I think the guy I'm dating has Asperger's

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hangthedj
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28 Sep 2014, 12:21 am

No, this isn't another one of those 'NT woman wants to cure her boyfriend' posts. I was diagnosed with Asperger's at 12 and I suspect the guy I've been going out with for the past 2 months might have it too, which would actually put me at ease with regards to some things.

I'm 22, he's 20, we're both studying computer science, we met at a party in uni 4 months ago and hit it off a while later. Neither of us had ever so much as kissed anybody before we first made out. Things have been going mostly well so far and we 'get' each other probably better than either of us understands anyone else on the planet, but my parents disapprove of certain things he does which they deem selfish or inconsiderate and I think are better explained by 'he just hasn't got the slightest clue people are supposed to do that and frankly neither did I until now'.

Ever since we began dating we've seen each other at least 2 or 3 times a week and chatted for hours on Facebook, but 2 weeks ago he started taking between 12 and 24 hours to answer and one time he hung up on me in the middle of sweet talking. He had 2 exams on the same week so I figured he was just busy and needed to focus on his own stuff, but I still felt really insecure about the whole thing and cried a lot ? mostly because of my self esteem issues and bad experiences with unrequited crushes in the past. When my mother asked me why I was so upset and I explained the situation to her she started saying that he was manipulative and possessive and purposefully ignoring me just to keep me hooked and that nobody should ever do that to their SO no matter how many exams they have but I think she was way too harsh on him (especially considering she hasn't even met him yet); knowing him I'm pretty certain he WAS focused on his studies, had no intention of hurting me and didn't even know that was a social norm (hell, I wasn't sure of it either). This didn't strain our relationship, we saw each other again yesterday and had a great time together but it enrages me that my mum is so critical of him for things she should probably understand better having bloody raised a daughter on the spectrum. My dad also says s**t like 'he's not taking proper care of you because he doesn't walk you home when you take the bus together' and I really wish he'd put aside his absurd expectations of how people should behave and just deal with the differences.

Some things that lead me to believe he has Asperger's or a similar spectrum condition aside from those two details:
·he's mentioned he used to have extremely poor social skills; his childhood actually sounds similar to mine. He's told me that social skills and body language don't come naturally to him and has to consciously copy patterns rather than naturally picking them up
·unusual voice pitch, frequently talks very fast and makes no pauses (especially if it's a subject he's very interested in)
·I wouldn't call his interests limited as they range from film to maths to natural sciences to (obviously) computers but he does know A LOT of details about things he likes and will go on and on about them (so do I for that matter); very encyclopedic knowledge and memory
·physically clumsy; I don't think we've ever had coffee without him spilling at least a bit of it
·frequently makes jokes about the literal meanings of idioms and stuff like that

Does this sound like AS to anyone else or am I just projecting? There's more stuff but it doesn't come to mind right now. Any help/advice is appreciated, particularly with regards to my parents being dickheads.



cathylynn
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28 Sep 2014, 1:54 am

if i were a parent and some guy made my daughter cry, i'd have a hard time liking him. try not to put them in that position often. find someone other than your parents to talk to about your guy when you're upset. you need someone who will look out for you but also understands autism and won't hold awkwardness against him.



Yuzu
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28 Sep 2014, 9:22 am

Not talking about him because her parents might get upset is a bad idea in the long run.
They raised her who has been diagnosed with AS so they should understand it.

I'd suggest talk about him more with them. Make them understand why you think he is a great guy. Tell them that you suspect he has AS also and that's why he behaves in a way that upset you. Ask them for advice how to talk to him about it.



dilanger
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28 Sep 2014, 9:29 am

If you think he does, talk to him about it. Get him tested. ASAP

Why the urgency? I lived with AS and I didn't even know it until a month ago. My AS girl friends doctor pointed it out. The sad part is that I broke up with her due to social over load and anxiety. Very bad reason now that I have had my time away and got the diagnosis.

Right now he is going through emotions he cannot explain like me. It will take years of break ups and bad relationships before he sees the pattern. By that time you will be long gone. A diagnosis will help gain an identity and a foundation of what he wants to work on. I only wish I could have gotten a diagnosis before I met my ex GF. If he does not, a life of suffering awaits him. I know, I suffer now.



FireyInspiration
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28 Sep 2014, 10:57 am

Its very possible he might have AS, but I'm assuming its something you've never talked about. If you mention that you have a diagnosis, that encourage him to overcome the stigma of getting a diagnosis



hangthedj
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29 Sep 2014, 9:43 am

Talking to my friends definitely helped me more than talking to my parents, a few of them have even had similar experiences with their boyfriends and they're all in happy, healthy relationships. I don't know if the guys in question have Asperger's or not but my friends were way more understanding of social awkwardness than my parents; I'm starting to think their overprotectiveness is a bigger problem than my boyfriend's lack of social skills. I'm hoping they will like him better after they warm up to him ? I've told them that he's probably on the spectrum but I don't think they're really gonna trust me until they meet him in person.

I've never brought up the subject of my diagnosis with him but we've briefly mentioned AS in a few conversations and he clearly is aware of its existence and characteristics, so the chances that he hasn't at the very least suspected he might have it are really slim. When I told him my mother was a psychologist he jokingly said 'is she gonna try to figure out what kind of autism I have?' and I don't know if I should interpret that as him actually having a diagnosis but it did strengthen my hypothesis that he does.



I_Heart_Unicorns
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26 Oct 2016, 9:15 am

dilanger wrote:
If you think he does, talk to him about it. Get him tested. ASAP

Why the urgency? I lived with AS and I didn't even know it until a month ago. My AS girl friends doctor pointed it out. The sad part is that I broke up with her due to social over load and anxiety. Very bad reason now that I have had my time away and got the diagnosis.

Right now he is going through emotions he cannot explain like me. It will take years of break ups and bad relationships before he sees the pattern. By that time you will be long gone. A diagnosis will help gain an identity and a foundation of what he wants to work on. I only wish I could have gotten a diagnosis before I met my ex GF. If he does not, a life of suffering awaits him. I know, I suffer now.


Get him tested? He's not a lab rat.


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