. If he says he's over her, then it's possible that he just struggles with the unwritten and unstated rules of relationships as I would. I don't think it's healthy to read too much into the actions of an AS person, as it may not reflect your expectations based on how you experience the world.



Frankie123
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13 Jun 2014, 5:20 pm

I'm afraid he didn't. Maybe I should ask? They completely cut off contact though and he was the one who broke up with her. He mentions things he disagreed with her about like religion (she was, he isn't) and that 'one of the reasons' was she called his family 'immoral' due to their right wing views. He is very close to his family despite being left wing and values them a lot. I don't know what to think. Do you think I should leave him and let him 'fall out of love'. It's hard to say he's in love with her, he usually talks about her in a casual or negative way, its just the amount I find unusual, it doesn't seem usual to mention someone so much you haven't seen in so long. I've asked him if hes over her and he asserts he is. I just don't want to get hurt, I love him and I feel insecure at the idea he's just trying to resurrect his old relationship through me. Have you had a relationship while you were still in love or grieving over or whatever your ex? Somehow I just don't think that's for me, I think rebound relationships are fine but as long as everyone is aware that is only what it is but I feel like we're so close and intimate that I can't bear the idea of being a rebound and similarly finding it difficult to take the idea he is lying (well I really don't think he would lye) but maybe just making things up in confusion and he is not over her.



Frankie123
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13 Jun 2014, 5:22 pm

Hey Thecheeseisblue, thank you for advice, I think its fine to talk about your ex's after a while dating, I do so to him also. It's just the frequency he does it and occasionally the negativity involved also which I find uncomfortable.



Frankie123
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13 Jun 2014, 5:29 pm

I would not share. I would advise taking your boyfriend at his word. AS people tend to be very honest. If he says he's over her, then it's possible that he just struggles with the unwritten and unstated rules of relationships as I would. I don't think it's healthy to read too much into the actions of an AS person, as it may not reflect your expectations based on how you experience the world.[/quote]

Thank you :D I think I will do this. I think I knew to do this anyway but I'm a bit of a worrier ha.

Thanks xx



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13 Jun 2014, 5:43 pm

thecheeseisblue wrote:
Personally, I would probably bring it up too often because I struggle with finding things to talk about often. To me, it would seem a valid point of comparison. Prior experiences similar to the one you are having is something that you are supposed to say. That relationship would not be relevant to this one, and is just a prior experience and point of conversation. I would likely not understand that there are additional social rules in this situation. I didn't really realize that before anyway. So, you're not supposed to bring up a prior relationship with the person you are in your current one with? To me that seems silly. Again, I don't know your boyfriend at all, but to me I would likely not understand that at all because the rules have suddenly changed. It's not something I would just "pick up on", so it's a situation with different expectations that I would be treating as a normal conversation or interactions.

Also, if I were still hung up over somebody, I would be less apt to talk about them. If I'm going to comfortably talk about a person I had feelings for, it means I'm definitely "over" them, or else I would not share. I would advise taking your boyfriend at his word. AS people tend to be very honest. If he says he's over her, then it's possible that he just struggles with the unwritten and unstated rules of relationships as I would. I don't think it's healthy to read too much into the actions of an AS person, as it may not reflect your expectations based on how you experience the world.



I agree with this.

Life experiences are life experiences and if there's a moment where one of these experiences can be shared, I share them. It's just my brain typing in keyphrases like searching for a book on the library computer and then taking it from the shelves of life. And I would also probably talk much less or not at all if the experience wasn't over yet and still going on in my mind, as that book hasn't been finished and put on the shelf yet.

I've learned to just ask for guidelines and explain my views but/because the "miscommunication due to autism" would be not realizing talking about an ex bothers my current partner and I would have to be explicitly told it's a problem. And even then my brain will still come up with those experiences when searching, and it could take me a while to see those as "already lend out"/not okay and I may slip up sometimes and still mention them. It's difficult to understand you can't talk to your "life partner" about something that happened in your life, but it would be perfectly okay to share and compare current/exes with "just" a friend.


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13 Jun 2014, 6:37 pm

Quote:
Life experiences are life experiences and if there's a moment where one of these experiences can be shared, I share them.


This, for sure.

Also, if he is still hung up on her, you getting him to agree to stop talking about it isn't going to change that in the least. I mean, if it were me, I'd continue to let him talk about it, if only because that gives you more information with which to decide what direction the relationship is going and what exactly the ex means to him.

I dunno though, when discussing exes I feel like context is supremely important, and in this case there's not a whole lot of specifics on that (although I will say that talking about an ex immediately after sex sounds like pretty much the easiest way imaginable to get tossed out of bed, regardless of context :lol: )

In a vacuum, I'm very much down to talk exes with any girl I'm dating etc (although of course I don't go out of my way to do so) because, in addition to what I mentioned above, it's a fundamentally awesome way to gather insight into what a relationship is like with that person. Also, as a bonus, at least for me it's massive points in terms of honesty and openness if someone can discuss their past with me objectively (and I would hope that goes both ways, although I realize that's not always the case).


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13 Jun 2014, 8:02 pm

I talked about my ex's a lot. I couldn't stop obsessing over them and I needed to talk about it to someone to get it out of my system and as years went by, it got less and less, sometimes I still bring them up when I talk about an experience or when I compare them. I also didn't understand why it was wrong to talk about them to your partner or date. No one gave me the reason why. Now I know after reading about it online and no one couldn't tell me? But I was already married and it didn't really matter anymore. My husband put up with it for a awhile when we were together and he didn't seem to mind. Sometimes being with someone can have impact on you like how you feel about things so if your partner knew what your ex's were like, then they would understand where you are coming from. I once flew off a handle on my husband when he said "You have to accept me for who I am" and I flipped out thinking about my ex boyfriend because he had that mindset and he was a jerk and didn't care what was bothering me because it was "who he is."

In case anyone here doesn't know why you shouldn't talk about your ex's:

It makes the person think you haven't moved on and you're not ready for a relationship

If you are trash talking about your ex's, how do they know you won't be trash talking about them and how do they know you aren't telling the whole story and you did some bad stuff too in your previous relationship than just them only

And based on the last one, it could also mean you have some pretty bad luck and if you have the tendency to enter a bad relationship every time (if what you are saying is really true ) well they may not get a good impression of you. Easy for anyone to be judgmental about entering a bad relationship more than once until it happens to them.


I think this would have helped me out while dating but I still found a husband so it didn't matter if no one told me this.


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13 Jun 2014, 10:44 pm

If your boyfriend says he's over his ex, I would have to agree with others, and say he's over her. That would be a big thing to lie about, and I couldn't pull it off personally. The best I could do is TRY to cookie coat it by saying I'm not over it, but I'm sure I will be, I'm just going through a transition (all of which would be true, but would give the idea that I'd be over it with time).

The reason why he brings up his ex is probably because he doesn't know how NOT to. When he refers back to his past, she was a part of it, and that is just a fact. So where as you might say, "I remember when I spent a week at a cabin in the woods during Christmas. It was so pretty." He would say, "I remember when I spent a week at a cabin in the woods with Martha, it was so romantic."

Now, you may see the difference, but there's more to this example then you think. You are looking back with nostalgia to a cabin in the woods, and you excluded the fact that you spent that time with your ex. It was just a happy memory for you. However, for him, he could care less about his ex because you are all he cares about (AS folks are like that, they want one person and they become their focus), and he's just making a SUGGESTION. But what he SHOULD have said was, "Darling, let's go spend a week at a cabin in the woods, it would be so romantic." Why didn't he say that? First, he lacks tact. Secondly, because he's had a past experience that PROVES spending a week in a cabin during Christmas is romantic, he can't pass up the opportunity to provide it at EVIDENCE. He's trying to convince you.

So, I hope this kind of gives you some insight into the tactless, faithful, ever so well meaning mind of an AS person. I bet you he's more devoted to you then you know. Just ask him.



Frankie123
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14 Jun 2014, 5:33 am

Thanks everyone, that's all really helpful :D xx



sly279
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14 Jun 2014, 3:50 pm

hmm

I don't know that I stop loving people. I guess it gets less strong after I haven't interacted with them or maybe it morphs into another kind of love. I've never had a actual relationship so i don' know what love after being growing for years would be like after it was over.

like others said I am overly honest, I have learned not to talk about past women with new dates though.

hope it works out.



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14 Jun 2014, 10:15 pm

I talked about stuff with my 1st ex with my 2nd girlfriend & I talk about both exes with my current fairly regularly. I'm over both on em but they both changed me in various ways. Sometimes I mention them because I learned certain things in those relationships like various behavior that isn't the best or most appropriate for my current relationship/girlfriend. For example certain things I did annoyed & frustrated my exes that my current girlfriend likes or works better for her. I'm insecure because of the major problems those things caused in those two relationships & pains I went through to change & breakups being related to what I couldn't so I kind of doubt some things that reassurance or acceptance from my current girlfriend helps. I'm not bothered by her bringing up her ex boyfriend or another guy she liked because I know she loves me & won't leave me for them or anaything.


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Frankie123
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17 Jun 2014, 5:45 am

Lads, your help was so helpful and reassurring and miles better than the internet and my friends (who both seem to have to little to no understanding of aspergers anyway). I have a new 'problem' and it is possibly unrelated to aspergers?
So I'm really interested in gender theory and one of my close friends and flatmates is trans and on tumblr and I ended up even though I don't have a tumblr wandering around gender theory tumblr sites digging myself deeper and deeper into the internet thinking about my own gender and reading other peoples stuff. Anyway so I find my boyfirends ex's tumblr so I click on it and initially its harmless, (I didn't enjoy it and I like to think it didn't have anything to do with the fact they are my boyfirends ex and just that they are very sarcastic and aggressive to people who disagree with them online :/.... but anyway that's besides the point). So the whole thing seemed to be gender theory related so I thought it seemed harmless scrolling and I was morbidly interested what type of person they would stay with for four years but then the posts start getting a bit tmi and diary style. They start saying their ex is a jackass etc with not a lot of reasoning (even though they haven't been in touch since the breakup?). Then I find this post written the day he broke up with them and it was sad etc etc (obviously it was about a break up) but they gave a very specific reason he decided to end it and up until now I was sort of assuming because he talks about their disagreements so often it was just mounting bad feeling that led him to leave them but the way they put it, it was all to do with the fact at the grand age of 22 (he is 24 now) he wanted children.... with them... and they didn't. Not immediately but they even gave a time frame which he came up with - within the next ten years. This really shook me that they were so confident in their relationship so young they thought they would be together in ten years!? and that they were seemingly still in love with each other. I'm really confused it really goes to odds with the various disagreements he talks about insulting his family and moralizing about religion etc. I don;t know if I should just let this pass... I want to... common sense tells me this was nearly two years ago and it would be ridiculous to bring it up but part of me is terrified, that although I want children, not necessarily with him and the idea now put in my head makes me feel under pressure, that so young he would make these sorts of plan as if he was planning this way at 22, what is going on his head at 24!? It also just adds to all the previous insecurity that I have to live up to this huge, first and only love he had whom I have now discovered he wanted to have a family with !? Should I bring this up? I really really want to let it pass and part of me thinks they are exaggerating but they wrote it in such an almost sweetly sad calm manner and on the day of the breakup if there was an angry bitter tone, I would immediately assume exaggeration or even lying. And on the other hand he really doesn't lye or even sugar coat as someone says so I can't lump it on him? and it uneeringly fits in very well to all his talk about family and how much he wants one. I think there is probably no point in bringing this up, the things is we have no problems we could well be together in a few years and want to start a family, it's just my discomfort with the new level of pressure that he left someone so young (seemingly just) because of that even though if they were happy given their age, they could have had a couple more years together without even thinking about it.... Help? I'm sorry if this is very unrelated to AS but any connections you could make would be great.



Frankie123
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17 Jun 2014, 7:04 am

Aw guys, I don't think I'm even worth a reply, I was just getting anxious and having a vent. I'm just not inclined to plan the future like that which he obviously does so so far ahead and it made me feel under pressure. But if we're happy NOW then we are happy :D
Bringing something from the past up as if it will still be relevant years in the future is quite silly when we might not even be in touch or well anything or applying his feelings for them (such as wanting a family) straight onto me also doesn't make sense.

It's all about the here and now lads :D

Thanks for your help xx