Page 1 of 3 [ 36 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

Sarah99
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 11

22 Jun 2014, 10:45 am

Hi everyone,

I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I recently discovered that my husband has Aspergers. I've known for a long time that something was up with him but since we've been married and had a baby things have really gone down hill. I do EVERYTHING around the house and took a year out of my MSW degree to take care of our daughter. This wouldn't be so bad if my husband provided financially for us but I am using my savings to pay for half of everything. Its completely a one sided relationship. My ex-boyfriend who I was with for 7 years also had Aspergers but was so completely different to my husband that I didn't recognize the same signs in him. My ex was very shy and socially awkward and initially I felt sorry for him and just wanted to be friends. Somehow he ended up moving in to my place within a month and I fell in love with him. My husband on the other hand is very outgoing and sociable despite some minor issues with social cues. The common theme with both of them is lack of responsibility, constant criticism and negativity, lack of empathy, and lack of emotional depth with conversations. They also both have very low frustration tolerance.

I've worked with people who have Autism on the lower functioning side for a long time so I'm a little surprised I didn't pick up on this earlier (although obviously autism is very different to aspergers). We went to couples therapy because things were so bad (I was a full time student with a newborn and no help from husband). He made us quit therapy because he didn't like what the therapist had to say. Its been about 2 mths since we quit therapy and last week I called the therapist to ask if he thought my husband had Aspergers. He said its quite possible and listed a number of things to support that view. He said it may not be a good idea to tell my husband directly since he is so extremely defensive and instead I should address each issue separately and then take accountability for issues he has with me. The therapist also said knowledge about one's condition is very powerful and can help them overcome many of their difficulties. So I decided to ask my husband whether he was ever diagnosed or had a possible diagnosis of Aspergers when he was younger. He had told me that as a child he was very quiet and never spoke until adolescence when he received speech therapy. He said they tested him for things like ADHD but nothing showed up.

When I mentioned this possibility to him he started acting really strange and distant. I told him that I love him for who he is and would never abandon him over something like this. He always made fun of people with autism and aspergers so I can only imagine how he must have felt to hear this. I told him the negative things he sees in the media about people with aspergers are very isolated cases and most people are perfectly capable of functioning in relationships and society. Since I told him he has been acting even more distant than usual so I asked him what was up. He said that there is something seriously wrong with me and I need to get psychological help because I think he has Aspergers. He had an explanation for every sign or symptom that I mentioned and somehow managed to put it back on me and make it my fault.

Since I mentioned getting a divorce last year he has completely changed towards me and even more so now that I mentioned the Aspergers. He used to be affectionate and always tell me how beautiful I am. Now he doesn't even want to be around me and its like I'm just a room mate (or live in nanny). I do still love him but this relationship is killing me inside. He clearly loves our daughter and is wonderful at playing with her which makes it harder for me to leave him. I suggested couples therapy again with a different therapist but he said he will consider it only after I get help myself. I think he is scared that the therapist may pick up on the Aspergers so he is trying to avoid it. He doesn't want to get divorced but I don't see how we will move forward. I feel exhausted, lonely, and at a complete loss. Is there anyway to help him come to terms with this diagnosis? How likely is it to have a successful marriage when one partner has Aspergers? Any advice on what I should do?

Thanks,
Sarah



sacrip
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Oct 2008
Age: 50
Gender: Male
Posts: 844

22 Jun 2014, 11:13 am

If his "price" for going to couples therapy is for you to get your own counseling, I'd go ahead and do it. Maybe he really thinks you need it, or maybe it's a stalling tactic, or maybe it's just him being a jerk ("No, YOU'RE crazy, not me"), but getting it can't hurt you and it'll show him that you're serious about what you want from him.


_________________
Everything would be better if you were in charge.


starvingartist
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Oct 2008
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,032

22 Jun 2014, 11:49 am

Sarah99 wrote:
Hi everyone,

I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I recently discovered that my husband has Aspergers. I've known for a long time that something was up with him but since we've been married and had a baby things have really gone down hill. I do EVERYTHING around the house and took a year out of my MSW degree to take care of our daughter. This wouldn't be so bad if my husband provided financially for us but I am using my savings to pay for half of everything. Its completely a one sided relationship. My ex-boyfriend who I was with for 7 years also had Aspergers but was so completely different to my husband that I didn't recognize the same signs in him. My ex was very shy and socially awkward and initially I felt sorry for him and just wanted to be friends. Somehow he ended up moving in to my place within a month and I fell in love with him. My husband on the other hand is very outgoing and sociable despite some minor issues with social cues. The common theme with both of them is lack of responsibility, constant criticism and negativity, lack of empathy, and lack of emotional depth with conversations. They also both have very low frustration tolerance.

I've worked with people who have Autism on the lower functioning side for a long time so I'm a little surprised I didn't pick up on this earlier (although obviously autism is very different to aspergers). We went to couples therapy because things were so bad (I was a full time student with a newborn and no help from husband). He made us quit therapy because he didn't like what the therapist had to say. Its been about 2 mths since we quit therapy and last week I called the therapist to ask if he thought my husband had Aspergers. He said its quite possible and listed a number of things to support that view. He said it may not be a good idea to tell my husband directly since he is so extremely defensive and instead I should address each issue separately and then take accountability for issues he has with me. The therapist also said knowledge about one's condition is very powerful and can help them overcome many of their difficulties. So I decided to ask my husband whether he was ever diagnosed or had a possible diagnosis of Aspergers when he was younger. He had told me that as a child he was very quiet and never spoke until adolescence when he received speech therapy. He said they tested him for things like ADHD but nothing showed up.

When I mentioned this possibility to him he started acting really strange and distant. I told him that I love him for who he is and would never abandon him over something like this. He always made fun of people with autism and aspergers so I can only imagine how he must have felt to hear this. I told him the negative things he sees in the media about people with aspergers are very isolated cases and most people are perfectly capable of functioning in relationships and society. Since I told him he has been acting even more distant than usual so I asked him what was up. He said that there is something seriously wrong with me and I need to get psychological help because I think he has Aspergers. He had an explanation for every sign or symptom that I mentioned and somehow managed to put it back on me and make it my fault.

Since I mentioned getting a divorce last year he has completely changed towards me and even more so now that I mentioned the Aspergers. He used to be affectionate and always tell me how beautiful I am. Now he doesn't even want to be around me and its like I'm just a room mate (or live in nanny). I do still love him but this relationship is killing me inside. He clearly loves our daughter and is wonderful at playing with her which makes it harder for me to leave him. I suggested couples therapy again with a different therapist but he said he will consider it only after I get help myself. I think he is scared that the therapist may pick up on the Aspergers so he is trying to avoid it. He doesn't want to get divorced but I don't see how we will move forward. I feel exhausted, lonely, and at a complete loss. Is there anyway to help him come to terms with this diagnosis? How likely is it to have a successful marriage when one partner has Aspergers? Any advice on what I should do?

Thanks,
Sarah


sounds to me like he's worried the therapist will pick up on the fact that he's a selfish as*hole.

this doesn't sound like asperger's to me. even if he is on the spectrum (which sounds unlikely from the way you describe him), it's not being on the spectrum that is the source of this guy's problem--being a prick is the source of his problem. why do you love someone who treats you like how you describe this man? i think it is a good idea to continue therapy on your own just to find your own strength and why you seem to be drawn to men who use you/don't respect you. perhaps a therapist can help you learn to believe that you deserve better in a relationship than the scraps you are getting from this douchebag.



tarantella64
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Feb 2011
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,850

22 Jun 2014, 1:01 pm

There two issues here.

One, he doesn't want to go to therapy and doesn't think there's anything wrong with him, and doesn't want the criticism. So I would bet money that even if you met his conditions, he'd still flake.

Two, you have a real problem when it comes to divorce. You don't say where you are, but if you're in the US and you're employed and he's not, and he's good with the child, odds are not terrible that he'll be the custodial parent. You really need to talk to a knowledgeable -- and I stress knowledgeable -- divorce lawyer about this. Even if he's not custodial, if he wants shared care, he may wind up getting it. Then your daughter's spending half her life in his care alone (or with whoever he takes up with). Oh, and you'll be paying child support.

If I were you, I would start documenting the problems now, though I can tell you that "doesn't lift a finger" won't be enough to change what I wrote above. The bar for custodial parents is quite low. You may also need to change how you work in order to show yourself to be an exemplary parent.

As for the AS -- it's entirely possible to have comorbid conditions: AS and as*hole. But I would refrain from diagnosing if I were you and focus on dealing with problems you can actually take care of. One thing to do is to downsize your life, since -- if you're living partially off savings -- this isn't sustainable.

ETA: I'm actually confused about the money situation. Is he working, he just doesn't pay more than "his half"?



Rocket123
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Dec 2012
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,188
Location: Lost in Space

22 Jun 2014, 1:09 pm

Sarah99 wrote:
The common theme with both of them is lack of responsibility, constant criticism and negativity, lack of empathy, and lack of emotional depth with conversations. They also both have very low frustration tolerance.


Other than the lack of responsibility, this sounds like something my wife might say when she gets frustrated with me. With the exception that I try to be helpful around the house.

In any event, I suspect if your husband did have Aspergers, he would become curious about it. Maybe first he would read an article about it. And, if that resonated with him, would begin reading more and more. As he would become fascinated that there is a reason to explain a seemingly unrelated and bizarre set of behavioral symptoms. More importantly, that these bizarre set of behavioral symptoms are shared by others. At least that's what happened to me. And, that same story has been shared by other adults who learned about Aspergers later in life.



tarantella64
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Feb 2011
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,850

22 Jun 2014, 2:57 pm

Rocket123 wrote:
Sarah99 wrote:
The common theme with both of them is lack of responsibility, constant criticism and negativity, lack of empathy, and lack of emotional depth with conversations. They also both have very low frustration tolerance.


Other than the lack of responsibility, this sounds like something my wife might say when she gets frustrated with me. With the exception that I try to be helpful around the house.

In any event, I suspect if your husband did have Aspergers, he would become curious about it. Maybe first he would read an article about it. And, if that resonated with him, would begin reading more and more. As he would become fascinated that there is a reason to explain a seemingly unrelated and bizarre set of behavioral symptoms. More importantly, that these bizarre set of behavioral symptoms are shared by others. At least that's what happened to me. And, that same story has been shared by other adults who learned about Aspergers later in life.


There are also people who want nothing to do with the diagnosis or the implicit hopelessness of a congenital condition and don't want to be associated with autistics. And others who might admit it to themselves but will never in a million years allow it to be said out loud.



Ann2011
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Jul 2011
Age: 53
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,843
Location: Ontario, Canada

22 Jun 2014, 4:23 pm

starvingartist wrote:
sounds to me like he's worried the therapist will pick up on the fact that he's a selfish as*hole.


^^This^^

I'm not really seeing autism, but many signs of assholery. Especially that he views any question about his mental health as a sign of the asker's illness. Not a good sign.



Sarah99
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 11

22 Jun 2014, 8:24 pm

sacrip wrote:
If his "price" for going to couples therapy is for you to get your own counseling, I'd go ahead and do it. Maybe he really thinks you need it, or maybe it's a stalling tactic, or maybe it's just him being a jerk ("No, YOU'RE crazy, not me"), but getting it can't hurt you and it'll show him that you're serious about what you want from him.


That's a good point, either way I think I'm going to need a therapist to get a clear perspective on this and to get through it.



Sarah99
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 11

22 Jun 2014, 8:48 pm

starvingartist wrote:
Sarah99 wrote:
Hi everyone,

I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I recently discovered that my husband has Aspergers. I've known for a long time that something was up with him but since we've been married and had a baby things have really gone down hill. I do EVERYTHING around the house and took a year out of my MSW degree to take care of our daughter. This wouldn't be so bad if my husband provided financially for us but I am using my savings to pay for half of everything. Its completely a one sided relationship. My ex-boyfriend who I was with for 7 years also had Aspergers but was so completely different to my husband that I didn't recognize the same signs in him. My ex was very shy and socially awkward and initially I felt sorry for him and just wanted to be friends. Somehow he ended up moving in to my place within a month and I fell in love with him. My husband on the other hand is very outgoing and sociable despite some minor issues with social cues. The common theme with both of them is lack of responsibility, constant criticism and negativity, lack of empathy, and lack of emotional depth with conversations. They also both have very low frustration tolerance.

I've worked with people who have Autism on the lower functioning side for a long time so I'm a little surprised I didn't pick up on this earlier (although obviously autism is very different to aspergers). We went to couples therapy because things were so bad (I was a full time student with a newborn and no help from husband). He made us quit therapy because he didn't like what the therapist had to say. Its been about 2 mths since we quit therapy and last week I called the therapist to ask if he thought my husband had Aspergers. He said its quite possible and listed a number of things to support that view. He said it may not be a good idea to tell my husband directly since he is so extremely defensive and instead I should address each issue separately and then take accountability for issues he has with me. The therapist also said knowledge about one's condition is very powerful and can help them overcome many of their difficulties. So I decided to ask my husband whether he was ever diagnosed or had a possible diagnosis of Aspergers when he was younger. He had told me that as a child he was very quiet and never spoke until adolescence when he received speech therapy. He said they tested him for things like ADHD but nothing showed up.

When I mentioned this possibility to him he started acting really strange and distant. I told him that I love him for who he is and would never abandon him over something like this. He always made fun of people with autism and aspergers so I can only imagine how he must have felt to hear this. I told him the negative things he sees in the media about people with aspergers are very isolated cases and most people are perfectly capable of functioning in relationships and society. Since I told him he has been acting even more distant than usual so I asked him what was up. He said that there is something seriously wrong with me and I need to get psychological help because I think he has Aspergers. He had an explanation for every sign or symptom that I mentioned and somehow managed to put it back on me and make it my fault.

Since I mentioned getting a divorce last year he has completely changed towards me and even more so now that I mentioned the Aspergers. He used to be affectionate and always tell me how beautiful I am. Now he doesn't even want to be around me and its like I'm just a room mate (or live in nanny). I do still love him but this relationship is killing me inside. He clearly loves our daughter and is wonderful at playing with her which makes it harder for me to leave him. I suggested couples therapy again with a different therapist but he said he will consider it only after I get help myself. I think he is scared that the therapist may pick up on the Aspergers so he is trying to avoid it. He doesn't want to get divorced but I don't see how we will move forward. I feel exhausted, lonely, and at a complete loss. Is there anyway to help him come to terms with this diagnosis? How likely is it to have a successful marriage when one partner has Aspergers? Any advice on what I should do?

Thanks,
Sarah


sounds to me like he's worried the therapist will pick up on the fact that he's a selfish as*hole.

this doesn't sound like asperger's to me. even if he is on the spectrum (which sounds unlikely from the way you describe him), it's not being on the spectrum that is the source of this guy's problem--being a prick is the source of his problem. why do you love someone who treats you like how you describe this man? i think it is a good idea to continue therapy on your own just to find your own strength and why you seem to be drawn to men who use you/don't respect you. perhaps a therapist can help you learn to believe that you deserve better in a relationship than the scraps you are getting from this douchebag.


Thanks starvingartist. Yes I have often wondered why I find myself in these types of relationships. I always feel guilty and don't want to hurt people's feelings so I put up with a lot of crap. Both my ex and my husband pursued me quite aggressively but my husband was very charming when he did so. After the marriage his real side showed. I want to believe that the stress of him getting a new job (he was previously unemployed for 2 years), and having a baby is what caused this change to happen. The reason I fell in love with him is because he is funny, down to earth, and seemed like a nice guy. The more I got to know him the more I wondered if he was a narcissist from the extremely cold and self-absorbed comments he would make. It seems like he has no awareness of how he affects other people. Then on the other hand he can be extremely friendly and social with people and morally conscious. Its confusing.



Sarah99
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 11

22 Jun 2014, 9:28 pm

tarantella64 wrote:
There two issues here.

One, he doesn't want to go to therapy and doesn't think there's anything wrong with him, and doesn't want the criticism. So I would bet money that even if you met his conditions, he'd still flake.

Two, you have a real problem when it comes to divorce. You don't say where you are, but if you're in the US and you're employed and he's not, and he's good with the child, odds are not terrible that he'll be the custodial parent. You really need to talk to a knowledgeable -- and I stress knowledgeable -- divorce lawyer about this. Even if he's not custodial, if he wants shared care, he may wind up getting it. Then your daughter's spending half her life in his care alone (or with whoever he takes up with). Oh, and you'll be paying child support.

If I were you, I would start documenting the problems now, though I can tell you that "doesn't lift a finger" won't be enough to change what I wrote above. The bar for custodial parents is quite low. You may also need to change how you work in order to show yourself to be an exemplary parent.

As for the AS -- it's entirely possible to have comorbid conditions: AS and as*hole. But I would refrain from diagnosing if I were you and focus on dealing with problems you can actually take care of. One thing to do is to downsize your life, since -- if you're living partially off savings -- this isn't sustainable.

ETA: I'm actually confused about the money situation. Is he working, he just doesn't pay more than "his half"?


Thanks tarentella64I definitely think as#hole is part of his diagnosis. I do get the feeling he won't end up going to therapy even if I go alone, although if I mention divorce again he may change his mind. He is great when it comes to playing with our daughter but his low frustration tolerance and lack of care skills (i.e. bathing, cleaning, feeding etc) can be a problem. He was supposed to be on night duty once a week so I could get rest. However I always end up getting up because he doesn't want to deal with her crying. The other night he had tried to rock her to sleep and when he put her down she started crying again. He got really frustrated and slammed her door shut yelling "what the hell is wrong with her". Clearly he would not be able to handle her without me. I was thinking the therapist would be a good character witness although I'm not sure if that would be allowed.

Its a really tricky situation I'm in because I'm originally from Australia and was here in the US for several years on a work visa and then switched to student visa. I got married last year and recently got a greencard which has to be renewed in 2 years and is conditional upon being married to a US citizen. If I get divorced technically I will have to go back to Aus. I can try to appeal it but I don't know if I want to. I have briefly looked into international custody laws and it seems like they make decisions based on what is best for the child which is generally with the mother (unless they move to a 3rd world country). I will be much better off financially if I go back home since I own my own house there and have family and friends who would be more than willing to provide childcare if I need it. My husband is currently working after being unemployed for 2 years and makes a decent salary of 85+K a year. He wants me to pay half of everything because he went through all of his 401K when he was unemployed and needs to build it back up again. I do have adequate savings to survive on although it just seems a little unfair seeing as I do everything. My other issue is that I would feel tremendous guilt in taking his daughter away from him when clearly she is the most important person in the world to him. He really does adore her despite his frustration problems. She is reason enough for him to really try and make this work.



Sarah99
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 11

22 Jun 2014, 9:31 pm

Ann2011 wrote:
starvingartist wrote:
sounds to me like he's worried the therapist will pick up on the fact that he's a selfish as*hole.


^^This^^

I'm not really seeing autism, but many signs of assholery. Especially that he views any question about his mental health as a sign of the asker's illness. Not a good sign.


Yes I think there is definitely some as#holery there but also he may be in extreme denial that he may have the condition.



Adamantium
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Feb 2013
Age: 1024
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,863
Location: Erehwon

23 Jun 2014, 7:42 am

Sarah99 wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:
starvingartist wrote:
sounds to me like he's worried the therapist will pick up on the fact that he's a selfish as*hole.


^^This^^

I'm not really seeing autism, but many signs of assholery. Especially that he views any question about his mental health as a sign of the asker's illness. Not a good sign.


Yes I think there is definitely some as#holery there but also he may be in extreme denial that he may have the condition.


I see the possibility of something else here.

You say he "may" have an autism spectrum disorder, but give little evidence that he has one and some details that seem very unlike autism, yet you ask for help in bringing him to "accept the diagnosis."

At the same time, you mention that when you discussed the same issue with a professional who saw you and your husband, he did not confirm your amateur diagnosis of your husband, but instead told you not to focus on this possibility, certainly not to bring it up with your husband (advice which you ignored.) The therapist told you to deal directly with your actual grievances with your husband. The therapist also told you to deal with your husbands grievances with yourself-whatever those are.

My thought on reading about this sociable outgoing guy with whom your relationship has soured is not that you need advice from people about autism, but that you need to stop using the idea of autism as a distancing device to keep you from engaging directly with the issues that have destroyed your marriage.

I find your rapid changes of course on what you want for the future of the marriage confusing:

You would never leave if he has Aspergers (does this mean you want it to be Aspergers so you can use that as a reason not to leave?).
His good relationship with your daughter makes it hard for you to leave.
You are surprised that he got cold after you discussed divorce with him.
You want to know if marriages with Aspergers can work (the ones that work can)
You want advice on helping him come to terms with a diagnosis that has not been made, despite professional advice to deal with behavioral issues directly rather than imagined causes for them.



Last edited by Adamantium on 24 Jun 2014, 10:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

Waterfalls
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,075

23 Jun 2014, 4:32 pm

Sarah I don't know you and there is nothing in what you've written that says Aspie. But I've noticed sometimes Aspie men partner with Aspie women. And when that happens things aren't always easy, misunderstandings and hurt feelings still occur. So I'm not asking related to you, just to that pattern of pairing up. Do you think you could have any broader autism phenotype or even have ASD yourself?



tarantella64
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Feb 2011
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,850

24 Jun 2014, 11:55 am

Sarah, pay no mind, the above is routine when someone who hasn't got autism starts talking about someone who has traits of both AS and assholery. It's a defensive thing. Anyway: I see your difficulty. The thing is, you really cannot count on a court to give you custody, particularly if your daughter has other family she's attached to here and your husband spends significant time playing with her -- even if you're overseeing it. That reads to the court as "great and involved dad", and if he wants custody, they will most certainly consider it. Since you both work, his employment won't be a factor. Undiagnosed AS will not be admissible; diagnosed AS is unlikely to do much for you if he's able to get along at a well-paid job. Things have changed a lot in custody in the last decade.

Frankly, even if you got custody, you'd still have problems. Your decree would likely require you to send your daughter to him for unsupervised visitation for several weeks each year. If he didn't want you around then, he could make you go away, hand her off at the airport and say goodbye. If your husband happened to be involved with someone less than stable, you'd be sending your daughter into the care of the two of them, again, for weeks at a time.

Even leaving aside the question of your daughter's growing up so far from her daddy, it's a tricky and expensive thing, international custody. Talk to knowledgeable lawyers where you are, but it may be better for your daughter if you just stay here.

It seems to me the two things you need to do right away -- because remember, he can file, too -- are to document his impatience with her and get your visa situation sorted. If recording someone else is legal in your state, and he's reliably terrible and angry about her crying, capture this and store the recording someplace away from home. And see about a work visa. At what point can you naturalize?



Rocket123
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Dec 2012
Age: 61
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,188
Location: Lost in Space

24 Jun 2014, 12:30 pm

This is an odd thread.

It starts with, "Help me please!! ! Husband has Aspergers" and "I told him that I love him for who he is" and "I do still love him" and ? He clearly loves our daughter and is wonderful at playing with her"

Maybe I am missing something, but this entire discussion on custody strategy seems a bit extreme. As a parent, you should be doing whatever is in the best interest of your daughter. She didn?t ask to be brought into the world. And, in my opinion, you should consider her needs above all else.



Sarah99
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 11

24 Jun 2014, 2:09 pm

Adamantium wrote:
Sarah99 wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:
starvingartist wrote:
sounds to me like he's worried the therapist will pick up on the fact that he's a selfish as*hole.


^^This^^

I'm not really seeing autism, but many signs of assholery. Especially that he views any question about his mental health as a sign of the asker's illness. Not a good sign.


Yes I think there is definitely some as#holery there but also he may be in extreme denial that he may have the condition.


I see the possibility of something else here.

You say he "may" have an autism spectrum disorder, but give little evidence that he has one and some details that seem very unlike autism, yet you ask for help in bringing him to "accept the diagnosis."

At the same time, you mention that when you discussed the same issue with a professional who saw you and your husband, he did not confirm your amateur diagnosis of your husband, but instead told you not to focus on this possibility, certainly not to bring it up with your husband (advice which you ignored.) The therapist told you to deal directly with your actual grievances with your husband. The therapist also told you to deal with your husbands grievances with yourself-whatever those are.

My thought on reading about this sociable outgoing guy with whom your relationship has soured is not that you need advice from people about autism, but that you need to stop using the idea of autism as a distancing device to keep you from engaging directly with the issues that have destroyed your marriage.

I find your rapid changes of course on what you want for the future of the marriage confusing:

You would never leave if he has Aspergers (does this mean you want it to be Aspergers so you can use that as a reason not to leave?).
His good relationship with your daughter makes it hard for you to leave.
You are surprised that he got cold after you discussed divorce with him.
You want to know if marriages with Aspergers can work (the ones that work can)
You want advice on helping him come to terms with a diagnosis that has not been made, despite professional advice to deal with behavioral issues directly rather than imagined causes for them.


Believe me I am just as confused by the whole situation and I really don't know what I'm dealing with or whether I want to stay with him. The therapist said it may not be a good idea to tell him directly because of his extreme defensiveness. If I address each of my issues separately ie. lack of responsibility he is more likely to listen.

I didn't really go into detail about the signs of Aspergers I notice that are realated to social cues because they don't bother me so much. For the most part he does fine but he has trouble realizing when a conversation has ended and tends to talk at people without listening to them. Sometimes the timing of what he says is wrong and he will laugh or say something inappropriate at the wrong time without realizing it. He is very honest and direct and doesn't seem to understand when it comes across as rude or insensitive and it often feels like he is interrogating instead of asking questions. Apparently clumsiness can be a part of Aspergers and I guess I would describe my husband as being like a bull in a china shop if that makes sense. Lastly from what I've read the age of the father at conception has been linked to ASD's and his father was over 60 when he was conceived.

I could be wrong about all this and maybe these signs are coincidence who knows. I just thought that maybe I would get a better idea by coming here and finding out from people who actually have Aspergers.