I need some dating advice from women

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Ann2011
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17 Jul 2014, 7:19 pm

mattschwartz01 wrote:
I respectfully disagree. When I make a choice to love someone, I do it without condition. I love the whole person, strengths and weaknesses. Sure there will be disagreements and upset at times, but unconditional love is the bedrock.


businezguy wrote:
So I like the way you put it. If you want to get your needs met, just ask. Don't beat around the bush. I'll be there for you, I promise. That's a good way of putting it.


Okay, this is coming in from the dark side so take it for what it's worth: There is no way you can always be there for someone even when you love them. The nature of humans is to change over time. This is why we value learning. Two people do not evolve in the same direction very often. When it happens it's like any great friendship. Surprising and inspiring.
I think too many people have some strange idea that a another's love will validate them. No one validates anyone else. No one can meet another's needs. You have to answer for yourself and take care of yourself. There is no reward of love.

Ultimately, if you can share some enjoyed time with someone even for a moment it's worth a Hell of a lot more than aspiring to some constructed reality of love entitlement.



vickygleitz
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17 Jul 2014, 9:31 pm

There are a couple of women that I hinted around that you might best ignore. I hope you haven't let their "advice" cause you any problems.



businezguy
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17 Jul 2014, 9:47 pm

vickygleitz wrote:
There are a couple of women that I hinted around that you might best ignore. I hope you haven't let their "advice" cause you any problems.


You gave some very useful advice, and I was able to selectively pick advice from those who posted. By piecing together the advice, I was able to figure out a way to secure a second date on Saturday for this upcoming Saturday, and i haven't messaged since. While I don't consider it a great sign that I haven't been messaged by her, she hasn't exactly backed out of our second date, and I do know she has a lot going on. To sum it up, the second date has to be a good one or there won't be a third, or frankly I won't be *interested* in a third. This is our last opportunity to connect.

In the mean time, I have a date on Sunday as well, with a single mother. That will be a first date, and yet I'm feeling somewhat more optimistic about it. That may sound strange, but even though I'm an Asperger's, for some reason I can use logic to sorta assess some people and know if they are for real. I don't think this lady is asking for *too* much.

Anyway, we'll see. There's also a third person I'm in communication with. Due to business trips she hasn't been available, but once that's over, I have a feeling we'll have a date soon.

So I sorta went from freaking out about what to do with this one lady, to having things go sorta fast (for me). I've never had two separate dates on a weekend before. I mean *never*.



Ann2011
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17 Jul 2014, 9:49 pm

vickygleitz wrote:
There are a couple of women that I hinted around that you might best ignore. I hope you haven't let their "advice" cause you any problems.


It's not them, its an accumulation of my own experience. I just get tired of trying to pretend that anything is other than transitory. I know you have a good relationship and that others do to. But when it comes to concepts like unquestionable love and the illusion that by telling someone that you want something, that you will get it. It's just so much bargaining and negotiation.



vickygleitz
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17 Jul 2014, 11:15 pm

Ann, I hope you do not think I am referring to you.



Ann2011
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18 Jul 2014, 7:21 am

vickygleitz wrote:
Ann, I hope you do not think I am referring to you.

Oh, okay, never mind.



vickygleitz
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18 Jul 2014, 11:31 pm

I think if you have to point out what needs need attending to and are forced to ask, then the relationship will probably fail. In a good relationship the partners know each other's needs intuitively. This is why they are good partners.[/quote]

I have a great partner who is not even remotely psychic.



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19 Jul 2014, 12:47 am

Oh dear lord, I think you have it backwards - it's probably actually true that more relationships fail because one partner is tragically disappointed when the other one isn't psychic and their feelings become damaged beyond repair. I've seen this happen repeatedly! It's usually the woman, not sure why so many women are so dumb as to literally expect that - listen to Vicky, she has sense!



Ann2011
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19 Jul 2014, 6:05 am

vickygleitz wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:
I think if you have to point out what needs need attending to and are forced to ask, then the relationship will probably fail. In a good relationship the partners know each other's needs intuitively. This is why they are good partners.


I have a great partner who is not even remotely psychic.


wozeree wrote:
Oh dear lord, I think you have it backwards - it's probably actually true that more relationships fail because one partner is tragically disappointed when the other one isn't psychic and their feelings become damaged beyond repair. I've seen this happen repeatedly! It's usually the woman, not sure why so many women are so dumb as to literally expect that - listen to Vicky, she has sense!


I'm not talking about psychic ability or magic and don't call me dumb.

Some things are pretty clear if you pay attention, empathize and are aware of the temperment of your partner. Obviously some things have to be spoken as the partner has no way to know, but not always. It just seems like such a burden to have to explain myself all the time. But I'm not great relationship material, this is probably one of the reasons.



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19 Jul 2014, 7:35 am

So today is date night #1, and the second date with the lady who is the basis of this thread. I'm a bit nervous, but at least I took as many steps as I felt I could to make an impression. I've been going to the gym 6 days a week, and unlike the past I've been systematically lifting for each area of my body twice a week i.e. shoulders, arms, chest, etc. I can't complain with the results either, as usual with weights and protein muscle clings to me like fish to water. So I actually have arms almost as big as some of the guys who have been lifting for a couple of years (although I still push less weight than they do).

But even with my neatly trimmed beard, the clothes I've picked out, the loss of body fat, the considerable gain in muscle, etc. I still feel really nervous. I wish I could be in a more relaxed stage of a relationship. I do well at that point. Climbing the early dating hurdles is just so difficult.

So it helps to be on here, and let off some steam. See? Even when I'm not driving a lady crazy with text messages, I'm still going to drive you all crazy. :P



The_Face_of_Boo
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19 Jul 2014, 7:47 am

^^^ Araaaaarrrrhhaaaaauhhh shut up!! ! Get out of my damn screen!! !


and oh, good luck.



vickygleitz
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19 Jul 2014, 12:41 pm

Ann2011 wrote:
vickygleitz wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:
I think if you have to point out what needs need attending to and are forced to ask, then the relationship will probably fail. In a good relationship the partners know each other's needs intuitively. This is why they are good partners.


I have a great partner who is not even remotely psychic.


wozeree wrote:
Oh dear lord, I think you have it backwards - it's probably actually true that more relationships fail because one partner is tragically disappointed when the other one isn't psychic and their feelings become damaged beyond repair. I've seen this happen repeatedly! It's usually the woman, not sure why so many women are so dumb as to literally expect that - listen to Vicky, she has sense!


I'm not talking about psychic ability or magic and don't call me dumb.

Some things are pretty clear if you pay attention, empathize and are aware of the temperment of your partner. Obviously some things have to be spoken as the partner has no way to know, but not always. It just seems like such a burden to have to explain myself all the time. But I'm not great relationship material, this is probably one of the reasons.


okay, my dear. We had better sit down and talk. I see [hell, I FEEL] your compassion and loving heart. I sense that you have been a fighter all your life. Don't give up now! And you ARE relationship material. You care. You are smart. You love. You are good at certain things men love. You have worked most of your life, but going through some Autistic burnout right now, I wish you and Skibum and Wowzerree and a few others of us were in the same area, We would have such fun together. And we'd create some extraordinary careers and change the perception people have of autistics. And find you that dream relationship. I AM so angry at whoever made you feel that you ae not relationship material.



wozeree
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19 Jul 2014, 12:49 pm

Ann2011 wrote:
vickygleitz wrote:
Ann2011 wrote:
I think if you have to point out what needs need attending to and are forced to ask, then the relationship will probably fail. In a good relationship the partners know each other's needs intuitively. This is why they are good partners.


I have a great partner who is not even remotely psychic.


wozeree wrote:
Oh dear lord, I think you have it backwards - it's probably actually true that more relationships fail because one partner is tragically disappointed when the other one isn't psychic and their feelings become damaged beyond repair. I've seen this happen repeatedly! It's usually the woman, not sure why so many women are so dumb as to literally expect that - listen to Vicky, she has sense!


I'm not talking about psychic ability or magic and don't call me dumb.

Some things are pretty clear if you pay attention, empathize and are aware of the temperment of your partner. Obviously some things have to be spoken as the partner has no way to know, but not always. It just seems like such a burden to have to explain myself all the time. But I'm not great relationship material, this is probably one of the reasons.


Hi Ann, sorry, I wasn't calling you dumb! I wasn't really even calling the women I've seen doing it dumb. I just meant that I have seen some women get angry and very hurt because men didn't intuitively know things that they could not have intuitively known - they're not dumb, just sometimes doing dumb things. (Sorry, I just phrased it badly, I would never call you dumb! :D)



Ann2011
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19 Jul 2014, 2:33 pm

vickygleitz wrote:
okay, my dear. We had better sit down and talk. I see [hell, I FEEL] your compassion and loving heart. I sense that you have been a fighter all your life. Don't give up now! And you ARE relationship material. You care. You are smart. You love. You are good at certain things men love. You have worked most of your life, but going through some Autistic burnout right now, I wish you and Skibum and Wowzerree and a few others of us were in the same area, We would have such fun together. And we'd create some extraordinary careers and change the perception people have of autistics. And find you that dream relationship. I AM so angry at whoever made you feel that you ae not relationship material.


I'm not giving up. Thanks, Vicky. :D

wozeree wrote:
Hi Ann, sorry, I wasn't calling you dumb! I wasn't really even calling the women I've seen doing it dumb. I just meant that I have seen some women get angry and very hurt because men didn't intuitively know things that they could not have intuitively known - they're not dumb, just sometimes doing dumb things. (Sorry, I just phrased it badly, I would never call you dumb! :D)


No worries. I know this is sexist, but I've often found that women are more intuitively aware of the needs of others. I know I have been frustrated by mens' unawareness at times.