Why women lose the dating game

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FMX
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28 Aug 2014, 1:04 pm

Eureka13 wrote:
Nobody wants to hop on a bus unless they have some idea where it's going.


Well... I can think of one WP member who might! ;)

But jokes aside, yeah, it's a good way to explain it.


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Eureka13
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28 Aug 2014, 1:18 pm

I guess I should edit that to say "no one wants to hop on a bus unless they're pretty sure it's capable of leaving the station." ;)



WantToHaveALife
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28 Aug 2014, 2:16 pm

which women here feel it gets harder for them as they get older? I want to hear their input on this



Eureka13
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28 Aug 2014, 2:46 pm

I didn't find it was harder for me to find decent men in my 30s (or even 40s or 50s). Now that I'm pushing 60, if I ever decide to get back on that horse, I suspect that most of the good ones will be either taken, or deceased.



Eureka13
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28 Aug 2014, 2:53 pm

Heh. I just received this in an email from a girlfriend. Rather timely, I think. :lol:

OlderLadies



sly279
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28 Aug 2014, 3:33 pm

AngelRho wrote:
sly279 wrote:
whats so wrong with a guys plan being to just enjoy life find a job and work. :(

Fundamentally that's a good plan. Nothing wrong with that. The trouble is it's a plan for a single guy. You're not including anyone else there.

A plan that includes relationships is founded on different values than "just enjoy life." I don't value another person's happiness because I know I can't make anyone happy. I do value working alongside others to help them reach THEIR goals, which often will require me to sacrifice things I want. Sure, I want things in life, but if they never happen for me, I'll be ok. The kinds of things I want for ME aren't all THAT important.

I wonder if your desire for a gf is really inline with your own values or if it's a societal pressure you're feeling. I find I'm happier when I learn to just let go of things that really aren't important to me. If I can't reach a goal, whether it's a material goal or a relational one, or whatever, I ask myself how badly I really want it and how important it REALLY is to me in life. I also ask WHY I'm working so hard for something that seems unattainable. If there's no significant reason, if I don't value those things, and I don't want it THAT bad, I cut it loose from my life. And yes, relationships with specific women have been included in that.

What I've found is that working towards things that really are worth working towards often brought with them those things I gave up on as a matter of consequence. I got those things because it just sort of worked out that way and the opportunity arose despite the fact I was working towards some completely different goal at the time. Forget about the whole gf thing and focus building relationships through the job-search and your interests. Track who you spend the most time with and you may eventually reach a point you have a gf by default!


first non of my plans worked out. my plan to join the military nope. no aspies wanted. my plan to be a mechanic, nope not a job for apies.
so here I am after finishing a degree in field I can't do. so no my only plan is to find work and make money. not sure how you plan for a relationship without a girl who going to be part of. relationship plans are made between two people. as what I mean for enjoy life doesn't mean self centered party going. i mean have a gf to love and do stuff with and take life one day at a time. I really dont' need/want much as an individual. how would a plan to find work be plan for a couple. it seems to me that since no woman will date me without a good paying job that a plan to find work is soley for a relationship. i dont get what you saying by that. o.O should i save all my money to buy a house then end up alone no. stuff like saving for houses, family cars, etc are left for when you have a gf to do them with. no one i've ever met spent their lives planing as if they would meet someone and have a family. they worked jobs, bought things they liked, then when they met someone switched to the more family planning.

you can make others happy though. you do nice things they smile bam they happy. funny how that happens daily to millions of people. and whole would be in a relationship unless the other person made them happy. rarely do you hear "she makes me so depressed. boy i love being with her." all you ever hear is about how happy the gf/bf makes the person.

not society. or i'd be waiting til marriage for sex. I want a gf cause I need/want to be held. I want to spend time with her. kiss, hold hands. camp together. I want a companion. i could care less what people think about me for being single. I won't post on fb that I have a gf, I won't show her off to the world. I don't care about that stuff. just the stuff that couples do and only a gf can provide. some people can be fine without companionship. I am not one. I crave it.

I have nothing but time to do both. finding work is a slow process. i just finished a month assestment now I have to wait to hear back from them about an appointment to look for work. I don't see why a guy can look for work and love.
there are no women in my interests. and I won't and can't date women from work.



sly279
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28 Aug 2014, 3:38 pm

Eureka13 wrote:
Nobody wants to hop on a bus unless they have some idea where it's going. It's pretty much that simple.

Once they get on board, they may decide they like the bus, and not care if the destination changes, or if there are some unscheduled side stops.

The bus has to be going somewhere before most people will take a chance and get on. The destination doesn't necessarily matter - just that it has one - it might be a short, leisurely cruise around the city, or even just around the block. But I'm pretty sure no one would board a bus whose schedule announced it would be sitting in the station until further notice.


but they do care. if the bus is heading towards a poor town they pass, but if its going to new york then they consider getting on.

my bus is moving, just not where they want it to.

I've gotten on random busses before and road them around. it can be fun.

my bus is going towards a 10-11 dollar hour job. but its not enough so I am unloveable. even if id managed to work in automotive it only pays 17ish here not 22.



Eureka13
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28 Aug 2014, 4:28 pm

Sly, for some it really is the journey - the destination is irrelevant. However, the more you convince yourself you're going nowhere, the more convinced others will be of the same.

May I recommend that you set small, attainable goals? Instead of looking at your "dream situation" (which might seem unattainable at this point), first get used to setting those small goals and working towards them. It could be something as small as filling out a job application, or finding a nice bench to sit on near where you live, or learning how to do something you don't already know how to do, such as cooking a particular food that you like.

Start with one a day, or one a week, or one a month, but just start somewhere (by doing so, you then HAVE a journey, even if the destination is unknown). If you miss one, don't give up on the whole process, just go to the next one. Once accomplishing small goals becomes a habit, the bigger goals get easier and easier.



sly279
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28 Aug 2014, 4:40 pm

Eureka13 wrote:
Sly, for some it really is the journey - the destination is irrelevant. However, the more you convince yourself you're going nowhere, the more convinced others will be of the same.

May I recommend that you set small, attainable goals? Instead of looking at your "dream situation" (which might seem unattainable at this point), first get used to setting those small goals and working towards them. It could be something as small as filling out a job application, or finding a nice bench to sit on near where you live, or learning how to do something you don't already know how to do, such as cooking a particular food that you like.

Start with one a day, or one a week, or one a month, but just start somewhere (by doing so, you then HAVE a journey, even if the destination is unknown). If you miss one, don't give up on the whole process, just go to the next one. Once accomplishing small goals becomes a habit, the bigger goals get easier and easier.


I actually thought I was going somewhere over a year ago. its the women who rejected me over this last year that have shown to myself that I am worthless. at first I was like no they just wrong. but hear it from hundreds of women then see that thousands of women say the same thing on their proflies and it eats away at you. so it wasn't me convincing myself that I am going no where or worthless. it was women on dating sites. and men who suppor the things women say. including some women and men here.

I honestly thought, I was caring nice, funn to be around. yeah I didn't have have a great job, but I'm a good guy who is worth loving and having friends. but nope. I was just being crazy thinking that. I had been talking to a girl over the net who had built up my confidence. she liked me and enjoyed talking with me so I though others will too. she didn't care that I didn't have a high paying job(or maybe she did but didn't say) but sooner or later one must accept reality and for me that was a slow long depressing year to accept it but it happen and here I am.

if every person you met for years told you you were worthless you'd start to believe them.

that's what i've been doing since graduation and failing out of mechanic jobs. I looked for work for a year with no luck so I finally bit my pride and went to voc rehab. where so far i've gone thru a month assessment i didn't want to do.

I now find it hard to accept any postive comments about me from work. I have no ideal what to talk about with women. and when i get past the proflie of a woman i count the time til she stops talking to me. or till she realizes I'm worthless. perhaps I could lie, but sooner or latter they'll find out what my job is.



marshall
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28 Aug 2014, 6:47 pm

aspiemike wrote:
FMX wrote:
sly279 wrote:
HisMom wrote:
who had a plan for his life and a means to achieve that plan.


Why is this so important to women why???


I'm not a woman, but the answer seems simple to me: it's more predictable and therefore safer. If you're going to be a partner in someone's life, you'd want to know where that life is going, right? Because wherever it's going, you're going with it! There is never any certainty, but someone with a good plan is a safer bet than someone without. (HisMom didn't actually say a "good" plan, but I think we can infer that a guy with a life plan involving robbing banks until he's rich is not what she meant.)


Girlfriend here did mention that she would never stick around a man who showed no plan in their life or any intention to act on his plan. This could indicate a lack of confidence in that man.

Lack of confidence or they find the whole 9-5 career rat-race thing boring and empty and don't have it in them to give a flying monkey turd. You can't plan your future anyways. The economy could crash again at any time and everyone could be completely out of work. The sooner the better, actually.



WantToHaveALife
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29 Aug 2014, 10:26 am

sly279 wrote:
HisMom wrote:
beer1982 wrote:
http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/society-and-culture/why-women-lose-the-dating-game-20120421-1xdn0.html

I would like to hear womans persect on this article. Is there any truth to it?


This article makes a lot of assumptions and some sweeping generalizations !

(1) Not all women want alpha males. Truth be told, alpha males can also be as*holes. Not always but at least some of the time. I, personally, would much rather go with a guy who was a beta male - a sweet, pleasant-natured man who was easy to get along with and easy to love (especially the latter) ! No amount of money or alpha status would make it easy or happy to live with someone with a personality disorder or serious character flaws.

(2) Where a man is when a woman first meets him is where he is always going to be or will always be. In other words, a man's position in the social ladder will never go up or go down, it will always be at that exact same rung where he was when he meets his woman. What BS ! !

I am sure that many people have anecdotal evidences to the contrary - about how their sister's nephew-by-marriage's brother-in-law's cousin's daughter got together with a bum on the street when she was 20, but how now, 15 years later, they are living it up in a high rise in Manhattan. Now this may be a bit extreme, but it illustrates the point that partners can and do motivate each other to either move up the ladder, or to fall into the very same pit that they themselves infest. Such as a drug addict ex-con boyfriend that ends up turning a "good girl" into a fellow druggie, or a woman who nagged her husband into a gambling problem, because he could find no other way to satisfy his wife's constant demand for more and more and more money.

(3) A woman - even a highly educated, well paid professional - needs a man to make her life whole / complete / blah blah blah. Misogynistic, much ?

(4) A woman needs a man to produce a baby and complete her family. More misogyny, again. No, she doesn't. There are several billion Homo sapiens wandering the Planet today. The species is not to going to go extinct because some women chose not to reproduce. On that same note, ever wondered why an "elderly bachelor" is an object of utter respect while an "elderly spinster" is an object of scorn / ridicule ? Why is only the woman assumed to "be on the shelf" only because no one asked to marry her ? Maybe no woman wanted to marry the "bachelor", either ! HYPOCRITES, BAH !

And, even if you assume that some women can and do long for babies to "complete" their families, well, then, isn't that why sperm banks exist ?

In a nutshell -- if it was my daughter, I wouldn't want her to pick a man just because he is a 6'2" handsome Economics professor, making a 6 figure income, an obvious "catch" who gets emails signed off in kisses by desperate single female colleagues. I would want her to pick her best friend who was pleasant, easy going, loved her, who had a plan for his life and a means to achieve that plan. Yeah, sure, it would be great if he was already a handsome, rich professional when they met, but I would not to want her to dismiss anyone who has the potential, who has good, solid character, and a great personality, ESPECIALLY BECAUSE (and I will telling her this repeatedly) where he is *today* may be *very different* from where he may well be 10 years, marriage, and a couple of kids, later.

BTW, I didn't know that academicians, even fully tenured academicians, made 6 figures ! I always thought that professors had an average income so this is quite the revelation for me !


Why is this so important to women why???


the only reason why this is annoying for me in regards to women wanting a man that has ambition and life direction, is because at this point in my life i'm not looking to get married or settle down yet



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30 Aug 2014, 10:09 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:
which women here feel it gets harder for them as they get older? I want to hear their input on this


Oh, it definitely gets harder as we get older. (Unless you've got rich family members who die and leave you a boodle.) Ageism is a very real thing. Aging is also a real thing. If you ask me, life gets more dangerous as you go. But I think things tend to be harder for men than for women, because in general women start out so very insecure and doubting themselves and learn along the way how capable and solid they are, while men tend to have these seriously wack appraisals of their abilities and prospects in youth, and then find that they're not coming anywhere near what they thought they were supposed to do. Women also tend to build better social networks. But for sure, life gets harder.

If you're talking about dating...I was actually surprised, and thought I'd be out of the game at 40. Turned out not to be true. But what I do find is that I have considerably more self-respect than I did as a young woman, and much higher standards in how I expect people to treat me, in part because I've been teaching a child how to conduct herself for the last decade. And in part because being a mother, and a mother under tough circumstances, really taught me that yeah, if you care about people in your life, you will do whatever you have to in order to treat them well and with respect. If it's important to you, you will. So if a man treats me in ways I tell my daughter are disrespectful, or leaves his work for me to do when I won't let her leave her chores for me to do, or won't solve problems in a constructive manner and blameshifts, when I've been teaching her not to do that, or is just flat-out nasty because he's unhappy with himself -- why would I put up with that kind of behavior from a man? And all too often the men I've met really are not willing to be grownups in their own lives and treat their partners respectfully. So -- I'm not interested. It shrinks the dating pool considerably. Which is too bad, but much better than being with someone who won't treat you well.



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30 Aug 2014, 11:10 pm

Eureka13 wrote:
Nobody wants to hop on a bus unless they have some idea where it's going. It's pretty much that simple.

Once they get on board, they may decide they like the bus, and not care if the destination changes, or if there are some unscheduled side stops.

The bus has to be going somewhere before most people will take a chance and get on. The destination doesn't necessarily matter - just that it has one - it might be a short, leisurely cruise around the city, or even just around the block. But I'm pretty sure no one would board a bus whose schedule announced it would be sitting in the station until further notice.

It depends on whether there's good entertainment on board. I might just hang out in the bus at the station if there's a party going on inside!



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30 Aug 2014, 11:29 pm

yellowtamarin wrote:
Eureka13 wrote:
Nobody wants to hop on a bus unless they have some idea where it's going. It's pretty much that simple.

Once they get on board, they may decide they like the bus, and not care if the destination changes, or if there are some unscheduled side stops.

The bus has to be going somewhere before most people will take a chance and get on. The destination doesn't necessarily matter - just that it has one - it might be a short, leisurely cruise around the city, or even just around the block. But I'm pretty sure no one would board a bus whose schedule announced it would be sitting in the station until further notice.

It depends on whether there's good entertainment on board. I might just hang out in the bus at the station if there's a party going on inside!


;) this palls as you get older, I found.



AlexanderDantes
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30 Aug 2014, 11:51 pm

11 homeless people who became Rich.

http://www.businessinsider.com/formerly ... 012-6?op=1

At 30, Sylvester Stallone at $30 dollars on his pocket when he made Rocky. You have to believe in yourself, believe that you can achieve great things despite the odds being against you.



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31 Aug 2014, 12:13 am

Yep. Are you likely to go from homeless to rich? No. Is the mentality necessary to getting securely housed? Yes.

Radical insecurity is a massively damaging thing, not just for you but for whoever is in your life. I recently had a conversation with the ex-bf -- first one in about a month -- that, for me, put a cap on the whole thing. He called me up all excited because he got a "real job". Enormous relief, etc. And I'm glad for him, that's great. What's not great was that he treated me like s**t for a year before he got the real job because he felt so horrible about himself that he couldn't stand to be talking to someone who was actually making things happen. And I make a lot happen -- I'm unusually capable, talented, energetic. I mean he did the whole classic thing -- spiky little nastinesses, morose silence during which he insisted I stay in contact and talk, chronic negging and tearing-down of what I do, explosions about how demanding I was being (by accommodating all his nonsense), fits if I called him on how he was treating me, lying, evasions, all kinds of crap.

I'm not interested in talking to someone who's decent to others only when some stranger's given him a job with a title. Totally not interested in talking to someone who's in a constant state of panic over who's better, whether he measures up. I am not a yardstick. And my friendships do not rely on my friends' bosses' continuing willingness to cut them checks. If the ex-bf comes back wanting to talk again, I will have to tell him these things, and tell him also to please come back when he is secure in himself to the point that his looks, employment status, etc. have nothing to do with how he treats other people, and it's not a constant competition. To where he can just be himself, someone I believe is an interesting and worthwhile person to know. But that until then I'm off the rollercoaster, bye.

You need to know and be confident in who you are, and your self-worth, regardless of what kind of job you currently have, what strangers on the internet think of you, what kind of house your brother has, etc. You need to be willing to look ahead more than a month and think about what you're going to do with that valuable thing, your life. And then get up off your arse and try to make it happen. My guess is that the vast majority of people who don't do this have trouble with the very first part: not knowing who they are.