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Joe90
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25 Sep 2014, 12:35 pm

I wouldn't want ANY condition to be passed down to my kids. I once watched a documentary about a couple who both had a condition where their face was deformed (can't remember what it's called), and there's a chance you could pass it on to your children. They had 3 children, and 2 of them inherited the condition, and the parents were very upset. Apparently they don't know the child has this condition until it's about 7 months old, when the face starts to grow into an unnatural deformity. And the parents may love their children whether they have deformed faces or not, but society makes conditions like these unbearable to live with. We could all sit and say ''society should accept us for the way we are'', but it doesn't, and we can't change it. Children who struggle to fit in or look like their peers have a greater chance of being bullied in school, and children with conditions like ASDs are more likely to be lonely at school, which makes being bullied even more unbearable. And no matter how much support I would give my ASD child, when the child gets older he or she might start to want friends and be accepted, and get depressed and unhappy if they can't make friends. I went through the exact same thing when I was a teenager. As a little kid I didn't think about it too much and it seemed easier to fit in, but when I got older I began to realise how lonely I was, and I was so depressed. I just don't want my kid to end up like that.

Bringing up children isn't easy for anyone, and most children are hard work. But I always think that a child with a disability is ''twice the work''.

And I don't hate myself. That's a thing of the past. I just hate Asperger's itself.


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kraftiekortie
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29 Sep 2014, 10:46 am

I honestly don't believe that Asperger's, per se, is a condition. I believe, in many cases, it's merely an alternative way of looking at things.



Halfmadgenius
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29 Sep 2014, 10:13 pm

I'm more afraid my kids will be NT. :tongue: I understand Autism. I could handle an autistic kid. But what would I do with an NT kid who likes weird stuff, like fashion and phone calls?



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06 Oct 2014, 9:14 pm

Joe, the world is changing [because of Autistics standing up to change it] and your kids will not have to go through what we have.



Halfmadgenius
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07 Oct 2014, 12:56 pm

vickygleitz wrote:
Joe, the world is changing [because of Autistics standing up to change it] and your kids will not have to go through what we have.

This is very true.



Joe90
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07 Oct 2014, 1:55 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I honestly don't believe that Asperger's, per se, is a condition. I believe, in many cases, it's merely an alternative way of looking at things.


Sorry, it's just a shorter word to say whilst explaining things, because when I say ''condition'' I mean anything, not just ASDs. I don't like to call it ''disability'' because some people here seem to think that ASDs is not a disability, and I don't like to call it ''disease'' because it is not a disease, so I just say ''condition'' or ''disorder''.

I was thinking of adopting, but then someone said that you can't pick your own name, and I don't want those common names what everybody's calling their kids these days, like Alfie and Bernard and Romeo and all those sorts of names.

If having a child on the spectrum is no different or no harder than an NT child, then how come there are loads of websites and books and stuff about Autistic children and how to bring them up and so on? I'd rather my child to fall into the ''normal'' category and just buy books what the majority of parents buy, like ''how to bring up a child''.

When people talk about their grown-up kids, they don't need much additional information, they're just like ''yeah, my oldest works at a beauty place, my middle one hasn't got a job at the moment but is sharing a flat with some mates and is looking for one, and my youngest has just got promoted in her job and she can now afford to go to Australia with her mates....'' And yes everyone has quirks and everybody's different in their own way and have their own personality traits and some may be more sensitive than others and stuff, but generally if an NT child was brought up in a decent household by decent parents and have no mental or emotional or physical disorders then they generally get on, find jobs, have mates, move out, find a partner, get married, then finally have kids of their own (not saying ALL NTs achieve ALL of those). And I'm not saying NO Aspies achieve NONE of those, but an Aspie is MORE LIKELY to struggle with achieving these, and cause a worry to their parents even when they're way into adulthood. Can somebody else post here who agrees with me so that you can write a better post than me, since I really can't explain myself properly and somebody else might put their feelings about this into better words. Thanks.


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violetpinks
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12 Nov 2014, 7:28 pm

I have to say when I read the OP, I can't help but think of the term "designer babies".... AS is very challenging, but it is not something to label along with Down Syndrome... a disorder that not only carries an extra chromosome, but also has other serious comorbid conditions including congenital heart conditions, respiratory issues, cognitive issues, and so on. In other words, these are potentially life-threatening conditions that cannot be compared to AS. I think it's comparing apples to oranges. I agree that there is a genetic consult that could be helpful for a lot of reasons and I would encourage it to almost any couple who wish to marry and have a family. To think that there could be a definitive test that could reveal whether an unborn child has AS or not is just spine-chilling. Don't get me wrong, I am very experienced in the heartbreak of having the diagnosis given to my son - and I am also very aware of the tough social situations I have experienced myself. I assure you that the heartbreak ebbs and flows like most life experiences in general. I cannot think of my son being any other way now that I have had him in my life for so long. I will tell you that even though I accept him and love him unconditionally (as a parent should), I see him dealing with his father's inability to accept him. It drives my son away from his father and it hurts his well-being to the point that he ruminates on the fact that his father does not treat him well (I'm divorced by the way). I see the damage that he suffers because one parent is conditional with his love. If you are thinking of bringing a child into this world with a conditional love, then I am afraid that I would have to advise you to think about it because the romantic idea of having a NT is not without heartbreak either. I don't think I could handle a NT at this point especially when I hear of how my brother and sister-in-law are dealing with their NT teenagers. Babies grow up and they turn into people with their own feelings and opinions. Having a baby comes with a lot of responsibility and I would love to hear that when you do have your baby, that you will love it with all your heart regardless of diagnosis. I am sure you will make a great parent eventually. I cannot deny that I have had the thoughts of what it would like to have a NT kid at one time or another, but we all seem to want what we are not. NT's have challenges and issues too. I love my son exactly the way he was given to me and I am rewarded more than not for being his mother. Best of luck and please don't view this as a criticizing comment. I think it's best if you consider each and every possibility of the situation. :)



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12 Nov 2014, 10:58 pm

forgot to mention that my son is in mainstream classes, high honors, and wishes to attend engineering school for civil engineering. I know he will do it too. He is very smart and very self sufficient and very lovable as far as his personality. I think I've done something right as a parent. hopefully, you will find the same motivation and inspiration in your child as I do in mine.



Joe90
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13 Nov 2014, 1:29 pm

I think it's how the world takes ''normality'' for granted so much. I hated growing up in a world with people being afraid of someone who's a bit different, and I hated not being socially accepted through school. I don't want my kid to have to go through the same thing.

My boyfriend has 3 NT kids, all teenagers. He is rather shy and not too bright, and his kid's mum isn't the brightest or even nicest of people either (she cheated on him then left him with the kids for a while), but all three of his kids seem to be full of confidence. His oldest has moved out already and is in a job that she loves and is training up to be a manager because she is very socially skilled and is confident about being in a high job. His youngest is still at school but she is rather intelligent and wants to study beauty and fashion, and she has lots of friends and all the boys after her. The middle one may be my boyfriend's main worry, because he has just left school but is not doing anything except hanging around with his friends and asking my boyfriend for money to go out. But he is only 16, and is emotionally a typical teenager (often grumpy to his parents), and although he seems to have no intention of getting into college or getting a job, he's only a child still and will most probably change in a few years. But I know my boyfriend takes for granted that his kids are ''normal''. He's never had to deal with the s**t my mum had to deal with me when I was growing up. I had no friends as a teenager, I was failing all my grades, and I was just unhappy with my life and was lonely and miserable. When I was a younger child my mum and dad had to have several meetings at the school to see what was wrong with me and what help I needed, and it was all a stressful time. My mum's siblings didn't have any of this s**t with their kids - because they were all NTs.

See, when I say ''I don't want a child with emotional/physical/intellectual problems'', I don't mean ''I want an NT child because NT children are perfect and I will be problem-free''. I do not mean that AT ALL. All decent parents worry about their kids, and all kids bring problems. It's all part of being a parent and a family. But I'd still rather a (physically able) kid with normal social skills, can fit in with his or her peers, goes to birthday parties, is socially accepted, all that sort of thing. I wish at least one person here knew how I feel about this.


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violetpinks
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13 Nov 2014, 4:57 pm

Joe99 I think you have some very valid points and I can honestly see your concerns. I see my son struggling social-wise in some situations and it's hard to see him when he realizes he is "different". No mother wants to see their children have those experiences. School can be a painful experience in general.



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15 Nov 2014, 1:10 pm

I am an autistic mother of three children, two of them are autistic and one is not. I am grateful for them all and all of them are pretty happy kids. I don't regret having them one bit.


Everything changes after you have your child, at least for me it did. It gave me a whole new perspective on things.

But with that said have you ever thought of adoption, so many kids and babies need homes and love.


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Zazzy
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19 Nov 2014, 8:34 pm

Hi Joe90,

I think it's great that you are reflecting so much on this question that's arisen for you.

Something that flags up for me, when I read your comments, is that perhaps your concerns are some kind of 'transference' from your own experience as a child/teenager? As in you are repeating your Mother's patterns (or another Role model? (m/f)). It's just a suggestion, but perhaps you're drawing upon learnt beliefs/patterns from your Mother, for example, and her approach to Motherhood/her perception of you. It can be a real challenge to break toxic inherited patterns of behaviour, especially guilt, I can totally relate to that!

You've said you've always felt guilty about the way you behaved with your own Mother when younger, feeling unsupported at School, and you mention some possible challenges your Mother experienced too; ... maybe have a think about what reference do you have to draw upon regarding Parenting/Life choices, now that you are experiencing the desire to become a Mother yourself.

I'd say your confusion around this subject is understandable, it sounds as if you have no one else to turn to, to talk this over with. I feel, to bring a child into this world is SUCH an important decision to be making, ... would you consider having Counselling? Some GP Surgeries can offer this for free, depending on where you live.

I don't know how much involvement you have with the care of your Boyfriend's children/teens, but it sounds as if you have a bit of a 'practice run' there in front of you, or just an opportunity to observe/decide how happy they are day to day.

My own opinion on the subject of abortion/tests to discover if a child will inherit/develop Autism, and on this thread generally, is that there is no way I would consider testing for anything along these lines (just my opinion remember). I actually LOVE all things Autistic, and agree with another poster (correct term??) that Autism is just a different way of experiencing and seeing Life - and who's to say what is 'Normal' anyway?

At the end of the day, you can only do what is right for you - and, you may not feel this to be true - but only you know what is right for you. It is something that requires a lot of consideration, I feel, and perhaps the fact you are here asking these questions may in fact answer many of them.

I personally feel that it sounds as if you're not ready for Motherhood at the moment, (again just my opinion based on what you've written) but I do admire that you really want any potential future child(ren) to be happy in life, and I feel this comes across strongly in your own words.

Zazzy



Joe90
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23 Nov 2014, 5:39 pm

Even though you can have an NT child (a child with no neurological differences or disabilities) with other problems that can cause distress and all of that, there is still something just different about having a child on the spectrum (or with any other neurological differences). My boyfriend has just told me that his youngest now has a date. Yes I know Aspies have dates too and other good things that happen, as I know that because I am in a loving relationship and I'm an Aspie, but it's just that most NT parents with NT children, (including my boyfriend), take for granted that their children are ''normal'' (or NT, for those that find ''normal'' too generalized). and don't have to think about all this ''my child has a disability'' stuff.
That is, until an NT parent's NT child suddenly....becomes non-NT overnight - or so it seems. That is exactly what happened to me anyway. As a baby I developed typically and showed no peculiar signs of an ASD or any other differences. I even socially interacted well with other young children of my age. So of course my parents took it for granted that I was ''normal'', and so obviously put me into mainstream school along with all the other children. Then that was when s**t hit the fan. On my first day of school (when I was 4) I displayed behaviour that was not me, and it caused major concern for teachers right away, and my parents were called and they got accused of child abuse because of my sudden behaviour, which frightened my parents because they did not abuse me in any way. Then after a few years of the stress of getting me through all these assessments and everything, we all discovered that my behaviour was from being frightened of school, apparently. So there you have it.

So supposing one of my boyfriend's children (God forbid), suddenly got something like Bipolar, or got severely injured in a car accident causing brain damage, or anything like that what changed them mentally, I bet that would hit him hard because he's obviously so used to just bringing up NT children with no Autistic-ness or other disabilities/differences, that he's just took it for granted that they are ''normal''. Do you see what I mean?

OK, I hope I don't sound too harsh on my boyfriend, as I love him so much. I just get a bit bitter when people have NT children because I feel sorry for my mum for the stress I caused her what no other parent in our family had to deal with because their kids started school normally without no hassle. But I love my boyfriend and I like his kids whoever they are, so I am not putting anybody down.


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Joe90
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23 Nov 2014, 5:52 pm

Oh, actually, I don't think my boyfriend is 100% ''lucky'' actually. OK he may have 3 confident, good-looking, happy children, he did have a child that died of cot death years and years ago. I bet that was awful for him at the time, and he still feels sad every time he passes the graveyard where she was buried. He might have felt a little bitter of his friends who didn't have to suffer through the heartache of the death of a baby. I know his children are all healthy and all survived well and he loves them like anything, it's still a horrible experience to have your baby die. My mum never lost a child before, even though she suffered the stress of bringing up a problem child.

So every time I feel bitter about having a neurological difference, I just think of other pains people have suffered in their lives, and I feel for them. I feel like I've just found an epiphany actually. Maybe it's from reading all the posts in this thread, that could have inspired me to suddenly think that there are other bad things that happen to other people's children other than having an ASD. Thanks, guys. :)


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27 Dec 2014, 1:23 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
Every child is a gift from God. I feel that it's wrong to abort an unborn baby just because it's not perfect. Everybody deserves a birthday. The aborting of an autistic fetus also devalues the life of autistic people. It's not any more justifying to abort an unborn baby just because it has a disability. When I think about the stuff that Hitler did to people who were not "perfect", I'm beginning to think that we haven't come a long way since those days at all. I apologize if I've offended anyone. I've been asked many times by my peers in elementary school why my parents didn't have an abortion when they were pregnant with me. A few years later when I found out what that word meant, I felt very angry inside.


I also dont think it's ok to abort a baby because the baby has no choice. and I wouldnt be alive either if my mother had chosen to abort me. For someone who's afraid to have an autistic baby, adoption might be an option.


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Joe90
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01 Jan 2015, 2:31 pm

The only thing with adoption is, you can't choose the child's name.


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