I'm homeless, I don't know what to do

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So I got into an argument with my grandparents and my grandpa got angry and told me to leave.

We had some family coming over and I was going to have to sleep in another room for this reason. What wasn't clear to me was that I apparently was expected to take everything out of my room (which is a lot) so it wouldn't look so "messy", and it really wasn't that bad to begin with. There were a few clothes on the floor which I was going to pick up, and then my nightstands were cluttered, but that was pretty much it. The other thing that wasn't clear to me is that apparently I had to have this done by tonight. My grandma said "the weekend" is when they were coming, which I've always interpreted as Saturday and Sunday. I never included any part of Friday in "the weekend" because it is a business day, and I didn't realize anyone did consider Friday night as the weekend; for me the beginning of the weekend has always been midnight Saturday morning.

Anyway, my grandma told me to start getting it done, and I was under the impression that nobody would be needing the room until tomorrow so I thought I had a while to get it done, and apparently they were all coming tonight. So when my grandma saw I wasn't done after 30 minutes from the time she told me to do it, she got all annoyed and started moving my stuff to the floor, and she wasn't being very gentle. I told her multiple times I didn't realize I needed it done tonight and that I'd start on it right now, and I didn't need her to help me. But she just kept grabbing my stuff, and some of it is fragile and/or expensive, so I started getting mad and an argument started. I kept getting more angry because she was totally ignoring me, and at some point my grandpa overheard and came down. I was in the process of picking some things up off the floor so I could put them safely in a box and move them out, but I was still pretty mad. And I guess I was raising my voice, which my grandpa takes as a huge sign of disrespect, but he doesn't believe me that I sometimes really don't notice how loudly I am speaking, to me I felt like I was just talking somewhat louder than normal but apparently he heard from upstairs so I guess it must have been loud. He got angry at me for this and, with no warning, grabbed my shoulder/neck area very aggressively, and that's when I got really angry. I can't deal with people getting physically aggressive like that with me, especially when it seems like it's for no reason. I shoved him off and told him not to touch me and he continued to try to grab me even though I was just trying to get him off of me. Then he threatened to give me a bloody nose if I didn't control myself. I don't understand why he would think threatening to hurt me would help me calm down, but it definitely didn't.

Anyway, this started a whole new argument and the whole time when I would try to answer a question he would interrupt telling me, "Lower your voice." And this was making me even more mad because I was just trying to answer his stupid questions and he felt the need to interrupt me over and over. Eventually he came to the conclusion that I was just out of control and that I needed to leave. So I had to pack up all my stuff in my car. He said I could sleep in the car in the driveway but I don't want to be even close to him right now, so I just drove off to a gas station that has WiFi. But I'm not going back there now, unless it's to get anything I forgot. Problem is I don't have another place to go, no other family live nearby that would let me stay. I could drive to my sister's but then I'd have to quit my job (she lives 2000 miles away) and I wouldn't be able to pay my car off and then it would get repossessed. I could just live in my car for another month or two, just until the car is fully paid and then go wherever, but that doesn't sound very appealing. Is there some place I could go for just a couple months, some kind of shelter maybe? My mom is willing to help me out but she isn't in a position to help with these car payments or travel or anything, she just said she would help me with food and things if I lived with my sister. So my only option involves staying here for now and keeping my current job. And I'd rather not live in my car, and I don't think apologizing to my grandpa will change his mind. I am sorry about getting frustrated but I think he was just as much in the wrong, and I'm not going to beg for them to let me stay if they think that they can bully me like that.

*hug*

There should be shelters available. Here, the youth one goes up to age 24. There are also men's shelters run by churches/charities etc and there are many people there that work daily. It's bound to be similar in your neck of the woods.

How's the weather? You could always pitch a tent and camp for a while... not ideal, but cheap/free and possibly more safe & secure than a shelter depending on the shelter.

Another option might be what a guy I met once did.. which was stay in a heated public storage locker with his buddy for a few months up in Alaska after his car broke down. They worked labour ready day labourer jobs, fished/hunted for food, and slept in the storage locker until they saved up enough money for bus tickets back to the lower 48.

A way better option might be to house sit for someone who's away for a couple months = free house to stay in!

Or you could barter with someone for a room or room & board. i.e. trade your labour/knowledge/skills for a place to stay - depends on what you can do vs. what locals might need done around their place.. maybe you'll paint a fence or clean out a garage or tune up a car or build a spreadsheet etc.

You have a job, so maybe you can afford to rent a room from someone looking for a roommate?

There are options.. explore them!

I'm so sorry to hear of this happening -- this is an awful, distressing situation to arise for you. I also think that your grandparents were being unfair -- I realize this is their house and their rules, etc, but I can see the other side of it too, where it sounds to me like they were not keeping in mind that your Asperger's can cause things like speaking too loudly even though you don't even mean to. Also executive functioning and misunderstandings about the definition of a weekend -- they did not communicate clearly enough to you. You were not intentionally being difficult, but they reacted with impatience and anger, unfairly in my opinion. A little understanding might have made all this turn out differently.

Since your grandfather did mention that you can sleep in your car in their driveway, I really think you should do that, as it's the least disruptive to your life right at this moment. It's less disruptive than having to leave completely or go 2,000 miles where you will have no job and lose your car to repossession.

Best right now to stay where you can still have your job, make your car payments, then get out of Dodge later. As long as the offer still holds to sleep in the driveway, try to do that in order to protect what you've got right now, which is your car and work to go to that pays the payments. You must think of your own best interests right now and try to minimize the practical impact of all this. Hang onto that car as it is a huge part of your being able to do anything or go anywhere, including giving you a place to sleep if necessary.

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I'm sorry this happened to you.

The above advice offered is good.

Does your mom live nearby? You said she could help you with food. There might be a reason why you can't stay with your mother--but why can't you stay with your mother?

It's probably better, at this point, not to uproot yourself before you pay off your car. I would, on a temporary basis, stay in your grandpa's driveway.

Or maybe, once the guest leaves, you could come back to the house, maybe offer your grandparents a few bucks, cook them some dinner, and maybe apologize. I understand they were in the wrong, too.

After you paid off your car, the next step is to find a place of your own. This seems like a bad situation for you.

But, temporarily, so you don't become homeless, I'd at least stay in the driveway.

PS: Please don't think we're trying to be "parents." It's advice friends would give friends.

are you the same person as the person who made a thread asking advice on getting an apartment + car?

Yes. I've been thinking more about the situation and I think I will probably be ok, at least for now. I have a car now so I still can just sleep in there. And I guess I didn't make this clear, but when he said I could sleep in the driveway he meant for that night only.

The reason I can't get an apartment right now is because I still have to make payments on the car, and if I get an apartment I won't be able to afford the payments and it will get taken away. I wasn't counting on being out so soon, as I had previously talked to my grandpa and he was going to allow me a bit more time, maybe 2 months, just to pay off the car. If I start having to pay rent I won't be able to make the half-down payment before the end of the month, which will mean I will end up paying probably 2000 dollars interest on the car, which is almost half what the original price was. On top of that the minimum monthly payments will be a lot larger too, which may end up causing me to be unable to pay them.

I think I'll be ok just sleeping in the car, I can sleep near work and just wait until I have enough paychecks saved up to pay for half of the price. My sister said I can come share her apartment, she lives 2000 miles away though so I will have to wait until I've got enough for the trip, after paying the car. Which means I will probably be without a place to stay for a while, at least a month or probably two.

I am just not sure what the best thing is for me to do, nobody at work knows and none of my family (other than those who were there) does either. I didn't want to say anything because I don't know how they will react. And I know of one homeless shelter but I have no idea how those work, and they may be full already. I'll just have to call I guess.

What really bugs me is that this just proves what I thought, that my family doesn't really even want to help me, at least not my grandparents and many of my family on their side. My mom and sister live very far away so there's not much they can do even if they knew. I've been thinking about it and I realized how little my grandparents must think of me, especially my grandpa, if they think it's ok to treat me like that. When he grabbed me I wasn't being agressive or even looking at him, I was on my hands and knees with my head down just picking up my things, so he was in no way justified to grab me like that. And yet they expect ME to be the mature one and put up with things like that, and if I don't then the whole conflict is my fault because I didn't end it, even though they could have stopped what they were doing as well.

When he grabbed me he was squeezing really hard with his hands and trying to hold me down I think, I reacted quickly so I don't know what he was exactly trying to do. But I backed up and stood, while pulling his hands off of me, and then he kept trying to grab me and pushed me against the shelf in the closet. I was yelling over and over for him to get off of me, and I was really about ready to attack him if he didn't listen. Finally he did, and at this point a couple of my uncles were also in the room. Then my grandpa angrily said, "Do you want a bloody nose?" I thought about it for a second and then I just said, "Do you?" I wasn't trying to say I was going to hit him unprovoked, I was trying to say I wasn't going to just sit back and let him injure me. Then he went into this series of questions trying to prove how out of line I was, and I just kept replying that he was just as much out of line as me for getting physically aggressive for no good reason. One of my uncles then interjected and basically said I was being very disrespectful to my grandmother and that I was lucky grandpa was in the way, because "if not I would put you in the hospital." Those types of comments make me so angry because he was basically implying that I needed to be put in my place and that I somehow deserved a beating. I did nothing to deserve physical violence, any sign of agression from me was in self defense and involved me pushing my grandpa away from me, and as soon as he backed off I stopped.

I don't mess around with fights; for me there is no such thing as a "fair fight" and if any of them made a move to hurt me I would have used any means necessary to disable them. Not that I could do much to be honest other than bite and go for sensitive areas, but I don't think that they would ever be justified in hurting me for the purpose of "teaching me a lesson", and I would have fought back with the intent of seriously injuring them, which probably just would have gotten me hurt, so I'm glad it didn't get to that point.

But I still have no intention of even talking to them for a while, because I really think they crossed the line by threatening me like that. Maybe they don't understand how seriously I take it, but regardless, nobody should be justified in doing that to anyone, unless it is out of defense. And if they think that it's ok to bully me like that then I don't ever want to see them again. I realize that I was wrong in getting so frustrated with my grandma, but they took it to a whole different level without any reason or warning. The only person I think I owe an apology to is my grandma, but I think that situation was a two-way conflict as well. She didn't need to get so frustrated right off the bat either, she definitely had no reason to be tossing my things which is why I got mad in the first place.

At least I'm out of there though. I can stay in my car indefinitely or until I find someplace, and then once I have enough money I can make the trip to my sister's. It's not ideal but I definitely prefer it over going back there.

Your grandparents are struggling to cope with having you at their home. I'm guessing they did what they could and then lost their cool and hence you now find yourself stuck in your car in their driveway. The current situation cannot be sustained and I can't see how you can commute to work while returning to your grandparent's place to maintain any semblance of a normal life living in your car. You suggested that you are prepared to apologise to grandma. I would urge you to talk to grandma alone without grandpa being there. Say that you are sorry. Can she offer you any help or advice as to what you should do. I have two suggestions for you. The first is that you return to your room at Grandma's room. You need to reach an understanding with your grandparents that the next time you have a disagreement with them you leave the house before the argument escalates into a full scale shouting match. When you calm down you return to the house. They may agree to this condition to having you back in the house. The second suggestion is that you travel back to your mom's place or sister's place. Unfortunately this means you will have to give up your job and grandma will have to help out with car repayments and travel expenses to get you back home.

your family sounds very strange and very violent. i did not think it was normal for family members to be this violent towards each other. i have only seen large amounts of family violence like this in the godfather
part 1 where sunny beats up the brother in law for beating his sister and they were not related by blood. what type of car is it? it only happened in the godfather because they were in the mafia.
was your grandpa looking for an excuse to kick you out? that is the only logical option i could come up with (and it is not very logical). i can not seen another reason for the pointless escalation he caused
via touching and threatening when you said you were just picking stuff up. they could either be not very smart in terms of not telling you the exact details or even the necessary ones like "they're coming on friday"
(the people staying in your room) in stead of "they're coming on the weekend". it does seem likely that they are attempting to push you out of the house as this does not seem like normal people behaviour.

You have a car and a job, so you're pretty much fine when you think of basic physical survival without relying on others.

he does not have proper shelter / a house, that is one of the requirements of basic physical survival.

I'm sorry that you are going through such a horrible situation. And I'm sorry I cannot give practical advice/help. I don't even live in the US.

I just wanted to make some comments. I think your grandparents and uncles were abusing/bullying you because you had to depend on your grandparents for a place to live in. If they cared about and respected you, they wouldn't do that to you, even if they were doing you a favor by letting you stay in their house. They seem to think that the fact that they were doing you a favor justified whatever they did to you. And if you talked back, you were being "disrespectful" and in the wrong. And they even resorted to/threatened violence. I don't think there is any point in trying to reason with such people. They are bullies. It must be really tough right now but I think the earlier you leave them, the better.

I hope things work out for you and please let us know how you are going.

The above is very good advice. Your granddad came down because he heard you yelling at his wife and the situation escalated from there. If you can get your grandma to talk him down you might be able to recover the relationship. I'm not sure how bad the argument got between you and your grandma, but the fact your uncle and granddad are physically threatening you over it means they think you crossed some line with her and she'll need to be onside for any reconciliation to happen. They would be protective of their wife/mother and seeing her being yelled at by a young man would make them protective and reactive.

I didn't realize they meant the driveway was okay for only one night --- oh dear, that changes things. I'm so sad that you're going through this. And even though I do realize that your grandparents must have been feeling stress, and it is their house, and they were doing you a favor letting your stay.......none the less, MY GOD, you are FAMILY! Unless you were threatening their lives or dealing meth out of their house, family should not kick family out. I can't help but have the opinion that they are being terribly cold to you. And they are also not giving one bit of understanding to your autism. That's NOT an excuse, it's a reason why things may be more difficult for you. It's even a reason why your voice was louder.


They've just kicked out of their house a young man with autism who really was making strides in becoming independent -- you are working for your living and you managed to get yourself a car you are paying off. These are achievements, hell, even to an NT. I think this is so unfair of them.

The best you can do now is what you've pondered -- try to park your car each night in places that will be as safe as possible yet also not that noticeable. I would guess that picking the same spot each night may attract undue attention, so perhaps figure out a rota of locations, just to avoid the attentions of neighbors or police patrols. Get those car payments paid off, and then after that you could just get that gas money as fast as you can and drive to your sisters. Gather extra money too just in case of mechanical issues on the long drive.

The sad part is, all you need is just time. You just needed some extra time to fulfill your payment obligations.

You might try apologizing to your grandmother to see if things can't be patched up, or even ask them for the parking in the driveway privilege for not just that one night but if you could just do that until you get the payments done, then you will be gone completely. They really need to give you more mercy than they are showing. I'm very sad about this.

I was once in a situation where I had to stay with people who knew I was desperate and had no other options, yet the man of the house was a bully and wanted to throw me out because of a completely unfair situation he cooked up as an excuse. When someone truly has nowhere else to go until just some more time for them to get back on their feet, I think that is truly harsh and inhumane.

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Wow I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could help someo how but am barely paying the bills myself

I am not at all disagreeing with the idea that if I apologized they would be willing to let me stay temporarily, but the thing is I don't want to go back. I feel that they crossed a line by getting rough and making threats, and even if they did apologize for that I don't think I can trust them. I will not let them hurt me. I'd really rather be homeless than be with them at this point.

They don't treat me like family or even an adult, they treat me like I'm a delinquent child and I'm sick of it. I don't want to deal with that anymore. It just makes me angry and sad that they would drive me away like this.

But thanks for the suggestions and especially for being understanding. I can't say that most if my family is very understanding so I'm glad I at least have somewhere I can go where people get where I'm coming from. I know that part of the reason they get so frustrated is that they don't have a very good understanding of autism and they don't understand the significance of it. But at the same time, I feel if they really cared they would take the time to learn about it or ask me about it, and they don't. They use my diagnosis as just another reason I should be able to live up to their expectations, because in their mind I should just be able to deal with it now that I know and they haven't changed their view of me at all.

I totally understand your not wanting to go back and be around them. If I were in this situation, really I wouldn't want to either. I'm thinking their driveway was at least the safest place for you in practical terms, but I agree with you it would suck to have to even deal with them anymore. I don't like how they have treated you, and I don't like how they don't even seem willing to learn about autism and how and why it factors into who you are and should alter their approach accordingly -- but it doesn't, in their case.

Try to do the other plan of sleeping in your car in places that are safe to park in overnight. Try to look up shelters and see if they can give you accomodation. Just hang onto that job of yours, keep up your car payments, and hang onto your car so that this family trauma doesn't have to make you lose absolutely everything you had. You can get through this, hang in there.

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