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NoDisguise
Butterfly
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20 Sep 2014, 10:23 am

As a middle-aged man who only realised I had Aspergers about 8 years ago, I have learnt a lot about myself from the diagnosis. However I continue to struggle with exactly the same 'women' problems I had as a teenager.

Basically I'm a big hit with women -- in the friend zone. My life has been a long procession of close, platonic, female friends, always with one of two eventual outcomes. Either they meet another man who fulfils their social and physical needs, or I become bored with the friendship and end it myself.

My main problem seems to be that I don't give off 'desireable' vibes. Since I never know when to instigate intimacy, I simply don't make a move and it doesn't happen. I prefer dominant women but these are surprisingly uncommon in my experience. I even tried visiting an escort for tips on how to be more pro-active and inevitably we have become close friends but I'm no nearer to solving my problem.

Does anyone else experience this and if so were you able to do anything to change it?



mrspotatohead
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20 Sep 2014, 10:32 am

I'm a bisexual woman with AS, and I can't even make friends with most women, so I would consider you somewhat lucky in that regard. I have never dated or slept with a woman because I can't read their cues. Men are so easy to interpret in comparison -- they're more accepting of behavioral deviation in women whereas women have very set ideas about what other women should act like. Women also seem somewhat more accommodating toward men than other women, but maybe that's just my perspective.
I had one girl flirting with me recently, and I didn't know what to do. I probably could have at least made out with her, but I did nothing because I didn't want to find out I was interpreting it wrong, even though it seemed so obvious...
Women are frustrating...



mrspotatohead
Deinonychus
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20 Sep 2014, 10:33 am

Anyway, that's why I am married to a man even though I'm most attracted to women rather than men 80% of the time...



NoDisguise
Butterfly
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20 Sep 2014, 11:08 am

mrspotatohead wrote:
I'm a bisexual woman with AS, and I can't even make friends with most women, so I would consider you somewhat lucky in that regard. I have never dated or slept with a woman because I can't read their cues. Men are so easy to interpret in comparison -- they're more accepting of behavioral deviation in women whereas women have very set ideas about what other women should act like. Women also seem somewhat more accommodating toward men than other women, but maybe that's just my perspective.
I had one girl flirting with me recently, and I didn't know what to do. I probably could have at least made out with her, but I did nothing because I didn't want to find out I was interpreting it wrong, even though it seemed so obvious...
Women are frustrating...


I have the opposite problem -- 'normal' men are a complete mystery while I find friendships with women fairly straightforward. For most, having a male friend who listens and cares seems to be something unusual. Most men seem to have an obvious agenda and although my agenda is actually similar, I'm so clueless with reading cues that they assume I just want to be friends. Recurring compliments I recieve include being a gentleman, witty, caring, honest, lovely and good company. All very positive of course, but useless when trying to leave the friend zone for something more.

In your case I could only suggest contacting like-minded women online, as this would get round the need for reading signals and cues. Since you're clearly more attracted to women than men, it seems a shame to have to constantly suppress those feelings.



ProfessorJohn
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20 Sep 2014, 11:49 am

NoDisguise wrote:
As a middle-aged man who only realised I had Aspergers about 8 years ago, I have learnt a lot about myself from the diagnosis. However I continue to struggle with exactly the same 'women' problems I had as a teenager.

Basically I'm a big hit with women -- in the friend zone. My life has been a long procession of close, platonic, female friends, always with one of two eventual outcomes. Either they meet another man who fulfils their social and physical needs, or I become bored with the friendship and end it myself.

My main problem seems to be that I don't give off 'desireable' vibes. Since I never know when to instigate intimacy, I simply don't make a move and it doesn't happen. I prefer dominant women but these are surprisingly uncommon in my experience. I even tried visiting an escort for tips on how to be more pro-active and inevitably we have become close friends but I'm no nearer to solving my problem.


You pretty much described most of my life. I only learned that I have Asperger's about 4 months ago, and it sure does explain much of my past. Once I got to high school and college, I would make women friends, but never knew how to take it past that. The couple of flings that did occur for me was the woman making the first move.

To this day I cannot read non-verbal cues at all, and verbals ones have to be pretty plain for me to figure out as well. Since learning I have Asperger's I have tried to make eye contact with people when I talk to me, but it is really uncomfortable for me to do so. It just seems "too intense", especially when I am talking with a female.

I got really lucky with meeting me wife, but had some help with people more or less setting us up. It probably wouldn't have happened without that help. I did have to make the first move in asking her out, and was shocked that she said yes and that our relationship has worked out for as long as it has. We will celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary on October 9. If something happened to here and I would up single again, I feel I would have a very hard time finding someone to date again, especially since I am now over the hill (47 years old).

There are books out there that help in this area. I read a couple of them. The hard thing is putting into action what they recommend, since I am still very anxious over rejection.



dilanger
Snowy Owl
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20 Sep 2014, 12:04 pm

Social ques, when to step in and when to step back in a conversation or event. This is a very difficult concept for me and in my opinion for every one else.

I am to aggressive or to shy.


You have an advantage over me Nodisguise. You know that you have AS for 8 years. Versus me, one week. You never stop looking and explain to who ever you meet explain to them that being aggressive or being distant is how you are and be calm about it due to the fact you mean no harm.

I wish I knew that I had it before I met my now Ex GF. I understand now why I get over loaded and need time alone to process everything.

Don't give up and let partners know how you work by giving them "Connecting with your Asperger Partner" by Louis Weston. This book will help people understand you.

Now if you get a partner with AS also....it would behoove them to read this book too. Trust me on this.