Aspie boyfriend needs constant reassurance

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jesscojess
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06 Aug 2014, 5:04 pm

First of all, hello! I'm new here, been reading lots of posts but this is the first I've made. My name is Jess, and I am a 32 year old NT woman dating a 44 year old aspie man. This is my first relationship with an aspie, though in the past I worked very closely with several aspie children as a special needs preschool teacher. Despite my experience with AS, I have found that having a relationship with someone with AS definitely presents its own challenges.

My guy is very high functioning, and most people wouldn?t recognize him as an aspie right away. He maintains a home (for his brother as well as himself) and has a good job, he has good friends who have accepted me into the fold as well, and we both have similar interests and beliefs. I didn?t know when I first met him that he had AS, he told me during our first ?real? interaction with one another (I fell head over heels for him and pursued the relationship, even though he literally ran away from me the first several times we met). As soon as he said he was on the spectrum, my brain lit up with recognition, and I think I might have actually said ?Of course! It all makes sense now!?

I?ve been looking at information about dating an aspie man since our relationship became more serious (we recently began living together) in order to gain insight into how to best go about keeping our relationship as happy and fulfilling as it has been thus far.

The biggest things I picked up on right away with my aspie man make so much more sense to me now that I have read a little into dating adults with asperger?s. Like the fact that, even though he?s the most caring man I?ve ever been with, and generally very good at making sure my needs are taken care of, if he has a pressing need it will almost always eclipse anything I need. For instance, when I was just visiting his home, If we were both hungry, he would make his food first even though ?common courtesy rules? generally dictate that you should offer your guest food before yourself. I?ve found that ?common courtesy rules? are kind of silly though, for the most part, and have adapted to make sure he gets what he needs in order to keep both of us happy. As long as I vocalize the things that are important to me that I need, I?ve also found I?ll get them. I can?t just assume he?ll figure it out by my behavior, body language, and subtle comments. He?s become very good at picking up on those cues most of the time, but I?ve had to become good at recognizing when his needs outweigh my own, and it?s working.

The only thing I am struggling with is his constant need for reassurance. I have read this is common with some aspies, and I believe it is because he hasn?t dated much. At 44, he?s had only two other relationships, and both did not end well. He constantly tells me he can?t understand why I want to be with him, he has very little self esteem, and doesn?t truly believe that I love him. Is there anything I can do to help, other than continuing to constantly reassure him? I tell him every day that I love him, I see value in him, that he?s intelligent, interesting, attractive, and talented (his hyper-focus and interests have combined to make him probably the best guitar player I?ve ever heard, which is what drew me to him to begin with as I?m also a guitar player and extremely interested in music? But if he monologues about the merits of Eddie Van Halen?s technical style for several hours many more times, my head may just explode? We?re working on this though). He often asks me to relate to him, in extended detail, every thought I had about him the first couple of weeks that I knew him and what made me fall in love with him. I don?t mind doing any of this, I don?t even mind listening to him talk about Eddie?s technical merit, but it doesn?t seem to be doing any good. I even wrote a poem for him about the things he always asks about, the first month of our relationship, why I love him, etc. Is there more I can do to reassure him, will it just take time for him to see that I?m sticking around, or does anyone have any other suggestions for me?

Also, just out of curiosity, I'm wondering if it's common for adults with asperger's to jump very quickly into relationships, or if this is just something he does. It's been very refreshing being with him, as I've never dated anyone so completely honest and forthright about what he's thinking and feeling, but sometimes it kind of leaves me taken aback a little. As I started earlier, the first three or four times we had occasion to hang out, I had said little more than hello before he quickly said he had to work in the morning, or some other such thing, and let abruptly. He laughs about it now, but also admits it's because he was indeed interested in me, but didn't know how to talk to me and was afraid he would only "mess up" and scare me away. However, some friends who noticed our mutual attraction intervened and got him talking to me, and we've literally been together since that day. Very quickly (12 days later, as a matter of fact) he told me he was in love with me. I found this kind of preposterous, but at the same time had to admit I had strong feelings for him too. Our relationship has been very accelerated from that first real interaction, and now, several months later, I am living with him. Because of his complete incapability to be dishonest, I truly believe he really does care, but I'm wondering if I should be alarmed at the rate things are going? That's not to say that I'm unhappy, I'm actually as thrilled as can be and really want to put forth the effort to keep this relationship going, hence my ridiculously long post here...

Anyway, I'm just looking for some insight here, either from fellow NT-significant others or from people who have asperger's, because I feel like this is territory in completely unfamiliar with. Thanks in advance for any advice, and sorry for the length of my post!

Jess



kraftiekortie
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06 Aug 2014, 5:18 pm

I'm an undiagnosed person on the Spectrum--and when I'm into somebody, I need constant reassurance.

This is because I have found, in my 53 years of life, that people can change at a moment's notice.

This happened to me a couple of times. A woman falls head-over-heels for me. I fall for her. Her "love" fizzles out after a couple of weeks. Mine lasts years.

I certainly don't want to go through that again!

I really fear the "fickleness" of woman, even though there are fickle men as well. I fear it because of the immediacy of it within my specific context.



Last edited by kraftiekortie on 06 Aug 2014, 5:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The_Face_of_Boo
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06 Aug 2014, 5:22 pm

I see it as it's a normal growing relationship, adapt with needs there, recognizing flaws there..etc.

Don't create issues out of nowhere, please, log out and go on with your life with him. Forget the AS-NT relationship sites, think of him as a normal human with a distinct personality instead.



Acedia
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06 Aug 2014, 5:26 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I see it as it's a normal growing relationship, adapt with needs there, recognizing flaws there..etc.

Don't create issues out of nowhere, please, log out and go on with your life with him. Forget the AS-NT relationship sites, think of him as a normal human with a distinct personality instead.


Second this. Completely agree. We can't predict your bf's personality traits just because he has AS. People with AS aren't more likely to do one thing or the other, because just like everyone else those are individual personality traits/preferences.

---



kraftiekortie
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06 Aug 2014, 5:29 pm

I was attempting to offer insights as to why the guy needs "constant reassurance."

He sounds like an all-right guy. He's able to keep a job. He's able to take care of multiple people financially. You find his honesty refreshing. I hope he isn't a cold fish when it comes to romance, though. I wouldn't want my lady to be a cold fish when it comes to romance.



aspiemike
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06 Aug 2014, 5:38 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I see it as it's a normal growing relationship, adapt with needs there, recognizing flaws there..etc.

Don't create issues out of nowhere, please, log out and go on with your life with him. Forget the AS-NT relationship sites, think of him as a normal human with a distinct personality instead.



My gf seems to be doing the same thing advised of you here. If she came on here looking for answers, she would likely find issues with me based on those answers. A relationship would likely end and I'm convinced many relationships ended because of this website as well.
However, I'm aware that some relationships are also still going strong as well after people have posted here.

I sense nothing is wrong with your partner other than the fact that previous relationships didn't end well for him.


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GWADIS
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06 Aug 2014, 6:08 pm

Acedia wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I see it as it's a normal growing relationship, adapt with needs there, recognizing flaws there..etc.

Don't create issues out of nowhere, please, log out and go on with your life with him. Forget the AS-NT relationship sites, think of him as a normal human with a distinct personality instead.


Second this. Completely agree. We can't predict your bf's personality traits just because he has AS. People with AS aren't more likely to do one thing or the other, because just like everyone else those are individual personality traits/preferences.

---


When I read your story, I didn't pay attention to the fact that your boyfriend was AS, but to how fast you established a relationship with him. What you are experiencing now is the normal stage after the "honeymoon phase", and I think that your man is feeling it and he is afraid of losing you, beause he may be thinking you are going to leave as the other women did. You fell head over heels with him, right? So you were very passionate about him, and infatuated to. Now passion is giving way to reality. True love is under way ... Stick with your man. Keep focusing on the present, breath and enjoy your relationship with its highs and downs.

Being AS or NT doesn't really matter here. You are blessed with a man who wanted to open up to you and reciprocate your love. Welcome this blessing, and everything will be just fine.

I am an NT woman, and I focussed on you instead of your boyfriend because I felt that YOU needed to be reassured.

You are a lucky woman, don't sabbotage your relationship. Good luck! And forget about this website.


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06 Aug 2014, 6:08 pm

Acedia wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I see it as it's a normal growing relationship, adapt with needs there, recognizing flaws there..etc.

Don't create issues out of nowhere, please, log out and go on with your life with him. Forget the AS-NT relationship sites, think of him as a normal human with a distinct personality instead.


Second this. Completely agree. We can't predict your bf's personality traits just because he has AS. People with AS aren't more likely to do one thing or the other, because just like everyone else those are individual personality traits/preferences.

---


When I read your story, I didn't pay attention to the fact that your boyfriend was AS, but to how fast you established a relationship with him. What you are experiencing now is the normal stage after the "honeymoon phase", and I think that your man is feeling it and he is afraid of losing you, beause he may be thinking you are going to leave as the other women did. You fell head over heels with him, right? So you were very passionate about him, and infatuated to. Now passion is giving way to reality. True love is under way ... Stick with your man. Keep focusing on the present, breath and enjoy your relationship with its highs and downs.

Being AS or NT doesn't really matter here. You are blessed with a man who wanted to open up to you and reciprocate your love. Welcome this blessing, and everything will be just fine.

I am an NT woman, and I focussed on you instead of your boyfriend because I felt that YOU needed to be reassured.

You are a lucky woman, don't sabbotage your relationship. Good luck! And forget about this forum.


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06 Aug 2014, 6:08 pm

Acedia wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I see it as it's a normal growing relationship, adapt with needs there, recognizing flaws there..etc.

Don't create issues out of nowhere, please, log out and go on with your life with him. Forget the AS-NT relationship sites, think of him as a normal human with a distinct personality instead.


Second this. Completely agree. We can't predict your bf's personality traits just because he has AS. People with AS aren't more likely to do one thing or the other, because just like everyone else those are individual personality traits/preferences.

---


When I read your story, I didn't pay attention to the fact that your boyfriend was AS, but to how fast you established a relationship with him. What you are experiencing now is the normal stage after the "honeymoon phase", and I think that your man is feeling it and he is afraid of losing you, beause he may be thinking you are going to leave as the other women did. You fell head over heels with him, right? So you were very passionate about him, and infatuated to. Now passion is giving way to reality. True love is under way ... Stick with your man. Keep focusing on the present, breath and enjoy your relationship with its highs and downs.

Being AS or NT doesn't really matter here. You are blessed with a man who wanted to open up to you and reciprocate your love. Welcome this blessing, and everything will be just fine.

I am an NT woman, and I focussed on you instead of your boyfriend because I felt that YOU needed to be reassured.

You are a lucky woman, don't sabbotage your relationship. Good luck! And forget about this forum.


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This deeper form of empathy requires patience and emotional awareness, but it also requires a basic trust in people?s ability to deal with conflict and to listen closely to their own emotions. And this deep form of empathy doesn?t look like niceness, K. M


em_tsuj
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06 Aug 2014, 6:16 pm

Insight: Part of his understanding of himself is that he is terrible at romantic relationships and that a woman will not love him and accept him as he is. A lifetime of experience has deeply ingrained this belief in his head. You are challenging that belief by loving him and accepting him as he is. Your behavior goes against all of his expectations, so it is hard for him to believe. He is waiting for the other shoe to drop because it always has before.

Advice: Keep reassuring him with your actions (not just words). Consistently provide evidence that he can trust you. Remember that his need for reassurance is not about you. It is about his negative self-image. To a certain extent, his low self-esteem is his problem, not yours. It lives inside of him and is based on his experiences with people before he met you. He is the only person who can change his self-image. Nobody else can do it for him.



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06 Aug 2014, 6:56 pm

Whatever you do, don't give up on him. He sounds like a decent guy with some quirks, and if I were mature enough to actually want to be in a relationship, I'd probably be a lot like him.



jesscojess
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06 Aug 2014, 8:13 pm

Thanks so much for all of your replies, they really have helped!

As far as me looking for issues, quite frankly, I'm not. I'm trying to get advice for an issue I already had, and would have had whether I had been to this site or not.

So anyone who has anything to share with me, thank you so much!



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07 Aug 2014, 8:28 am

Sorry for the multiple messages. Does someone know how to delete the posts that are already submitted? I had a problem with my computer. Please PM me so that I can remove the extra ones. Thank you and sorry again.


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09 Aug 2014, 10:11 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
This happened to me a couple of times. A woman falls head-over-heels for me. I fall for her. Her "love" fizzles out after a couple of weeks.


I suspect this happens to a lot of us. A woman is attracted for whatever reason, the first couple of dates go great, then the woman loses interest, when our "aspieness" comes through. But in "my day" there as "no such thing" as Asperger's Syndrome so no clue what was happening.

On the other hand, if it came to the point of having sex, generally the relationship lasted because it seemed (30+ years ago) that women felt an immediate commitment to someone they'd had sex with (even alcohol-induced sex). Which might explain "jumping into a relationship" assuming that is a reference to sex.

But on the gripping hand, I'm not aware of many relationships that didn't begin quite soon after the couple met, so I'm not sure how to interpret the notion of "jumping into a relationship".


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09 Aug 2014, 11:18 am

I dated an aspie that needed constant reassurance although he wasn't as vocal about it. I couldn't handle it anymore and never wanna date a guy like that again