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RocketMom
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11 Oct 2014, 9:35 pm

So, my parents are not being super supportive right now. Particularly my dad. Suffice to say my dad and I have had rocky spots in the past before now. He is not NT but refuses to consider it may have been a cause of some of his issues in life. I am not NT either, but I realize if and know where my strengths/weaknesses are.

We are starting the process of diagnosis for my three year old who we have been vexed by for some time. He is an awesome little dude, but we have never felt able to fully connect with him and notice some pretty obvious ASD signs. We feel diagnosis or at least evaluation and services will help in the long run. My parents refused advice to help me as a child and I socially suffered (and still do) in many ways.

Lately, any attempt to talk about my son and his difficulties turns into a parenting conversation. If only I would spank, or rub his face with a cold cloth when he started to tantrum, or enforce time out before he even misbehaves, it would fix everything. The list goes on and on. These are all things they did to me by the way, and I have vivid early memories of it pissing me off and NOT helping. Naturally when I tell him that it doesn't go over well.

I don't really wish to cut them out of this process (truth be told, my mom is the main person I can unload on when stressed due to a deficit of friends). What are the best ways to get family to come around? Someone who is already defensive mind you, and not open to reading on his own. Maybe a letter from his child psychologist or something similar? Would they do that? We have an appointment coming up and I will ask. But surely someone here has been in these uncomfortable shoes...how did you deal with it?



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11 Oct 2014, 10:33 pm

No advice, but I really sympathise. My parents were the same. I got: hit them, dunk their head in a bucket of cold water, tie them to the bed, bang a pot over their head loudly until they decide to respond to their name...
My brother is clearly autistic also, and my father was a police officer when we were kids. He used to tell my brother that the police shoot people who don't make eye contact.
ETA: to clarify, they're not like this anymore because they're dead, not because they became enlightened.


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Last edited by WelcomeToHolland on 11 Oct 2014, 10:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

momsparky
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11 Oct 2014, 10:33 pm

We sent a long letter to all our families, explaining the diagnostic process (which was a long one, for us) and giving them information (I linked Dr. Temple Grandin's TED talk) We also explained that one of DS's needs was not to be overwhelmed, and we asked that nobody step in when we were correcting him, that we would handle it ourselves.

DS was a lot older and by the time we got help it was very clear that something was going on, so in that way it was easier, but one of the ways we got people to butt out was essentially saying "this is what we're going to do based on the advice we've been given from professionals; we are grateful to have a supportive family who understands that we know what's best for our child." Frame it so doing what you want sounds like a compliment, and that will make it easier for them to do it.

The second piece is just repetition: "Thank you, but we are working with a (important-sounding adjective like recommended or skilled) professional. We are finding his advice is helping, so that's why we are handling things X way." rinse, repeat. Just don't open the door for further conversation about it.

You also need to remember that your parents probably wanted to be good parents whether or not they actually were. Anything that implies they weren't good parents is bound to make them defensive.

Any way you can separate yourself that doesn't imply they were bad parents will help improve your relationship with them now - so, talking about how things are different in a way that doesn't implicate them, e.g. the schools are better, professional help is easier to come by, teachers have learned so much about handling kids, wow autism spectrum diagnoses sure have exploded over the last 5 years don't you know, and now there's all kinds of services... Be chirpy and positive and redirect the conversation away from spankings, etc.



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11 Oct 2014, 11:40 pm

My family didn't believe me but they were, at least, respectful about it.

And then they saw my son have a full blown meltdown doing something he enjoys and wanted to do. That was the first part that caught them off guard, that he had been so happy. But, of course, they still thought they could handle it and since we were in public and they couldn't do anything drastic, I decided to let them try. Well, their first efforts made them quickly realize that they were absolutely not going to handle it. So I handled it my way, and it worked. That was a turning point.

I think it helped that my son really is not at all like my sisters and I were. And, maybe, also, that my family is actually pretty decent. Sometimes they just don't understand, but they do care.


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12 Oct 2014, 4:25 am

You probably won't like this advice but here it goes: I would drop it with your dad and just discuss it with your mom, when he isn't there, and only if the experience of unloading is a net positive. If your mom ever gets it, let her deal with your dad, or not. Some people are stubborn and will refuse to except it. Grandpas (or Grandmas) with non-NT rigidities can be some of the worst to accept it b/c they got through childhood (in their probably mal-adaptive way) and your kid ought to, also. They tend to view weaknesses in the family line as a a failure of the law of survival of the fittest and this can be a big problem b/c they can suggest cruel ways of fixing the problem and just generally attempt to undermine confidence.

If your father is not capable of seeing his childhood or your childhood in a more compassionate way, then you don't want to have to fight him at the same time you are trying to figure out everything else and fight your own battles against the currents.

This is probably not a popular way of looking at this b/c most people I think have a compelling urge to have people get it, (or at least a few relatives in real life to get it) empathize with them et al. Sometimes, IMO, people end up hitting your own heads against a rock, searching for that where it cannot be found.



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12 Oct 2014, 8:24 am

"bang a pot over his head?"

I'm sorry, but why haven't charges been filed? My experience has been that as a parent Hands Off is the rule. No Exceptions.

Anyway, regarding our situation my son's diagnosis came so long ago and so many meltdowns have been witnessed that we've all withdrawn into our own little cocoons. Our sons' grandparents are all retired, in their 70s and living their Golden Years in more comfortable climates so even if they wanted to they really couldn't physically do anything except get everyone else upset. They mean well, but they've insulated themselves and their experience with autism is limited to what they hear about on the news. We're even beyond getting those helpful little emails or suggestions about reading books that tout "cures" which is a good thing and "free" advice (which comes with strings.) You know what they say about things that are free though: you get what you pay for.

The only thing I'm worried about now is one of them becoming disabled and needing to come back to reality by moving in with us or a nursing home. I don't think I could be an "Oreo" like that.



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12 Oct 2014, 8:42 am

My mother-in-law is the same way. It's all my fault, and if I would medicate it would all disappear (I'm seriously considering it, but it won't fix everything), and I should spank him more, micromanage his every move, and structure every waking moment of his day. Mom-- WE'VE DONE IT. ALL OF IT. IT MAKES THINGS WORSE. STOP.

I hate saying it, but I'd second that the best thing you can do for yourself and your kid is cut them out. Don't talk about it. It doesn't exist when you are talking to your parents. They're only going to make it worse. Not better.


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12 Oct 2014, 1:45 pm

I don't think this is a problem you can fix.
I think a lot of people have similar experiences with their parents, though, if that makes you feel any better.
My parents always viewed autism as something to be denied, minimized, or hidden. The whole don't-air-your-dirty-laundry mindset.



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12 Oct 2014, 3:21 pm

JustinsDad wrote:
"bang a pot over his head?"

I'm sorry, but why haven't charges been filed? My experience has been that as a parent Hands Off is the rule. No Exceptions.

Over his head as in actually over his head. Not making contact. Purpose was to make him stop "ignoring" her when she called his name by making a lot of noise so he'd take notice, not to injure him physically.


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12 Oct 2014, 4:09 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
And then they saw my son have a full blown meltdown doing something he enjoys and wanted to do. That was the first part that caught them off guard, that he had been so happy. But, of course, they still thought they could handle it and since we were in public and they couldn't do anything drastic, I decided to let them try. Well, their first efforts made them quickly realize that they were absolutely not going to handle it. So I handled it my way, and it worked. That was a turning point.


We had a congruent experience that I think I've written about somewhere - it was actually one of our first successes with a public meltdown. DS's uncle had decided he was going to take all the cousins (stressful right there) to their favorite brand-name store and let them pick out whatever they wanted within a certain price range. After spending a while at the girls' choice of store, we went to the Lego Store. DS immediately began to melt down from the combination of sensory overload and the impossibility of making a choice from such a huge array. Uncle took this to mean that he'd disappointed DS and set the price limit too low, and upped the set price range, and of course adding that variable sent DS into full-blown fury. That in and of itself set some light bulbs off.

Then, we handled it: we took DS out of the store entirely to a quiet corner of the food court, explained to him that he wasn't allowed to go in the store anymore, but he could stand outside and tell us which items we could bring to the doorway for him to look at. We painstakingly helped him make the decision that way - it took well over two hours, and every time he started to lose it, we'd stop and ask him to step away from the store entirely. I don't know how we managed to keep our tempers and be good parents that day, but we mostly did.

Both the meltdown itself and us showing how to diffuse it in a systematic, methodical manner did more for our case than anything else. Sometimes if you are around people enough, it just happens in a way that works.



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12 Oct 2014, 7:57 pm

Just hearing that I'm not alone in this issue makes me feel better! I think for now I will just drop it with my dad and change the subject if he brings it up. My mom can filter what she wants to him, she handles his moods and opinions better than I do, bless her. I think part of it is resentment in me that really wants him to "get it" because I really wish he had listened to professionals who wanted to give me help. He decided instead to hang on my Gifted test results and leave behind all the other things they put in my file. At least I can learn from that and not do that will my brood. Thank you all for the support and advice!



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13 Oct 2014, 11:10 am

My MIL has ASD, and has zippo patience with her ASD grandson. Like NONE.

She shines her love on the two the sibs, who at easy going, quiet, tidy,....

This kid she barely tolerates him. I don't know if his parents notice (sort of dense), but I do.

It's sad and pathetic. When we are all together, I really try to seek my nephew out, and let him be himself, and have a good time on his terms. He's a tween right now.

I'd let it go. For every on family who really gets it, it seems like there are 20 who don't.

(hugs)



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13 Oct 2014, 4:06 pm

This is such a hard position to be in - I also had a lot of trouble convincing my father that there was a problem with our daughter. He tends to be very fact based and so when I could show him the graphed results of some of her testing and explain it to him he finally came around.

However I doubt that is going to work for you. It sounds like Grandpa is in full blown denial. I would just steer clear of discussing it with him for now at least.


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13 Oct 2014, 4:59 pm

Yeah that stuff cracks me up (and not in a good way).

Want to guess who, out of my 4, my ADHD MIL is hardest on?? Yeah-- the ADHD kid. Natch!! !

She should, you know, GET IT, right?? Hell no. Hell no.

I think it has something to do with self-hate. You either like yourself and accept yourself, and so you can accept those traits in your kids/grandkids...

...or you don't, and when it shows up in subsequent editions of the gene pool it's UGLY.


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17 Oct 2014, 3:59 pm

WelcomeToHolland wrote:
JustinsDad wrote:
"bang a pot over his head?"

I'm sorry, but why haven't charges been filed? My experience has been that as a parent Hands Off is the rule. No Exceptions.

Over his head as in actually over his head. Not making contact. Purpose was to make him stop "ignoring" her when she called his name by making a lot of noise so he'd take notice, not to injure him physically.


Can we agree that it's not a nice thing to do and the situation as described makes it sound downright cruel?



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17 Oct 2014, 5:17 pm

JustinsDad wrote:
WelcomeToHolland wrote:
JustinsDad wrote:
"bang a pot over his head?"

I'm sorry, but why haven't charges been filed? My experience has been that as a parent Hands Off is the rule. No Exceptions.

Over his head as in actually over his head. Not making contact. Purpose was to make him stop "ignoring" her when she called his name by making a lot of noise so he'd take notice, not to injure him physically.


Can we agree that it's not a nice thing to do and the situation as described makes it sound downright cruel?


Well yeah... the point of my post was that I do not subscribe to my parents' ideas about how to fix autism, including [the things I listed].


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