Help me please!! ! Husband has Aspergers

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If suicide is a risk, this would also be something to factor into the ethical consideration. It is highly unlikely that a father's suicide after a divorce would have a positive impact on a child with whom he has a good relationship.

The scenario in which she would say "thanks for pushing dad over the edge, mom" is difficult to imagine.

On the other hand, "you have to let me scream at the kid, or I'll off myself" is not a persuasive argument, either.

Mom may need a lot of therapy before she is can think clearly about her options in any case.

Jacob and KC73, I think you're both pretty over the top about this. Her husband isn't beating their daughter. He has some scary outbursts. That's a problem, but it's not an emergency, and both divorce and marriage are more complex than you're making them out to be. She has to work carefully, and just walking off with her child isn't an option, legally. Custody doesn't work that way. And there are other issues too, to do with preserving family and peace for her daughter.

Suicide -- you know, come on, nobody's said anything about that, and...I really don't think you guys know what you're talking about, there.

Calm and realism are people's friends in situations like these.

No one mentioned suicide, but if her husband is autistic, that would not be at all unlikely.

In fact, JakobV did introduce the idea, though I think he.may have been using both hyperbole and sarcasm--I am not really sure. I continued to discuss it as if the idea on its own merit because it could become an issue.

The research certainly supports what you say.
http://www.medicaldaily.com/adults-aspe ... hts-289830

We cannot know that the outgoing, socially successful husband who misses a few social cues and has a bad temper actually has Aspergers, though.

The OP says she doesn't really know much about Aspergers but is certain he has it. Tarantella64 seems to agree, based on her own history, which doesn't seem relevant... deciding that he has it and reaching conclusions based on that seems really premature.

I don't know whether he's got AS and don't think the diagnosis matters anything like as much as his actual behavior. I'm just not willing to go with the standard WP "NT says jerky spouse has AS, spouse cannot possibly have AS but is just a jerk, stop NTs from associating jerks with AS" line. Is entirely possible to be a jerk with AS, and for the AS, as well as the jerkiness, to cause problems in the family.

Of course. But in either case, the thing is to deal with the problem behavior, not trace it back to first causes or assign blame to a neurological condition about which he can do exactly nothing.

What doesn't make sense is framing this bad situation in terms of the importance of getting him to "come to terms with" it (the diagnosis that has not been made) when it hasn't been defined and the very real problems are already out in the open.

It also doesn't make sense to leave the assertion that jerk behavior is a criterion for an AS diagnosis unchallenged.
The actual symptoms of AS can lead to unintended jerk behavior and some people with AS are just jerks and act like it with full intention--no disagreement there. But "my husband is a jerk, how can I get him to accept his AS?" doesn't make sense.