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Pietus
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05 Jul 2014, 6:40 pm

Okay, hello, I am diagnosed Aspergers person, but recently have felt like I am going insane.

Because I'm autistic, I've built a list, is this normal, or am I losing it?

1. I hear voices. Mostly in my head, talking to me, babbling nonsense all the time. I cannot make them stop. They scream songs at me, or replay scenes from movies over and over. If they aren't doing that they just talk fast, it can be hard to understand them, and what they want.

2. I do narrate my entire life to myself. Similar to those voices above, I describe almost everything to myself, but I can't help it. Sometimes I think I can see what other people are seeing of me. IF that makes sense.

3. I have conversations with my voices. Sometimes arguments, we do not always agree. These 3 are different but kind of the same.

4. I have recently developed a difficulty in sleeping, although I suspect it is related to bad mattress/autism.

5. I can't trust my own thoughts, not like they're trying to hurt me or anything (Maybe they are), but a lot of the time I seem to be wrong. When remembering what people said to me, or what really happened. I can't tell if my mind is lying to me.

6. I occasionally feel like I am actually someone else, and they are me. If that makes sense, like my entire life isn't real. (Boy that sounds crazy out loud)

7. I often feel the things I'm interested in are more real than myself. For example, I read a lot of comics, after reading them....I frequently feel like the comic (Or sometimes tv show or video game) I just read is more real than my own life. That everything I'm doing is fake.

8. I do self harm. A little. Not for really much reason. Some cuts on my wrist, no need to make a federal case about it. I just feel better afterwards.

9. I often feel (Well, all the time really) like people are lying to me. Like they are saying one thing and actually thinking another. But I seem to be the only person that thinks this.

10. I can easily become paranoid, or trick myself into disliking people. Thinking about them too much when they aren't there, I can start to think they hate me, and I hate them.

11. I feel like I am becoming dumber. I seem to be finding it harder and harder to hold onto thoughts and ideas.

12. I have a lot of trouble organising my thoughts, the way I talk.

So some of those bleed into each other. I feel like I'm half not real, and my entire life I have believed there was something more wrong with me than others. It's difficult though because a lot of these issues technically fall under autism, although I feel they are different or worse.

It's also hard, because I am seventeen, and a little dramatic (Although my memories/voices are more dramatic, often making things more exciting in my memory than they were) nobody really believes me. My parents laugh it off (Good-natured, they're okay) as drama and too many books, plus aspergers (Whole family is diagnosed with it, yay) and I feel plain stupid telling anyone else.

People might listen, but they won't seem to help me. I feel like I'm becoming less and less real.

Thoughts?



cathylynn
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05 Jul 2014, 8:33 pm

i would discuss this with a psychiatrist, especially the voices.



questor
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05 Jul 2014, 11:32 pm

As Cathylynn says, discuss this with a psychiatrist. One possibility is schizophrenia, but there may be others. There may be things the doc can do to help you out, so please see someone for this. Why go through it if you don't have to?



Pietus
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06 Jul 2014, 5:25 am

I suppose I should, but as I said, I can't really trust my own thoughts.

So I may be secretly pretending these are real, when they aren't. But I don't know.

It's so confusing, do I even have problems? I can't trust myself.

Plus I'm seventeen, have no job, and parents won't pay to see someone "Just in case"

AND most of these 'issues' are overshadowed by autism.

f*****g confusing.



Kiriae
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06 Jul 2014, 7:00 am

1. Hearing voices that you can't describe as your own thoughts and got no physical cause is a hallucination. From what you say it looks like you got it severe. Voice hallucinations are not related to autism as far I know. And they are very common in schizophrenia.
2. This might be a normal trait, a copy mechanism, a developed tool to understand reality. Narrating ones life to himself in thoughts is for example common among writers.
3. This could be normal too but it all depends how you describe the voices. Could they be "different yous"? For example personifications of your emotions? If so - it is normal, everyone argues with his own thoughts sometimes. But if you could describe them as totally different people and you can't control what they say at all - it is a problem.
4. Everyone can't sleep sometimes, especially when not comfortable.
5. Memory is a tricky tool - both your experiences and imaginations go there. You might be sure someone did something but in fact you were just imagining them doing it. It happens to everyone sometimes.
6. Derealization/Depersonalization. It can happen in stressing situations (for example I sometimes get it during severe shutdowns) but if it happens without any extreme triggers it sounds like a problem.
7. Sounds like a depression (but the whole "schizophrenic autism" - which is not actually in the autism spectrum, just shares the name - sounds like depression for me so well...).
8. While self harm might be explained by autistic stims it needs to be taken care of anyway. And considering your situation autism doesn't look like the most possible cause.
9. Paranoia. An autistic person might develop it after a lot of bad experiences but it is not so common. And it is a common trait in schizophrenia.
10. Paranoia again.
11. Depression, growing up or real problems with brain functioning.
12. Might be an autistic trait but it is also a common schizophrenic trait.

Considering your hallucinations, delusions, paranoia and age I think you should see a psychiatrist that could diagnose or exclude schizophrenia. It is not uncommon for autistic people to develop it during adolescence and there is a relation between schizophrenia and autism in families (schizophrenic parent has a higher than normal chance give birth to autistic child even if she/he is not in the spectrum herself/himself).

And I doubt your ASD could overshadow the schizophrenia. Asperger could be hidden behind schizophrenia (traits look the same from the outside) but schizophrenia will usually pop up over Asperger because of some specific traits - that you seem to have.

PS: To people willing to say something along the lines "Don't act like you know everything.", "Autism is a spectrum" and such - I am just sharing my opinion according to my personal knowledge. I am not a psychiatrist.



Pietus
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06 Jul 2014, 5:47 pm

Thanks for the help Kiriae, but unfortunately I can't see a psychiatrist right now, due to the fact that most of these problems (The ones I talk about, some of them are secret) are either written off as an asperger thing, or it's just laughed off, "Oh, he's just doing that again. Stop making things up."

And I can't trust my own thoughts. If I sit on a bed, and try to look at myself objectively, and figure out of I really do have something or I'm just stupid, I can't. Suddenly my head is screaming all at once, telling me simultaneously that I'm a complete idiot for even thinking this sort of thing, and also that shouting movie lines and bits from songs at me. It makes it very difficult to concentrate.

And if I try to work out of I'm acting strangely, my head seems to drama it up, and I don't know if I'm making this up, or really have some kind of problem.

It's very frustrating.

I feel so out of control, I can't trust my own thoughts, and I can't tell anyone about these problems, or I'll feel ridiculous. Nowhere is safe for me :(

I just wanted to see if other people, objectively thought that I might actually have some kind of issue. Once I get another job, I'm going to look into getting myself to some psychiatric help (I imagine it's pricey though, yay) even if it just rules something like Schizophrenia out.

But thanks for the help.