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Joe90
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01 Jan 2015, 2:31 pm

The only thing with adoption is, you can't choose the child's name.


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02 Jan 2015, 4:03 am

There are so many unwanted kids in the world and I think it's better if a baby is aborted than abandoned and neglected and growing up to be f****d up or living through hell from abuse because they were never wanted so they were mistreated. I have heard how unwanted kids are handled in foreign countries and they never get adopted and they usually end up in prison as adults or in institutions where they get neglected and mistreated. Why do people even have kids and then abandon them? Most of them don't even get adopted so this is why I believe in abortion. I personally wouldn't let myself get pregnant so I use things like IUD or condoms. I got an IUD so I don't have to worry about any other form of birth control.

Another thing about adoption is you don't know the child's history like if the kid was ever abused or neglected or what the mother did while she was pregnant like if she did drugs. From what I have read about adoption, it seems like the kid always has more issues than other kids who are your own, especially if they are special needs so they are always a Chuckie, a danger to the family and parents fear for their lives and their other kids' but there have been some success stories where a parent would just adopt and the kid turns out fine and has no problems so it can work out. I knew some kids who were adopted and they were all normal. But I still think adoption is risky and you have a higher chance of having a kid with problems than with your own. Also you can change your kid's name because I once met a mother when I was a kid and she flew to China just to pick up her baby she was adopting and she changed his name to Ian from his Chinese name he had. I think everyone should do some research on adoption first and look into it before doing it. I suspect lot of people who adopt from overseas don't know what they are getting into so they end up with a kid with RAD and therapies for them usually make them worse because there is not much support for these children and families get so desperate for their safety they end up abandoning them or sending them back to their home country and some get lucky when they do find someone who knows how to handle RAD and treat it but they have to give up their adoption rights for their child so that kid can live with that person. I remember reading about that one mom who sent her kid back to Russia and they left out lot of facts like he had RAD and he had threatened to burn down the house, the parents spend over $20,000 in therapy trying to help him, they had to lock everything away that can be used as a weapon and the kid has threatened to harm them and there was another story about a Ohio couple getting 6 months in jail and a $1,000 fine for dropping their 9 year old off at social services and they have also tried helping that child too and he was also adopted from a foreign country. Every time I hear about a couple sending their adoptive child back to their home country or giving them to anyone or abandoning them, I always think the kid was violent and the family feared for their safety than assuming they were just lazy people and the kid wasn't perfect and they didn't want to spend any money on any treatment or deal with his problems. I am sure there have been people that gave their kid up for this reason. So before you adopt, look into it first. I decided adoption wouldn't be for me because of this, same as for being a foster parent.


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jennica
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03 Jan 2015, 1:13 pm

You can name an adopted baby, but if you get an older child who already knows their name it isn't advisable to change it.

I don't know what previous posters are talking about, but there are no genetic tests to detect an autistic child in utero. Also, the research is not yet complete enough for anyone to say that autism isn't inherited. The genetics of autism are very complex and scientists don't completely understand it yet. However, it is obvious that particularly Asperger's runs in certain families, and there are studies happening right now that are testing the genetics in these families. And certain forms of autism are not genetic, but just show up randomly in the population - at least that is the current understanding, which is just hitting the tip of the iceberg right now.

My husband and I are both either undiagnosed or borderline Aspies. We have people in our family on both sides with depression, anxiety, OCD, and Aspergers traits. We have three children, and the oldest boy has Aspergers. My middle child, a girl, is extremely social and NT. My baby is too young to know for sure, but so far he seems typical. They all have sensory issues, different types and degrees.

I will tell you that it is a lot easier to have a typical baby and toddler. Having a baby at all is very hard even for an NT person, so for someone on the spectrum it is pretty intense. When you add a baby who has colic, who will not sleep, and who pretty much responds differently to just about everything than every parenting book says they will - it can be very, very hard. It's not bad, it's just hard. Having my NT daughter, and now second son, is easy in comparison (though it's obviously still pretty hard just having a child). When they talk about social development in children with ASD's being impaired, we tend to think of this in terms of socializing with their peers. But really it shows up in the interactions between mother and baby and between father and baby. Infants are very difficult little beings to be responsible for, and they are evolution programs them to endear us to them in order to survive. When baby has eye contact with mom, and responds to her subtle communications, etc. this endears us to baby and we feel loving feelings toward them even when they are being very difficult to love. But when you have an ASD infant, a lot of that will not occur as frequently or at all, and everything that evolution prepared us for to respond and love this infant isn't quite clicking right. It does click, don't get me wrong, but it is hard, hard work. It doesn't come about easily and effortlessly like it does with typical children. When my daughter was an infant I constantly talked about how delightful she was. I just couldn't get over the ease of our interactions together.

However, as my children get older, my NT daughter becomes more bewildering for me and more difficult to relate to or understand. My ASD son responds to everything in the same way that me or his dad do. It's predictable, it makes sense, and I know how to deal with it or what to do to help him. My NT child needs more socialization, and this is draining for me. It's tough setting up playdates and dealing with the other moms. It's tough going out to the store just because she is bored and needs it, but knowing it will wear me out and be a sensory overload.

Both of my older children are very smart (the baby is yet to be seen) but in different ways. My ASD child is pretty brilliant in science, but struggles with many other subjects. He struggles with handwriting, he had a hard time learning to read (though now he is grade levels ahead), and so he is "gifted" but not in the typical way. He doesn't test as "gifted", but luckily his school provides those services for him anyway. My daughter on the other hand is smart across the board, and all subjects seem to come easily to her. She can already draw and write really well at only 4 years old. She isn't "brilliant" in any specific area, but all around pretty smart. So again, the ASD child is more of a challenge to meet his needs, but it isn't bad - it's really exciting to see him so passionate about things. But that doesn't translate to him being smart in a school setting, whereas with my daughter it does.

We haven't had any issues with bullying or not being able to make friends. There are lots of quirky kids out there and unlike when I grew up it is respectable to be a "nerd". My son hangs out with a group of kids that call themselves "the nerds". Also, early intervention works really well for social skills. Social skills need to be taught, and when I was growing up they were not taught to me. I am still impaired in that area, but my son was specifically taught social skills as a preschooler and now in his elementary school by the social worker. Having access to these services is just amazing for these kids. I wish I could live my life over again with access to services that would have helped me in so many ways.

Anyway, the bottom line is that you are right, a child with ASD is a lot more work and a lot harder to raise. You will still love them just as much, and be just as proud of them as they grow, but every step of the way will require active involvement and hard work from you. Though the research is not complete, there is a strong likelihood that some forms of autism are inheritable, so your chances of having an autistic child are likely higher than the general population. However, no one understands how high at this point. If you do not want to raise a child with autism then do not have a child because at this point in time there is no prenatal testing to determine that.

Also, don't let anyone tell you that not wanting to raise a child with ASD has anything to do with how you feel about yourself or them as individuals with autism. You are not making a choice or judgement here about a child that already exists, you are deciding whether you want to have a child at all. And you get to decide that, for any reason whatsoever, that you don't want to sign up for the whole parenting thing. You get to make those choices because this is your life, and this will affect the rest of your life.



Joe90
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04 Jan 2015, 12:02 pm

The reason why I'm convinced that ASDs are genetic is because most parents on the spectrum here seem to have at least 1 child on the spectrum, more so than parents on the spectrum with no children on the spectrum.

I'm glad the poster above this one understands what I mean. Ok NT children have their own unique or awkward ways and could be a handful in their own way, but because most people take for granted that their children will develop socially, physically and intellectually at roughly the average stages, it just makes having a disabled child or ASD child more difficult that what it might really be.


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04 Jan 2015, 12:31 pm

Joe90 wrote:
Then how come so many ASD parents here seem to have at least one child on the spectrum? :?

Also, I am not dissing Autistic people. I just don't want to bring a child with an ASD into this world. If the child has mild Asperger's like me, it might not get the support it needs because it is not ''disabled'' enough, and has more chance of getting bullied through school, which might make it unhappy, and the last thing I want is an unhappy child who hates it's life and asks me every day why it was ever born, which breaks my heart. Yes I know NT children can be bullied but a child on the spectrum has got more chance of being bullied and having no friends through school. If the child is more moderately Autistic, it may or may not be let into a special school depending on which symptoms affect the child the most. But the aggression and outbursts are scary for me, especially with Autistic men. I used to have outbursts which involved shouting, swearing, crying and hitting myself in the head angrily, and it scared my mum. Luckily I've gone on meds and they have stopped my rage outbursts, but meds might not work for everybody.

I've known parents who have their child diagnosed with Autism, and the mum becomes very emotional like it's a bad thing. I don't think it's a bad thing, but Autism seems to affect the whole family for some reason, like it's contagious. A lot of families who I know or have heard of who have an Autistic child, the Autism seems to affect the NT children for some reason, making them into sensitive, prone-to-depression introverts, and makes the parents (especially the mother) more stressed out. My brother is NT but has turned into a very depressed, introverted adult who my mum has ended up worrying more about than me. I often blame myself for other people's emotional problems because I feel like my Asperger's has caused it over the years. And I think I will be living in guilt for the rest of my life for being a problem child through childhood, making my mum stressed and emotional. And when a child is severely Autistic, I feel like nothing's ''normal'', and that you can't enjoy a nice family outing without a chance of some massive meltdown over something even I might not be able to quite know what's going on in his or her mind, and I could still be changing nappies when the child is 10, when all I want my child to be doing is going to school, bringing a little mate home for tea sometimes, going out to play on his or her bike, all that sort of stuff. Some Autistic children are really, really unhappy inside but are unable to express it, and sometimes the parents try to do all they can to make them know they're loved but not all Autistic children like to be cuddled or talked to, etc. It just feels like having an Autistic child is like an ongoing battle, and sometimes it can make you feel so depressed when your child is unhappy and is also hard work for you and your husband when you don't quite know what to do.


But what makes you think having an NT child will prevent all that? NTs throw fits which can be just as dramatic as meltdowns, they can certainly develop mental illnesses like depression and be introverted. Also my siblings are not depressed introverts at all, perhaps you're brother was already more introverted and developed depression for reasons not really related to you. I mean even if you had an NT you might not get all the things you want, at the time intervals you want them to happen...I mean you can't really pick and choose your child unless you go adopt one then you obviously choose the one you want to adopt, and I imagine its best to be prepared for that before having one.


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Joe90
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08 Jan 2015, 11:29 am

Well, OK then, you tell me what the difference is between having NT children and Autistic children (putting other non-NT conditions aside a minute, otherwise we could go on forever), and whatever answer that gets I will use that to explain myself more clearly.


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