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Chickenbird
Deinonychus
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21 Sep 2014, 4:23 pm

I'm lonely at the moment, I've just shifted to a new town and my husband has had another borderline episode
so I have no-one to talk to.

I get really messed up about my lack of relationships, but I think the worst part of it is the shame of it being so
apparent, coming out so quickly in ordinary conversation as people chat about their children, grandchildren
and where they've been. I have no-one, and I've been nowhere.

But when I really think about the people I have known in the last 50 years, about what their relationships are really,
really like, I know I'm no worse off than any of them. It just looks that way, and that is what I find so hard
to bear. It's like I'm the only one that "got caught".

I have absolutely no talent for pretence or quickly veering away from the subject. For example this exchange with
someone I met:

Q: "What are you going to do with the rest of the day?" (Sunday)
A: "Nothing".
<Pause>

I've been to university, honest, I just didn't see that one coming :(


_________________
"Aspie: 65/200
NT: 155/200
You are very likely neurotypical"
Changed score with attention to health. Still have AS traits and also some difficulties.


slave
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21 Sep 2014, 7:35 pm

See what coming???

they asked you answered, where is the problem?



Chickenbird
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21 Sep 2014, 7:46 pm

slave wrote:
See what coming???

they asked you answered, where is the problem?


I felt distress and I still do.


_________________
"Aspie: 65/200
NT: 155/200
You are very likely neurotypical"
Changed score with attention to health. Still have AS traits and also some difficulties.


auntblabby
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21 Sep 2014, 11:05 pm

well CB, you are in a good place among people with similar trials. :) my stock response to the fake show of concern evinced when people I don't know who say to me "how's it goin'?" is to say "oh, surviving I guess."
you are smart to have been able to go through university, something I failed at. :oops:



Kiprobalhato
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21 Sep 2014, 11:25 pm

Chickenbird wrote:
I get really messed up about my lack of relationships, but I think the worst part of it is the shame of it being so
apparent, coming out so quickly in ordinary conversation as people chat about their children, grandchildren
and where they've been. I have no-one, and I've been nowhere.:(

i'm "only" 17 yet i really i get what you mean.
i feel like i am stuck permanently as a child because i have not had any of the typical experiences and milestones someone my age has done, and it makes relating to people even harder.

i put "only" in quotes because i already feel tremendous pressure to go out into the dramatized adult world, when i have barely gotten used to life as a teen.

:hmph:

they say university and college is way better than HS but i just don't see it.


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Chickenbird
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21 Sep 2014, 11:47 pm

Kiprobalhato wrote:
Chickenbird wrote:
I get really messed up about my lack of relationships, but I think the worst part of it is the shame of it being so
apparent, coming out so quickly in ordinary conversation as people chat about their children, grandchildren
and where they've been. I have no-one, and I've been nowhere.:(

i'm "only" 17 yet i really i get what you mean.
i feel like i am stuck permanently as a child because i have not had any of the typical experiences and milestones someone my age has done, and it makes relating to people even harder.

i put "only" in quotes because i already feel tremendous pressure to go out into the dramatized adult world, when i have barely gotten used to life as a teen.

:hmph:

they say university and college is way better than HS but i just don't see it.


I did find it much better, so its possible you might too. A lot of academics have aspie tendencies,
its one of the better environments. But yeah, it makes relating to people that much harder.
I feel like we have these neurological differences when young but the effect snowballs from there, until
even if we were magically transformed overnight, there would still be
all these deficits. Would I then get a family? No.

I still feel the same kind of pressure in my 50s - my NT husband wants me to get a job. This really
gets on my mind and unsettles me.


_________________
"Aspie: 65/200
NT: 155/200
You are very likely neurotypical"
Changed score with attention to health. Still have AS traits and also some difficulties.


Chickenbird
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21 Sep 2014, 11:50 pm

auntblabby wrote:
well CB, you are in a good place among people with similar trials. :) my stock response to the fake show of concern evinced when people I don't know who say to me "how's it goin'?" is to say "oh, surviving I guess."
you are smart to have been able to go through university, something I failed at. :oops:


You are always so supportive auntblabby, I am getting to know that about you.

Yes your "surviving I guess" is fine it's just that the question takes so many different forms and
I am never fast enough to adapt my response. My personal belief is that I have everything a
human being needs as far as makeup goes, except I don't function at the standard speed.


_________________
"Aspie: 65/200
NT: 155/200
You are very likely neurotypical"
Changed score with attention to health. Still have AS traits and also some difficulties.


auntblabby
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22 Sep 2014, 12:35 am

Chickenbird wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
well CB, you are in a good place among people with similar trials. :) my stock response to the fake show of concern evinced when people I don't know who say to me "how's it goin'?" is to say "oh, surviving I guess."
you are smart to have been able to go through university, something I failed at. :oops:


You are always so supportive auntblabby, I am getting to know that about you.

Yes your "surviving I guess" is fine it's just that the question takes so many different forms and
I am never fast enough to adapt my response. My personal belief is that I have everything a
human being needs as far as makeup goes, except I don't function at the standard speed.

thank you :) what you can do, is to get a piece of lined/ruled paper, write on the left side of it, all the possible practical permutations of "how's it goin'?" on it [e.g., what are ya doing the rest of the day?" "how goes it?" et al] and on the right side of the paper write down the best answers you can think of. memorize this paper. you will have to respond by rote memory of what you came up with when composing that paper.
for example, to answer your first question, "What are you going to do with the rest of the day?" you could say, "oh, probably I should do lots of things but I don't feel like doin' any of 'em." just a thought.



Chickenbird
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22 Sep 2014, 12:39 am

auntblabby wrote:
Chickenbird wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
well CB, you are in a good place among people with similar trials. :) my stock response to the fake show of concern evinced when people I don't know who say to me "how's it goin'?" is to say "oh, surviving I guess."
you are smart to have been able to go through university, something I failed at. :oops:


You are always so supportive auntblabby, I am getting to know that about you.

Yes your "surviving I guess" is fine it's just that the question takes so many different forms and
I am never fast enough to adapt my response. My personal belief is that I have everything a
human being needs as far as makeup goes, except I don't function at the standard speed.

thank you :) what you can do, is to get a piece of lined/ruled paper, write on the left side of it, all the possible practical permutations of "how's it goin'?" on it [e.g., what are ya doing the rest of the day?" "how goes it?" et al] and on the right side of the paper write down the best answers you can think of. memorize this paper. you will have to respond by rote memory of what you came up with when composing that paper.
for example, to answer your first question, "What are you going to do with the rest of the day?" you could say, "oh, probably I should do lots of things but I don't feel like doin' any of 'em." just a thought.


You are right. I better do that. Thank you :)


_________________
"Aspie: 65/200
NT: 155/200
You are very likely neurotypical"
Changed score with attention to health. Still have AS traits and also some difficulties.


Birdsleep
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22 Sep 2014, 2:57 am

And you wouldn't guess how long it took me to work out that
"how are you?" is not a question.
After a few years in NZ, I finally noticed, that everybody was replying:
"Fine, and how are you?"
I was the only one struggling to honestly answer
that question and I always got those weird looks from people.

But I know what that lonely feeling is, I always used to get it in the company of 'normal' people, or when I was thinking too much about them.
Never when I was all by myself doing my own thing enjoying some peace and quiet.
I think I wouldn't want a family going on my nerves all of the time.
And in time you will find those special friends in your new town who really understand you.
They must be somewhere.



andyfzr
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22 Sep 2014, 3:23 pm

I know where your coming from with the question thing. People seem to ask dumb questions just for the sake of making conversation and I always find it pointless. I especially get annoyed with the how are you today cos I want to say " well bloody awful being as you asked" but I find myself giving the standard " yes fine thanks" just to save a long awkward conversation that I know they probably didn't really want to know. I'm not generally good at small talk at all and find it very pointless. I do try and join in but I find myself getting stuck with awkward silences and not knowing how to keep the chat going, then I feel self conscious that the other person thinks I'm being a bit off with them. I also struggle with letting on to people and knowing when to say hi and not to and can also come across a bit ignorant to people in general. Even after all these years, I still find this sort of social integration really hard especially with people I don't know very well.



Chickenbird
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22 Sep 2014, 3:40 pm

Birdsleep wrote:
And you wouldn't guess how long it took me to work out that
"how are you?" is not a question.
After a few years in NZ, I finally noticed, that everybody was replying:
"Fine, and how are you?"
I was the only one struggling to honestly answer
that question and I always got those weird looks from people.

But I know what that lonely feeling is, I always used to get it in the company of 'normal' people, or when I was thinking too much about them.
Never when I was all by myself doing my own thing enjoying some peace and quiet.
I think I wouldn't want a family going on my nerves all of the time.
And in time you will find those special friends in your new town who really understand you.
They must be somewhere.


Is this special to NZ? Did you know that's where I am Birdsleep? I must have an accent.

Perhaps I will, it's just that, as I see it, I only have "two cents in my social bank account" and I can't spend it going all over town
looking for those special people. So the group I do socialise in seems at the same time too big, and too
small. Too big for comfort, and too small to have anyone (female) like me.

I understand about never feeling lonely when alone, but just lately I have felt that I don't have anyone to report
things to. Say I have a minor success or something, you know? Just trivia.


_________________
"Aspie: 65/200
NT: 155/200
You are very likely neurotypical"
Changed score with attention to health. Still have AS traits and also some difficulties.


Chickenbird
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22 Sep 2014, 3:43 pm

andyfzr wrote:
I know where your coming from with the question thing. People seem to ask dumb questions just for the sake of making conversation and I always find it pointless. I especially get annoyed with the how are you today cos I want to say " well bloody awful being as you asked" but I find myself giving the standard " yes fine thanks" just to save a long awkward conversation that I know they probably didn't really want to know. I'm not generally good at small talk at all and find it very pointless. I do try and join in but I find myself getting stuck with awkward silences and not knowing how to keep the chat going, then I feel self conscious that the other person thinks I'm being a bit off with them. I also struggle with letting on to people and knowing when to say hi and not to and can also come across a bit ignorant to people in general. Even after all these years, I still find this sort of social integration really hard especially with people I don't know very well.


Personally I think it is grief and shame that do this to me. They flood my mind when I could have been thinking of a good response,
and make me slow and dull. I can actually be quite fast if all is going well in my hinterland.


_________________
"Aspie: 65/200
NT: 155/200
You are very likely neurotypical"
Changed score with attention to health. Still have AS traits and also some difficulties.


Chickenbird
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22 Sep 2014, 3:47 pm

Chickenbird wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
Chickenbird wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
well CB, you are in a good place among people with similar trials. :) my stock response to the fake show of concern evinced when people I don't know who say to me "how's it goin'?" is to say "oh, surviving I guess."
you are smart to have been able to go through university, something I failed at. :oops:


You are always so supportive auntblabby, I am getting to know that about you.

Yes your "surviving I guess" is fine it's just that the question takes so many different forms and
I am never fast enough to adapt my response. My personal belief is that I have everything a
human being needs as far as makeup goes, except I don't function at the standard speed.

thank you :) what you can do, is to get a piece of lined/ruled paper, write on the left side of it, all the possible practical permutations of "how's it goin'?" on it [e.g., what are ya doing the rest of the day?" "how goes it?" et al] and on the right side of the paper write down the best answers you can think of. memorize this paper. you will have to respond by rote memory of what you came up with when composing that paper.
for example, to answer your first question, "What are you going to do with the rest of the day?" you could say, "oh, probably I should do lots of things but I don't feel like doin' any of 'em." just a thought.


You are right. I better do that. Thank you :)


Watching "The 40 Year Old Virgin" last night, this line really struck me:

He: "Why did you give me your phone number?"
She: <embarrassed> "....I really don't have a good answer for that one, Andy."


_________________
"Aspie: 65/200
NT: 155/200
You are very likely neurotypical"
Changed score with attention to health. Still have AS traits and also some difficulties.


Deb1970
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22 Sep 2014, 11:35 pm

Chickenbird wrote:
I'm lonely at the moment, I've just shifted to a new town and my husband has had another borderline episode
so I have no-one to talk to.

I get really messed up about my lack of relationships, but I think the worst part of it is the shame of it being so
apparent, coming out so quickly in ordinary conversation as people chat about their children, grandchildren
and where they've been. I have no-one, and I've been nowhere.

But when I really think about the people I have known in the last 50 years, about what their relationships are really,
really like, I know I'm no worse off than any of them. It just looks that way, and that is what I find so hard
to bear. It's like I'm the only one that "got caught".

I have absolutely no talent for pretence or quickly veering away from the subject. For example this exchange with
someone I met:

Q: "What are you going to do with the rest of the day?" (Sunday)
A: "Nothing".
<Pause>

I've been to university, honest, I just didn't see that one coming :(




I use to do this up until last year. When asked "What are you going to do with the rest of the day?" I say not much, "What are you going to do with the rest of the day?" I decided to practice response to everyday questions someone might ask me and then determine how I would respond. Most of the time the person asking really wants to talk about themselves. So! after this all you have to do is listen to them talk. Once you begin to feel over taxed then polite let them know you need to go.


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Chickenbird
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23 Sep 2014, 3:07 pm

Deb1970 wrote:
Chickenbird wrote:
I'm lonely at the moment, I've just shifted to a new town and my husband has had another borderline episode
so I have no-one to talk to.

I get really messed up about my lack of relationships, but I think the worst part of it is the shame of it being so
apparent, coming out so quickly in ordinary conversation as people chat about their children, grandchildren
and where they've been. I have no-one, and I've been nowhere.

But when I really think about the people I have known in the last 50 years, about what their relationships are really,
really like, I know I'm no worse off than any of them. It just looks that way, and that is what I find so hard
to bear. It's like I'm the only one that "got caught".

I have absolutely no talent for pretence or quickly veering away from the subject. For example this exchange with
someone I met:

Q: "What are you going to do with the rest of the day?" (Sunday)
A: "Nothing".
<Pause>

I've been to university, honest, I just didn't see that one coming :(




I use to do this up until last year. When asked "What are you going to do with the rest of the day?" I say not much, "What are you going to do with the rest of the day?" I decided to practice response to everyday questions someone might ask me and then determine how I would respond. Most of the time the person asking really wants to talk about themselves. So! after this all you have to do is listen to them talk. Once you begin to feel over taxed then polite let them know you need to go.


I know, you are right, and I have used this ploy many many times, but this time I just kind of froze up. I am wondering if it was passive aggression on my part, perhaps I just didn't want to hear what she was going to do. Maybe there was a pause because I didn't ask her in turn, and she wasn't expecting *that*.

I'm just trying to work out why I froze I guess. Usually I have a kind of autocue that comes up and tells me what to say, even though it is usually something "stupid", but this time I went blank.


_________________
"Aspie: 65/200
NT: 155/200
You are very likely neurotypical"
Changed score with attention to health. Still have AS traits and also some difficulties.